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Post by hopingforachange on Jun 14, 2018 15:17:51 GMT -5
Ideally it would be both, but if the physical need isn't satisfied, the emotional bonding doesn't occur. It's difficult for me to focus on the higher levels of the pyramid when the bottom levels aren't met. When it's been weeks since the last time sex happened, biology takes over and emotional needs take a lesser priority. Exactly if you look at Maslow's pyramid, Sex is the only need that is listed twice. At the bottom and the middle
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Post by flyingsolo on Jun 14, 2018 17:10:04 GMT -5
One of the criticism's of Maslow's model is that sex is supposedly not a basic need because you (as an individual) can survive without it (albeit it in a pretty cranky manner). I am sure this is the argument that all refusers would make to downplay the importance of sex. I agree with h that if the physical need isn't satisfied in at least a somewhat regular manner, it makes the emotional bonding very difficult (at least in someone with a high sex drive in my opinion). My wife would (and does) argue the opposite side that an emotional connection is necessary before she can have sex. Thus, we have the chicken and the egg and essentially a sexual stalemate.
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Post by h on Jun 14, 2018 18:15:47 GMT -5
One of the criticism's of Maslow's model is that sex is supposedly not a basic need because you (as an individual) can survive without it (albeit it in a pretty cranky manner). I am sure this is the argument that all refusers would make to downplay the importance of sex. I agree with h that if the physical need isn't satisfied in at least a somewhat regular manner, it makes the emotional bonding very difficult (at least in someone with a high sex drive in my opinion). My wife would (and does) argue the opposite side that an emotional connection is necessary before she can have sex. Thus, we have the chicken and the egg and essentially a sexual stalemate. I agree with you on the first part and I think that it actually proves the point. Yes, it is entirely possible to SURVIVE without sex as evidenced by all of us here. Maslow's Hierarchy isn't about just surviving though. It's about moving beyond basic survival to reach self-actualization. The point is that people won't make it to their full potential as individuals if the basic needs aren't met first. Yes, we survive, but we certainly don't thrive.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 6, 2018 11:12:37 GMT -5
Physical Touch Acts of Service Quality Time Receiving Gifts Words of Affirmation Humm, although, I would feel loved receiving a gift to be used during an acts of service during a quality time while receiving words of affirmation. How is she at talking with her mouth full? 😈😆😆
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Post by JMX on Jul 6, 2018 14:56:11 GMT -5
12 Words of Affirmation 8 Acts of Service 5 Physical Touch 5 Quality Time 0 Gifts While taking this test (thank you for the link h - I only suspected what I would score but never took the test), I was struck by my scrunching up my nose at any mention of more time spent together. Umm... no thank you. I suspect my physical touch score is more a symptom of current situation but I kind of recoiled at the holding hands questions, etc., which was a surprise too. I am pretty affectionate. So - please tell me I am amazing and appreciated, do something nice for me every once in awhile, sex but no hand holding, find your own things to do (mostly) and don’t bother buying me anything. Ha! About sums up current situation.
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Post by time4intimacy on Jul 7, 2018 5:56:59 GMT -5
Just FYI before I give the order for me and my wife. My wife said if she hears one more things about the 5 love languages, she will strangle me.
Mine: (identical to lonleywifey)
Physical Touch Quality Time Words of Affirmation Acts of Service Gift Giving
Hers: Quality Time Acts of Service Words of Affirmation Physical Touch Gift Giving
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Post by time4intimacy on Jul 7, 2018 6:03:18 GMT -5
One of the criticism's of Maslow's model is that sex is supposedly not a basic need because you (as an individual) can survive without it (albeit it in a pretty cranky manner). I am sure this is the argument that all refusers would make to downplay the importance of sex. I agree with h that if the physical need isn't satisfied in at least a somewhat regular manner, it makes the emotional bonding very difficult (at least in someone with a high sex drive in my opinion). My wife would (and does) argue the opposite side that an emotional connection is necessary before she can have sex. Thus, we have the chicken and the egg and essentially a sexual stalemate. I agree with you on the first part and I think that it actually proves the point. Yes, it is entirely possible to SURVIVE without sex as evidenced by all of us here. Maslow's Hierarchy isn't about just surviving though. It's about moving beyond basic survival to reach self-actualization. The point is that people won't make it to their full potential as individuals if the basic needs aren't met first. Yes, we survive, but we certainly don't thrive. x2 Well said h While surviving is important, it is not the only thing we strive to achieve. I love the thought of reaching self-actualization. Thriving is so much better than surviving.
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Post by elynne on Jul 8, 2018 4:11:52 GMT -5
Just an interesting aside, I might enjoy quality time together with a partner that I enjoy spending time with.
More time with my h brings a sinking heavy feeling in my stomach. I bike slower on my way home if I know he’s there. After a short trip away, traveling back home I have fantasies about staying away. My dedication to my girls brings me back home.
But I suspect that quality time would be a positive with someone you enjoy being around. More time together with my h feels like a form of Chinese water torture.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 8, 2018 13:31:46 GMT -5
I asked h to do the Love languages test. He did it grudgingly. I explained that it helped us to communicate in ways that resonate with our loved ones that we care about them. He actually snorted at the questions about gifts. Mentioned that the quiz focused a lot on gifts. Thought it was ridiculous. I pointed out that gifts likely only constituted 1/5 of the quiz but that because it didn’t resonate with him he was more aware of those questions. Results: 10 Quality time 8 Acts of service 5 Physical touch 3 Words of affection 0 gifts I told him that his 3 and 4 were my 1 and 2. Though I doubt he’ll use this information. How, exactly would he use this information? Sounds like you guys are mismatched. At least you know (as if you needed a survey to prove this). Shortly after telling my ex I was divorcing her I recommended that she take the questionnaire. To my knowledge she never did. It might have actually done her good later on if she ever tries to find someone else. Her loss.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 8, 2018 13:35:07 GMT -5
I’ve looked but didn’t find it. I bought the book many years ago and penciled my quiz in it, but now the book seems to be missing too. If I find it, I’ll follow-up. The theory of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs proposes that we move through the hierarchy as basic needs are met. Do we have water, food, shelter? Do you feel safe and secure? If those needs are met we can focus on love and belonging... and on up the pyramid. I suspect that love languages may tap into the same principle. If a need isn’t being met, it becomes more critical. It would make sense that for people in a SM physical touch is a need that is unmet thus it moves up in priority. That has been exactly my experience as I got out and found new love.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 8, 2018 13:36:53 GMT -5
I agree with you on the first part and I think that it actually proves the point. Yes, it is entirely possible to SURVIVE without sex as evidenced by all of us here. Maslow's Hierarchy isn't about just surviving though. It's about moving beyond basic survival to reach self-actualization. The point is that people won't make it to their full potential as individuals if the basic needs aren't met first. Yes, we survive, but we certainly don't thrive. x2 Well said h While surviving is important, it is not the only thing we strive to achieve. I love the thought of reaching self-actualization. Thriving is so much better than surviving. And two thriving together is so much better than thtiving alone.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 12, 2018 9:17:07 GMT -5
12 Words of Affirmation 8 Acts of Service 5 Physical Touch 5 Quality Time 0 Gifts While taking this test (thank you for the link h - I only suspected what I would score but never took the test), I was struck by my scrunching up my nose at any mention of more time spent together. Umm... no thank you. I suspect my physical touch score is more a symptom of current situation but I kind of recoiled at the holding hands questions, etc., which was a surprise too. I am pretty affectionate. So - please tell me I am amazing and appreciated, do something nice for me every once in awhile, sex but no hand holding, find your own things to do (mostly) and don’t bother buying me anything. Ha! About sums up current situation. As you implied, I think you are too jaded by your current relationship to separate what you need from what you want from your H now. It might be better to try to think in terms of what you would need from a new partner (the real you). Or how you would have answered this during your courtship before the marriage Or early marriage?) went south and SM.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 12, 2018 10:36:02 GMT -5
There are two things I got out of love languages, and I've seen a lot of these reports (mostly on other DB venues where this is discussed all the time)
1. Never, ever get involved with someone whose primary love language is acts of service. And most refusers list this as their primary love language and that is where all the choreplay comes from.
2. If you are in an SM, your refuser is not capable of returning your love language (touch). Or refuses to, for whatever reason. That is where the love languages concept fails. The partners are supposed to return each others love language. But in an SM it is always a one way street, with the refused doing increasing amounts of choreplay and getting nothing in return. Or whatever nonsexual love language their refuser has. Like most psych books it fails because it assumes everyone likes sex. Obviously they don't. Or at least sex with you.
Some people bond through sex. Some don't. Those that don't place no value at all on sex. After the NRE is over and they have you snagged. If your primary love language is touch you are probably a bonder (even if you list it second). If your refuser lists it last or near last, they only value it as a weapon or a tool.
That is my take on love languages.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Jul 12, 2018 10:38:23 GMT -5
It has been a long time since I’ve taken the quiz, but I recall that touch and quality time are my top two.
I have asked my husband to read the book and take the quiz several times and he hasn’t. (I will ask again.) I suspect that his number one is words of affirmation and touch ranks somewhere in the middle.
There are a couple of important points from the book that I haven’t seen mentioned in this thread.
We typically default to showing love in our own preferred language. The idea is to discover each other’s preferred languages and then use that information to better communicate love. It’s not necessarily about being matched or mismatched, but about learning how to express love in a way that your partner registers as “love”.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 12, 2018 10:44:55 GMT -5
One of the criticism's of Maslow's model is that sex is supposedly not a basic need I'm confused. It is listed at the bottom of the pyramid, the foundation, along with food clothing and shelter. That appears to make it a basic need. Which I believe it to be (for most people, not all).
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