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Post by choosinghappy on May 1, 2018 11:33:01 GMT -5
Apologies if this has previously been posted.I'm not sure if this is a "resource" exactly, but it certainly was an interesting TED Talk that is quite pertinent to many of us, whether or not we have chosen to outsource: TED Talk: Rethinking infidelity... a talk for anyone who has ever lovedSome notable quotes for me: "We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person to fulfill an endless list of needs: to be my greatest lover, my best friend, the best parent, my trusted confidante, my emotional companion, and my intellectual equal." --This is something I feel bballgirl has the one-up on: Not requiring her H to be the only person to fulfill her needs. Very few of us seem to be ok accepting having multiple people fill those roles. "...we live in an era where we feel that we are entitled to pursue our desires because this is the culture where 'I deserve to be happy'. And if we used to divorce because we were unhappy, today we divorce because we could be happier. And if divorce [used to] carry all the shame, today choosing to stay when you could leave is the new shame." "Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms. There are many ways that we betray our partner: with contempt, with neglect, with indifference, with violence. Sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner. The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage."
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Post by bballgirl on May 1, 2018 13:09:30 GMT -5
I really like Perel and her Ted Talks to think outside of the box.
Here's the thing - when I got my divorce I wasn't of the philosophy to have more than one person to meet my needs. I came to this realization after the divorce, after dating awhile, and most importantly realizing what I wanted for myself.
What I realized about myself and it may be just the way I'm wired is:
1) Relationships are a lot of work and it turns out I didn't want to try with a new relationship
2) I didn't want sex with anyone except fwb.
3) Sex it turns out is just sex for me, it makes me feel wanted and desired but not loved and cared for but that's me.
4) Words of affirmation, quality time and acts of service are my main love languages not physical touch and gifts
5) At the end of the day my family is back together and this is the choice I want for myself
This is just scratching the surface and everyone is different- there is no cookie cutter solution for everyone but again I would not be where I am now if I didn't divorce Mr. Bballgirl
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Post by hopingforachange on May 1, 2018 14:29:48 GMT -5
The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage." There it is, right there, boiled down. |
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Post by elkclan2 on Oct 8, 2018 6:39:09 GMT -5
I've been listening to the podcast series with Esther Perel - Where Should We Begin - which is basically one marriage counselling session with a series of different couples. It's kind of amazing. I started listening to it because I thought it would basically be Maury/Jeremy Kyle for people of my socio-economic bracket and but it's much more thoughtful than that. My partner and I have been listening to it together and talking about our own relationship. Which is great because I've been thinking about going to counselling with him - but it's hard to ask when I don't think anything wrong. I do not have a single complaint in our relationship other than he puts general kitchen utensils, whisks, kitchen knives, garlic presses, etc into a drawer which before he came along was reserved only for table ware.
Actually that's not true - I do have a complaint - and that's how we handle our ex-partners. What makes our relationship great and how we handle each other does not work at all in our relationships with our former spouses. We suck at dealing with high conflict people and it has spill-over into our lives.
Anyway - we will carry on listening and it's providing me with a lot of insights into my own behaviour and the historical baggage I take into this one.
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Post by sadkat on Oct 8, 2018 13:20:54 GMT -5
The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage." There it is, right there, boiled down. That’s the exact phrase I took out of the talk as well! |
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Post by choosinghappy on Feb 21, 2019 21:25:14 GMT -5
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Post by elynne on Mar 3, 2019 18:58:20 GMT -5
Apologies if this has previously been posted.I'm not sure if this is a "resource" exactly, but it certainly was an interesting TED Talk that is quite pertinent to many of us, whether or not we have chosen to outsource: TED Talk: Rethinking infidelity... a talk for anyone who has ever lovedSome notable quotes for me: "We have a romantic ideal in which we turn to one person to fulfill an endless list of needs: to be my greatest lover, my best friend, the best parent, my trusted confidante, my emotional companion, and my intellectual equal." --This is something I feel bballgirl has the one-up on: Not requiring her H to be the only person to fulfill her needs. Very few of us seem to be ok accepting having multiple people fill those roles. "...we live in an era where we feel that we are entitled to pursue our desires because this is the culture where 'I deserve to be happy'. And if we used to divorce because we were unhappy, today we divorce because we could be happier. And if divorce [used to] carry all the shame, today choosing to stay when you could leave is the new shame." "Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms. There are many ways that we betray our partner: with contempt, with neglect, with indifference, with violence. Sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner. The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage." This resonated with me SO much! "Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms. There are many ways that we betray our partner: with contempt, with neglect, with indifference, with violence. Sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner. The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage." |
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 4, 2019 8:22:09 GMT -5
"sexual betrayal" if ever brought up to a refuser, will mean nothing. In one ear and out the other.
However for the refused it means EVERYTHING. Enough to open your eyes to see all the other areas of betrayal, neglect, and mental abuse that we tolerated and accepted.
It's like pointing to a wall and asking your refuser " do you think that color needs to be one tone darker/lighter?"
They don't see the need for it, it's not important, it doesn't matter, they can live with it or without it, they hardly ever think about it.
Then comes , " you are welcome to change the color, but do it by yourself, I want nothing to do with it!"
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Post by caballotierra on Mar 25, 2019 22:35:02 GMT -5
I literally told my partner, "I feel rejected when you don't touch me. It makes me feel unlovely and unloved. I can't live like this, and if things don't change, I will leave this marriage. I am a human who is worthy of love and affection." Just like what greatcoastal said, I might as well have been talking about paint color. Her response was a literal blank stare. I actually showed her one of these videos to try to explain my situation. It was like i was forcing her to watch a video of jews being tortured during the holocaust. She squirmed and argued through the entire thing, and somehow tried to deny it afterward. In hindsight, I can roll my eyes at how obvious and sad the whole thing was: me trying, her not giving a shit. Rinse and repeat. The whole "lightbulb going off" thing doesn't happen with a refuser. They are constructing some mental story that the refused are never privy to. It doesn't make sense, and cannot make sense. Somehow logic is out the window. |
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Post by baza on Mar 26, 2019 1:31:54 GMT -5
One thing in life I am pretty sure of.
That is that peoples attitudes can change.
But I am just as convinced that such change only comes from within the person.
You (me or anyone else) can not force a person to change.
However, someone might be watching a presentation by someone like Esther Perel and it may give them cause to reflect on what is said, and maybe cause them just to think a little.
Sometimes, it might cause them to make a wee little adjustment to their thinking, and maybe move their position just a smidgeon.
I think that "if" someone is going to change their thinking, it will change incrementally and slowly.
I don't think that the "lightglobe moment" happens too often.
Another important thing .... ones' thinking does NOT always change for the better.
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Post by hopingforachange on Mar 26, 2019 5:52:51 GMT -5
I literally told my partner, "I feel rejected when you don't touch me. It makes me feel unlovely and unloved. I can't live like this, and if things don't change, I will leave this marriage. I am a human who is worthy of love and affection." Just like what greatcoastal said, I might as well have been talking about paint color. Her response was a literal blank stare. I actually showed her one of these videos to try to explain my situation. It was like i was forcing her to watch a video of jews being tortured during the holocaust. She squirmed and argued through the entire thing, and somehow tried to deny it afterward. In hindsight, I can roll my eyes at how obvious and sad the whole thing was: me trying, her not giving a shit. Rinse and repeat. The whole "lightbulb going off" thing doesn't happen with a refuser. They are constructing some mental story that the refused are never privy to. It doesn't make sense, and cannot make sense. Somehow logic is out the window. Don't lose your credibility, if she doesn't start to change, you need to start following thru with your threat. |
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Post by caballotierra on Apr 25, 2019 21:06:03 GMT -5
Well, we're divorcing now, so I guess I did follow through with my threat.
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