|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 8, 2018 0:09:00 GMT -5
Believe it or not I was young once, but I never stayed out late when I lived with mom and dad. It's 12:40am my 17 yr. old is not home, he left the house around 8;00pm after dinner. I sent him a text reminding him he has no reason to be out past midnight. and to get his butt home!
There's a few "complications" to my situation. I'm a divorced, single parent now, I can't fall back on" let your mom handle it, she never likes the way I do things anyways" I got what I wanted, the control. It's only been a month of the two households, this is the first hint of any trouble.
Each child is different, so across the board boundaries and rules may not work so well in our diverse family.
My young man is the one who was abandoned in a subway in China at age 8. Lived on the streets for a year in a dumpster, running bags (drugs) was beaten and stabbed, then was put in an orphanage for a year before coming to our home in America at age 10.
He talked suicide when he was age 12, we got him the help he needed. He's very independent, intelligent, trustworthy,self motivated , very strong, and fast. He pulls his weight around the house, works at the local restaurant, H.S and college, Varsity Tennis team, and has become so much more than the boy I first held at 10 yrs.old.
With all that said the issue remains, what to do about it, tomorrow when i see him. I'm hoping he's spending the night at a friends house. if that's the answer I get i want to "trust yet verify".
He's almost an adult, but I'm still liable and responsible for him, (he starts his senior year after summer break, all college classes, he bought his own car with his own money, from a job he got himself last year) Curfew in town is 11:00 he's not at work.
I don't get as involved anymore on screening all his friends, you have to start letting go at some point. With my son he was Mr. Adult at 13 yrs old!
Would love to here some other 2018 stories on handling today's issues. He pays for his own phone, car, gas, etc... Mr independent! He has yet to have any steady girlfriends.
If I sound like Mr Mom, well that's what I've had to/chose to be for 20 years, it's my responsibility and I don't take it lightly.
|
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Jun 8, 2018 0:31:03 GMT -5
He's not your oldest, right? What precedent have you set? Yes, midnight is plenty late (it's legal curfew for <18 here).
If you haven't set the ground rules before now, you slipped up. Time to correct that.
If he knew the rules, there need to be consequences or the rules get no respect. Like, lose access to the car for a week; just because he funded it doesn't give him free license. Take the bus, or have a friend pick him up. And home by 9:00 for a couple weeks.
"At a friend's house" and can't be bothered to call and ask permission / notify you? Ignorance doesn't get him out of that one - common sense says you don't just go missing. And telling Mom when you're staying with Dad - also no defense.
Or, you could file a missing persons report, which puts out an APb on his license plate and gets him a conversation with the cops too. Minors don't have to be missing for 24 hours before they can be reported.
I suggest getting a grip on proper behavior now, because once he turns 18 your recourse vaporizes.
And no, he won't be happy with you for enforcing rules. You're his parent first. Friend second.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jun 8, 2018 1:11:33 GMT -5
With my two - both boys - when they started their respective social lives at around 17 I said to them - #1 - there is no curfew time. But, if you say you won't be home until 2 am, you better effin well be home by then, or have rung me to say "it will be 4am" #2 - if you find yourself in the shit, call me, irrespective of where you are or what time it is and I will come, and there will be no recriminations on my part about being dragged out of bed or a fight about whatever idiocy got you into the position. But there WILL be a full review the next day about what happened. I can only remember my oldest not sticking to the agreement once - and as it turned out there was good reason for that. My youngest was far more adventurous ! I remember one call I got "can you come and get me" and next thing I was driving to a provincial city a bit over 150k away at 3am to pick him up !!" How he got there and what went on that night made for a very interesting review the next day. Suffice to say, I got plenty of call outs to pick them up. I'm not stupid enough to think that these boys did not do stupid shit (that I remain blissfully ignorant about to this day) with alcohol and drugs that I never heard about. I do know that my youngest got arrested at least twice for various shenanigans. And one memorable night, my eldest rang me up, so out of it I could hardly understand a word he said, and he had no idea where he was and then his phone died. 8 or 9 anxious hours later he arrived home and went to bed for a couple of days. That made for a pretty short review as he could only remember snippets of what had happened !! Anyway Brother greatcoastal , that was my methodology at the time. A set curfew wouldn't have worked with my kids AND as a chronic worrier, it would not have worked for me either (if it was 11pm I would have started worrying at 11.01pm and driven myself stupid eventually) Suffice to say, I let my kids have plenty of rope - mainly because they would have taken it anyway had I not !!!! It gave me the illusion that I was in some sort of control of the situation Things change tho. With both my kids if they were going out, the night out seemed to BEGIN at about 10.30-11 unlike in my day when proceedings would get underway at about 7pm. Anyway, I am rambling a bit, and I am sure that you (with the volume of kids you have) are doing a good job of it, and have plenty of experience to bring to the situations as your other kids go through this phase. |
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jun 8, 2018 3:14:50 GMT -5
In this day in age there is no reason for a lack of communication.
I believe there should be consequences for him staying out past his curfew and for not contacting you. He's smart, he knows better.
My son has a cell phone and I use a location app to keep track of where he is?, is he where he said he's going? Etc. something to look into for your own peace of mind.
|
|
|
|
Post by workingonit on Jun 8, 2018 4:18:55 GMT -5
I don't know greatcoastal . Parenting teens is damn hard. My inclination is to keep communication wide open, i.e. talk to him before deciding what to do. From your report he is a smart and caring young man. He sounds like he will understand the importance of letting you know where he is. I would think a serious sit down with good listening on your part will net you more than punishment. Now if he was just being an ass, talk to him about consequences. Make it clear to him what they will be if he does not comply. If extreme enough you could do a written contract with your expectations and clear consequences. While your divorce sounds like an overall positive for everyone it is still a change, particularly for a kid who has still spent the majority of his life without stability. He may be reverting to more independent activities as a default mode due to those early years- a knee jerk response to instability as it were. IDK. Just some thoughts. I think you are a pretty awesome dad though 😉 |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 8, 2018 6:43:02 GMT -5
Quick update. I received a reply to my text at 4:56am "I stayed at Trevor's late so I decided to sleep over at moms house".
Trevor is a fine young man, they are a good reliable family, they live around the corner from mom's house. They have been friends for years, my son landed Trevor (and many of his friends) a job at the restaurant, they do lots of sports together etc...
With that said I still want to Verify it. At least with Trevor's parents and get their input on having these 17 yr olds up and out past midnight, even if they are at our houses.
|
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Jun 8, 2018 7:03:04 GMT -5
I'm not a parent. I just know most of my friends are loathing the teen years.
Good luck!
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 8, 2018 7:16:34 GMT -5
I'm not a parent. I just know most of my friends are loathing the teen years. Good luck! Thank you! I knew the day was coming. Last year All 6 of mine where teens at the same time. Now my oldest is 21 and moved out ,that still leaves 5 teens at once. Last year we had 7 cars in the driveway. What has been odd in these present times is how little they actually do, (outside of school, homework, and part time work) their down time isn't going out getting into trouble, it's sitting at home on a computer or their phones. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 8, 2018 8:39:01 GMT -5
He's not your oldest, right? What precedent have you set? Yes, midnight is plenty late (it's legal curfew for <18 here). If you haven't set the ground rules before now, you slipped up. Time to correct that. If he knew the rules, there need to be consequences or the rules get no respect. Like, lose access to the car for a week; just because he funded it doesn't give him free license. Take the bus, or have a friend pick him up. And home by 9:00 for a couple weeks. "At a friend's house" and can't be bothered to call and ask permission / notify you? Ignorance doesn't get him out of that one - common sense says you don't just go missing. And telling Mom when you're staying with Dad - also no defense. Or, you could file a missing persons report, which puts out an APb on his license plate and gets him a conversation with the cops too. Minors don't have to be missing for 24 hours before they can be reported. I suggest getting a grip on proper behavior now, because once he turns 18 your recourse vaporizes. And no, he won't be happy with you for enforcing rules. You're his parent first. Friend second. Since he does need to travel a lot ,this son has helped a lot in buying his own car and being responsible with it,compared to his two older (biological) brothers. His travels include needing a car so he can actually be duel enrolled college/H.S., get to all his tennis practice and meets,and work and back. Those schedules change from season to season, (ALL that scheduling was a BIG factor in me being stay at home dad in the first place with all 6 having different schedules)especially now once I get full time employment. He is not my oldest, he's the youngest of the 4 boys, middle of the 6. This ground rule has been established in the past" no need for being out past midnight for anything. When you want to stay over a friends house ,you need to let me know where you will be. I will say yes 99% of the time." Now, with the divorce comes a new issue, he's pretty much free to stay with whom ever he wants, when he wants. Our exchange with the younger teens happens at 6;00pm my 17 yr old son is at work until 11:00pm he chooses to then spend the night at which ever home he was staying at, pack up his few things and come over the next day. That's been okay. Oh..once before (like a year ago) my same son was not home at 9:00pm like he had told his mother.It was 9:30pm and she was freaking out "where is T? have you seen him? have you heard from him? What are you planning to do about it?" my response? I'm not concerned about it, it's only 9:30, he's 16, you have to let go more, he will be fine. He's not a problem. (thinking to myself, this is a whole lot more about you than him) She went on to threaten to call the police and report him missing. I said "I'm not going to do that it's not necessary". I later was told by our child psychologist that "the police are going to do nothing and won't even consider him missing until it's been over 24 hrs." My son pulled in the driveway minutes later unpacking his books. His mother blasted him. He's the one to get right back in her face and tell her " geeze!! I am a half hour late, I texted dad, i had dinner at Trevor's house and we've been studying, you don't trust me for anything, you over do everything, you make such a big deal out of nothing!" Yes , he had texted me, my phone was turned off and charging, i missed his texts ( i rarely received texts from anyone) She continued to blast him and ignored anything he said. She really couldn't pin anything on him and she certainly doesn't know how to apologize for her actions. I have to consider these things as I deal with him at my house, my way, my rules. I'm afraid the most I can do is nag him a lot, "where are you going? when will you be home? who are you going with?, whose driving? call me by 1100pm. Like you said, in 9 months he will be 18. it seems a bit overdone for 9 more months? I need to think it out some more. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jun 8, 2018 8:53:51 GMT -5
My sons now 30, 34. I am a rare adult who loves teens. It is thrilling to see how they become their own people. Despite the challenges of raising teens, I was sorry when my sons were no longer teens. So, here's my take.
"Quick update. I received a reply to my text at 4:56am "I stayed at Trevor's late so I decided to sleep over at moms house".
Trevor is a fine young man, they are a good reliable family, they live around the corner from mom's house. They have been friends for years, my son landed Trevor (and many of his friends) a job at the restaurant, they do lots of sports together etc.."
What he did was simply not acceptable and there should be consequences for that. His curfew was reasonable and he should be held accountable for missing it. Even if he were 25 and living at your home with no curfew, it would be rude to not let you know that he wasn't coming home. This also is a way to help ensure his own safety. For all you knew, he had been beaten and robbed, in a car accident, etc. At his age, he should have called or texted you before his curfew to get permission to stay elsewhere. And,due to his age and minor status, it would have been appropriate for you to confirm the overnight with his friend's parents. I
n reality, you don't know where he was last night.
The best consequences are ones that logically follow from the infraction. Thus, taking away the car and grounding him for a period of time would be appropriate. In a perfect world, those consequences would also hold for his time at his mother's house. Given your ex's behavior, she may not collaborate but you can at least hold him to these consequences when he is with you. I think that 1 week is too short a time for a consequence for such a major infraction. I suggest 2 weeks of grounding and no car. While it would inconvenience you, it could be worth it for you to drive him around to the places he has to go. The plus of this is that teens often open up when parents seem distracted -- such as when parents are driving.
Don't use your son's trauma history as a get out of jail free card for him. It may be that his acting out now is related to the trauma but letting him off the hook won't heal him. It even could be that he's acting out as an unconscious red flag to you that he needs more therapy support.
In giving the consequence also let him know that you love him and were worried about him.
|
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Jun 8, 2018 9:37:25 GMT -5
greatcoastal, while ground rules and consequences are important, the real goal at this age is responsibility and awareness. As they approach 18, they *should* get more rope paid out, less prying about who/when/where - and also, more accountability. But you already know this road. In this case, I would focus on failure to communicate, which is on him, not your ex. It's probably a good time to point out that important texts require an acknowledgement, and he can't shift blame elsewhere if a text doesn't arrive / isn't seen promptly. Since divorce is new territory, be wary of ploys to take advantage of the fact that Mom and Dad don't talk to each other (like telling each that he's at the other's).
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jun 8, 2018 17:35:05 GMT -5
Well, we sat together and had the talk. It went something like this.
Me- What are your plans for today?
T.- I'm going to work later.
Me- Umm hmm, how late will you be working?
T.- I don't know.
Me. Are you working past eleven?
T.- No probably not.
Me.-Are you coming home or going somewhere else?
T.- I'll probably go somewhere else.
Me. There's no need for you to be out past midnight. You need to be home. I've told you this before. I'm responsible for you after that. It's the law until you are 18. If you want to spend the night at a friends house, just let me know, 99% of the time I am going to say yes. I just need to know where you are. I can't be in a position ,when you are staying with me, that it's 1;00 in the morning and I have no Idea where you are at. Suppose something bad happened to you?
T.- I left Trevor's house at midnight and went to mom's
(I should have told him, don't do that come back home to my house, and drilled him on the "why" when I live two more miles down the road, His text to tell me where he was came at 4:56 am probably when he got home to his mom's from wherever he was. He also showed up at my house at 1:00pm probably because he slept that long from being out so late.but I was distracted)
Me.- Your mom's got a camera set up, she will know what time you came home. Is Trevor out with you this late? What do his parents say about it?
T.-He's 18 he can go where he wants.
Me- I'll talk to his parents about that.
T.-I'm going to be 18 soon.
Me- I know that, you have 9 more months, I'm still accountable for where you are, I know you can take care of yourself. I need to know a location, mostly. You know your friends are welcome over here too.
T.- okay, I will from now on text you at 11;00 and tell you where I am going to be,and where I am at.
Me-lets do that.
Being the "enforcer" is not my strong point after decades of not having much of a voice, and caving to keep the peace, especially in these last few teenage years. New ground for me!
Would I like to know what time he came home at the other house? Yes, I did have a neighbor ,who was coming to see me, drive by there to see if T's car was there. It was. Do I want to communicate and give my ex any ammo that I can't handle my son? Not at all. I have zero trust in her not spinning it against me and doing what's best for our son.
|
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jun 8, 2018 17:55:04 GMT -5
GC.
Only thing I suggest adding is : some kind of consequence for his staying out past midnight; and the information that you love him and get concerned when you don't know where he is. Telling one's whomever one lives with one's whereabouts and expected arrival time is a courtesy and a protection -- for him. This is what adults do, not just something minors are asked to do. That's something it would be good to explain to him. This isn't just about your legal requirements. It's also about your worrying as well as your calling police, launching a search, etc. if he doesn't arrive when he said he would. He could have gotten sick, been in an accident, etc.
Given the lack of clear direction in his previous household, he may not be aware of how even adults normally give housemates some idea of where they are going and when they'll be back.
(BTW this is something I had to relearn after getting involved with post SM partner. By the end of my 34-year marriage, my h and I were living such separate lives that we didn't do anything together. When h wasn't home , I was glad, not concerned. It was a surprise to me when I moved in with post SM lover and he'd express concern if I came home later than normal....)
|
|
|
|
Post by workingonit on Jun 8, 2018 18:31:48 GMT -5
Well, we sat together and had the talk. It went something like this. Me- What are your plans for today? T.- I'm going to work later. Me- Umm hmm, how late will you be working? T.- I don't know. Me. Are you working past eleven? T.- No probably not. Me.-Are you coming home or going somewhere else? T.- I'll probably go somewhere else. Me. There's no need for you to be out past midnight. You need to be home. I've told you this before. I'm responsible for you after that. It's the law until you are 18. If you want to spend the night at a friends house, just let me know, 99% of the time I am going to say yes. I just need to know where you are. I can't be in a position ,when you are staying with me, that it's 1;00 in the morning and I have no Idea where you are at. Suppose something bad happened to you? T.- I left Trevor's house at midnight and went to mom's (I should have told him, don't do that come back home to my house, and drilled him on the "why" when I live two more miles down the road, His text to tell me where he was came at 4:56 am probably when he got home to his mom's from wherever he was. He also showed up at my house at 1:00pm probably because he slept that long from being out so late.but I was distracted) Me.- Your mom's got a camera set up, she will know what time you came home. Is Trevor out with you this late? What do his parents say about it? T.-He's 18 he can go where he wants. Me- I'll talk to his parents about that. T.-I'm going to be 18 soon. Me- I know that, you have 9 more months, I'm still accountable for where you are, I know you can take care of yourself. I need to know a location, mostly. You know your friends are welcome over here too. T.- okay, I will from now on text you at 11;00 and tell you where I am going to be,and where I am at. Me-lets do that. Being the "enforcer" is not my strong point after decades of not having much of a voice, and caving to keep the peace, especially in these last few teenage years. New ground for me! Would I like to know what time he came home at the other house? Yes, I did have a neighbor ,who was coming to see me, drive by there to see if T's car was there. It was. Do I want to communicate and give my ex any ammo that I can't handle my son? Not at all. I have zero trust in her not spinning it against me and doing what's best for our son. Well done, greatcoastal ! I think this looks great. You can think about adding a "consequences" piece with the next discussion if it happens again but I really like that you spoke to him respectfully and asked for his thoughts. Letting them know they are loved and watched after is a great gift we give our teens. |
|
|
|
Post by elkclan2 on Jun 11, 2018 12:37:24 GMT -5
Less than one year until I have a teenager (part time - my partner's son) and less than two when my son is! Not looking forward to it, but I know it will have plenty of upsides, too!
I think I'd be more concerned about the lack of consideration about my worry when he's out and I didn't know where he was. I know it's really hard for kids to understand that parental worry, but dang it, it IS rude not to let you know he was ok and where he was.
Anyway, overall - sounds like he's a good kid despite communication glitches - and you have to take credit for that.
|
|
