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Post by baza on Feb 23, 2018 1:47:45 GMT -5
Below are listed the last 10 members to join the group - and who have posted either a story or made a comment. They are vwmk5j daytonadan sid heckbill ultrajko tiredofbeinglonely sleepless 2old2startover bj chipped Thought it might be interesting to list these new members and follow them through over time. I did this exercise a couple of times back on the old Experience Project group, and it will be interesting to see if these 10 (above) follow the same sort of pattern as they did when this exercise was last done back a few years ago. How it panned out back then was - 8 out of the 10 will not post another thing after their initial contribution, and what happens to them we'll never know. 1 out of the 10 will continue to engage the group for somewhere between 3 to 6 months, then drop off. What happens there we'll never know either. 1 out of the 10 will hang around for an extended period and will bring their ILIASM deal to resolution at around the 18 to 24 month mark. The method of resolution will almost certainly be by leaving the ILIASM deal, and the member is about 3 times as likely to be female rather than male. Incidentally, if any of the nominated 10 members above do NOT want to be involved in the exercise, let me know and I'll delete any reference to you.
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Post by baza on Apr 5, 2019 0:02:44 GMT -5
Those listed above (newbies at the start of February 2018) have panned out as follows 13 months later. 8 of them never posted another thing. They went inactive straight off. 1 - ultrajko last posted on 22 Jun 2018 and indicated he was staying. 1 - tiredofbeinglonely last posted on 6 Oct 2018 and indicated she had just left her ILIASM deal 0 - instances of anyone claiming their deal has 'turned around'. These are pretty much in line with all the other examples where this has been looked at.
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Post by isthisit on Apr 5, 2019 7:45:38 GMT -5
The method of resolution will almost certainly be by leaving the ILIASM deal, and the member is about 3 times as likely to be female rather than male.
Wow, am I the only person surprised by this gender difference? It certainly flies in the face of those societal assumptions that sex is more important to men than women. C’mon guys.... save yourselves!
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Post by Handy on Apr 5, 2019 12:23:07 GMT -5
IsThisIt C’mon guys.... save yourselves! Breaking the idea that (some ) men think they need to be more responsible for the family, don't put the W in any major stress, etc, is a difficult concept to overcome. I do appreciate the encouragement to "save our selves."
I an not surprised by the greater number of divorces initiated by women. The popular talk about how women are taken advantage of and how uncaring some men are, makes it OK for some women to file for divorce. I have read the whys for 10 years.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 5, 2019 15:15:36 GMT -5
I don't think that men's strong sense of responsibility is why more women than men initiate divorce. From what I've seen of my friends' lives, even irresponsible men -- spendthrifts, men with addictions -- are less likely to initiate divorce than are women. I think that men in general are more set in their ways when it comes to marriage. To many men (and we see many examples of that here), the known unhappiness is more comfortable than taking a risk and being single. Women also take more responsibility for trying to address marital problems through therapy or divorce. I think women are more courageous when it comes to admitting and responding to marital problems. Here's what one psychologist says: "The study, based on a survey of over 2000 heterosexual couples, found that women initiated nearly 70% of all divorces. Yet there was no significant difference between the percentage of breakups initiated by women and men in non-marriage relationships. How to explain? I find that these data are consistent with what I and others have seen clinically. When men and women seek couples therapy and then subsequently divorce; or, when either partner seeks individual therapy about a marriage conflict that ends in divorce, it’s often the woman who expresses more overt conflict and dissatisfaction about the state of the marriage. On the other hand, the man is more likely to report feeling troubled by his wife’s dissatisfaction, but pretty much “OK” with the way things are; he's content to just lope along as time passes.' www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-new-resilience/201508/women-initiate-divorce-much-more-men-heres-why
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Post by Handy on Apr 5, 2019 16:43:58 GMT -5
the man is more likely to report feeling troubled by his wife’s dissatisfaction,...
This is true for me.
About counseling and trying to fix things, it was me doing 80% of that type of work. I made the counseling appointments, my W broke several. I went alone after that. I bought, read and participated on a forum related to the book.
... (men) but pretty much “OK” with the way things are; he's content to just lope along as time passes.'....
For me it is where do each of us live after the break-up and how to finance the rest of retirement for 2 individuals. As it is now there are no money problems and I have the space to do things I want to for the next nn years. My W wants a more expensive place of her own and she thinks I/we need to pay for it.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 5, 2019 16:54:02 GMT -5
"For me it is where do each of us live after the break-up and how to finance the rest of retirement for 2 individuals. As it is now there are no money problems and I have the space to do things I want to for the next nn years. My W wants a more expensive place of her own and she thinks I/we need to pay for it."
Have you talked to a financial planner and a lawyer? Why should your wife get a more expensive place of her own? Just because she wants it doesn't mean you have to supply it. Where your wife lives after you split (assuming you do a fair split of your assets and debts) is up to her, not you. It's also karma. This also would be life that her behavior in your marriage has earned for her.
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Post by Handy on Apr 5, 2019 17:00:59 GMT -5
Northstarmon, I know on paper you are correct and I had in mind to make any financial splits work a bit in her favor.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 5, 2019 17:03:59 GMT -5
handy: "Northstarmon, I know on paper you are correct and I had in mind to make any financial splits work a bit in her favor."
Why? Seems she has been taking advantage of you for a long time. I suspect, too, that if you divorce her, she'll try to make an enormous part of the financial split to be in her favor.
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Post by isthisit on Apr 5, 2019 17:04:04 GMT -5
Northstarmon, I know on paper you are correct and I had in mind to make any financial splits work a bit in her favor. Sorry to sound harsh but if she pulled her finger out you wouldn’t have to. Just sayin’.
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 5, 2019 17:13:03 GMT -5
There’s a maxim called Occam’s Razor that essentially says the simplest answer is usually the right one.
The obvious difference between young, unmarried couples and older, married couples is not a lack of progressive gender views on the part of the guy, as this shrink tries to suggest.
The difference is children, finances, and income disparity. I’ll leave it to the reader to conclude how that affects genders differently in a divorce, and whether that might have any influence on their level of tolerance.
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Post by sadkat on Apr 5, 2019 18:18:56 GMT -5
Yeah- I don’t 100% agree with the article’s conclusions. I was raised by conservative parents and learned early on that my “role” as a wife would be to take care of the house and kids. Yes- I also became brainwashed in the “supermom training” where I was convinced I also could hold down a full time job. None of that bothered me and the disparity between what I was responsible for and what my husband was responsible was not the reason why I pursued divorce. I did so because I wasn’t getting the affection and intimacy I needed from the marriage. That was it- no other reason.
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Post by Handy on Apr 5, 2019 19:33:50 GMT -5
isthisit, if my W said she wanted out, I would leave the house and throw a party. Maybe I would be the only one to attend. I am not going to tip my hand by letting small clues be discovered.
Today was a bad day for me. Well this week hasn't been great except for when I had lunch with some friends. If my W found out I went to lunch with 2 friends, she would get back on her fat shaming thing. My W is eating very little and thinks if i don't do things likeshe does them, she gets crabby if I don't follow suit and mimic her behaviors. I did lose 10 pounds (no stones for the UK folks) since Oct 2018.
Sadkat I too had a role to play for a long time and that "role" was to keep the peace, keep the money coming in and make sure everything was paid on time so people didn't go without.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 5, 2019 19:50:19 GMT -5
handy said: "f my W found out I went to lunch with 2 friends, she would get back on her fat shaming thing. My W is eating very little and thinks if i don't do things like her, she gets crabby if I don't follow suit and mimic her behaviors. I did lose 10 pounds (no stones for the UK folks) since Oct 2018. "
So what if she fat shames? Obviously, even though your wife treats you like crap, you have friends who care about you. You could choose to walk away from your wife -- when she fat shames you and in general. There are plenty of fat people who are cherished, romantically loved and have passionate sex partners who enjoy lovemaking with them. You don't have to let your wife crush you.
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Post by Handy on Apr 5, 2019 21:29:38 GMT -5
NSM, I know I control how I feel even if my W fat shames me or tries any other negative thing. I fought back today by saying "get the F out of my face" which is something I don't like doing. She also listed 2 or 3 other major things she was being critical about that she thinks I am failing to do. I am trying not to stoop to low because I try to not go below a certain level of being civil and how I might treat strangers on the street.
She watchesaa TV show called something like "my 600 Pound Life" which influences her opinion of people with extra weight, which gets her especially worked up regarding any extra weight a person is carrying around.
So, I have to decide if I want to fight back or just ignore her nasty comments and just tell her "what ever" or something less passive aggressive like "I see your point" or "yea-OK" and continue on about my own business.
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