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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2017 8:49:06 GMT -5
A lot of the vibe of ILIASM seems oriented towards inevitable divorce, with outsourcing as a distant second place that often ends up resulting in divorce anyway.
Some of us, for many reasons, aren't interested in divorce. So what else is there?
Here's a list to start things off. I'm putting it in three general categories: Lowering your frustration, finding sexual alternatives, finding non-sexual alternatives.
Therapy - joint Therapy - individual Support groups like ILIASM A good friend or good friends that you can confide in Meetups
Outsourcing - with emotional attachment FWB Hookup websites Prostitutes Phone sex Cybersex Masturbation and fantasies Sex toys Porn
Throwing oneself into hobbies Or finding a new hobby Exercise, getting into shape Going back to school Starting a home business Changing daily routine Volunteering
What else?
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Post by eternaloptimism on Jun 18, 2017 9:25:02 GMT -5
All great ideas.
Coping though. How many of us truly want to go to our graves having "coped"?
Not me.
It can be helpful to get you to a milestone, if you feel absolutely it's the right thing to do.
I don't think coping is too healthy though. Xx
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 18, 2017 9:30:30 GMT -5
You forgot alcohol, and, in some states, weed. I suppose we can add meth and heroin to the list, too. They're all bad coping mechanisms, but, I am sure they are used.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jun 18, 2017 9:32:34 GMT -5
You forgot alcohol, and, in some states, weed. I suppose we can add meth and heroin to the list, too. They're all bad coping mechanisms, but, I am sure they are used. Heavy drinking for 25+ years. Coping, maybe, but i highly don't recommend it.
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 18, 2017 9:33:24 GMT -5
Hobbies is a big thing. I'm sure my extensive gun collection would be significantly smaller if I was not looking for something to distract me.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 18, 2017 9:40:16 GMT -5
The real question is:
Why are you sabotaging your happiness to remain in a space where you aren't happy?
Life coaching and therapy are my go-to strategies. You need to love yourself, figure out your values and do what is best for you. If you can't truly love who you are, you are destined to a life of surviving instead of enjoying life.
OF course we all have responsibilities. A child is a responsibility, A spouse is not. Your spouse is responsible for who they are.
Life is too short. Love who you are and do what is best for you while you still can!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2017 10:01:00 GMT -5
I don't want to turn this into a referendum on whether divorce is the best answer. There are lots of reasons why one may not want to divorce, or not want to divorce now. Some may be good reasons and some may be excuses. But they are all real to the person making that decision. So this thread, instead of disparaging that decision like so many other threads here end up doing, is meant to help the refused to find ways to do the best they can with the cards they are dealt but without changing the game.
I know I've only been active here a short time but it seems to me that ILIASM should be for support first, and advice only for those who ask. Yes, we all know divorce is an option and there is a wealth of very valuable information here for those who choose that option. But there is much less here to support those who are stuck and who for whatever reason - kids, social, religious, financial, emotional, whatever - aren't interested in that option. I want to try to change that and help those people a little bit. Because for those of us who don't believe we have that option, ILIASM just becomes another obstacle, not a place for honest support. And if it becomes nothing but a cheerleading site for divorce, it leave behind a lot of the people it was meant to help.
Those of us who feel we are stuck do have options. Suboptimal, perhaps, but options. And the healthy choices would help counteract the crushing feelings of rejection and worthlessness that we experience every day. Nothing can make up for losing such an important part of the relationship, but perhaps improving ourselves can put us in a better place to make further better choices, alone or together with our spouses.
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Post by northstarmom on Jun 18, 2017 10:07:09 GMT -5
Religion/spirituality Working Spa treatments Compulsive shopping Centering your life on kids or pets
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 18, 2017 10:14:26 GMT -5
My work week this week will be five double shifts and two normal shifts. I would have had far fewer hours if either my playdate had worked out or my wife expressed the slightest sexual interest in me, since we had the whole house to ourselves, child free.
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Post by merrygoround on Jun 18, 2017 10:14:38 GMT -5
Keeping busy busy busy doing absolutely anything and driving yourself into an exhausted heap.
Filling your every waking moment with fantasies of a life outside of the one you're living.
Seriously considering asking your doctor to put you on the strongest antidepressants they can so you are completely numb.
Hobbies, hobbies, hobbies - when you're not keeping yourself busy by cooking everything from scratch, not a piece of laundry unwashed or un-ironed, continually cleaning.
Putting every ounce of love and affection into kids and pets.
Barely having a quality conversation with friends and loved ones beyond small talk in case you break down and the facade cracks.
Continually helping out others with good deeds. Always making yourself available and saying yes.
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Post by Chatter Fox on Jun 18, 2017 10:17:35 GMT -5
I don't want to turn this into a referendum on whether divorce is the best answer. There are lots of reasons why one may not want to divorce, or not want to divorce now. Some may be good reasons and some may be excuses. But they are all real to the person making that decision. So this thread, instead of disparaging that decision like so many other threads here end up doing, is meant to help the refused to find ways to do the best they can with the cards they are dealt but without changing the game. I know I've only been active here a short time but it seems to me that ILIASM should be for support first, and advice only for those who ask. Yes, we all know divorce is an option and there is a wealth of very valuable information here for those who choose that option. But there is much less here to support those who are stuck and who for whatever reason - kids, social, religious, financial, emotional, whatever - aren't interested in that option. I want to try to change that and help those people a little bit. Because for those of us who don't believe we have that option, ILIASM just becomes another obstacle, not a place for honest support. And if it becomes nothing but a cheerleading site for divorce, it leave behind a lot of the people it was meant to help. Those of us who feel we are stuck do have options. Suboptimal, perhaps, but options. And the healthy choices would help counteract the crushing feelings of rejection and worthlessness that we experience every day. Nothing can make up for losing such an important part of the relationship, but perhaps improving ourselves can put us in a better place to make further better choices, alone or together with our spouses. Well said! I agree with what you have said. I will add though.. my opinion is that this version of iliasm, as opposed to the EP version, is much more positive and supportive and more balanced in regards to the stay vs leave advice. The EP version of the group seemed very much about divorce, to the point where new members almost seemed like fresh meat to particular members that were very much pro-divorce. I don't see that as much here. So, as much as I agree with you, I do want to point out that things seem much better now in regards to this stuff than they did before. BUT... it's important to say the sorts of things you just did to help keep things at a nice balance where people can see ALL the options and make informed choices and be supported regardless of which choice is made. For what it's worth too, I've been on marriage sites that are way too far to the other extreme, where the general attitude is one of becoming a martyr and treating divorce as a crime against humanity. That's no good either. ...and hopefully you didn't take that the wrong way, I'm not insinuating that your words could push things that direction. That's not at all what I mean. It's just an observation about other sites is all. Anyway, I don't mean to hijack. Hopefully this stays on topic. Speaking if stating on topic, my coping strategies have included... - focusing on the kids - reading stories online of people that have much worse marital situations - meditation / mindfulness / staying in the present and not thinking of the future or past - counting my blessings (went as far as making a long list that I read every morning) - affirmations - self help books I probably have many more but that's all that comes to mind right now
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Post by merrygoround on Jun 18, 2017 10:22:14 GMT -5
And I apologise - I may have sounded flippant in my post on some of my coping mechanisms. But they're all true. And some of the saner ones.
I love to hear a good story where things are being turned around. Hey, I'll be your biggest cheerleader. I'm not pro-divorce, I was one of those "when I marry, it's for life" brigade. I still love the whole idea of marriage - it hasn't put me off one bit in that regard. Just mine didn't work out.
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Post by Venus Erotes on Jun 18, 2017 10:51:29 GMT -5
And I apologise - I may have sounded flippant in my post on some of my coping mechanisms. But they're all true. And some of the saner ones. You have NOTHING to apologize for merrygoround! There is NOTHING flippant in your post. It's your go-to list! XOXO!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2017 10:55:19 GMT -5
Speaking if stating on topic, my coping strategies have included... - focusing on the kids - reading stories online of people that have much worse marital situations - meditation / mindfulness / staying in the present and not thinking of the future or past - counting my blessings (went as far as making a long list that I read every morning) - affirmations - self help books I probably have many more but that's all that comes to mind right now These are excellent, thanks.
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Post by lyn on Jun 18, 2017 11:10:45 GMT -5
Some of the strategies I employed during the "staying because..." phase:
*VERY involved in kid's lives activities (both off in college now though - being adults - still involved but now from a distance of course) - so this strategy for me, no longer works really
*extreme amounts of physical activity in order to feel exhausted / depleted by bedtime. Physical exhaustion pairs wonderfully with situational depression when it's time to hit-the-sack ALONE
*charitable giving - run a small charity that occupies many hours each week- also helps to keep *life* in perspective - helps keep my faith in humanity in tact. In or out of the sm, probably helps with *coping* the most.(mebbe not sure)
*near obsessive about nutrition - for peak health and performance (performance?). Try to keep it moving with or without the shackles of the sm trying to keep things stagnant.
*retail therapy - self explanatory
*constant "research-mode" - if you throw yourself into learning everything about *whatever*, one can almost forget what one's own life is actually like.
*of course - THC filled chocolate makes everything better.
These are the strategies I've employed during the past 6/7 years. Prior to that, 12-16 hour work days thrown into the mix kept me "distracted" quite well.
I've had my own concocted list of reasons for staying. Goal posts of my own. Each one has been checked-off at this point.
Sometimes one does NEED to stay in the trenches (i.e. The sm) for whatever reason. It seems to be human nature (at least for the many many kind, empathetic members here) to try to help one realize that life could be better - potentially - if leaving seems to be the *best* viable option.
Not necessarily Pro-Divorce by any means, just Pro-Happiness - pro-evolution of self.
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