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Post by lwoetin on Jul 11, 2017 10:54:52 GMT -5
It's interesting to see what are causes for long marriages to split. The Comments section have good info. Also have posts from happy marriages too. Why Long-Married Couples Split--------------------------------------------------------- None of it is easy, but I say to you: if your relationship is lacking passion & intimacy & love...that deep soulful love & desire you should feel & you deserve, you are selling yourself short! I am not advocating divorce, but I know from experience it is real. If you don't have it, work on it, or go out and look for it. ---------------------------------------------------------- "Keep giving her roses and telling her how much you love her; keep noticing every time she gets a hair cut and remind her how beautiful she really is; foreplay until she can't take take it anymore; listen to her a lot and respect her more than you respect yourself. That has done it for me in 27 years of marriage and now that I know her so much more than the day I married her, I love her even more." ----------------------------------------------------------
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 11, 2017 13:17:05 GMT -5
Good article
I liked the line "While we don't celebrate divorce we don't fear it either" Loved that line! It holds accountability. When people are married especially for a long time I think they take things for granted and each other for granted and in SM where people are celibate for years that is beyond taking someone for granted.
In the same way that people do the right thing, have a conscious, don't break laws because they are God fearing or believe in karma... I think married people should be divorce fearing to keep the marriage healthy.
I outsourced when I was no longer divorce fearing. I didn't care if I got caught or not. I think that refusers are not divorce fearing. In their mind they think they have us and they can have their cake and eat it too. As well we the refused enable this thought process because we do not threaten or give the fear of divorce we just accept it.
It's like disciplining a child. I respect everyone's views and everyone is entitled to their opinion but for me I do not see anything wrong with a child having a little fear of their parent and the consequences that they could dole out. When my children were young I spanked them. Today I just have to count to two because they don't want me to get to three. Am I going to spank them today - No, they are too old and that's disrespectful but I have other ways to make a teenager's life Hell, and really they love me for it because kids want structure and rules.
My point is "parent fearing", "karma fearing", "God Fearing", "divorce fearing" very healthy in a relationship but that's just my opinion.
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Post by baza on Jul 11, 2017 19:51:18 GMT -5
Short back story. I've been out since Oct 2009 and been in the relationship of my life with Ms enna since April 2010.
We agreed early on, that if this was not working out for either (or both) of us, that we would level with each other and wind it up. And that agreement still stands.
In that unfortunate event, I have a plan of what I would do under those awful circumstances, and Ms enna has one as well.
In many ways, that agreement, and rough respective plans about what we individually would then do, takes all the pressure off. There is no "fear" concerning this possibility arising, so we can continue with our respective individual and partnership activities without any fear of "what if it all goes guts up ?" We already *know* the rough answer to that question. So it is a big non-event.
Personally, I see this as a very good thing. I would be aghast if Ms enna was only staying in our deal because she thought she "had to", or because she thought she "owed me". And from my own perspective, I remain in our deal because I want to, because I choose to be there. And I'm madly in love with her.
Could it all go guts up ? Sure, in fact it is a lay down certainty that it will. Neither of us is immortal, and life can turn on a dime.
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Post by WindSister on Jul 12, 2017 12:47:58 GMT -5
I agree, Baz. I do not want someone to stay with me because "they have to." What a horrible reason.
I got re-married, but there's always an out. We got married for deeply personal reasons, not because we "had" to. It is about commitment for us, proclaiming that to the world and for him, he just really wanted us to share a last name (that means something to him and to me too).
So, because of the commitment to each other, (which can be made just as strongly without actually getting married) we fight with and for each other and we won't just "walk out at the first sign of trouble." BUT.... of course, there's always an out. Commitment doesn't mean I put up with crap. Same goes for him.
So, I definitely align with that thought behind, "Don't celebrate divorce but don't fear it either."
It's very easy to take someone you are with day in and day out for granted. It takes actual work to keep it alive and thriving on both parts. There is no room in a happy, thriving relationship for apathy, indifference, stonewalling, criticism, resentment, etc. There just isn't. You have to work the opposite, you have to care even when you "don't feel like caring." That's the truth. No, you don't "always feel like" listening to every story your spouse has to share. But you DO IT. You do it out of love and that builds a stronger connection between the two of you. As long as they reciprocate, it's a happy relationship worth fighting for. But when one shuts down, goodbye!!
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Post by WindSister on Jul 12, 2017 12:52:29 GMT -5
On this vein.... does anyone remember an article that was floating around about the correlation between how many times your partner rejects you (not even just sexually, but in all the ways they can throughout the days) and how happy your relationship is? Seems like a no-brainer but it was good. I might dig the WWW for it later.
When your partner comes home, are you available or looking at your phone, doing your hobby, watching tv, engulfed in the kids? If they start talking, do you stop what you are doing and look at them and listen?
That stuff takes actual conscious effort but it's so worth it. There are many ways we can shun our partners. It's about making sure they know they are a priority in our lives.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 14, 2017 7:39:40 GMT -5
No mention at all in the article about sexlessness. Are they trying to marginalize the idea that marriage is a asexual union? And this article is aimed at the 50+ crowd, where the proportion of sexless marriages explode.
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Post by lwoetin on Jul 14, 2017 19:23:21 GMT -5
No mention at all in the article about sexlessness. Are they trying to marginalize the idea that marriage is a asexual union? And this article is aimed at the 50+ crowd, where the proportion of sexless marriages explode. I kept reading in the comments section for mention of sexless marriage and I had to read pretty far down (I really do have a job) before I saw one person mentioned it as reason for divorce. Perhaps SM is a symptom of a bigger problem, or sex organ don't work if not used for 20yrs of marriage.
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Post by beachguy on Jul 14, 2017 19:41:31 GMT -5
No mention at all in the article about sexlessness. Are they trying to marginalize the idea that marriage is a asexual union? And this article is aimed at the 50+ crowd, where the proportion of sexless marriages explode. I kept reading in the comments section for mention of sexless marriage and I had to read pretty far down (I really do have a job) before I saw one person mentioned it as reason for divorce. Perhaps SM is a symptom of a bigger problem, or sex organ don't work if not used for 20yrs of marriage. Cynical me: she says: "he cheated on me" I want to ask: when's the last time you bothered to fuck him?
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Post by lwoetin on Jul 14, 2017 20:01:05 GMT -5
I kept reading in the comments section for mention of sexless marriage and I had to read pretty far down (I really do have a job) before I saw one person mentioned it as reason for divorce. Perhaps SM is a symptom of a bigger problem, or sex organ don't work if not used for 20yrs of marriage. Cynical me: she says: "he cheated on me" I want to ask: when's the last time you bothered to fuck him? probably the case with Arnold, but he was stupid. He should have used a condom with his maid. Wait, never mind, he was drunk. But he still didn't file for divorce, he'd get it elsewhere.
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Post by snowman12345 on Jul 16, 2017 5:25:34 GMT -5
I read somewhere (I think in a Robert Heinlein novel) that marriage should be a 5 year contract, with the option to renew at the end of 5 years. Of course, he also put forth the idea that children should literally be raised in a communal setting where each parent took a turn sitting with the kiddies. Thus freeing the rest of the parents to fulfill their obligations to society. I am pretty sure society is not ready for either idea.
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Post by twotimesone on Jul 24, 2017 15:20:55 GMT -5
I can imagine that this could probably happen. My parents stay in the marriage and got divorced until I was in my 20's. And I am intending to get away from my wife because my wife is at the point where she doesn't care about our marriage and cares more about the kids.
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