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Post by bballgirl on Jun 1, 2017 14:48:49 GMT -5
Everything comes at a price. I lived in a big house in a beautiful neighborhood. Now I'm in a townhouse but I'm happier for what I wanted for myself. Only you know what you want.
There are plenty of people that stay married to keep a lifestyle too because that lifestyle makes them happy and that's important for you to figure out for yourself. What will make you happy? What will bring peace for you? Acceptance is key.
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Post by lwoetin on Jun 1, 2017 15:18:15 GMT -5
There's a craZy person here, awakeforthedance. Anyway she posted a thread called, love is not enough. In it is a link of a piece with that title. It might be helpful for you to read (to the end). Love doesn't have to apply to a person only, but love for something that is not enough in life.
(Oh I forgot to mention, awake seems to have found what is enough in life, so her other stories are good too.)
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Post by WindSister on Jun 1, 2017 15:57:07 GMT -5
There's a craZy person here, awakeforthedance. Anyway she posted a thread called, love is not enough. In it is a link of a piece with that title. It might be helpful for you to read (to the end). Love doesn't have to apply to a person only, but love for something that is not enough in life. (Oh I forgot to mention, awake seems to have found what is enough in life, so her other stories are good too.) 😜🙃😜🙃 I embrace my inner crazy. Anyway, bball said it. I agree with her. If it becomes worse to stay than go, you will go. Sorry you feel lost right now, I know that's not a fun place to be in life. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 1, 2017 16:11:01 GMT -5
You have in your possession a long history of lies and deception followed by "gas lighting" if the lies are recalled at a later time. I'm surprised you are worrying "IF" he is hiding something from you. I don't think there is any doubt about his hiding a great deal from you. That's what lies are. Hiding the truth or the reality of the situation. The real question is "just how much is he hiding from you"?
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Post by lwoetin on Jun 1, 2017 19:02:10 GMT -5
Ok- where did my story go too? It looks like it vanish?? an anyone else see my original post? I didn't save it  My marriage story is very lengthy to share from the beginning, and quite frankly, I'm not sure I could even 'type' it to make any sense. I'm not an elegant writer and it would clearly get lost in translation. So, I will share my 'heartache' at this moment. I don't talk to anyone, so sharing it here may help me. My husband has looked me in my eyes and lied to me many times over our marriage. Most recent 2 days ago. It ranges from a minor situation to a big situation. I know him well now. He picks and chooses what he shares about a situation. He is notorious at leaving out vital points, that any normal person would share. Best way to describe him is he is a pro at being deceptive. I now wonder if this is in his DNA? When I call him on it and end up showing him proof That i know the truth, he will confess and say he's sorry- with really no remorse. If it's brought up later he will get angry and is determined to turn everything around on me. He is a pro at this. It's been a cycle in our marriage. I'm so tired of worrying or wondering if he is hiding anything from me. I sat here questioning myself. I've allowed him to disrespect me, I've allowed him to lie to me with no consequences. He knows he holds the power in the relationship. Many of you know he provides an extraordinary amazing life to me. How can someone walk away from a life like this? As you all see..... I'm struggling and feel so lost. |
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Post by baza on Jun 1, 2017 20:49:17 GMT -5
Sister @lexus
You are under no obligation what so ever to "walk away" from this "extra-ordinary amazing life" he is apparently providing you with.
None.
Staying because he provides you an extra-ordinary amazing life is a perfectly valid choice.
Indeed I think that had my ILIASM deal been providing me with an "extra-ordinary amazing life" then I'd still be in it (albeit widowed for a couple of years now)
The read I get out of your stories is however that this suppossedly "extra-ordinary and amazing life he is providing" needs to be put under the microscope and critically examined.
Basic logic suggests to me that *if* he was providing you with an extra-ordinary and amazing life then you'd be pretty happy (albeit having to cop his habitual lying).
And you sure as shit don't appear to be very happy.
Which brings us back to the question of just how exra-ordinary, just how amazing, things truly are.
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Post by jim44444 on Jun 1, 2017 20:52:53 GMT -5
Ok- where did my story go too? It looks like it vanish?? Can anyone else see my original post? I didn't save it My marriage story is very lengthy to share from the beginning, and quite frankly, I'm not sure I could even 'type' it to make any sense. I'm not an elegant writer and it would clearly get lost in translation. So, I will share my 'heartache' at this moment. I don't talk to anyone, so sharing it here may help me. My husband has looked me in my eyes and lied to me many times over our marriage. Most recent 2 days ago. It ranges from a minor situation to a big situation. I know him well now. He picks and chooses what he shares about a situation. He is notorious at leaving out vital points, that any normal person would share. Best way to describe him is he is a pro at being deceptive. I now wonder if this is in his DNA? When I call him on it and end up showing him proof That i know the truth, he will confess and say he's sorry- with really no remorse. If it's brought up later he will get angry and is determined to turn everything around on me. He is a pro at this. It's been a cycle in our marriage. I'm so tired of worrying or wondering if he is hiding anything from me. I sat here questioning myself. I've allowed him to disrespect me, I've allowed him to lie to me with no consequences. He knows he holds the power in the relationship. Many of you know he provides an extraordinary amazing life to me. How can someone walk away from a life like this? As you all see..... I'm struggling and feel so lost. I am assuming that this is the missing post from LEXUS46 . I remember your posts from EP and you were struggling with this problem then. Lifestyle is part of the relationship. Trust and honesty is part of the relationship. Sex is part of the relationship. Respect is part of the relationship. We can probably continue all evening list parts of the relationship. But how many must be there to make the relationship "good"? How many or which ones if missing make the relationship "bad"? The answer is unique to each individual. There is no correct formula, no one size fits all. If an amazing life style is important then that is a valid choice for you. It would be great if he was honest with you but he is not and if that is not a deal breaker then you can enjoy the amazing life and forgive him his flaws. |
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Post by lwoetin on Jun 2, 2017 2:18:04 GMT -5
Sister @lexus You are under no obligation what so ever to "walk away" from this "extra-ordinary amazing life" he is apparently providing you with. None. Staying because he provides you an extra-ordinary amazing life is a perfectly valid choice. Indeed I think that had my ILIASM deal been providing me with an "extra-ordinary amazing life" then I'd still be in it (albeit widowed for a couple of years now) The read I get out of your stories is however that this suppossedly "extra-ordinary and amazing life he is providing" needs to be put under the microscope and critically examined. Basic logic suggests to me that *if* he was providing you with an extra-ordinary and amazing life then you'd be pretty happy (albeit having to cop his habitual lying). And you sure as shit don't appear to be very happy. Which brings us back to the question of just how exra-ordinary, just how amazing, things truly are. In ways it's very humbling for me to share truth and hear what I know in my heart. Something I keep ignoring. Life priorities are shifting. My soul isn't at peace and taking back my power is what I need to do. he may hold the power to the relationship. But in the game rock, paper, scissors, shoe...the rock isn't always the most powerful. You can definitely take back your power and grow your strength using the gifts you have. |
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Post by lwoetin on Jun 2, 2017 2:32:55 GMT -5
There's a craZy person here, awakeforthedance. Anyway she posted a thread called, love is not enough. In it is a link of a piece with that title. It might be helpful for you to read (to the end). Love doesn't have to apply to a person only, but love for something that is not enough in life. (Oh I forgot to mention, awake seems to have found what is enough in life, so her other stories are good too.) 😜🙃😜🙃 I embrace my inner crazy. Anyway, bball said it. I agree with her. If it becomes worse to stay than go, you will go. Sorry you feel lost right now, I know that's not a fun place to be in life. crazy in a good way!!! I only like a couple of Madonna songs, but 'Crazy For You' crazy. 😍 |
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Post by WindSister on Jun 2, 2017 7:27:29 GMT -5
LEXUS46 -- Being at peace in your soul is a very important part of life, always. It sounds like you see a connection to Baz's words so that says a lot. I know I tried to just think positively in my marriage with my ex, but that only took me so far. Eventually I had to actually make those major changes to my environment (divorce, move on) to TRULY get that peace within. lwoetin - Flattered, but really, most of what comes out on the keyboard from me originated from someone else who helped me along the way. Changewilldoyougood (I miss!!!) really helped me post-divorce and I find myself saying her words a lot. I got more from her than years in therapy could have provided, I am sure of it.
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Post by Admin on Jun 2, 2017 12:03:11 GMT -5
Ok- where did my story go too? It looks like it vanish?? Can anyone else see my original post? I didn't save it : I checked the logs, and it does look like you deleted your own post. The bad news is: I have no way to recover deleted posts or the pre-modified versions of edited posts. The good news is: miraculously lwoetin seemed to have a copy. I've edited his "repost of your original post" to make it clear that it was your content, however, I can't "create" a post "as if it was you", nor can I backdate it to move it to the top of the thread. |
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Post by JonDoe on Jun 2, 2017 20:46:49 GMT -5
LEXUS46 I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling and lost. I've been there too. We share a lot in common. My STBX either purposefully withheld details or provided alternative facts frequently; however, I became quite skilled at observing her tells and being observant in general. Even when I presented her with first hand knowledge of the truth, she tried to deny it and when she had no wiggle room left, she would turn the tables and do her best to make it my fault. When I shared my emotions with her, she would make the conversation about her. After all these years, I finally had enough and am now moving on. I do so with a hint of introduction, but hopeful for the future. I genuinely wish you the best!
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Post by solodriver on Jun 5, 2017 20:09:48 GMT -5
You have in your possession a long history of lies and deception followed by "gas lighting" if the lies are recalled at a later time. I'm surprised you are worrying "IF" he is hiding something from you. I don't think there is any doubt about his hiding a great deal from you. That's what lies are. Hiding the truth or the reality of the situation. The real question is "just how much is he hiding from you"? You are absolutely right. He has continually practiced this behavior and gets caught years down the road.... and I stay. The key issue is why I'm staying. He doesn't deserve me. Truthfully dear friend, NONE of our refusers deserve us! |
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Post by baza on Jun 5, 2017 20:54:21 GMT -5
Just above here, you again raise the question "why (you) are staying".
The previous position you have taken is that you stay for "the amazing and wonderful lifestyle he provides". Which seems a completely valid reason to me.
Being in an ILIASM shithole whilst cruising the Aegean sea and visiting other exotic locations sure sounds more appealing than being in an ILIASM shithole in a bed-sit wondering how you'll make next months rent.
But *if* on reflection, this is NOT the "why", it would seem imperative that you unearth what the "why" is.
It is going to be extra-ordinarily difficult to move away from what you don't want unless you have a really good handle on what you DO want, and a solid plan to get there.
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Post by TMD on Jun 5, 2017 21:42:30 GMT -5
It is going to be extra-ordinarily difficult to move away from what you don't want unless you have a really good handle on what you DO want, and a solid plan to get there. What Baza said. I had a therapy session in which I was asked to visualize how my "perfect" life looked. It was liberating. A turning point. Even though it took another 4ish years to get to the point of leaving. You talk about your soul. I hope you find a way to peace, to wellness (I am reminded of the hymn, "It is Well with my Soul"). Be kind to yourself, nourish your soul. |
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