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Post by northstarmom on Jun 13, 2018 10:50:39 GMT -5
Several of us have requested that moderators create a section for people who plan to stay in their sexless marriages even if the marriages never become sexually fulfilling. We felt that this would meet the needs of people who may feel that ILIASM is not helpful to them because typically, the advice is to divorce or otherwise leave the relationship. Since the mods have not started such a section, I've created this.
This section is for people who are staying and outsourcing, staying and being celibate or even staying until the kids grow up.
Here you can share tips about how to meet the challenge of staying despite the pain of not being able to have sex with the partner you love.
It is NOT an area for anyone to argue with people who want to stay. There are plenty of examples elsewhere in ILIASM of people who have left or are leaving SMs.
Since I'm among those who left a SM, I'm bowing out now. I hope others who are pessimistic about the outlook for SMs also will refrain from posting here. Thus, this can be a place for others who are so in love, committed to their marriage, religious, concerned about their kids, reluctant to be single, etc. to share information and support each other.
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 13, 2018 11:42:31 GMT -5
Thank you northstarmom for creating the thread this will be helpful and may attract more members.
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Post by workingonit on Jun 13, 2018 17:34:37 GMT -5
Thank you! I hope this is a helpful addition
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Post by flounder on Jun 14, 2018 21:19:17 GMT -5
Great idea.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 14, 2018 21:30:17 GMT -5
*chirp, chirp*
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 15, 2018 1:07:55 GMT -5
What the hell... I’ll jump in.
Sneaking up on 30 years now. “Everything’s great but the sex.” Well, not entirely. The lack of intimacy has a way of choking other areas of a relationship and affecting the whole dynamic.
I stay for many reasons, not the least of which is being too stubborn to quit, which I can sometimes pass off as undying loyalty, honor, commitment, dedication, etc. You see, if you keep dragging it out, then nobody can pass judgement on your failure; it’s still a work in progress.
But there are many other reasons I stay as well. Some honorable, some cringeworthy, I’m sure. In the big picture, it’s not “too bad to stay” - which might seem like a poor threshold, but it aligns with my personal beliefs. There are still a lot of good things between us, despite the issues.
Staying still ain’t easy.
It helped a little to discover a few years ago that it really wasn’t me. That didn’t change the reality, but it’s a small win. The flip side of that coin is knowing that you probably *are* desirable to someone else... and then consciously choosing not to take that path.
Still desiring your spouse when they’re indifferent to you? Yeah, that’s brutal. It’s like having a mad crush on the popular girl at school who doesn’t even know you. Getting shot down repeatedly is crushing; it’s slightly less painful to avoid acting on urges, but that’s not painless itself. It’s like suppressing part of who you are.
Finding another outlet for passion helps a lot as a distraction, but it leads to a lot of solo time.
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Post by saarinista on Jun 15, 2018 2:13:13 GMT -5
I agree, DryCreek . Boy, it's depressing to talk about staying in a sexless marriage, isn't it? Yup. Maybe I'll get around to talking more about mine one of these days. Still dead as a doornail, perhaps even deader, as I now realize I don't want sex with my husband, even though I thought he was the one who didn't want it with me first.
Honestly, it's hard to say who refused whom first. I never refused him, but he stopped asking so I stopped trying to start things and before you know it, 9 years have gone by. Now, I wonder if I'll ever have sex again? Yet he's not a horrible person. It's a hassle to move and split stuff up. Meh. Maybe I'll just soldier on like this. I'm pretty old.....
These are the thoughts that depress the hell out of me. But leaving seems so overwhelming and devoid of any guarantees of a better future. That keeps me stuck.
Yuck!
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Post by workingonit on Jun 15, 2018 5:38:24 GMT -5
Wow, that strikes a cord saarinista . I believe I am staying for the kids but I have lots of the same dark thoughts. Like it is not so bad, we still have good things, there is no guarantee leaving will get me what I want. And I have a sense of divorce as failure which comes from my family not ever having divorce in it. There were some crappy marriages too that people took pride in staying in a nd fighting for. My h recently told me he is still working on his issues so we can have a sex life. But after 9 years of no sex I am not even interested in him anymore. Sigh. Staying can feel so hopeless
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 15, 2018 6:11:42 GMT -5
Acceptance is so powerful. I no longer desire my spouse so we are sexually compatible now. Not wanting him really helps. Outsourcing helped to not want him. I have someone that makes me feel wanted and desired. My spouse never did. He didn't know how to honestly he's not wired for it and he was terrible in bed. The bottom line - I'm not interested in someone that doesn't want and desire me. So we are basically roommates with some affection as we finish raising the kids. My youngest is 11. Fortunately for me and my psyche I divorced him in 2016 so that helps for me to do this. I feel like I've delivered the consequences for his poor choices and behavior. As well I'm not celibate. I don't have sex as often as I'd like but life isn't perfect and everything comes at a price.
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Post by workingonit on Jun 15, 2018 6:13:43 GMT -5
[quote author=" workingonit" Staying can feel so hopeless Interestingly I found it incredibly difficult and much more painful to stay whilst I still tried to keep hope alive. Once i lost hope i found it easier to deal with the actual reality of my situation. Im far from happy but now I'm less angry than I was. I raged against my own sense of loss at the injustice of it all and once I accepted the reality of it I grieved for something that never was.[/quote] I agree with this. I am really not angry anymore. I think I am just going through some sadness at the state of affairs but I agree. I am not angry at my h anymore. In fact, I feel sympathy toward him and caring. I am actually enjoying his company much more now that I am not angry. Still, the aching for what I dont have is sharp and it feels...tragically sad right now.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 15, 2018 6:55:35 GMT -5
Just putting it out there that any “likes” from me (and I assume others?) are purely moral support.
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Post by h on Jun 15, 2018 6:55:39 GMT -5
I'm still currently in the staying camp but it has been much easier to handle recently. I joined here over a year ago and it was the first time I actually accepted the idea that I wasn't the problem. For the immediate future, my financial "staying plan" and "exit plan" coincide so I can effectively move forward and be closer to either goal. That has helped me focus on progress. I guess I'm in "wait and see how things progress" mode. If my exit plan comes together and is realistically viable without any lasting change from W, I'll leave. If W makes improvements then exit won't be necessary but will still be possible as a future option if W reverts to her old patterns.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 15, 2018 8:58:27 GMT -5
This thread is not very long so far. However, it seems to be a common theme that acceptance is a necessary ingredient for those who plan to stay for the long haul.
Acceptance seems to help with the anger and once past the anger it seems easier to stay. Getting past that burning resentment is something I never was able to do, and a tip of my hat to those who can.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Jun 15, 2018 11:57:47 GMT -5
[quote author=" shamwow " Getting past that burning resentment is something I never was able to do, and a tip of my hat to those who can. I think those who have the fortitude to push through the difficulties they face and seek a brighter future beyond here shame any notion of nobility in the marytdom of staying. They're probably better/stronger people than me. Or at least thats how I feel about it. [/quote] I believe this as well ! I have accepted my situation,but there are times that I long for something real. My reasons for staying used to be for my son,but I realize that there's more to it. I believe fear keeps me here also, and until I deal with that I will remain in this twilight zone.
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Post by mescaline on Jun 15, 2018 12:46:17 GMT -5
I'm staying for the kids, not so they get the benefit of me and my wife living together, but purely selfishly as otherwise I would be a none resident parent. I don't know if setting a bad marriage example is better or worse than only seeing them during the day EOW or in evenings, but that is my Hobsons choice.
When we can afford to run two households then will be crunch time. In the meantime I'm working on acceptance. It's difficult and I often catch myself with a degree of hope that things will change. But those moments are decreasing as time goes on. Helped a lot by you lot here.
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