Family makes it worse?

Rose, I know they make you feel worse, but they are on your side. They just want you out of an abusive, nasty relationship. I know some of us have said this before, and I don't want to keep labouring the point because I want you to feel supported here and able to come and say whatever you want. But please please find yourself a women's shelter or a citizen's advice office or something and get yourself some really good advice. There has to be a way you can make this work on your own, and there has to be help you can get with your kids given their conditions. You really need to get out of there, and you absolutely do not need to wait for him to die first.

If you are feeling lectured at right now, please say so and I will stop.

My family does make my decision making process more difficult. For me, my family (at least the ones I share this with) give her the benefit of the doubt. We are a happy couple on the outside. So many try to help me see the positive and they try to urge me to stay and cope somehow for the sake of the kids.

So, my experience is kind of the opposite problem as yours. I want to leave and I kind of turn to family to almost get validated for my choice. Instead of getting the support I hope for, I get reasons to stay and tough it out.

I get where they are coming from, but many don't understand that I've tried giving her the benefit of the doubt and staying and coping. I've done that for 10 years. I'm simply not able to continue to do that and still be truly happy.

Even my therapist urges me to simply be positive. She says things like "your sex life is only one part of your relationship". My counter to that is "my right leg is just one part of my body... if someone went 10 years on crutches with a broken leg that only their partner could fix, wouldn't they eventually have trouble with continuing to focus on their healthy limbs as they hobble around day after day?".

Anyway, point is that I can relate. Even though our situations are kind of opposite of each other, the end result is the same, reaching out for support has only made things worse. So I totally know what you're going through.

I would be tempted to tell you the exact same advice that your family has told you, you should be happy and have someone that loves you and cares for you.  At least you know that your family loves you very much since they want the best for you. 

My family likes my wife, so if I was to leave I would be the bad person no matter what so venting to them is useless.  This place and one friend is all I have to vent my frustration and I am sure my one friend is probably getting tired of me by now. 

I really only told my sister what was happening with me, and it took me over a decade to even tell her. I was so humiliated by what was happening to me that I couldn't tell anyone. The only person that knew was my therapist. When I did finally tell family, they were supportive but had a hard time believing me - they all really like my STBX and thought he was a great guy. They were all sure it would work out in time. Except my sister, she was 100% on my side - it's just that she had no experience with what I was going through so she wasn't really helpful, but at least she was supportive. I think they were all trying to be supportive in their own way - they didn't want to see me leave what they saw as this great person and end up struggling as a single mom with two young children. The problem with that attitude is that it kept me thinking that I should just be grateful for what I did have and not complain about the things that were missing. Until I found this group last summer, I never had any real support from people who actually understood my situation.

I do think your family is trying to be supportive. They want you to be safe and happy. I know your situation is complicated and that it isn't as easy as just packing up and leaving, but I'm sure they are worried that things may get even worse for you. I'm so glad you have a supportive counselor now and I hope you can start working on an exit plan that will get you out of there as soon as possible.

Here's the thing:  With most medicine, the "right amount" is helpful... but too much of it is harmful.

This is EXACTLY what I think of the advice: "just focus on the good stuff".  In small doses, it helps us get through a day, overlook a minor problem with a spouse or a kid.  It is a good technique to getting through life.  I think it generally keeps us more positive, and keeps us happier.

HOWEVER... if over-applied, it may prevent you from acknowledging a problem such as prolonged marital sexlessness, or signs of a child's substance abuse.  That is when that advice -- that "medicine" -- becomes harmful.  Eventually it becomes a sort of tool to suppress your "true self" and your true feelings.  For example, in a sexless marriage, it becomes an unhealthy conclusion "I don't really need/deserve a normal, healthy, adult sex life -- because after all, other than the sex, he's a 'good man'/she's a 'good woman'."

This is so obvious... but WHY OH WHY is it so hard to "see" when we are in the middle of it?  And why is it that good-hearted people (like so many of us stuck in a the sexless marriage) are so prone to this?

I cannot tell anyone in my family anything. Apparently, my sister like my W more then me. I won't tell my sister the time.
It makes it very lonely when your family cannot listen.

My ex found an excuse to visit my sister every weekend for about a three month period following my divorce. During her visits, she regaled my sister with tales of my indiscretions and other moral failings. That was 18 years ago. My sister still won't talk to me.

Part of the reason I stay is that I remember the emotional shrapnel I went through during my divorce, and I do NOT want to go through that again.