Different Philosophies of Parenting Post Divorce
May 15, 2017 11:17:57 GMT -5
greatcoastal, iceman, and 2 more like this
Post by shamwow on May 15, 2017 11:17:57 GMT -5
So my divorce is proceeding apace. At this point, it is more amicable than I even optimistically thought it would be. A mixture of my wife being basically a good person, carrots, and sticks have kept the peace.
When I decided divorce was the best option for my situation, there were a number of reasons why. Obviously sexless for years on end was huge, but other less tangible factors were also at play. One of those factors was differing parenting styles. My daughter is 16 years old, and my son is 13. At this age, they are past the "need to wipe their ass" stage, and in my opinion, the focus of parenting needs to be giving them increasing amounts of rope. They will make mistakes, and from those mistakes. But hopefully those mistakes will have minimal consequences with us being in the loop and providing guidance (not control).
One example is driving. Last summer, my daughter got her learner's permit. Within a month, I had her driving half the trip from Houston to the Grand Canyon. By the time she actually got her license, she and I had racked up over 3,000 miles across 6 states. I have a good deal of confidence in her driving abilities, but since my wife did not participate in that process, she does not. It is like pulling teeth to get my wife to allow my daughter to take the car out and even go to the store by herself. Granted, my wife is getting better about it, but only at my insistence.
Another example is household chores. My wife does not insist on either child doing any kind of chores. In my opinion, this does them no favors. Not only do they not know how to take care of themselves, but they are not developing the work ethic and "hustle" they will need for life in the real world. Yesterday, I gave my son a task to do in getting the house ready. He started working on it, decided it was pointless, complained to Mom, she agreed it was pointless, and that was pretty much that. What my wife doesn't realize is that in the real world, many (most?) of the tasks our "bosses" assign us really are pointless bullshit. But the answer is not to cry about it to mom, but to realize that's why they call it "work", suck it up, and do it. If the job sucks too much, you can always look for another.
So going forward, I will have the kids in what is called Expanded Standard Visitation. Basically, every other week I will have them Thursday after school until Monday getting to school. On "her" weeks, I will also have them those Thursday nights and get them to school Friday morning. It essentially means I will have the kids about 1/3 of the time. It wasn't what I wanted (I wanted one week on / one week off), but she said she would fight me tooth and nail over that and I decided not to use the kids as a "prize" to be "won". It kept the peace.
However, I will ensure that the time I have the kids is quality time. We are going to have a hell of a lot of fun. For example, yesterday on the way to my Mom's, we "rescued" a turtle in the middle of the road. We drove it to a nearby lake and "set it free". We do goofy stuff like that all the time. However, it isn't just about the fun stuff that defines quality. My kids will know how to cook for themselves, clean up after themselves, do their own laundry, go to the store by themselves and countless other things that are needed to be an adult in modern society. Yes, I can do these things for them, but they are now at an age where me doing so does more harm than help. And yes, their time with me will not just be a series of chores. We will also have a lot of fun! But in my opinion, we must have both.
I have no expectation that these experiences will be present for the 2/3 of the time they will be at mom's. She want's to be "super mom" and do all these things for them. Granted, working full time, she may discover the virtue in letting them help out, but I doubt it. She just has a very different philosophy of parenting (helicopter mom). However, I will ensure that our kids have been taught how to survive once out there "in the wild".
Has anyone else faced similar issues? Any advice / warnings?
When I decided divorce was the best option for my situation, there were a number of reasons why. Obviously sexless for years on end was huge, but other less tangible factors were also at play. One of those factors was differing parenting styles. My daughter is 16 years old, and my son is 13. At this age, they are past the "need to wipe their ass" stage, and in my opinion, the focus of parenting needs to be giving them increasing amounts of rope. They will make mistakes, and from those mistakes. But hopefully those mistakes will have minimal consequences with us being in the loop and providing guidance (not control).
One example is driving. Last summer, my daughter got her learner's permit. Within a month, I had her driving half the trip from Houston to the Grand Canyon. By the time she actually got her license, she and I had racked up over 3,000 miles across 6 states. I have a good deal of confidence in her driving abilities, but since my wife did not participate in that process, she does not. It is like pulling teeth to get my wife to allow my daughter to take the car out and even go to the store by herself. Granted, my wife is getting better about it, but only at my insistence.
Another example is household chores. My wife does not insist on either child doing any kind of chores. In my opinion, this does them no favors. Not only do they not know how to take care of themselves, but they are not developing the work ethic and "hustle" they will need for life in the real world. Yesterday, I gave my son a task to do in getting the house ready. He started working on it, decided it was pointless, complained to Mom, she agreed it was pointless, and that was pretty much that. What my wife doesn't realize is that in the real world, many (most?) of the tasks our "bosses" assign us really are pointless bullshit. But the answer is not to cry about it to mom, but to realize that's why they call it "work", suck it up, and do it. If the job sucks too much, you can always look for another.
So going forward, I will have the kids in what is called Expanded Standard Visitation. Basically, every other week I will have them Thursday after school until Monday getting to school. On "her" weeks, I will also have them those Thursday nights and get them to school Friday morning. It essentially means I will have the kids about 1/3 of the time. It wasn't what I wanted (I wanted one week on / one week off), but she said she would fight me tooth and nail over that and I decided not to use the kids as a "prize" to be "won". It kept the peace.
However, I will ensure that the time I have the kids is quality time. We are going to have a hell of a lot of fun. For example, yesterday on the way to my Mom's, we "rescued" a turtle in the middle of the road. We drove it to a nearby lake and "set it free". We do goofy stuff like that all the time. However, it isn't just about the fun stuff that defines quality. My kids will know how to cook for themselves, clean up after themselves, do their own laundry, go to the store by themselves and countless other things that are needed to be an adult in modern society. Yes, I can do these things for them, but they are now at an age where me doing so does more harm than help. And yes, their time with me will not just be a series of chores. We will also have a lot of fun! But in my opinion, we must have both.
I have no expectation that these experiences will be present for the 2/3 of the time they will be at mom's. She want's to be "super mom" and do all these things for them. Granted, working full time, she may discover the virtue in letting them help out, but I doubt it. She just has a very different philosophy of parenting (helicopter mom). However, I will ensure that our kids have been taught how to survive once out there "in the wild".
Has anyone else faced similar issues? Any advice / warnings?
