If it's not "Hell YES" then it's a no
May 30, 2017 9:17:07 GMT -5
JMX, unmatched, and 14 more like this
Post by GeekGoddess on May 30, 2017 9:17:07 GMT -5
Post-SM dating update -
I have been on Tinder and added OK Cupid lately too. I have messaged a few men and I've been on a few dates with one who showed some good potential. He is an Army veteran who disclosed a potential dealbreaker on the first coffee meet. He has PTSD, sees a Psychiatrist at the VA for that (weekly), takes meds. Okay - so long as you are seeking the correct treatment(s), I can live with the fact that we all have "stuff" from having a life (he's 51, I'm 48). He wasn't put off by my alcoholism - pretty much for the same reason that I seek my treatment daily (very involved in my 12-step group and I just got my 18 months sobriety coin last weekend).
However - more "drawbacks" showed each week we met for coffee. I don't need to detail what they are, exactly, but none of them by themselves were a deal-breaker and YET....it was going from a "hell maybe" to a "I'm not so sure" each time we got together. He's a good kisser, though, and we had some fun making out so far. He said he didn't want to have sex until we were pretty sure we would want to become an item, have a real/committed relationship. I am cool with that, as we both can't probably stomach another round of pain & emotional torment at this time. All good.
This last Sunday, as he brought up pursuing the growth of the relationship (he was quite verbal about "where we were heading" - this wasn't an unusual thing that he brought it up) - I had gotten myself ready over the last few days and said "Well about that"
And so we moved to a different bench further from other customers on the patio seating and I told him about the post here (thank the universe for this forum!) that had described that if something isn't a HELL YES then it really is a NO. And told him that it isn't that this, us, "we" - it's not that this is a Hell No - but it doesn't feel like a HELL YES to me either.
We both are in the position where we feel ready for the next romantic relationship. We both WANT one. But this is not the one.
He agreed that we both have similar backgrounds, many of our own issues to continue working on, and admitted that he was somewhat "forcing" it too. It was a good talk and I was proud of myself for speaking up rather than letting it continue to develop on shaky grounds.
We remain friends and I think we are both helpful in each other's lives. By remaining friends, he pointed out that either of us may provide the connection to a friend of great promise - and even if not, everybody can use a good friend. He said he thought we were therapeutic for each other. I thought that was very accurate. We met "for some reason" I think and I may be able to be helpful to his son (23 or so - they were conducting an intervention last night and the son has agreed to go to rehab) and plus - we didn't get very invested emotionally but each sort of got a "practice run" at successful dates that simply didn't lead to anything more than that.
This is what growth feels like - not so much growth that it hurt me, but this was growth.
I have been on Tinder and added OK Cupid lately too. I have messaged a few men and I've been on a few dates with one who showed some good potential. He is an Army veteran who disclosed a potential dealbreaker on the first coffee meet. He has PTSD, sees a Psychiatrist at the VA for that (weekly), takes meds. Okay - so long as you are seeking the correct treatment(s), I can live with the fact that we all have "stuff" from having a life (he's 51, I'm 48). He wasn't put off by my alcoholism - pretty much for the same reason that I seek my treatment daily (very involved in my 12-step group and I just got my 18 months sobriety coin last weekend).
However - more "drawbacks" showed each week we met for coffee. I don't need to detail what they are, exactly, but none of them by themselves were a deal-breaker and YET....it was going from a "hell maybe" to a "I'm not so sure" each time we got together. He's a good kisser, though, and we had some fun making out so far. He said he didn't want to have sex until we were pretty sure we would want to become an item, have a real/committed relationship. I am cool with that, as we both can't probably stomach another round of pain & emotional torment at this time. All good.
This last Sunday, as he brought up pursuing the growth of the relationship (he was quite verbal about "where we were heading" - this wasn't an unusual thing that he brought it up) - I had gotten myself ready over the last few days and said "Well about that"
And so we moved to a different bench further from other customers on the patio seating and I told him about the post here (thank the universe for this forum!) that had described that if something isn't a HELL YES then it really is a NO. And told him that it isn't that this, us, "we" - it's not that this is a Hell No - but it doesn't feel like a HELL YES to me either.
We both are in the position where we feel ready for the next romantic relationship. We both WANT one. But this is not the one.
He agreed that we both have similar backgrounds, many of our own issues to continue working on, and admitted that he was somewhat "forcing" it too. It was a good talk and I was proud of myself for speaking up rather than letting it continue to develop on shaky grounds.
We remain friends and I think we are both helpful in each other's lives. By remaining friends, he pointed out that either of us may provide the connection to a friend of great promise - and even if not, everybody can use a good friend. He said he thought we were therapeutic for each other. I thought that was very accurate. We met "for some reason" I think and I may be able to be helpful to his son (23 or so - they were conducting an intervention last night and the son has agreed to go to rehab) and plus - we didn't get very invested emotionally but each sort of got a "practice run" at successful dates that simply didn't lead to anything more than that.
This is what growth feels like - not so much growth that it hurt me, but this was growth.
It's what my husband does too (on his own, naturally, not as a suggestion from me), so that's why we are a great match. I don't have to deal with him being friends with former lovers and vice versa -- that would drive me insane. But, that's the thing -- know yourself and don't settle for what doesn't match up with you. That's what you are doing, awesome!!! 