A breakdown in kindness from the Gottman Institute.

Yep. Throughout my marriage, I'd make "bids" and my husband would either say virtually nothing or get a deer in the headlights look. Sadly, my sons also modeled his behavior toward me. I didn't realize what I was missing until I divorced and got into a relationship with a man who responds to me.

Pre marriage example of one of my failed bids. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn't have married him. 
Me: wearing a sexy sheer bra. Boyfriend (soon to be husband) says nothing. 
I ask him what he thinks of it. "It's just breasts," he says.

I'm now with a man who gets so happy to see my body that the sound of my unhooking my bra causes him to go from snoring to wide awake and happily staring.

The article:
"
Gottman wanted to know more about how the masters created that culture of love and intimacy, and how the disasters squashed it. In a follow-up study in 1990, he designed a lab on the University of Washington campus to look like a beautiful bed and breakfast retreat.

He invited 130 newlywed couples to spend the day at this retreat and watched them as they did what couples normally do on vacation: cook, clean, listen to music, eat, chat, and hang out. And Gottman made a critical discovery in this study — one that gets at the heart of why some relationships thrive while others languish.

Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife — a sign of interest or support — hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.

The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.

People who turned toward their partners in the study responded by engaging the bidder, showing interest and support in the bid. Those who didn’t — those who turned away — would not respond or respond minimally and continue doing whatever they were doing, like watching TV or reading the paper. Sometimes they would respond with overt hostility, saying something like, “Stop interrupting me, I’m reading.”

These bidding interactions had profound effects on marital well-being. Couples who had divorced after a six-year follow up had “turn-toward bids” 33 percent of the time. Only three in ten of their bids for emotional connection were met with intimacy. The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs."

I can totally relate to this. My H may be physically present, but he is so often mentally checked out. Just not there. I don’t know where his mind is but it’s not in the marriage or on me. Sad.

I don’t know about you @elle but my H never says a bad or mean word to me but being ignored and unappreciated in this way is painful too. Sometimes I want to say: “Don’t you ever notice how smart and funny and fun I am? Other people do! My friends do, why not you?” But now it’s like I don’t even have the motivation to try to make him care anymore. Instead my energy is going to ME so I can work on myself and move out of this marriage when I am ready.

Anecdote from the other side.
Yesterday I was unloading the dishwasher when out on the deck appeared a blue neon blur.
It was a male blue finch, strutting around to presumably impress his harem of about 4 females.
Ms enna was making the bed so I went in and asked if she wanted to see the birds and their goings on.
Out she came and we watched them hopping about and carrying on.
I felt Ms ennas arm around my waist and then she gave my balls a squeeze.
All very connecting.
And a lead in to a very enjoyable evening hours later.

So, what started it ?
Was I getting a reward for chore play in unloading the dishes ?
Was enna getting a reward for chore play in making the bed ?
Was it my (non existent) fascination with birds ?
Was it enna's liking for birds ?
Who knows ?

Anyway, more on topic, stuff I have read by Gottman makes a lot of sense.

I like to take Gottman's examples and connect them to Dr. Henry cloud's coke machine analogy.
especially the part about kindness. I watch me and my entire family treat my W. with kindness, patience, respect, passive fear, or "putting money in the broken coke machine", and getting zero return.

Just a worthless, fake ,IOU. (like the empty coke machine)   Her exact words."Nobody does anything nice for me around here?"  My kids respond back, "why should we, you don't appreciate it, and what do you ever do for us?" They avoid her by going to another coke machine. ie.- friends houses, video games, work, and their phones, texting and viewing u tube.

The more and more myself and the kids witnessed and  heard these exact words, " that's not my problem. That's not my concern. Whatever. Oh well. Because I said so. Just do it anyways."  The more they started treating her the sameway, and sometimes using those exact words against her. She hates that! it takes away her control.

Sadly avoiding their mom -means avoiding the parents. Now it affects me as well. I did the same thing to my own father by avoiding my bi-polar mother. Dad avoided her too, so as a family we hid from each other. less and less "kindness" to glue us together.

This is why I am looking forward to two separate households. I want that kindness that glues us together at my house.

Yes, I know what to do about my marriage. I'm starting to work on getting my plan in place. 

Over my lunch break I perused Gottman's App - yes, he has an app. I think it is good stuff as long as both partner's are on board. My husband and I review the Four Horsemen once a year or so but I like the other things in the app, as well. I realized I DON'T know his "favorite holiday"... now I am curious and can't wait to ask him. I think it IS too easy to get sucked into routine and stop being curious. Curiosity keeps things alive. Anyway, just sharing there is "an app for that"... lol.

Oh.. and I was pleased when I went through the "rituals" cards that we actually do most of them already on our own.  Not bragging, don't need to, just saying - it feels good when you are on a good track.  (and it is possible)

Oh.. AND.. this is my 1000th post.  (man, I am a wordy woman, thanks for letting me join you all here!)