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Post by flounder on May 13, 2019 13:30:29 GMT -5
Good to hear from you Contender. I’m happy that things have improved for you I hope they continue to do so.
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Post by baza on May 13, 2019 19:48:09 GMT -5
Your post today reads rather differently and positively than your first post (July 2017) Brother TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo . It would seem that your policy of sorting out your own shit is bearing fruit.
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Post by workingonit on May 13, 2019 20:50:35 GMT -5
So nice to hear from you! You are keeping it real- made evident by the fact that your life continues to not be simple. That is real certainly. I have missed your posts and insights!
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on May 15, 2019 10:08:57 GMT -5
Your post today reads rather differently and positively than your first post (July 2017) Brother TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo . It would seem that your policy of sorting out your own shit is bearing fruit. What Baza says is true. Working on ourselves is the best investment at any time. But its fucking hard. Everyday is a challenge for me, some days easier than others of course. There is a lot of hurt and pain. With this comes a natural tendency to look for blame and retribution. I struggle with this. But I focus by prioritizing the need to rebuild intimacy and coupleness. And from her end, she is responsived to these efforts, albeit it requires a lot of patience from me as I tend to be impatient. So what do I work on? Well first of all it took me so loooong to realize that Im basically a shitty relationship partner. Admitting that is difficult and hurts tremendously. I cannnot turn back the clock. I cannot undo the pain I have caused. I have done some shitty things in hindsight. Nothing overt but little things that over the years, little by little, sabotaged the intimacy in our relationship. I didnt invest a lot of time in understanding why I have these relationship shortcomings. I accepted that I had them and moved towards remedying what I could. BTW, this discovery was made all the more difficult to decipher because I have a pretty respectable outward looking profile. Decent career, good son, good father, responsible member of the community, and seemingly, a good husband to the outside observer. So you have all these factors reinforcing what a great person you are, you could do no wrong. What I didnt realize along the way is that even though the big picture looked pretty good, when you filtered out all the noise, there were signs of trouble in paradise all along. While there were times that the signals were loud and clear, I missed opportunities to adequately address these issues. Over and over again. Understanding why I missed these opportunitites was a critical discovery in my journey. I really didnt understand how succesful relationships work. I really didnt understand the role of emotional intimacy. I really didnt understand how many of my actions were relationship killers. And I didnt understand that I wasnt doing enough to build intimacy and closeness in the relationship. Whenever there was an alarm going off that "hey, the relationship is in trouble", I always resorted to the default attitude of love conquers all, and Im not such a bad catch, she knows that. Pretty arrogant and negligient if you ask me. So I work on understanding what build relationships and what tears them down. Its a work in progress. The other "needle mover" that I work on is communication. What is ironic is that in my profession, it is required that I communicate effectively. So again a reinforcement that, "hey, Im a great communicator". But, truth is, that did not translate to the relationship much less the bedroom. There is much more. Ill update when I have time. Its therapeutic to write down my thoughts and I hope that maybe this helps someone in a similar situation.
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Post by sadkat on May 15, 2019 11:08:26 GMT -5
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on May 28, 2019 10:01:08 GMT -5
So not really an update, but more of a stream of consciousness entry.
W and I had some pretty intense discussions these past few weeks. Sometimes its so hard to process. For me at least, some elements of the discussions linger in my head for weeks after. Such are the after shocks. I have been ruminating on these elements lately and one in particular. Im not sure how I feel about it but I did want to write it down.
I mentioned to W that I felt her aggressive lashing out is a contributing factor in the state of our relationship. This behavior sabotages communication, I feel the urge to distance myself when it happens. Then she says that Im the reason she lashes out. Its a response mechanism.
Now, to be clear, Im in now way shape or form justifying the behavior. It clearly crosses a line. But its makes sense to me that I trigger her.
Things have been relatively calm now for almost a month. She is happy and we are connecting at some levels, but she is emotionally distant as far as the relationship is concerned. She has asked for some space which I oblige even though its a struggle for me. But thats another matter I wont get into.
But I am observing the dynamic. As a relevant sidebar, a good friend and I talked recently about female infidelity and the context around it. How over time, females experience the desire for sex but not with their spouse because of the emotional burdens that come with the spouse. With infidelity, there is sex and intimacy without emotional burden. So as I observe the dynamic between W and I, it seems to me that maybe W feels triggered by the emotional burden of the relationship or at least how that burden manifests in our relationship. When I give her space, the tension eases, and the interactions feel easy between us.
Im not sure if this insight helps with our relationship, but it certainly seems meaningful.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 4, 2019 10:33:47 GMT -5
A quick follow up ... if you are too lazy to read, the short version is that Ive learned that emotional labor and burdening is a thing. And its a major thing in our relationship I continue to make progress, not significantly on the relationship itself (baby steps), but more so on the realtionship dynamics and what works and doesn't work. The easing of emotional burdening on my part seems to be a significant catalyst to her feeling comfortable and rebuilding emotional intimacy (not physical intimacy or sex per se). My takeaway is that my insecurity and feelings of rejection as a result of her checking out emotionally were manifesting as angst and frustration as far as she was concerned. My well intentioned, but misinformed actions likely felt like an emotional burden if you will. The balance of emotional labor was probably seriously out of whack. And the relationship energy was negative. I eased off and significantly pulled away from the relationship. Checking out emotionally if you will. It wasn't a thought out strategy on my part to win her back. This was more self preservation actually after some intense and brutally honest and painful relationship discussions back in April and into early May. In fact, I stepped up AP search with some success as a means of checking out. At the same time tho, I wasnt a dick about it and continued to be emotionally available if SHE showed that she needed it (for the kids or house stuff let say). Well the outcome was completely unexpected but nonetheless a pleasant surprise. She is making efforts at reconnecting in small, non-commital but not insignificant ways (holding hands, calling, texting etc). We have even managed an intensifying series of spontaneous "mini-dates", which I know from the past, are meaningful to her. If you asked me a month ago, I would have been very happy to have managed one mini-date a week, but it seems like we are having them almost daily. Without effort. They just happen. Im gobsmacked. The formula is simple. I do my thing, my routine with job, kids, house stuff etc. I dont really bother her, I dont even call really unless I need to for something not relationship related. All our recent regualr interactions are super cordial. There is no tension when we are both in the same room. BUT, I do make a deliberate effort to be available to her when she looks for it. When she speaks, or calls, Im fully engaged. I put down whatever Im doing and make eye contact. I listen to her like she is the only person in the world. For whatever reason, she has picked up on it and is making efforts to connect (hold hands, talk about her day, spend time together gardening, shopping, going for a walk). It helps significantly that Im mimicking her energy and intensity levels. Now Im not foolish to believe that this is long lasting. Its all very light and cordial. Real and lasting intimacy will require a deeper engagement. That goes without saying. Im highly aware of that. Still Im just amazed at how effective checking out but still being available has been. Im somewhat conflicted bc Im still searching for an AP. At the same time, I wonder if she has picked up on that and it has unintentionally effected some surface level hysterical bonding. Interesting times. So not really an update, but more of a stream of consciousness entry. W and I had some pretty intense discussions these past few weeks. Sometimes its so hard to process. For me at least, some elements of the discussions linger in my head for weeks after. Such are the after shocks. I have been ruminating on these elements lately and one in particular. Im not sure how I feel about it but I did want to write it down. I mentioned to W that I felt her aggressive lashing out is a contributing factor in the state of our relationship. This behavior sabotages communication, I feel the urge to distance myself when it happens. Then she says that Im the reason she lashes out. Its a response mechanism. Now, to be clear, Im in now way shape or form justifying the behavior. It clearly crosses a line. But its makes sense to me that I trigger her. Things have been relatively calm now for almost a month. She is happy and we are connecting at some levels, but she is emotionally distant as far as the relationship is concerned. She has asked for some space which I oblige even though its a struggle for me. But thats another matter I wont get into. But I am observing the dynamic. As a relevant sidebar, a good friend and I talked recently about female infidelity and the context around it. How over time, females experience the desire for sex but not with their spouse because of the emotional burdens that come with the spouse. With infidelity, there is sex and intimacy without emotional burden. So as I observe the dynamic between W and I, it seems to me that maybe W feels triggered by the emotional burden of the relationship or at least how that burden manifests in our relationship. When I give her space, the tension eases, and the interactions feel easy between us. Im not sure if this insight helps with our relationship, but it certainly seems meaningful.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 4, 2019 19:50:35 GMT -5
Had another quick thought tonight as I was out daddy-ubering and I wanted to jot down for future reference.
There are some powerful forces and motivation behind my checking out of the relationship.
It mostly comes down to owning my shit and not framing myself as a victim. Ive written about this earlier on sometime in 2017. I feel the difference now is that Ive worked past the resentment stage. In hindsight the resentment stage to me is about seeking sex for validation and soothing. This is very unnattractive. No one wants to have sex to validate someone else. If I had understood this concept sooner, I believe I would have exited the resentment phase a lot sooner.
W lost interest, became sex averse partly because of my actions and actions I failed to take. While I am not responsible for her actions, I am responsible for putting her in a spot where she felt she had to make that choice. I fully own that and its empowering. I do believe that this phenomena is very common.
It may sound like nonsense, or maybe the way I articulate it does. But its very motivating. It moves me closer to showing the world the best version of myself and enabling all the possibilities that result from doing so.
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Post by baza on Jun 4, 2019 20:04:38 GMT -5
Yep.
The underlying key issue for everyone .... sort your own shit out.
As you do that, a helluva lot of other peripheral things will sort themselves out.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 7, 2019 23:53:20 GMT -5
Happy to report...Im making decent progress on sorting my shit. I even got laid without even trying.
Anyhow, I actually continue to detach both from the relationship and also from sex. Its a shift in mindset. Im doing this via a self imposed 90 day mindset reboot in hard mode if you will (sleep, exercise, nutrition, reading, meditation, journaling, abstention from distraction, hobbies, and general mindfulness)
It is causing a wierd dynamic because now that I no longer care to have or want affection, W seems happy to provide it.
Wish me luck!
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Post by baza on Jun 8, 2019 0:13:31 GMT -5
If you keep sorting out your own shit, there will inevitably be collateral effects on people around you Brother TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo . And if you are presenting something different to what you used to present, then people around you will tend to respond differently toward you than they used to. Your story looks like a situation of personal growth, and that has to be a good thing - and it will eventually flush out the truth.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 8, 2019 7:53:26 GMT -5
Personal growth sounds about right. I cant help feeling that in trying to be a decent father, husband, productive member of society, I sonehow lost my sense of self along the way. Im out to recover it. If you keep sorting out your own shit, there will inevitably be collateral effects on people around you Brother TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo . And if you are presenting something different to what you used to present, then people around you will tend to respond differently toward you than they used to. Your story looks like a situation of personal growth, and that has to be a good thing - and it will eventually flush out the truth.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Jun 13, 2019 14:34:10 GMT -5
Just a quick check in.
Mindset reboot is proceeding although in fits and starts, not where I necessarily want to be, but not too worried either. Im comfortable with slowly building the momentum. I see this reeboot as the inital phase of a 2-3 year project in self improvement. At the end, I suspect I will be in a good place mentally to exit or the relationship will have gone through a rebirth. Im convinced I will be fine either way.
I do feel like I am making significant progress in the mindset shift. In fact I feel like Ive broken through a major barrier in self assessment and hence self improvement.
This breakthrough is in the area of seeking validation from sex and the relationship in general. Its a major needle mover for me. In identifying and throttling behavior that that reinforces that mindset or perspective, I have been able to accelerate disconnecting from sex and the relationship. Mind you it has taken me a shit ton to get to this point. As Ive alluded to before, I first had to get over the resentment. That was a journey unto itself
In my case, the validation from sex and the relationship was a recipe for toxic relationship dynamics. It also unfairly burdened W with excess emotional baggage. This is the part where I was not a very good partner. In fact you could say I was manipulative and disingenuous and you would not be wrong. It seems very complicated to sort out when you are in the front lines, but its plain as day when observed from a distance. Why it took me so long to figure that out is a mystery.
The silver lining is two-fold. First, I realize W must have a shit load of love for me since she has stuck around this long. And it feels good to feel loved. I now recognize, that while I am generally a nice guy and even keeled, I demonstrated behavior that was self sabotaging and can now empathize with many things she has blamed me for, where previously I was in denial. The second is that once you start to recognize where you have gone wrong, you can start to address. These things are under my control. I can only change myself.
As I pulled away from the relationship and disconnected, something funny happened. W has started to connect in ways we havent in so long. Communication, granted surface level stuff, is effortless and with zero tension. Random gestures like touch, eye contact, smiles are in abundance. At first, it caught me off guard, but now it makes perfect sense. Ive removed toxic aspects of the relationship and she is responding in kind.
We are not in the clear by any means. Although I did get laid without even trying and she was incredibly horny like I havent seen in awhile, sex has not returned. It was a one off. And Im ok with that. Also, we are still in a moratorium sort of speak on having deep relationship conversations so it feels more like extremely affectionate coparenting and cohabiting. Despite those constraints, the honest, albeit light intimacy is refreshing. Previous attempts to cohabit and coparent were always full of tension and resentment with conversation limited to a bare minimum.
And the last thing I will say on this post is that Im not doing any of this to save the relationship. Im doing it to save myself. Im investing in my future happiness whether that is in this relationship or the next. Im taking ownership of my shit. And that includes my happiness. I have also fully embraced the reality that her shit is hers to own. I cannot fix her
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Post by sadkat on Jun 13, 2019 14:51:29 GMT -5
TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo- thanks for the update. I’m very impressed with the work you have done so far. Regardless as to how things might end up, you are on the right track for making a better life for yourself. It’s obvious that you’ve put a lot of work into this. Kudos to you! I’m looking forward to more progress updates!
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 13, 2019 14:53:41 GMT -5
Worth repeating: “And the last thing I will say on this post is that Im not doing any of this to save the relationship. Im doing it to save myself. Im investing in my future happiness whether that is in this relationship or the next. Im taking ownership of my shit. ”
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