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Post by DryCreek on May 3, 2016 19:42:36 GMT -5
remember little of this is your fault ( for others reading this too) it is one of the hardest, and richest things you ever do. Look for freedom in ways that will reveal that YOUR HEART IS GOOD! And your heart matters . DEEPLY. Caring for your own heart isn't selfish; it's how we begin to love. Yes, we care for our hearts for the sake of others. Does that sound like a contradiction? Not at all. What will you bring to others if your heart is empty, dried up,pinned down? Love is the point. And you can't love without your heart, and you can't love well unless your heart is well. How you handle your own heart is how you handle others! We should pin this on the front page somewhere! Awesome. Excellent point! "Put on your oxygen mask first, then help others with their oxygen masks." Similar message for disaster aid work. Foremost, you must be self-sufficient and take care of your own well-being. If not, you can't help others; you become a liability instead of an asset. |
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Post by ggold on May 4, 2016 12:41:24 GMT -5
My mom, sister and brother all know about my situation.
My mother and father separated after 35 years of marriage. They lacked communication, intimacy, and connection in their relationship. My father found companionship outside the marriage and that's when they separated. My father passed away, but when he was very ill my mother cared for him. I think they had a mini-reconciliation before he died. My mother still blames the bad marriage on my father when I know she contributed to it at well due to her own issues. So, my mom's advice to me is that I am basically stuck in my SM situation because I have young children. I guess she wants me to be as miserable as she was. I can't talk to her about it anymore because she is not supportive of me leaving my marriage and this is the path I need to take.
My sister is in the process of divorcing her abusive husband. It's taken her about 17 years to get to this place. So, although she can relate in terms of me not being happy, she feels that because my husband is not abusive or sociopathic (as hers is) that my life is not so bad. Yes, I married a good man. He cooks, cleans, has a great work-ethic, is a good father, provides for us financially, etc. These are all wonderful qualities, however, he does not provide me with the foundation of love, communication and intimacy that I want in my marriage. I will still talk to my sister about what is going on, but she has her own major issues to deal with and needs to focus on herself and her family.
My brother has been my biggest support. He's in his early forties and has a good marriage. (I set them up!) I am able to open up to him because he understands the natural, human need to want sex and intimacy. He cares for my husband very much and has known him since he was like 19! I know, though, that my brother will be there for me 100% with my decision to end my marriage.
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Post by darktippedrose on May 5, 2016 18:24:41 GMT -5
doesn't sound like a good therapist to me. Yeah, I have been thinking of ditching her for a while now. I stick with her though because part of my overall self improvement goals is to learn to deal with conflict and to be more confident in myself. She challenges me in those ways since we don't see eye to eye on some things. It's good for me to use instances such as that to practice my ability to handle conflicts with someone in a calm and productive manner. Plus, she does have her strong points. Still, I'd love to go to a new one to get a new perspective on my marital issues. I may move onto another therapist some day in the near future. I'm not sure yet. I would highly suggest a new one. Any therapist that de-emphasizes your problems is not a good therapist. imho. Your problems are valid and they're just making it worse. Thats like electing a refuser as a therapist. ughhh |
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Post by darktippedrose on May 5, 2016 18:30:13 GMT -5
My family does make my decision making process more difficult. For me, my family (at least the ones I share this with) give her the benefit of the doubt. We are a happy couple on the outside. Even my therapist urges me to simply be positive. She says things like "your sex life is only one part of your relationship". For many people , FAMILY IS LIKE KRYPTONITE! It seems that no matter how much we've grown, how long we've been away, how far we've traveled in our own journeys, when we go back to family, we are suddenly children again! All the old dynamics, the patterns, the messages- they're all back trying to pull us down. (look at David and Goliath and how his cowardly brothers mocked him, made fun of his size, threw him in a pit! Ah..family!) how many an artist has been crushed by a family that prefers a " rational" approach to life? How many an engineer dismissed by a family of musicians? How many of us are lost in life simply because no one in our world saw our glory and affirmed it! remember little of this is your fault ( for others reading this too) it is one of the hardest, and richest things you ever do. Look for freedom in ways that will reveal that YOUR HEART IS GOOD! And your heart matters . DEEPLY. Caring for your own heart isn't selfish; it's how we begin to love. Yes, we care for our hearts for the sake of others. Does that sound like a contradiction? Not at all. What will you bring to others if your heart is empty, dried up,pinned down? Love is the point. And you can't love without your heart, and you can't love well unless your heart is well. How you handle your own heart is how you handle others! the biggest thing for me that gives me pleasure and freedom is dancing. I study Middle-Eastern dancing at home. And it gives me joy like no other. |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 5, 2016 18:37:47 GMT -5
I'm glad for you,you have found an outlet for your joy! I took a year of dance lessons, in my early twenties. It is a lot of fun! (I met my wife at a dance, she was a wall flower, I invited her onto the floor) we never go because of her always being tired, kids, dancing at bars, the kind of music, etc....do you get to meet men who enjoy it as well? Something to think about for the future!
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Post by Chatter Fox on May 5, 2016 18:48:36 GMT -5
Yeah, I have been thinking of ditching her for a while now. I stick with her though because part of my overall self improvement goals is to learn to deal with conflict and to be more confident in myself. She challenges me in those ways since we don't see eye to eye on some things. It's good for me to use instances such as that to practice my ability to handle conflicts with someone in a calm and productive manner. Plus, she does have her strong points. Still, I'd love to go to a new one to get a new perspective on my marital issues. I may move onto another therapist some day in the near future. I'm not sure yet. I would highly suggest a new one. Any therapist that de-emphasizes your problems is not a good therapist. imho. Your problems are valid and they're just making it worse. Thats like electing a refuser as a therapist. ughhh Thanks for that.  I agree. |
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Post by darktippedrose on May 6, 2016 1:25:58 GMT -5
For many people , FAMILY IS LIKE KRYPTONITE! It seems that no matter how much we've grown, how long we've been away, how far we've traveled in our own journeys, when we go back to family, we are suddenly children again! All the old dynamics, the patterns, the messages- they're all back trying to pull us down. (look at David and Goliath and how his cowardly brothers mocked him, made fun of his size, threw him in a pit! Ah..family!) how many an artist has been crushed by a family that prefers a " rational" approach to life? How many an engineer dismissed by a family of musicians? How many of us are lost in life simply because no one in our world saw our glory and affirmed it! remember little of this is your fault ( for others reading this too) it is one of the hardest, and richest things you ever do. Look for freedom in ways that will reveal that YOUR HEART IS GOOD! And your heart matters . DEEPLY. Caring for your own heart isn't selfish; it's how we begin to love. Yes, we care for our hearts for the sake of others. Does that sound like a contradiction? Not at all. What will you bring to others if your heart is empty, dried up,pinned down? Love is the point. And you can't love without your heart, and you can't love well unless your heart is well. How you handle your own heart is how you handle others! the biggest thing for me that gives me pleasure and freedom is dancing. I study Middle-Eastern dancing at home. And it gives me joy like no other. my husband gets passive aggressive when I go to dance class or workshops. so I study at home with dvds mostly |
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Post by petrushka on May 7, 2016 9:07:42 GMT -5
Well Rose, I have thought much like your family for a long time. I think they are really trying to look out
for you, although I can see how they intrude on your comfort zone since you don't want to hear it.
Consider this alternative: you go to them and try to talk, and they, instead of trying to help you out, tell
you that you are a sinful slut for talking bad bout your husband and that you should be obedient and not keep
kicking sand in the poor guys face.
How would that sit with you?
You're lucky you can talk to them at all. I could never talk to my family since I was about 12. Everything
and anything about my thoughts and feelings and friends I would reveal would be taken out of context, warped
and twisted to make everybody appear in the worst light, assumptions were made (nasty assumptions, never
good ones) about everybody's motivation and goals, and then it would be shoved back in my face.
It makes me wistful when I see people who can have a sensible conversation with their parents, never mind get
some well meaning support. You're lucky.
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Post by darktippedrose on May 9, 2016 16:22:49 GMT -5
Well Rose, I have thought much like your family for a long time. I think they are really trying to look out for you, although I can see how they intrude on your comfort zone since you don't want to hear it. Consider this alternative: you go to them and try to talk, and they, instead of trying to help you out, tell you that you are a sinful slut for talking bad bout your husband and that you should be obedient and not keep kicking sand in the poor guys face. How would that sit with you? You're lucky you can talk to them at all. I could never talk to my family since I was about 12. Everything and anything about my thoughts and feelings and friends I would reveal would be taken out of context, warped and twisted to make everybody appear in the worst light, assumptions were made (nasty assumptions, never good ones) about everybody's motivation and goals, and then it would be shoved back in my face. It makes me wistful when I see people who can have a sensible conversation with their parents, never mind get some well meaning support. You're lucky. my husbansd's conservative friends are like the alternative opinion. or close enough anyways. Most people of my religion who are more modern and moderate are more lenient towards the women. some of their opinions are overwhelming sometimes but thankfully some of the older ones understand that this great task isn't gonna be done over night. so I'm glad that the older ones have a bit more understanding of this. |
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I agree. 
