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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 24, 2017 0:11:24 GMT -5
Back from whale watching today. We visited a beautiful city and some unbelievable scenery on the way to a wee town which is a whale watching mecca. Really breathtaking stuff. All in all trip was amazing. W and I held up pretty well until the final evening while waiting for dinner. Up to that point, there was some deliberate but meaningless physical contact. I was not really into the contact but just went along with it to keep from spoiling the mood for the kids with awkward situations. We slept in separate beds all 3 nights which I wanted anyway.
The final evening she started to pull some mind fuck but I called her out on it. This is a departure as I typically lean towards keeping the peace and letting it slide. Surprisingly she didnt harbor resentment or bear a grudge during dinner.
We had another incident early into the road trip home. Again I called her out on the mind games. Later on at dinner, while the kids went to the restrooms she asked why I was in a bad mood. I responded I was not in a bad mood but that I was calling her out on her bullshit. No response.
There was one more incident in the car. This time she was pulling the mind fuck on our daughter and I snapped at her. That was a big one since we usually show a united front even if we disagree, which we would normally discuss later in private.
Rest of the trip home she didnt say a word to me. But she did check my phone at one point going through the text messages as I drove. I have nothing to hide so no fucks to give there.
My take on that is she was looking for evidence of an affair. She probably thinks my leaving the bedroom and becoming less tolerant of her mind games is an indication there is someone else. There isnt.
Throughout the ride home my mind was fully on divorce. Lots to digest there. I decided that I will formalize an exit plan (progress!).
My biggest hurdle to move towards divorce is the kids. I know kids are resilient and can bounce back from divorce. But in my wife's case, she seems to have anger issues and lacks patience with our children. And its not just me that says it. My MIL tells me all the time. And W readily acknowledges her lack of patience. I dont blame her in this regard. Our kids can be a handful. Im the patient one in our parenting relationship. That said, my wife loves our kids to bits and she is not a bad mother. But she is quick to lose her temper and she gets pretty emotional when she loses it. So the thought that goes through my mind is do I really want to leave the kids to fend for themselves under those conditions?
As a side bar, my wife did not have the greatest upbringing and I think there is some trauma. Nothing like sexual assault or anything similar that Im aware. Ive asked both her and her mother and they both said no. But I sometimes wonder if its just something thats too personal for either of them to admit. She grew up in a single parent household with her mother always working, struggling to provide for her and her brother. So my wife is pretty resilient and tough as a result of thus environment. These are qualities I admire and attracted me to her in the first place. I just never thought she would turn these traits against me or the kids.
I have never thought of it as a abuse, but now I wonder.
Any way back to divorce. I think I will put an exit plan together. The part about the kids will be difficult. Do we manage a coparenting arrangement? Do I leave and trust her to play nice with the kids? Do I push to have the kids live with me?
So yeah the dysfunction is real as fuck. Not sure if the sexlessness is a symptom or a trigger. One of my theories is at some point she decided to use sex for control and power in the relationship. Total bs for sure, but who knows what is going on in her head. I am not without fault I am sure. But even when I was angry with my wife, I always desired her. Im pretty certain she did not feel the same.
So it goes.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 24, 2017 1:00:44 GMT -5
I think you did good TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo . It takes a lot of courage and a lot of internal work to start speaking up. I'm impressed I get the issue with her patience and the kids. I worry about that too with my ex (I think I can call him that now even though we're still under the same roof... feels good!) For me though, I suspect I'll end up with the kids full time and Dad will only have them occasionally. I hope he won't have reason to be all stressy when he does have them. It might be different for you. Tough one. Xx
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 24, 2017 6:33:25 GMT -5
Thanks for the kind words eternaloptimism.Yeah it does take a lot of work to be a dick. Actually, I have a low bs tolerance generally speaking. But since very early in our marriage, Ive tried to be deliberately mindful of direct comments and confrontation. Not because they make me uncomfortable, but because I wanted a drama-less relationship. Especially in front of kids. Dont feel they need to be exposed to that kind of garbage. In hindsight, it may have been perceived by her as a sign of weakness or vulnerability. At this point I realize that effort has been one-sided all this time, a big mistake. She hasnt exhibited the same restraint. This is a recurring theme in our discussions. She's poked the lion now. Will still have to be mindful of how this plays out in front of the kids.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jul 25, 2017 1:40:05 GMT -5
Yeah. Tact in front of the kids is a must. It's how it's done!
As bananarama once said it ain't what you do it's the way that you do it....
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Post by McRoomMate on Jul 25, 2017 8:21:18 GMT -5
That's great I'm all for scheduled sex. I don't think anything is wrong with it or that it takes away from the spontaneity. I also thing the more people have sex the more they will want it. Almost the opposite of use it or lose it, which I believe in too. But I know if I have sex on a Monday then I want more on Tuesday. I had sex July 1,2,and 3 on the 4th I was good. I also had it on the 9th. July has been a good month so far. "I also think the more people have sex the more they will want it."There's a problem with that idea. If it were true, there would be no one here. It would be an empty room. I know that was true for me, and why being put on the monthly plan the day after my wedding was so traumatic. But for some people, the less they have sex the happier they will be. As best I can figure it. It is TRUE or at least there is strong scientific evidence that LIBIDO increases with use. Yes it is also true some people and particularly for many of the "other spouse" of folks on here are not into sex with their H/W or generally asexual / sexual averse. Ways to INCREASE LIBIDO 1. Frequency especially for most (not all) Women www.yourtango.com/experts/therapist-colette-malan/want-increase-your-sexual-desire-have-more-sex2. Exercise / Fit (if one is good shape, Libido normally goes up and up): www.livestrong.com/article/80273-effect-exercise-sex-drive/3. Summary that as frequency declines so does a woman's libido. cogsci.stackexchange.com/questions/4251/how-sexual-activity-influences-a-womans-sex-driveIn short, SOME of the folks on here may still get a healthy sex life back in their couple. SM is not necessarily a death sentence and terminal situation - it can in some (not all) cases be turned around.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jul 25, 2017 19:50:52 GMT -5
I learned a new term that I had not heard before. I wanted to journal it because in some ways it describes me
Sex positive.
I looked up the definition for this term after I saw it used in context.
The term “sex positive” can be interpreted in different ways. For most, it involves having positive attitudes about sex and feeling comfortable with one’s own sexual identity and with the sexual behaviors of others.
Sex positive people tend to have the following traits:
• They are open to learning more about sex and sexual activity. They try to understand their bodies, their partners’ bodies, and all of the physical, emotional, and psychological aspects involved with intimacy. If they have questions about sex, they feel comfortable asking.
• They understand the importance of safe sex for both themselves and their partners. Safe sex can include discussing sexual histories, using condoms, and being tested for sexually-transmitted infections (STIs) like HIV. It can also include emotional and psychological safety, such as supporting a partner with a sexual dysfunction or one with a history of sexual abuse.
• They consider sex to be a healthy part of life that should be enjoyed. For sex positive people, sex can be discussed without shame or awkwardness. It is not a taboo subject.
• They acknowledge that sometimes they won’t want to have sex and that partners might not want to have sex with them.
• They accept others’ sexual practices, as long as the participants consent and feel safe, without moral judgment. This means accepting sexual behaviors that might be different from their own, such as having many partners, engaging in threesomes, or swapping marital partners.
I feel this is me for the most part. Then I applied the same reasonimg to my W and I realize that even though we used to have a great sex life for a long time, she is most likely not sex positive. This is a big reveal for me. It helps explain alot of the behavior in our relationship.
We are catholic and when we got married we filled out a form so the priest could have some sense of compatibility. One of the questions should have been "do you consider yourself sex positive?" with the definition readily available.
On a side note. More mind fuckery today.it wasnt even a major thing but still a mind fuck. And again it was in front of my kids. I felt my body physically tense up when it happened. I wasnt reacting to the mind fuck itself, but to the fact that she has no restraint in front of the kids. What makes me sad is that my 11 year old son will soon begin to think this behavior is acceptable in a relationship. I dont know how to address this issue without turning him against his mother. And I would never do that.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 25, 2017 21:35:47 GMT -5
On a side note. More mind fuckery today.it wasnt even a major thing but still a mind fuck. And again it was in front of my kids. I felt my body physically tense up when it happened. I wasnt reacting to the mind fuck itself, but to the fact that she has no restraint in front of the kids. What makes me sad is that my 11 year old son will soon begin to think this behavior is acceptable in a relationship. I dont know how to address this issue without turning him against his mother. And I would never do that. As far as turning him against his mother, and I would never do that. There comes a time when what's right is right, and what's wrong is wrong. You have every right to call it out, and end it. (level that playing field!) Not opinions, or preferences, or tradition, but facts. If it ends up turning your son against his mother, that is now her problem. She caused it, she needs to fix it. The choice is hers. You ,however can be there to help your son get through it. I'm guessing here, but I remember similar circumstances at our own dinner table. Times when my wife would get confronted by our teenage son or daughter. My wife would pull a DARVO. Their not little kids anymore. The old "Your mother and I both agree on this" ship has long sailed. Instead the " I agree with my son, you are wrong, he's right. You need to apologize to him now, and in front of the whole family". And let me say, the same applies to me. Parents aren't perfect. Mistakes are made. Kids, pre teens, teens, all of them should be raised to feel they have a right to have an opinion, a voice. Facts, thoughts and ideas should be treated with respect. That's a precious gift you will be giving to your 11 yr old. Then get ready, hell is coming to breakfast!.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 1, 2017 15:06:44 GMT -5
Caveat Emptor. This post is super long. While I always appreciate the feedback, I am mostly writing for myself. In this particular entry I write about my inability to come up with an exit strategy and subsequently contemplating staying in the marriage and what that entails from a sex standpoint. In terms of my current mood, probably 7/10 which is probably a high for these past few months. We have a long weekend coming up and it looks like I will be taking the kids camping for a few days without W. We like to get outdoors whether its camping, hiking, or one off excursions like whale watching last weekend. Getting away with the kids for a few days without W is always welcome. I enjoy bonding with the kids under a different dynamic. So super stoked about this trip. In the meantime, W gets a few days to herself which in the past have been revitalizing for her. She usually gets affectionate afterwards. We’ll have to see how that goes. Not really up for intimacy with her at the moment.
It has been a bit of a challenging week emotionally. Lots of ups and down. Had a few major blowouts with W. I found some old journaling entries where I documented some things that she said to me during a fierce passionate discussion a few years back which was probably the beginning of our current chapter. Where she said things like I should go find satisfaction with whores and prostitutes, that she felt inadequate satisfying me sexually and that it was never enough for me, that when we had sex she wanted it hard and fast so that I would come quickly. It was hard to believe that she said those things and it is painful to read and be reminded. For most of last week, I found myself thinking so much of divorce. But the past few days have actually been pretty relaxing with varying degrees of contact and communication. In spite of the wild swings in emotions, I have been trying to formulate an exit strategy in my mind that I can put to paper. I get as far as talking to a lawyer and finding a place to live and then the ideas dry up. I find that my mind is just not in it. Despite the loneliness I’ve felt for the past few years, and the emotional aftermath of so much rejection, I can’t see myself leaving. It comes down to the kids. I believe that in the long run, they will be better off if I stay and have the best possible relationship I can have with W. Yeah I know how fucked up that sounds. But humor me for a little longer. Ever since I left the bedroom, a huge cloud has lifted over the relationship. Its like the tension has disappeared. We have become pretty decent roommates albeit no emotional connection. The co-parenting is actually pretty good for the most part. We have never had major issues there. AND here is the kicker. I find that except for those temporary tense moments where she seems to lash out, out of nowhere, I really like my W as a person. My attitude towards her moments of insanity have also changed. I no longer engage in the bitterness. Let her blow off steam and I politely let her know that her behavior is not cool with me. And as the tension has cleared, the frequency of heated discussions has come down significantly.
***warning some graphic descriptions ahead So the pendulum has swung completely in the other direction as far as my exit strategy is concerned. The other two choices are to stay and be celibate, or stay and outsource (discreet or open). I don’t know that i could stay and be celibate, happily. From what I have lived in the past few years, I know that resentment and anger will grow. Sometimes I contemplate/fantasize wether I can be low libido and maybe have a really good relationship with W where intimacy consists of hugging, pecks, hand holding (she likes this), and body massages, without the pressure of sex. I think this scenario would be perfect for W and she would be bending head over heels to make me happy as a spouse with sex thrown in every few months. BUT. ITS. NOT. ME. Im the type that wakes up with night wood pressed against her ass, and wants to do a reach around to cup and caress her breasts, her nipples. Kiss her neck and then progress from there. I am down for doing this kind of thing every night if I could get away with it. I was having a discussion with someone the other day about the confusion and grief I must feel to have had and lost the passionate part of my relationship. This is he absolute truth. It is a tormented existence. I have so many sexual memories that run through my head. One in particular plays in my head at least twice a day if not more, where we did it doggie style and for some reason that day, my erection was really hard and really large, and her vagina was really tight and wet. We were on our bed, Im holding her by the waist firmly for grip and pounding her hard from behind while she grinds her ass back towards me to meet my thrusts. She makes grunts and makes sounds I have never heard before, and inside I am reaching and feeling places that I have not felt before either, loudly she implored me for more and more. It sounds like porn. These are thoughts that run through my head through out the day. Even now, that we are disconnecting, when we accidentally touch or I get a serendipitous cleavage shot it conjures up all kinds of images in my head. I don’t know that I can be celibate despite having the occasional impulse to be lower libido. I have heard there is medication that lowers libido. I am not a big fan of chemical health options. In short, I anticipate that the life of forced celibacy would turn me into a resentful and angry person. This is a state of being that I emphatically refuse to evolve to. ***end graphic descriptions
So that leaves me with the third option which is stay and outsource. I have been doing a lot of reading about this lately. Why people cheat. The consequences of cheating. Tips and trick for having an AP. It had not previously occurred to me that there is an entire lifestyle and vernacular associated with outsourcing (AP, MAP, pAP, NER etc). The outsourcing option is becoming increasingly appealing to me for intimacy and validation. Heck I already feel better just flirting. This weekend alone, I was giving off some crazy vibe as I was flirted on by 3 different women at my son’s soccer games. One of these happened right in front of W who responded by asking me if I could check on my youngest as she hadn’t seen him around in the last few minutes, lol. Of course finding outsourcing appealing and going through with it is an entire matter altogether. Then there are the subtleties of outsourcing such as open marriage, cheat, or don’t ask, don’t tell. If I had to rank my preferences, I would prefer an open marriage, followed by don’t ask, don’t tell, and least favorable is outright cheating (who enjoys lying and deception?). In previous discussions where we have talked about swapping (she brought it up), and cheating (she occasionally asks me if I cheat on her when I travel for business) she has mentioned that if I ever did cheat, that she did not want to know about it. She is a jealous type. If she sees me having too good a conversation with any woman in a social setting she is quick to step in or makes remarks about it after the fact. Ironically, she sometimes makes insinuations that make me wonder if she is secretly ok with outsourcing if thats what it takes to keep me sane and happy. I do not believe she would ever admit this however. So I am seriously considering having a discussion with her about an open marriage. I don’t know that she will be receptive to the idea at all, but I think that it will at least let her know where my head is at. Will she ask for divorce if I bring this up? Its possible but I doubt it because divorce would imply all sorts of nasty things for her. A change in lifestyle, stigma of sexual failure in the relationship, trauma for the kids, logistical complications and so forth. If the open marriage concept doesn’t work, then it will be don’t ask don’t tell for me. What is the difference? I am not really sure. Its a grey area. To me, don’t ask don’t tell is different than an open relationship in that while both partners know or infer that there are other sexual partners, its not an open topic for discussion. its kept compartmentalized behind locked doors. How is it different than cheating? I think in cheating there is an underlying vibe of deception. It involves the getting caught test. If you get caught cheating, you deny, deny and deny. In a don’t ask don’t tell, if you get caught, your partner might turn the other cheek or perhaps call you out on it and ask you to be more careful and respectful. Yeah. Clearly its not fully fleshed out yet, hence my apprehension at this point.
The other thing I am astutely aware of is that there is a huge social stigma associated with outsourcing. And the social cost of outsourcing can be very high, even if your partner is in agreement. I have been lambasted for merely contemplating outsourcing on another forum recently. So the cardinal rule of outsourcing is nobody and absolutely nobody can know. Another piece of advice that I find worthy is that one has to be super selective about the outsourcing partner. Because the socials costs are so high and the repercussions of people getting hurt, the AP must be vetted carefully. Then there is this whole concept of OPSEC. The length you have to go to, to maintain discretion. Makes one wonder if all the effort is worth it. From what I can tell, It is. I’ve even read of cases where outsourcing can revive the relationship. I wouldn’t expect it to happen in my case, but if it did, I guess I wouldn’t be opposed.
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Post by baza on Aug 1, 2017 19:39:03 GMT -5
Something to think on. ALL marriages (those "made in heaven" all the way through to "ILIASM shitholes") end. Every last one of them. Death or divorce see to that.
So, for any spouse, it is smart to have a plan to cover the certainty of the marriage ending, and you being single.
Obviously, if your deal is an ILIASM situation, the risk of divorce rises exponentially. You may get to a point where you can't tolerate the situation any more. Your spouse may get to that point and move to end it.
You might try the highly adventurous "outsourcing" option and drag a 3rd party into the dysfunctional situation, and that is invariably a game changer, spinning things off at some crazy tangents you cannot control, and raising the risk of collapsing the primary relationship in acrimonious fashion.
Really, if you are married, you need to have a plan for a scenario where you are not married. If your deal is an ILIASM shithole, then you REALLY need such a plan. If you are going to outsource, then you ABSOLUTELY need such a plan.
The "the cardinal rule of outsourcing" may well be "that nobody and absolutely nobody can know" but the facts are that there are so many uncontrollable elements to such a situation that the cat inevitably gets out of the bag.
If you are considering outsourcing, then by default, you are also considering the end of your primary relationship, and you need to take that probability just as seriously. This is not an option to approach in some half arsed manner. Have a plan.
"Hoping you don't get caught" is NOT a plan.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 1, 2017 21:04:51 GMT -5
Baza... you fekkin beauty. I want to give you a big wet smooch. Thank you for your feedback. I would expect no less from you.
One day my friend we will have a beer or the beverage of your choosing. That is if you are partial to the idea. Count on it. I dont know where you are based but I do travel a lot and Im sure I will be somewhere near you at some point.
Yes. Absolutely agree that I need to have a plan. Its just very hard for me at the moment. So if you meet me, have some courtesy, have some sympathy (for the devil).
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Post by baza on Aug 1, 2017 22:37:50 GMT -5
The cornerstone of any plan is the appropriate legal advice for your jurisdiction. That will give you a framework from within you can work.
Funny thing is, that most people (me included back in the day) are reluctant to seek this information. For me, this came at me in two different ways. . . #1 - I was thinking "what if this advice shows a hopelessly punitive situation and means that I can't get out ? I think I'd rather stay ignorant and hope for divine intervention" #2 - came later. I was thinking "what if this advice actually shows me that I COULD manage my way out ? That would knock down the biggest barrier and it would be incumbent on me to act. That scares the shit out of me so I'd rather stay ignorant"
In my case, the position revealed itself as being #2. And that, truly opened the can of worms for me. Took me about another 12 months to act on it.
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Post by cagedadventurer on Aug 2, 2017 17:57:42 GMT -5
Back from whale watching today..... My biggest hurdle to move towards divorce is the kids. I know kids are resilient and can bounce back from divorce. But in my wife's case, she seems to have anger issues and lacks patience with our children. And its not just me that says it. My MIL tells me all the time. And W readily acknowledges her lack of patience. I dont blame her in this regard. Our kids can be a handful. Im the patient one in our parenting relationship. That said, my wife loves our kids to bits and she is not a bad mother. But she is quick to lose her temper and she gets pretty emotional when she loses it. So the thought that goes through my mind is do I really want to leave the kids to fend for themselves under those conditions? As a side bar, my wife did not have the greatest upbringing and I think there is some trauma. Nothing like sexual assault or anything similar that Im aware. Ive asked both her and her mother and they both said no. But I sometimes wonder if its just something thats too personal for either of them to admit. She grew up in a single parent household with her mother always working, struggling to provide for her and her brother. So my wife is pretty resilient and tough as a result of thus environment. These are qualities I admire and attracted me to her in the first place. I just never thought she would turn these traits against me or the kids. I have never thought of it as a abuse, but now I wonder. Any way back to divorce. I think I will put an exit plan together. The part about the kids will be difficult. Do we manage a coparenting arrangement? Do I leave and trust her to play nice with the kids? Do I push to have the kids live with me? So yeah the dysfunction is real as fuck. Not sure if the sexlessness is a symptom or a trigger. One of my theories is at some point she decided to use sex for control and power in the relationship. Total bs for sure, but who knows what is going on in her head. I am not without fault I am sure. But even when I was angry with my wife, I always desired her. Im pretty certain she did not feel the same. So it goes, yes indeed. I saw this post yesterday and thought unbelievable similar actually IDENTICAL situation!! Even in my will I have a STRONG statement to the attorney that there must be family intervention so that she is NOT left solely to her own device regarding raising the two youngest (9 & 12). Because of the anger outbursts, inability to hold her tongue, keep them "safe" at home never wanting to go anywhere mindset (outside of local retail) or engage them academically and socially. As you know, not a bad mother just too many issues to leave alone. Yes I am the protector too to keep her in line. To that, I evidence her behavior so that I know that if it comes down to it, I would at least have the slightly upper hand in custody and time spent with her. Even though she treats be almost syrupy nice these days, (though not screwing my brains out as she should) I am working an exit because I really need to. One issue is, though she now avoids vs. outright rejection now (she will accommodate to keep peace), I know this does not change. Often times the rejection and the whole scene makes me feels like someone is standing on my chest and I have to breathe deeply through my mouth to relieve the pressure or catch my breath. It is emotionally painful but literally transfers to physical at times. I cannot keep doing this. After her quickly dressing and running for the kitchen as I prepared for work this morning, I removed my ring. She keeps our wedding clothes in a jacket protector so I dropped it in my wedding jacket pocket and re-zipped the cover. When or If she asks, "I just archived it with other sentimental items from that day". Not sure what a ring means today but it certainly does not mean undying love. More of a "gotcha - you're stuck with me kid" symbol. Daddeo, if you're ever in Florida, we could trade stories that I am confident would sound eerily similar. If you bring your wife, maybe we'll find they're identical twins. again I could repeat everything you wrote - it is almost scary. Even the rated X situation....
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shes2hot4me
New Member
all the things that I used to know, have gone out the window
Posts: 7
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by shes2hot4me on Aug 2, 2017 19:29:47 GMT -5
Thanks from sharing we will try this approach I'm learning every day
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Aug 8, 2017 10:15:59 GMT -5
Not much to write about lately but had a few thoughts.
Been fighting a little bit of a depressive state and low libido lately (that might be a good thing right?). I’d say my mood is at about a 4/10, when usually Im more in the 5.5-6.5 range. This is somewhat bothersome because when I get this way my productivity suffers. At work and at home, it just seems like my mind wanders and I’m just going through the motions daily. My output/performance at work is typically very high so either my colleagues are giving me a pass or the lower productivity puts me in more of a typical range. Plus its the summer doldrums in my industry so maybe its not as noticeable as everybody is distracted with their kids’ camps and summer vacations. I don’t like being this way at home because it seems that I do things mechanically and for instance, I might not be fully present with my kids. For that reason the camping trip this weekend was a good idea. I went grocery shopping for the trip, prepared our gear, made some decent meals which I know they enjoy, of course we got to go to the lake, did the marshmallows and bonfires and most the stuff they enjoy and some we couldn't as the weather did not cooperate. So hopefully the trip balanced things out a little for my emotional distance with them lately. Oh and at the last minute, my wife decided to make arrangements to join us. More mindfuck? It is what it is.
So what is making me unproductive? I spend time on forums reading experiences from other people or chatting with folks over one thing or another. I find that I am spending a lot of time thinking about my relationship or lack thereof with my wife. I wonder what she thinks about all this. She is usually the talkative one but other than the odd cynical remark here and there she has said very little of significance about the relationship these past few months. She knows I am not happy but its just silence on her part. My knee-jerk reaction is that she has checked out and is just riding it out. She has it good so there is no reason for her to rock the boat. To paraphrase Baza, she has an ATM, social accessory, and child minder. When I think about initiating the discussion I’m discouraged because frankly there is not enough connectivity or sympathy between us to go there. There is of course underlying resentment and anger over the sex life. We are like distant roommates who happen to get along for the most part and have shared conversations about the household and the kids. I don’t feel highly moitivated to put the effort in because it will be a one-sided discussion only to be treated with sarcasm and defensiveness (manipulation tactics). The last time we spoke about the relationship, it ended with her suggesting I should leave if I wasn’t happy. I wasn’t buying it in the context of the discussion seeing her statements rather as a form of micro-aggression on her part to gain advantage in the relationship power dynamic. I’m sure I will get some feedback on that if anyone is following along. I’d like to hear what people think.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 8, 2017 12:59:31 GMT -5
"I've tried to be deliberately mindful of direct comments and confrontation. Not because they make me uncomfortable, but because I wanted a drama-less relationship."
Direct comments allow clearer communication. Indirect comments -- hints-- can go over people's head or lead to problems' festering.. Direct comments are not the same as name calling or being viciously argumentative. Statements like, "I would like," or "I don't like" or, "I feel angry or confused when you" are direct comments.
Avoiding speaking directly could also inadvertently gmteachvkuds that disagreement is wrong even though disagreements are a natural byproduct of relationships. What is helpful to model is how to resolve the inevitable disagreements.
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