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Post by heartbrokengirl on Jul 13, 2018 21:58:02 GMT -5
-But apparently none of those things mean love to her.- You are correct johannesfactotum. She was only using it to create a reason to be mad at you. If she can find reasons to be dissatisfied with your husbandly duties, she doesn't have to feel guilty for not putting out. Because then, in her mind, she's been wronged too. It's a twisted way of thinking. Honestly, I miss my housekeeping service. You've inspired me. I'm calling them tomorrow and I'll be damned if my husband says it isn't necessary when he won't scrub a toilet.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 13, 2018 22:07:52 GMT -5
That's the thing, right? I just can't wrap my head around her way of thinking. It seems like she doesn’t give you credit for the task getting done unless you’re the one doing the labor. That’s a very narrow way of thinking, of course. If you take her to a great meal that she doesn’t have to shop for / prep / cook / cleanup, does she still complain that you never cook? Does she not associate your efforts with the money that magically appears in the bank account? (Been there.)
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Post by therefuser on Jul 17, 2018 5:58:03 GMT -5
I see the Love Languages quiz as a tool; more like a compatibility gut-check, and not a guide to relating. Let’s say I score highly for Touch and Words of Affirmation, but very low for Gifts and Acts of Service - and then, if my partner scores the opposite... The popular interpretation says that she needs to learn to express Touch and I need to learn to express Acts of Service so we each feel loved. I think this approach misses the boat. It asks couples to be something they aren’t - to express themselves in a language they aren’t comfortable / eloquent / sincere in; a mechanical behavior to check the box when they’re actually not compatible. Speaking for myself, knowing W is touching me “because I need it” is a far cry from “because she wants to”; it’s hollow, at best, with little emotional value. And the opposite is also true - if I’m giving in a way that’s not natural for me, it will be forced and easily neglected. Instead, the Love Languages are probably more useful as a filter during dating, to discover whether a couple is compatible enough to naturally express and receive love once the hormones and excitement wear off and they stop over-reaching to please a new partner. I’ve wondered if this alignment isn’t the real secret to amazing marriages... i.e., dumb luck. ;-)
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 24, 2018 10:29:40 GMT -5
This post reminds me of a set of aphorisms I once heard When you are young You have free time and health, but little money When you are middle aged, you have money and health, but little free time When you are old, You have money and free time, but little health My take away is that to live life fully, you have to be present in the moment and use what you have the best you can Ugh that's so stupid. It makes so much sense to outsource stupid tasks you don't want to do and spend your time on things that are more fun or more productive. That's my way of thinking. I'm a surgeon, I have plenty of money. What I don't have, is time. Every moment I have to spend with my children (and formerly my spouse) is precious to me, and I won't waste a second of it on tasks that others can do. If I die in an accident tomorrow, my children won't remember that I left them with college funds and full bank accounts, they'll remember the times I spent reading with them and playing with them. I get up at 4 every morning to exercise and take care of business before my children wake up at 6 so I can spend as much time as I can with them before I go to work. I walk them to their bus stop on school days. I talk with them when I get home from the hospital and I read to them and tuck them into bed. Fuck mowing the lawn or cleaning the gutters or weeding the garden!
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Post by greatcoastal on May 16, 2020 8:23:16 GMT -5
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Post by angeleyes65 on May 17, 2020 13:43:39 GMT -5
Mine are :
Physical touch Quality time Words of affirmation Acts of service Gift s My boyfriend's are in the exact same order
My ex's I believe we're Acts of service Gifts Quality time Physical touch Words of affirmation
I also think they changed after time to this.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 3, 2020 10:20:07 GMT -5
Your Scores 11 Words of Affirmation 10 Physical Touch 5 Acts of Service 4 Quality Time 0 Receiving Gifts So apparently I really like compliments/support and sex. I am definitely not an insecure person (at least I don't see myself as one, present sexless marriage issues excluded), so the first one surprised me until I thought about some of the conversations my wife and I recently had. She basically completely devalued me building a successful business, building her a beautiful house, etc. by indicating that "none of that matters to her". She's the one that wanted to build the new house btw. I was perfectly happy living in the old one. I'm sure some of my feelings over being irked about her comments weighed on my response (i.e. not feeling like I have a supportive spouse right now). I would normally probably rank physical touch as the most important. I was surprised quality time was ranked so low. Maybe if I was having more sex, physical touch would be lower on the list and quality time would be higher? So I just took the test again almost exactly two years later (6/3/20). The test results are in a slightly different format with percentages now, but they have remained relatively constant in terms of results other than Quality time jumping up one spot: 35% Words of affirmation 32% Physical touch 19% Quality time 13% Acts of Service 0% Gifts
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Post by blueguy on Jun 13, 2020 10:20:12 GMT -5
Yeah we tried the whole Love Language thing and it didn't help at all. I'm very much a physical touch and words of affirmation person. Those two are the most lacking in my marriage and my wife knows it and refuses to do anything about it.
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Post by saarinista on Jun 13, 2020 13:45:25 GMT -5
How do you even have a marriage with sex if you're with someone who totally doesn't value physical touch? To me, that's not a "love language" thing-that's just impossible. But hey, if folks want to be somebody's servant, benefactor or de facto therapist and call it a marriage, I guess there's no law against it. Took me a while to realize that was my "marriage!"
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 14, 2020 14:19:58 GMT -5
I don't view "Love Languages" as especially useful for the most part. Why would you need to know your love language? Seems far more simple to know what you like, or what you wouldn't like in a potential partner or mate. And even if you knew their "love languages" it doesn't mean you are compatible with them. A slew of differences in what makes you you and them them could derail a relationship before it ever gets started. Knowing a persons love languages doesn't mean either of you will necessarily be attracted to the other. Knowing them may make getting along with someone else easier but that's about it. You might combine them with sun signs and see if that provides a real insight into what makes them work.
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Post by Handy on Jun 14, 2020 14:58:19 GMT -5
Worksforme2, "Love Languages" are another way to quantify compatibility with someone else.
No, a "Love Language" match doesn't always include what some people call "chemistry" attraction.
With me, getting gifts and cards rank so low, some times they are negative, if it is just more junk I don't want or need. I know people that like gifts and cards, but they mostly dispose of the gifts and cards ASAP or the gift or card just gathers dust.
Me pairing up with a person that treasures gifts would be a mistake, so it helps to know what the other partner values or does not value before there is a LTR.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 14, 2020 16:00:10 GMT -5
Worksforme2, "Love Languages" are another way to quantify compatibility with someone else. No, a "Love Language" match doesn't always include what some people call "chemistry" attraction. I suspect one would gain just as much insight if one was to seek out the services of someone skilled in the pseudoscience of Phrenology. Have them give your heads a good reading. It's one more way to quantify compatibility.
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Post by saarinista on Jun 14, 2020 18:02:12 GMT -5
I'm with you, worksforme2. I think the love languages thing is kind of bogus. Few if any people here married thinking their partner's "love language" would go to flat- out refusal. Thus, who cares? Might be nice to know what the rest of them are, but physical touch is expected, regardless, so leave it off the chart.
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Post by Handy on Jun 14, 2020 18:19:22 GMT -5
There is a website called "Marriage Builders" and they propose there are 10 things that are important to people in relationships. Affection Sexual Fulfillment Intimate Conversation Recreational Companionship Honesty and Openness Physical Attractiveness Financial Support Domestic Support Family Commitment Admiration I see a lot of missing emotional needs or desires listed here on ILIASM, so there must be something to it. Download the PDF and fill out the form to evaluate your relationship. www.marriagebuilders.com/emotional-needs-questionnaire.htm (ENQ) Is the ENQ everything? No but it is a start to learning somethings about why some relationships are not satisfying when the other person's answers differ from yours. Me reading mostly women's dating site conversations with other women, and the woman talk about not feeling any chemistry, that is when I scratch my head. I know about infatuation but the chemistry part is a little more challenging.
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Post by baza on Jun 14, 2020 19:20:49 GMT -5
Then, there's the scenario where the potential life partner swears that they are into "touch / physical contact" .... and it turns out to be complete bullshit once the victim is hooked.
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