My experience may help, I never outsourced during my 34-year marriage until I started dating while separated during the last year of our marriage. For the last several years of my marriage, I had believed I was entitled to outsource, and even told my refuser h that I did and might do it. However, I never tried to. Perhaps that's because I am the type of person who likes monogamous, committed public relationships . The separation period lasted a year only because I was saving money by staying on my h's insurance until he retired. We both agreed that we could date. Ironically, it ended up he already had been seeing another woman and thought he had fathered her child.
So, since literally until days before I woke up and decided to divorce, I was in my SM for the longterm, it may be helpful for you to know what I had done to rebuild my self esteem.
About 10 years before I divorced, I was seriously depressed both about the SM and about my inability to get a job after I did not get tenure in the university job that I had loved. I was in therapy with a wonderful social worker, but I refused medication because I thought that was a sign of weakness. Then, one day, I went to the hospital thinking I was having a heart attack. It ended up that what I had was major depression. At that point, I decided to take antidepressants, which worked wonderfully for me. I didn't have weight gain, libido problems, orgasm problems or difficulty having a normal range of emotions. Instead, I no longer constantly contemplated suicide.
I also decided that life was short and I would rather go to my grave having tried things I was interested in (even if I made a fool of myself) than die with dreams unattempted.
So, I took up running. I am not at all good at it. In the one 5k I ran, the decorative women running in hoopskirts and a man in a wheelchair beat me. The race organizers literally were picking up the traffic cones as soon as I passed by.
I joined a gym and exercised 2 hours a day, developing the best looking body I've ever had. (Of course, my refuser didn't care, but seeing myself in the mirror gave me a boost). Simultaneously, I joined Weight Watchers and lost 35 pounds, getting down to my best weight, a weight I hadn't been in 15 years.
I took French classes at a local college.
Since I had always admired actors, singers and dancers, even though I didn't think I had any talent in those areas, I took adult classes, private classes and classes at a local college. To my great surprise, I not only made wonderful friends of all ages, but I also ended up getting to dance and sing on stage in community theater and even being in some student films and getting paid for being in commercials!
I took art classes at the local senior center. While I really don't have talent in that area, I developed a better eye for appreciating others' art.
I took photography classes and had some of my work displayed at 2 small local galleries.
I explored various spiritual paths, and ended up becoming Buddhist, including participating in silent retreats of up to 14 days.
I invited all of my local FB friends, "ya'll come" Dutch treat lunches at a local restaurant. Typically, of the 100 or so invited 5-10 would show up, and it was a great way to socialize.
I also celebrated my birthday the way that I wanted. My h and I had the same summer birthday, but he wasn't into throwing birthday parties. He started working abroad over the summer. I started hosting birthday parties for myself: potluck, people could come and bring their kids and friends. Once I hosted a joint birthday party with a friend whose birthday is a day after mine. She was a dance instructor, so part of the party was teaching everyone how to do some fun dances.
I blossomed into the type of person I'd always wanted to be: gregarious, active, attractive, fun, interesting, artsy. I basically lived a very happy, separate life from my h, who lived his own separate life with work and solo long distance biking.
I still missed sex, passion and emotional intimacy with a significant other, but was able to feel confident, worthy and happy without it. I am so glad that I did those things when I could because now, at almost 67, I have knee problems and can no longer do difficult dances or run. I'm still reaping the benefits of the skills and friendships that I developed years ago. In fact, tomorrow, I'll be making money filming a commercial.
So, my advice is have the courage to become the kind of person you've always wanted to be.