|
Post by Apocrypha on Jan 27, 2022 13:53:04 GMT -5
Whoa 4 years ago this was..... I never did follow through with any of this. Not that my personal situation has changed mind. Still the same.... Just getting back around to thinking about this.... You know, I just looked at my previous response and couldn't believe that I did not respond on the thing that was most glaring. Mrs Apocrypha was the first to suggest, in a sustained pitch, that I direct my amorous interests outside. She even began to suggest on an ongoing basis that she thought I already was seeing someone, and that it was ok (though he level of fascination seemed odd and perhaps not sincere). So if I went to my buddy's house for a night of dudes-on-a-map boardgaming, I'd come home to her trying to get me to admit I was seeing someone. Skipping to the end of that chapter, turned out she was having an affair.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Jan 28, 2022 1:25:44 GMT -5
Whoa 4 years ago this was..... I never did follow through with any of this. Not that my personal situation has changed mind. Still the same.... Just getting back around to thinking about this.... Your refusing wife is content with her situation. If nothing has changed, that's because it's still your move.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Jan 28, 2022 2:38:19 GMT -5
Whoa 4 years ago this was..... I never did follow through with any of this. Not that my personal situation has changed mind. Still the same.... Just getting back around to thinking about this.... There's no requirement for you to have done anything over the past 4 years Brother bertie1471 . The options available to you now are exactly the same as they were in 2018. You can start (or re-start) if you want, but you don't have to do a thing. Welcome back.
|
|
|
Post by bertie1471 on Jan 28, 2022 4:35:13 GMT -5
Whoa 4 years ago this was..... I never did follow through with any of this. Not that my personal situation has changed mind. Still the same.... Just getting back around to thinking about this.... There's no requirement for you to have done anything over the past 4 years Brother bertie1471 . The options available to you now are exactly the same as they were in 2018. You can start (or re-start) if you want, but you don't have to do a thing. Welcome back.
Yeh got to blame myself for that.......
Not done anything about it and more importantly, not done anything with myself. Probably less fit and healthy than I was before (which is on me).....
Things have moved on a bit. Kids are a bit older. We're still together.
Trouble is I just can't see myself splitting up I guess...
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Jan 28, 2022 5:35:10 GMT -5
There's no requirement for you to have done anything over the past 4 years Brother bertie1471 . The options available to you now are exactly the same as they were in 2018. You can start (or re-start) if you want, but you don't have to do a thing. Welcome back.
Yeh got to blame myself for that.......
Not done anything about it and more importantly, not done anything with myself. Probably less fit and healthy than I was before (which is on me).....
Things have moved on a bit. Kids are a bit older. We're still together.
Trouble is I just can't see myself splitting up I guess...
There is no rule that says you HAVE to split up. And, there is no rule that you can't. Relationships are complex. I have one friend that does not want to lose his retirement plans, so he has his spare room and his porn. I have another older friend that wants to model a happy married life for his grandkids to experience. In my case, given my wife's spending and the disfunction any discerning person could see, neither of their concerns were in play but my personal happiness was. I woke up every morning thinking, "thank God I'm not married." I had my own place for the first time in my life, decorated and maintained as I saw fit. I had an active sex life, and, I knew that whatever problems my ex and I once had, it was never me. I don't know what your reason for staying is. Maybe you do. Maybe you should evaluate what you truly want in life. The only right answer is whatever you decide on.
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Jan 28, 2022 16:31:02 GMT -5
Whoa 4 years ago this was..... I never did follow through with any of this. Not that my personal situation has changed mind. Still the same.... Just getting back around to thinking about this.... Your refusing wife is content with her situation. If nothing has changed, that's because it's still your move. There is absolutely no guarantee of her contentment with the situation. Like the OP, all that is known is that she is presently tolerating a sexless marriage to this person, for reasons.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Jan 28, 2022 21:05:20 GMT -5
Your refusing wife is content with her situation. If nothing has changed, that's because it's still your move. There is absolutely no guarantee of her contentment with the situation. Like the OP, all that is known is that she is presently tolerating a sexless marriage to this person, for reasons. "Tolerating" is probably an adequate description, but she has likely weighed the balance of good and bad and found the bad tolerable so long as the good continues. In my case, I believe my wife found the homeschool mom married with children and a bottomless credit card to be ample balance to my lack of Christ-like perfection. So long as I didn't go outside the marriage to get what she didn't want to give, she was content to go on with the charade, because she was getting things she wanted.
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Jan 31, 2022 0:49:27 GMT -5
There is absolutely no guarantee of her contentment with the situation. Like the OP, all that is known is that she is presently tolerating a sexless marriage to this person, for reasons. "Tolerating" is probably an adequate description, but she has likely weighed the balance of good and bad and found the bad tolerable so long as the good continues. Yes. And in that regard puts her and her husband in a similar position.
|
|
|
Post by rejected101 on Feb 27, 2022 20:23:52 GMT -5
Whoa 4 years ago this was..... I never did follow through with any of this. Not that my personal situation has changed mind. Still the same.... Just getting back around to thinking about this.... Perhaps the child you spoke of before isn’t quite so young now? Whatever choice you make from this point forward must be your choice. I personally believe if she is happy for you to cheat (genuinely happy) it means something really amazing or really bad. Really amazing is that she loves you and recognises that your sex drive didn’t die with hers. Really bad being you are merely convenient to her lifestyle being maintained. You are probably the best judge of which option it is.
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Mar 2, 2022 21:37:05 GMT -5
^ or that she's stuffed with guilt over her own affair, and wants to pre-emptively even the score.
Embarking on a "don't ask, don't tell" affair puts all of the work of discretion, and the risk - on you. It's like your partner telling you to go purchase a car or a house all on your own, and tell her about it later. What if, when confronted with the reality of what's been purchased, she doesn't like it or finds it to be too expensive. It's a lot of work to keep things on the down low, and the risks associated upon revelation aren't really any different from cheating. Mrs Apocrypha "gave me permission" and then proceeded to go supernova berserk when she drilled into something she full well should not have, and discovered a very minor correspondence. My point - if it's found out, and it's discrete - it's already been running for a while and likely won't be treated any differently from an affair. What are you going to do? Say you "got permission" to save face? You'll be a pariah - and she likely wants the leverage.
It's why I like to insist that if it is an open relationship that it is fully open. Eyes wide open, all sides, baby steps. You meet someone, then maybe your wife should also meet this partner and go out for drinks with her and see if she can live with it. Don't kick the can down the road to deal with it later.
|
|