Post by unmatched on Jul 17, 2017 9:39:24 GMT -5
I am sorry I haven't been around here much the last couple of weeks. Things have been hectic and I am struggling to find the time to get all my work done, let alone read everything here. But I wanted to let you all know that I am getting divorced. We were in counselling for about a year and in some ways it gave us a lot - we were communicating better and more affectionate and touching more and emotionally closer. But there is a fundamental block there around sex and intimacy which never shifted. We went out for dinner about 2 weeks ago and had an awesome evening in a great restaurant - drank some wine, talked for hours and really enjoyed each other's company. Then we came home and tried to have sex and it just didn't work. She was into it for about 5 minutes and then switched off completely. We had a little mini-fight about it and then went to bed. And at that point I just knew that it was never going to be any different. There was no way we could be more connected than we were, and short of years of therapy dealing with her issues nothing was going to change. So we talked a couple of days later and agreed it was time to call it.
It was a strange experience. After years of soul searching and angst and going back and forth it was like something just tripped in my head and I was done. IDK, maybe I finally gave myself permission to let go of it all.
Since then it has been OK at home. We are still in the house together, and except for a couple of frosty days last week we are getting on pretty well. We have a plan to stay in the house together until September because I am going to be away a lot between now and then anyway. And then we want to do 50/50 custody and are thinking about bird nesting for the first 6/12 months to try and make the transition easier for our son (who is 10 and loves his house and his bedroom). So we will see how we go but at this point I am still fairly optimistic about having an amicable split.
Outside of home it has been an interesting couple of weeks. I have been doing a massage course this year (which is amazing and if you are touch-starved and living in an SM I can't recommend it highly enough!). So I was out of town for a few days over the weekend doing that and staying with a friend, and we ended up having lots and lots of sex. I think I had forgotten and under-estimated just how much soul nourishment you get from hours of skin on skin contact and making out and sex. It was awesome!!! I spent the days in a totally touch-saturated and very connected, loving environment and the nights having sex with this amazing woman who I already know and trust and like. By the end of the weekend I was so loved up it was scary!
But that in itself brought on some introspection for me. Even while completely blissed out I could feel places in me that are still locked down and repressed from my marriage. A couple of times I found it hard to come, which is obviously not the worst thing that could happen, since the downside is just having sex for longer, but it was still the opposite of what I would have expected. It is like there is something in me which is holding on very tight and needs some time and space to let go and move on. I also feel like I need to rediscover the part of me that is able to 'take' and satisfy my own needs. Which in turn highlights just how much codependence there was in the marriage and how much I have suppressed myself and my needs/desires for the sake of pleasing someone else. Mostly as a way of trying to keep together the marriage and try to keep the minimal level of love and nourishment that I was feeling, because I didn't trust that I could find it somewhere else. And now, having got laid within a few days of agreeing to divorce, I can feel something inside me that wants to hang onto this new woman and find some safety there instead. Clearly I have issues! If I didn't believe that most of the alpha male stuff is a crock of shit I might be tempted to find some inspiration there...
Anyway, it has taken long enough to get here (2.5 years maybe since I joined EP?) but thank you all for your love and support through this process. I have learned an amazing amount through this forum and EP and made some good friends too. I am sorry I haven't posted more through these last few weeks (and thank you shamwow , your ongoing thread is an inspiration) but I will try and do better and keep posting as things unfold (or unravel, depending on how it goes...). And I strongly suspect the next year will be at least as much of a learning curve as the last one was.
xxx
It was a strange experience. After years of soul searching and angst and going back and forth it was like something just tripped in my head and I was done. IDK, maybe I finally gave myself permission to let go of it all.
Since then it has been OK at home. We are still in the house together, and except for a couple of frosty days last week we are getting on pretty well. We have a plan to stay in the house together until September because I am going to be away a lot between now and then anyway. And then we want to do 50/50 custody and are thinking about bird nesting for the first 6/12 months to try and make the transition easier for our son (who is 10 and loves his house and his bedroom). So we will see how we go but at this point I am still fairly optimistic about having an amicable split.
Outside of home it has been an interesting couple of weeks. I have been doing a massage course this year (which is amazing and if you are touch-starved and living in an SM I can't recommend it highly enough!). So I was out of town for a few days over the weekend doing that and staying with a friend, and we ended up having lots and lots of sex. I think I had forgotten and under-estimated just how much soul nourishment you get from hours of skin on skin contact and making out and sex. It was awesome!!! I spent the days in a totally touch-saturated and very connected, loving environment and the nights having sex with this amazing woman who I already know and trust and like. By the end of the weekend I was so loved up it was scary!
But that in itself brought on some introspection for me. Even while completely blissed out I could feel places in me that are still locked down and repressed from my marriage. A couple of times I found it hard to come, which is obviously not the worst thing that could happen, since the downside is just having sex for longer, but it was still the opposite of what I would have expected. It is like there is something in me which is holding on very tight and needs some time and space to let go and move on. I also feel like I need to rediscover the part of me that is able to 'take' and satisfy my own needs. Which in turn highlights just how much codependence there was in the marriage and how much I have suppressed myself and my needs/desires for the sake of pleasing someone else. Mostly as a way of trying to keep together the marriage and try to keep the minimal level of love and nourishment that I was feeling, because I didn't trust that I could find it somewhere else. And now, having got laid within a few days of agreeing to divorce, I can feel something inside me that wants to hang onto this new woman and find some safety there instead. Clearly I have issues! If I didn't believe that most of the alpha male stuff is a crock of shit I might be tempted to find some inspiration there...
Anyway, it has taken long enough to get here (2.5 years maybe since I joined EP?) but thank you all for your love and support through this process. I have learned an amazing amount through this forum and EP and made some good friends too. I am sorry I haven't posted more through these last few weeks (and thank you shamwow , your ongoing thread is an inspiration) but I will try and do better and keep posting as things unfold (or unravel, depending on how it goes...). And I strongly suspect the next year will be at least as much of a learning curve as the last one was.
xxx
