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Post by northstarmom on Apr 13, 2018 6:14:50 GMT -5
“Okay, hearing all of this, I would just suggest that you contact an organization that serves victims of domestic violence. What I'm reading is very distressing and I'm afraid that you and your kids are going to end up in a very bad way if you don't get out of this "marriage." Sex is the least of your problems from what I'm reading, sister@darktippedrose . I don't even see any kind of love or civility in what you're describing. Why are you in this relationship? “
This. For at least 4 years — here and on EP- several of us have been saying this. Your husband is dangerous and vile. He has a paranoid type of religious fervor that brought him to the FBI’s attention. He blames you and your kids for failures in what he calls practicing his religion but what seems in actuality to be living a lie. He has said things about his children from an earlier relationship that sounds like he wants them to die. He has expressed no care or concern for you and your kids. He is worse than indifferent. He seems to dislike you and enjoy putting you down and making you feel miserable.
Why do you want to have sex with a person who acts in a loathsome way toward you? While leaving this relationship is difficult, figuring out how to do so would be a better investment of your time than wondering why he doesn’t fuck you. Exploring the $35 a session (financial aid also is possible) therapy that I posted info on would be a big step in the right direction. But please realize that you and your children are in danger and act accordingly. Please also realize that your family is dysfunctional and they erroneously think you are lucky to have a husband that healthy people would never have arranged a marriage for with someone they cared about.
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Post by darktippedrose on Apr 14, 2018 16:05:23 GMT -5
I stay for the kids. Its hard to keep them all safe and to take care of them all by myself. If I stand up to him, he makes fun of me for having a "back bone" or just walks away. He gets easily frustrated if I don't have the same opinion.
And if in doubt, my husband is always at the ready to talk about me being mentally ill. He thinks I have mental problems as I'm hyper sensitive and also, I've been in the mental ward multiple times.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 14, 2018 16:26:00 GMT -5
Your mental problems may be due to having to endure your husband’s abusive and indifferent behavior.
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Post by tamara68 on Apr 15, 2018 6:01:35 GMT -5
For several years you have been writing on here, on EP and similar worlds. Every single response you have received told you that you are being abused and you need to get out. Your husband is a mad piece of shit. What strikes me is how many of your posts are about the least important problems that you have. And that you have not seem to be doing anything with the advice everyone has given. You are abused and you need help. Unfortunately that help isn't going to land in your lap by itself. Nobody is going to do anything for you, because - as northstarmom said - you are surrounded by people who don't care that you husband treats you like shit. There is only one person who can start to improve your life and that is You. You may think that you don't have the strength, but I am sure you Do have that strength. You manage to keep going in bad conditions. That means that you are also capable of taking a step to actually do something like seeking contact with a woman's shelter or something like that. You could spend time on thinking about that and going there. You don't need to worry that you have to make a plan for everything about leaving. You only need to take one step at the time. And the first is looking for help. Not just looking for sympathy on these forums. Sympathy is good, and everyone here supports you. But now it is time to get into action.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 15, 2018 6:42:42 GMT -5
You say you stay for the kids. There is no evidence your husband treats your kids well. From what you have posted, he probably is indifferent and cruel to them, too. Things you posted on EP left me concerned he could harm your children. Talking to a lawyer (the first visit may be free) would tell you how a divorce could play out for all of you. Due to your husband’s being abusive, if you decide to explore divorcing do not tell him or your relatives. Don’t tell your relatives because they might tell your husband.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 15, 2018 7:50:33 GMT -5
“ II stay for the kids. Its hard to keep them all safe and to take care of them all by myself. “
Your home seems unsafe for you and the children. You have posted here and on the old EP:
The FBI investigates your husband who since then changed his name.
Your husband goes on mysterious trips and tells you nothing about them.
Your husband expresses support for terrorists.
Your husband hosted for months people from Indonesia and another country noted for exporting terrorism. The people didn’t talk to you. They had lots of private discourse with your husband.
Your husband indicated he wished death upon his Christian kids from his earlier marriage.
Your husband says you and your kids are impeding his progress in his religion.
Your husband detests people of your race. Since your and his kids are mixed, doesn’t sound like he likes your kids either.
Your husband uses drugs, has affairs and has given you stds.
It sounds like the only thing good your husband does for the kids is financially support them. Your living environment is not safe. A lawyer could tell you about how a divorce would shake out financially.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 15, 2018 9:39:48 GMT -5
For several years you have been writing on here, on EP and similar worlds. Every single response you have received told you that you are being abused and you need to get out. Your husband is a mad piece of shit. What strikes me is how many of your posts are about the least important problems that you have. And that you have not seem to be doing anything with the advice everyone has given. You are abused and you need help. Unfortunately that help isn't going to land in your lap by itself. Nobody is going to do anything for you, because - as northstarmom said - you are surrounded by people who don't care that you husband treats you like shit. There is only one person who can start to improve your life and that is You. You may think that you don't have the strength, but I am sure you Do have that strength. You manage to keep going in bad conditions. That means that you are also capable of taking a step to actually do something like seeking contact with a woman's shelter or something like that. You could spend time on thinking about that and going there. You don't need to worry that you have to make a plan for everything about leaving. You only need to take one step at the time. And the first is looking for help. Not just looking for sympathy on these forums. Sympathy is good, and everyone here supports you. But now it is time to get into action. Yes. This. ^^^^^
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Post by javba on Sept 24, 2018 9:22:50 GMT -5
I have a bank account. I cut off our joint account YEARS ago because .....bad things happened. Its incredibly difficult to talk to a therapist and be low-income. Incredibly hard. with limited transportation is incredibly hard and keeping it from my husband. but anyways its pretty hard to do that. DTR, I would encourage you to work on autonomy. I realize in certain situations, such as yours this is a GIANT LEAP. I once met a young woman - younger than you who asked what she should do with her "abusive marriage" because "bro she said - my parent's are old and I have no job" I discussed - look you are NOT getting younger, your parent's will be MORE DISABLED next year. She left and she did well later in life. For our rest of board mbrs' you cannot FATHOM the cultural barriers of "family / arranged marriages" and "social disempowerment of sub-sects and women" specially in the context of being married. Some examples of work that pays live-able wages are working in Real-Estate, gives flexible timing and income. I am sure there are other examples. Now to the QUESTION. 1. Sexlessness due to kids - I have done that to support my kids and wife in a sub-cultural context. I am powerful, I can move out, I can do any thing I please. I am NOT SURE that was the right thing to do. 2. I will not get ONE day of my life back, we're living in a country with 50% Divorce rate and I did not need to stay to SUPPORT the family and kids. My marriage DID NOT get better with time. 3. Between staying and leaving - I am now on the "leaving soon" platform - minus 20 years of my age - and I am that much less market-able in my future life SO Even if you STAY - You need to be autonomous. With reduced financial dependence you would have a clearer vision. Sadly - My own sister is STUCK in a similar problem where she does not do anything to be autonomous, so we all have to do what we have to do.
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Post by saarinista on Sept 24, 2018 13:37:50 GMT -5
Are children really a good reason to be sexless? or for having children with special needs or mental illness a really good reason. No they are not.
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Post by saarinista on Sept 24, 2018 13:40:13 GMT -5
I stay for the kids. Its hard to keep them all safe and to take care of them all by myself. If I stand up to him, he makes fun of me for having a "back bone" or just walks away. He gets easily frustrated if I don't have the same opinion. And if in doubt, my husband is always at the ready to talk about me being mentally ill. He thinks I have mental problems as I'm hyper sensitive and also, I've been in the mental ward multiple times. Rose, are you talking to a therapist at all? You seem pretty stuck. I know your situation is tough, which is why a professional might be a good idea for support.
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Post by javba on Sept 24, 2018 15:22:51 GMT -5
I stay for the kids. Its hard to keep them all safe and to take care of them all by myself. If I stand up to him, he makes fun of me for having a "back bone" or just walks away. He gets easily frustrated if I don't have the same opinion. And if in doubt, my husband is always at the ready to talk about me being mentally ill. He thinks I have mental problems as I'm hyper sensitive and also, I've been in the mental ward multiple times. Rose, are you talking to a therapist at all? You seem pretty stuck. I know your situation is tough, which is why a professional might be a good idea for support. At the cost of sounding assholic, with apologies, May I recommend REAL COUNSELING i.e. trained people, licensed people, NOT "religious scholars" you will NEED to generate SOME support with family mbrs' My worry is with the dogmatic MAN is right approach taken by very many religious scholars you will find your self blamed, shamed, and beaten down. The down side of REAL Counselors' is if things go badly i.e. you are EMPOWERED family will blame you. Just wanted to let you know - we got your back, and wish you strength.
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Post by Dan on Sept 24, 2018 15:53:48 GMT -5
Rose, are you talking to a therapist at all? You seem pretty stuck. I know your situation is tough, which is why a professional might be a good idea for support. At the cost of sounding assholic, with apologies, May I recommend REAL COUNSELING i.e. trained people, licensed people, NOT "religious scholars" you will NEED to generate SOME support with family mbrs' My worry is with the dogmatic MAN is right approach taken by very many religious scholars you will find your self blamed, shamed, and beaten down. The down side of REAL Counselors' is if things go badly i.e. you are EMPOWERED family will blame you. Just wanted to let you know - we got your back, and wish you strength. FWIW: I recall that darktippedrose does not live in the US. While I agree the type of counseling you are envisioning would be a benefit to her, it may be physically inaccessible to her due to location, cultural pressure, and/or her controlling husband and unsupportive family. (Apologies to DTR if I have that wrong.)
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 24, 2018 16:10:55 GMT -5
I pretty sure that she lives in the U.S. and she and her husband are Muslim.
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Post by javba on Sept 24, 2018 16:29:21 GMT -5
IF I recall she'd mentioned in AK
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Post by shamwow on Sept 25, 2018 17:18:03 GMT -5
No
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