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Post by Deleted on Aug 31, 2017 11:48:14 GMT -5
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 31, 2017 12:18:27 GMT -5
Not bad! Nice little summary there. My knee jerk reaction? It needs a follow up about givers vs takers. More about being sucked dry, having your giving nature taken advantage of, and the importance of knowing how to receive for yourself.
Takers live on a one way street paved with double standards.
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Sept 7, 2017 1:18:45 GMT -5
That was an interesting summary. I completely agree with the writer that the little touches to show affection make a big difference.
I'm going to go on a tangent about my personal relationship because this little paragraph has really made me feel like I need to type this out.
So we have been working on things, really, and he is too. (In fact I would say I have been working on things a lot less these last two months while he is continuing to increase since January.) Our frequency has quadrupled and yet I still feel as though I am missing this big thing. I have a void that I am unsure how to fill or even what to say to have him help. This article hit it on the head in one paragraph.
It is the little things. The last couple of months have had the least amount of snuggling in recent memory, the frequency of affectionate touch has diminished and kissing is nearly nonexistent. When he initiates (yup, seriously, it's weird but true) it is not with caressing or kissing or grabbing, it is him telling me to bend over or climb on the bed. I like hearing those things, he could put on a Sir voice and I'd be trembling, but it isn't that way, and it is every single time. So for the last two months or so I have had sex about six times (yeah, I know, why the fuck am I here right?) But each time I am left feeling somewhat alone still.
He basically has not allowed me to kiss or touch on him pre or post coitus and has shut down snuggling. So he gets himself into the mood, we have sex, then we go about our evening.
I feel like I shouldn't be complaining because I am getting it, I am having sex, but wow it is not what I expected.
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Post by baza on Sept 7, 2017 2:51:34 GMT -5
"If" I was him and I wanted my missus to get off my case about sex, I would employ the exact same tactics he is using Sister mrslowmaintenance . Plus, I'd be making sure to come really quickly, and do my best to make sure you didn't. In short, I'd be trying to make the experience so unrewarding for you that you would lose interest... hopefully sooner rather than later. The vibe I get off your post is that his tactics are starting to work. Your enthusiasm level appears to be - understandably - on the wane. |
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Post by h on Sept 7, 2017 4:31:41 GMT -5
Maybe it's different for some people but I'm the one who cut off the physical touch with her. The touching and kissing only serves as a reminder of what's missing. My W isn't working on our sex life at all. I don't want her to touch me in anything other than the most basic and platonic ways. No passionate kisses and no caresses either. Knowing there's no chance of sex makes other romantic interaction too painful to bear.
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Post by hopingforachange on Sept 7, 2017 6:17:53 GMT -5
What makes sex great is the connection and intimacy, what he is doing is giving you the sex but not the connection and intimacy.
You and I are touch people, the simple touches is what makes us feel loved and wanted. If he isn't giving you those, you will slowly feel unloved. Just having him want sex, will keep you happy for a little bit, but it's not the type of sex you need.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2017 9:34:00 GMT -5
Maybe it's different for some people but I'm the one who cut off the physical touch with her. The touching and kissing only serves as a reminder of what's missing. My W isn't working on our sex life at all. I don't want her to touch me in anything other than the most basic and platonic ways. No passionate kisses and no caresses either. Knowing there's no chance of sex makes other romantic interaction too painful to bear. I've been doing the same with my H. I don't know if it's the right thing to do but as you said, the other romantic interaction are painful when you know there's no chance of sex... in fact, it's being harder now to act more passionate with him since after years of rejection I can't see him as a lover and husband, only as a friend... that's sad |
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Post by h on Sept 11, 2017 9:44:22 GMT -5
Maybe it's different for some people but I'm the one who cut off the physical touch with her. The touching and kissing only serves as a reminder of what's missing. My W isn't working on our sex life at all. I don't want her to touch me in anything other than the most basic and platonic ways. No passionate kisses and no caresses either. Knowing there's no chance of sex makes other romantic interaction too painful to bear. I've been doing the same with my H. I don't know if it's the right thing to do but as you said, the other romantic interaction are painful when you know there's no chance of sex... in fact, it's being harder now to act more passionate with him since after years of rejection I can't see him as a lover and husband, only as a friend... that's sad That's how I feel. My W isn't an awful person. If we hadn't been married, I would still consider her a friend. Even now, I still care about her general well being as I would for any friend or relative. Romantic feelings have died though. This weekend, riding in the car, she put her hand on my leg and it felt awkward like my sister was getting weirdly inappropriate. That's not how it should feel to be touched by your spouse. |
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Post by shamwow on Sept 11, 2017 17:55:15 GMT -5
Maybe it's different for some people but I'm the one who cut off the physical touch with her. The touching and kissing only serves as a reminder of what's missing. My W isn't working on our sex life at all. I don't want her to touch me in anything other than the most basic and platonic ways. No passionate kisses and no caresses either. Knowing there's no chance of sex makes other romantic interaction too painful to bear. I've been doing the same with my H. I don't know if it's the right thing to do but as you said, the other romantic interaction are painful when you know there's no chance of sex... in fact, it's being harder now to act more passionate with him since after years of rejection I can't see him as a lover and husband, only as a friend... that's sad It gets even more sad when you don't even see them as a friend anymore. Then it goes from sad to angry then depressed. Then perhaps finally... Single. Wow what a downer comment but also not too far from the truth. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2017 20:05:11 GMT -5
Oh my god h. I know exactly how you're feeling cause it happens to me often. It seems that the passionate love is gone but I still have a friend/brother love for him. |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2017 20:08:43 GMT -5
shamwow I hope I can solve it before that happens for two reasons: I don't intend to stay longer in my marriage and I don't want to lose a friend (I hope we can still be friends)
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 11, 2017 23:32:04 GMT -5
"I've been doing the same with my H.
I don't know if it's the right thing to do but as you said, the other romantic interaction are painful when you know there's no chance of sex... "
Your spouse is basically a compatible roommate and platonic friend or sibling. It's normal for adults not to want to hold hands or keep as on the lips a roommate, sibling or platonic friend. It would feel weird.
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Post by WindSister on Sept 12, 2017 8:45:38 GMT -5
Love Languages is a real thing, I really believe it. I know that is the reason I feel so intune with my husband - we both have the same love languages: touch/affection; words of affirmation; quality time and then acts of service and gifts (in that order with touch/affection being super high). When we were at a wedding last weekend, he had his arm around me and was caressing my back throughout the whole ceremony (my hand was on his knee/thigh, he sometimes held my hand with his other hand, too). If something touched his heart from the ceremony (the vows were so real and beautiful) he would kiss my forehead. Later, at the reception we overheard his ex wife talking to her best friend and she said how he and I still "put on a big show" with our affections. I was shocked at how nasty she sounded but I knew she was nasty behind the scenes because my husband said she's fake. Anyway, we both just rolled our eyes at each other and hightailed it out of there so she didn't know we heard. We had fun toying with her the rest of the night. lol But, truthfully, it's NO SHOW. It's US. We sit right next to each other on the couch at home, watching a movie, hands on thighs, squeezing. Holding hands. Snuggling. No one around to witness - it's US. When you find someone who DOES speak your love language it becomes apparent why it couldn't work with someone who doesn't. You don't FEEL loved unless they speak your language. Simple as that. We will never "hold back" to make others more comfortable. I know he loves me when he has his arm around me. I love and need that and he does too. It's what we do. Hell, he and his ex wife didn't even kiss on their wedding day (they didn't think of it - they were young and forced into it because of the pregnancy). His ex and her new man are never even really near each other at these functions. I have never seen them touch or be affectionate. And that's cool for them. But it's not us. Don't judge us as "putting on a show though" - or do, I don't care, I am happy. lol
But, yes - it's good to know your love language and hold out for someone who at least is willing to express love in ways you can hear/feel.
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Post by hopingforachange on Sept 12, 2017 9:24:09 GMT -5
WindSisterI totally understand what you mean, my primary love language is touch with words of affirmation being the bottom. The W's is words of affirmation with touch on the bottom. I'm always wanting to good her hand, touch her back, kiss her, and she just gives me the wierd look and now, she accepts it because she now knows it's my love language. I have a horrible time trying to understand and speak words of affirmation.
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Post by WindSister on Sept 12, 2017 9:39:00 GMT -5
WindSister I have a horrible time trying to understand and speak words of affirmation. Of course you do, especially when you aren't receiving your love language of touch/affection. Our words of affirmation are equal with quality time, so it all just ties in closely. But, my ex -- I remember him being "willing" to hold my hand to try to make me happy. He'd ask if he could let go after a sufficient amount of time had passed. Or when we hugged, I had to instruct him , "SQUEEZE." I am sorry, but that sucked. The first time my now-husband hugged me, I melted. Hell, even when we shook hands the first time we met, I was taken, his hands were WARM.... it was so nice. If it's not natural, it doesn't feel real. |
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