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Post by casual777 on Oct 8, 2017 1:50:54 GMT -5
Was thinking of how important it is to find a guide of working through temporary, recurrent or chronic sexlessnes . This is what would suggest as a starter for debate
1. Discuss with your partner 2. If no improvement , work on your own stuff. Address your mood and anxiety, contribute to creating a pleasant environment at home, make a gratitude list daily..etc 3. Then re attempt to create opportunities and re-discuss 4. If no improvement decide if sex is a deal breaker 5. If it is, decide when you ll leave 6. If you're staying for the kids, or for financial reasons , or other reasons, for now , decide if you ll outsource 7. Don't keep torturing yourself . You have considered your options and came up with the best position in a difficult situation
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Post by M2G on Oct 8, 2017 5:51:05 GMT -5
Was thinking of how important it is to find a guide of working through temporary, recurrent or chronic sexlessnes . This is what would suggest as a starter for debate 1. Discuss with your partner 2. If no improvement , work on your own stuff. Address your mood and anxiety, contribute to creating a pleasant environment at home, make a gratitude list daily..etc 3. Then re attempt to create opportunities and re-discuss 4. If no improvement decide if sex is a deal breaker 5. If it is, decide when you ll leave 6. If you're staying for the kids, or for financial reasons , or other reasons, for now , decide if you ll outsource 7. Don't keep torturing yourself . You have considered your options and came up with the best position in a difficult situation I like but I would re-order a bit to make it fit better for me: 1. Work on your own stuff. Address your mood and anxiety, contribute to creating a pleasant environment at home, make a gratitude list daily..etc 2. Discuss with your partner 3. If no improvement decide if sex is a deal breaker 4. Re attempt to create opportunities and re-discuss (here you can also tell your refuser you will consider outsourcing or OM but do not do it in anger, or at all, if your refuser has any rage tendencies) 5. If there are no compromises on the refuser side, decide when you ll leave (or just move to a new bedroom) 6. If you're staying for the kids, or for financial reasons , or other reasons, for now , decide if you'll outsource 7. Don't keep torturing yourself . You have considered your options and came up with the best position in a difficult situation
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Post by baza on Oct 8, 2017 19:30:45 GMT -5
If you have been moved to google "sexless marriage" and ended up here, then your marriage is in extreme - probably terminal - trouble and some very difficult choices confront you. This is a time for your choices to be made on an objective and fully informed basis. So any aspects of your marriage where your knowledge is deficient need to be addressed. You don't need to research what being in an ILIASM shithole is like, as you are quite well aware already what that is like, you need to research the aspects you are NOT experienced in. For example, you need to know how a divorce would shake out for you in your jurisdiction. You need at least a rudimentary plan as to how and where you would live in the event that you end up not married. You need a solid support network behind you to help you through such an event should it happen. And you need the best quality information you can get to help your kids - if any - transition through such an event. If you gather that information, you are then in a position to make a fully informed choice. At this point you might want to have "The Talk #1"as per Brother casual777 #1 and see what happens after that. You might get lucky - though the anecdotal evidence in this group does not point to this outcome as being very likely. You might get a bit of tawdry short term re-set sex - that is a reasonably common outcome. You might not get any meaningful response at all - that's pretty common. So, assume at this stage that you are not likely to get lucky with the spouse doing a sustained 180. Now, the questions - answers - choices - start to get very challenging indeed, but at least you will be making said choices from a position of being fully informed. Brother casual777 makes a compelling point about sorting out your own shit. That needs to be a high and ongoing priority.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 9, 2017 20:10:46 GMT -5
If you have been moved to google "sexless marriage" and ended up here, then your marriage is in extreme - probably terminal - trouble and some very difficult choices confront you. You might get lucky - though the anecdotal evidence in this group does not point to this outcome as being very likely. You might get a bit of tawdry short term re-set sex - that is a reasonably common outcome. You might not get any meaningful response at all - that's pretty common. I am really new to this board and to coming clean about my marriage in general. I don't know anyone else IRL that has this problem. I have literally had my eyes open about the likelihood of this changing from this board. Those options suck! I appreciate the flowchart though. My self work has been critical to get me here.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 9, 2017 22:11:34 GMT -5
I am really new to this board and to coming clean about my marriage in general. I don't know anyone else IRL that has this problem. I would almost bet that you do. Just as they don't know how dysfunctional your marriage is, if you have a dozen married friends the probability is there is a least 1 other couple that are in a SM.
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Post by h on Oct 10, 2017 17:10:35 GMT -5
I am really new to this board and to coming clean about my marriage in general. I don't know anyone else IRL that has this problem. I would almost bet that you do. Just as they don't know how dysfunctional your marriage is, if you have a dozen married friends the probability is there is a least 1 other couple that are in a SM. I'll second that. I opened up to a couple of family members recently about my SM problems. Turned out that the second person I told was going through a similar situation also. Just because nobody else is talking about it doesn't mean nobody else is going through it.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2017 17:13:17 GMT -5
here are the choices:
1, stay. Keep trying to get some sex and be in a shitty marriage. Live with it. Keep wishing it will change, maybe go to therapy and find that it doe snot work. On and on, then you get too old and dont care anymore.
2, Leave. Yep, leave. Good fucking bye!! See how that goes.
3, Find sex with other people. Maybe by agreement, or maybe on the down low. (it is a form of #1 but different enough to have its own number
4, come here and talk and bitch, and listen, and post, and feel that others are in the same situation but in the end you are still in a shitty sexless marriage, blah, blah, blah.... But 4 is the same as #1
ok then, 1 and 3 and 4 are all the same. 2 is different
It boils down to stay or leave...that is it. third grade stuff here
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Oct 12, 2017 19:40:49 GMT -5
You make valid points and choices. But before doing any of the above it would be wise to visit a lawyer and have an exit plan in place based around the advice you have been given regarding your individual circumstances.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 15, 2017 5:53:13 GMT -5
here are the choices: 1, stay. Keep trying to get some sex and be in a shitty marriage. Live with it. Keep wishing it will change, maybe go to therapy and find that it doe snot work. On and on, then you get too old and dont care anymore. 2, Leave. Yep, leave. Good fucking bye!! See how that goes. 3, Find sex with other people. Maybe by agreement, or maybe on the down low. (it is a form of #1 but different enough to have its own number 4, come here and talk and bitch, and listen, and post, and feel that others are in the same situation but in the end you are still in a shitty sexless marriage, blah, blah, blah.... But 4 is the same as #1 ok then, 1 and 3 and 4 are all the same. 2 is different It boils down to stay or leave...that is it. third grade stuff here It is not a bad breakdown. What about separation? I have a friend who separated from her H for 2 years. Neither of them were happy and now they are back together. I am thinking of separation for a stretch before divorce. Any pro vs cons?
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Post by M2G on Oct 15, 2017 6:23:28 GMT -5
From what you've outlined, any sexual experience you have with anyone (real or imagined) during the separation would just give him something else to hit you over the head with should you later attempt a reconciliation.
If you do outsource during a separation my advice would be to hold that info to yourself - he doesn't need to know.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 15, 2017 6:37:55 GMT -5
From what you've outlined, any sexual experience you have with anyone (real or imagined) during the separation would just give him something else to hit you over the head with should you later attempt a reconciliation. If you do outsource during a separation my advice would be to hold that info to yourself - he doesn't need to know. Good point. I think it just my denial kicking and screaming at me. I don't have any divorced family- just a grou of "marriage is forever" types so I have a hard time wrapping my head around divorce. Separation seems....easier to stomach.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2017 9:07:14 GMT -5
here are the choices: 1, stay. Keep trying to get some sex and be in a shitty marriage. Live with it. Keep wishing it will change, maybe go to therapy and find that it doe snot work. On and on, then you get too old and dont care anymore. 2, Leave. Yep, leave. Good fucking bye!! See how that goes. 3, Find sex with other people. Maybe by agreement, or maybe on the down low. (it is a form of #1 but different enough to have its own number 4, come here and talk and bitch, and listen, and post, and feel that others are in the same situation but in the end you are still in a shitty sexless marriage, blah, blah, blah.... But 4 is the same as #1 ok then, 1 and 3 and 4 are all the same. 2 is different It boils down to stay or leave...that is it. third grade stuff here It is not a bad breakdown. What about separation? I have a friend who separated from her H for 2 years. Neither of them were happy and now they are back together. I am thinking of separation for a stretch before divorce. Any pro vs cons? The way you put it, it sounds like a way of not really committing. Hey I will try and see how it goes. Maybe that is a really good way. Maybe not. I am of the mind that things wont change. Sometimes they can and do. Most times they dont. Is my wife going to get a sex drive? Can I erase the past? I cant get past the past, and she will never have a sex drive. I am destined to live this way for a long time. Sounds like a story from literature. Save
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 15, 2017 9:37:29 GMT -5
"What about separation? I have a friend who separated from her H for 2 years. Neither of them were happy and now they are back together. I am thinking of separation for a stretch before divorce. Any pro vs cons?"
Sometimes people separate to see if there's something better available. I don't think those kind of separations work because the people really haven't learned to live life on their own terms. If they find someone better, they divorce. If not, they return to the known misery.
I think separation can work if one uses it to explore oneself and to learn to live an independent life. If one uses the separation to make friends, travel, be responsible for cooking, cleaning, repairs, etc. then one can learn to function as a single adult. One then can return to one's spouse because one feels they will enhance one's life not because one feels they will save one's life.
If a guy is separated and just goes to work and home, eating TV meals and falling asleep with the tv on, that's not a good separation. It's not a good separation if a woman chooses to call her spouse for help when the car breaks or the faucet leaks. It's not a good separation if one immediately hits the dating scene, falls in love and clings to their new person, doing nothing independently.
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Flow chart
Oct 15, 2017 13:35:35 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by DryCreek on Oct 15, 2017 13:35:35 GMT -5
Good point. I think it just my denial kicking and screaming at me. I don't have any divorced family- just a grou of "marriage is forever" types so I have a hard time wrapping my head around divorce. Separation seems....easier to stomach. At a minimum, file for financial separation in the process. But I agree with the other advice. Smarter might be to proceed with divorce and delay the final filing if that's what you want. Yes, you're committing to legal expense, but it gets the process underway and you can always cancel; if things don't turn around, you get final resolution much faster.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2017 22:15:01 GMT -5
If you have been moved to google "sexless marriage" and ended up here, then your marriage is in extreme - probably terminal - trouble and some very difficult choices confront you. You might get lucky - though the anecdotal evidence in this group does not point to this outcome as being very likely. You might get a bit of tawdry short term re-set sex - that is a reasonably common outcome. You might not get any meaningful response at all - that's pretty common. I am really new to this board and to coming clean about my marriage in general. I don't know anyone else IRL that has this problem. I have literally had my eyes open about the likelihood of this changing from this board. Those options suck! I appreciate the flowchart though. My self work has been critical to get me here. Jen, people you know have this problem, and they also feel alone. I wish there had been a resource like this in 1988, and I would have been spared decades of misery.
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