What was your day like? I took the two boys to baseball practice with my daughter. That was nice. But what did I get from my wife? A text. Telling me Happy Fathers Day, as an after thought while reminding me to take the kids to school the next day. Thanks sweetie. You know where I’ll be if you need anything tonight. On the couch again. Or is that on the couch still?
Post by northstarmom on Jun 17, 2018 22:58:51 GMT -5
Michael, it's clear that you can't expect anything from your wife for Father's Day. However, it's reasonable to expect that your kids would do something for you even if they are very young. While it's nice that you got to spend time with them, it would also have been appropriate for them to have done something for you: Buy or make a present using their allowance or things around the house; serve you breakfast (even if that means serving it to you on the sofa), making or buying a card for you. Some day they will be grown and gone, and unless you teach them now to do something special for you, you may be spending your senior years alone and forgotten on this special day. It would be great if your wife taught them to celebrate Father's Day with you, but since she is not doing that, you need to suggest some things to them. It is absolutely wonderful that you love and cherish your kids, but love should not be a one-way street. Don't let them fall into the way of treating you that their mom is role modeling.
Well, I thought buying them something to give their mother and grandmother would be an example. I don’t even want ‘things.’ But I didn’t even get supper. I ate a cold grilled cheese sandwich out of the fridge. One leftover that she made for the kids. Fuck my depression is always being set back.
Post by northstarmom on Jun 18, 2018 0:21:13 GMT -5
"Well, I thought buying them something to give their mother and grandmother would be an example. I don’t even want ‘things.’ But I didn’t even get supper. I ate a cold grilled cheese sandwich out of the fridge. One leftover that she made for the kids. Fuck my depression is always being set back."
Your buying them something to give taught them that they don't really have to do anything for their mom and grandmom: That you'll do it. After all, you bought the gifts and allowed them to get the credit. If, for instance, you'd let them earn some money to buy the presents or had used part of their allowance to pay for the present (could have been something from the dollar store), they would have learned what it is to give. One really does get a good feeling from taking real action or making a sacrifice to do something for someone else.
What they learned on Father's Day is that they don't have to do anything for you except allow you to cater to them. Again, I understand that it probably was enjoyable for you to spend time with your kids. Still, part of being a parent isn't just doing for our kids, but also teaching our kids how to do for others, including for us. It's fine to let the kids know what you'd like them to do for Father's Day or Christmas or for your birthday. If your wife won't cooperate, then, for instance, teach them how to make breakfast or dinner for you. I remember that when I was a kid, the pride I took in making dinner for my mom for Mother's Day. I was perhaps 9, and she had to tell me how to cook the food, but I felt so proud to be able to do something to make her happy. And she said that it tasted extra good because I did it.
It really is fine to tell your kids what would make you happy on your special days. It's not being selfish to do this. In fact, it's helping your kids be happier. Here's what research on happiness has found: "What if I told you that one of the keys to our happiness is not to continue improving our own lives: but rather, to make a difference in the lives of others?
This may sound counter intuitive – and that’s ok, because in our culture, it is. As Dan Gilbert, the author of Stumbling On Happiness says:
The only thing I really got was a statement of "happy fathers day" in the morning, but that doesn't really bother me.
Mostly, I did yard work. I don't really love yard work, but the wife feels like I'm doing something useful if I do it. Then I went grocery shopping with the wife before barbecuing dinner. It could have been really nice, but turned out a bit disappointing for various minor reasons (kids were practicing baseball with mom rather than spending time with dad grilling, and I accidentally screwed up the grilling times a bit, leading to many complaints about the food. Still, it wasn't a horrible day)
I guess on the upside, my wife seems to have caught my cold, representing the most intimacy we've had in months. Art some point, maybe we drank from the same cup! ;D
H was on call and got up early to go to the hospital. I had the house cleaned up and presents on the table for him when he got home. The girls had each made him a card. Youngest had used her own money to buy him his favorite chocolate, milk chocolate with hazelnuts. I had picked up a nice beer in a champagne bottle with two special beer glasses, a chocolate in the shape of a trophy that said #1 Dad, and had ordered a special key ring that turns your keys into a pocketknife-like foldable keyring. H said, “maybe it’s a nice idea, but not very well implemented.” I replied, “It got a product of the year award and had rave reviews. I though it seemed like something you would like.” I took the time to insert the keys properly and put it together. He said, “Maybe I have to get used to it.” Later in the day he mentioned that it fit better in his pocket.
So despite my earlier bluff that maybe I’d do as much for Father’s day as he did for Mother’s Day, I did try to make his day special. We did go on a walk together as a family and I climbed trees with the girls. That part was really nice.
I won’t be following up with an announcement that divorce is the only option in therapy tonight like he did the day after Mother’s Day. Though I will be sharing my thoughts on his outburst and throwing things last night. The outburst didn’t bother me all that much. It made me angry, but I didn’t feel shame. I did however feel an impending dread over the coming silent treatment and his pretending I don’t exist. I called him out on his outburst. Told him that it was upsetting to the girls as well as to me. His reply, “you upset me!” “I can see that,” I replied. And what I said was wrong and I’m sorry.” What I didn’t say was, “You were continuing to push a clear boundary that I had stated and I was pushing back.” Maybe that’s a conversation for therapy tonight.
Ive been separated for years and even I texted my ex "happy father's day".
I spent the day with my partner driving up to see his kids. We had lunch together and then I went off to see an art exhibition I'd been wanting to see and let him have time with his kids. I bought the father's day lunch. I didn't give him a card or anything but I told him how much I appreciated his parenting support during the past year.
I didn't encourage my son to say anything to him. Too soon. But I appreciate the stepfather role he has in my son's life. Last night we watched England play its opening match in World Cup. It was fun - well as fun as watching England ever is. :-) (Stressy!!!) This is the kind of thing that wasn't possible when I was still living with my son's father. We didn't have times like that without ex picking a fight or tramping over other people's feelings.
Post by solodriver on Jun 16, 2019 19:34:13 GMT -5
Father's Day for me is not much. My dad passed away 20 years ago. And, as my W reminded me a few years ago, I'm not a father. But my step daughter does remember me and sent me a card and a gift card to Applebee's.
Today my W is gone at work all day. I'm fine with it. She did not get me a gift, a card or wish me a "happy day", "I love you", "thank you" or any affection, hugs or kisses. I know, with clarity, she does not love or appreciate me. But maybe someday, I will be with a woman who routinely shows and expresses her love and appreciation.
My W and I will be having a serious discussion about our relationship going forward as total roommates until the time when I can separate or file for divorce.
Last Edit: Jun 16, 2019 19:35:04 GMT -5 by solodriver
It’s hard to continue to love someone romantically who doesn’t love you back in the way you need to feel like a whole person.
Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers and father figures here. Your impact on young lives is important. As I’ve mentioned before, my h has been a great dad to our son. Even though we are going our separate ways, I took the time today to let him know I valued him as a father. I plan to continue to do that regardless of what our future holds.
Post by ironhamster on Jun 16, 2019 21:18:03 GMT -5
My kids know not to get me anything. I value time together, not gifts. They called and we had a family conference call for an hour and a half. My girlfriend gave me a T-shirt that she happened to come across, more for fun than anything, and it was and is fun. We spent the morning together before the phone call.
I was given an ice tea and a "happy Father's Day in person and on the phone from the other kid that lives far away.
I grilled 2 burgers and later made spaghetti. In the early evening, I went for a bike ride to see a friend but the friend wasn't home so I headed to my ice tea place and had another one.
Life is OK if you make up your mind ahead of time knowing you have to make your own happiness.
On the up side, I got another pair of cloudy, discolored headlight lenses back to 97+% clear, almost as clear as when they were when new. I did another pair of headlights that were almost new and just clear coated them with UV protectant.
Human powered bike rides makes the world seem better. I am no speed demon. I leave that to the experts.
I personally hate Father's Day. I enjoyed going to spend time with my dad, but my W ruined my day from the start (albeit unintentionally). She ended up getting me a gift from our dog. It wasn't even much and I know she meant well, but to me it was a reminder that we don't have children as a direct consequence of our SM. I said thank you because I know in her head, it didn't come from an intent to cause me pain and I didn't feel like starting an argument. I couldn't stop thinking about that all day though.
*2022 update: exactly the same thing happened this year too (and 2020 and 2021).
This the "Shoutbox" -- basically a site-wide, group chat. (It's only visible to members.)
mirrororchid: If something is troubling you and thoughts are keeping the sandman away, venting at 7cups.com may help? If you're just awake inconveniently and want cyber company, chatzy.com may have a group similarly unoccupied.
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njsojourner: My advice to those Suffering: screw it! Literally. Everyone deserves a fulfilling sexual life. Get it however you can. Life is short. I have no illusions —when I get caught my wife will have to decide what’s most important to her. I am not stopping!
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mirrororchid: I mention a few online chat rooms a few posts up, desertfather. Meetup.com provides real live people to chat with. Given your ILIASM situation, a lot of folks locate a therapist. (helpful for touchy subjects you can't go over with friends for over a year.
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