Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2016 23:58:23 GMT -5
I knew an old guy that lived in a trailer. He had paths all over it bordered by 50 years of Popular Mechanics and National Geographic magazines. His shower had two white foot marks on the floor and the rest of it was brown with mold. The bar of soap on the soap dish looked like a cat toy or something.
Very little grosses me out.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2016 23:58:52 GMT -5
Welcome Ginkagold! I wish your story wasn't so familiar to so many of us. Rest assured we are here for you as you work through this process. I was married for 21 years, sexless for 13 and like you, I ignored warning signs, believed him when he said he would change, and drove myself crazy trying to make it work. I finally decided to leave the marriage and I'm in the middle of a divorce now. If you haven't already done so, it would be a good idea to meet with a lawyer and just see how a divorce would work for you. I'm not saying you should divorce, just that having the information could be helpful as you are deciding.
I'm glad you found our group, although I'm sorry you needed to.
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mariposa43
Junior Member
Posts: 47 
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by mariposa43 on May 3, 2016 5:47:03 GMT -5
Hi ggold! Like @mountainrunner, I am in the process of leaving. Sounds like you and I are about the same age. I have 2 kids.  I know the "I am done" feeling all too well, and I think it's great that you have clarity about your need to move on. I think it was mountainrunner who suggested to at least go on and meet with an attorney to see what it will take. I second that. Whatever your process, whatever your decision, you will find support and zero judgment here. Happy to meet you! |
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Post by angryspartan on May 3, 2016 11:23:47 GMT -5
I am so relieved to have found this forum! I am hoping that I will not be judged but just allowed to be free with my feelings and experiences regarding my SM. I cannot believe it when I write this out, but I've been in my SM for about 8 years or so. No sex, no affection, no intimacy....nothing. I've been married for 22 years. I got married young, right out of college. Went from living with my parents to living with my husband. We had a great connection prior to getting married. After a few years of marriage, the activity died down. I would reach out to him about the lack of sex and he would assure me he would change, things would get better. I was young and hopeful and believed. Although not in a SM back then, the signs were there. Still, I ignored them and we went on with life. We adopted our three beautiful children and created our family. He is a good man. This has been the root of my guilt. I would cry because I was lonely in the marriage but then convince myself that I could live without sex because he is a good father, provider, person, etc. I've been in therapy to deal with the guilt and I've come a long way. I know my marriage is over. We are friends and co-parents, partners and roommates. We are not lovers. I am not sexually attracted to him anymore. We were in therapy last summer. I tried to do the homework of holding hands, sitting close to him, even going on a weekend getaway. I didn't feel it. I couldn't bring myself to hold his hand. It felt so forced, so unnatural. When we went away, I had to sleep in the same bed with him. (I haven't in years and tell the kids it's because he snores.) It was terrible. I confronted him recently and spilled my feelings. Everything. I was very honest. H e was devastated but finally admitted to having no sex drive. (He actually SAID the words...this was huge!) He said he is holding on to a thread of hope that our marriage can work. He now wants to go to therapy himself and work on him. He asked if I'd go back into counseling with him but I said no. He said he won't let me go. So, basically he doesn't want me sexually and he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. I have a lot of planning to do. I work part-time and rely on him financially. We have the children and they are my priority. This is going to be so difficult and my head is spinning. What I do know is that I need to move on. And I will...it just may take a little time...but my journey is just beginning. No drive is not an excuse. You literally could not apply the "no desire" to do anything else that's important to having a healthy relationship and get away with it. I have 0 tolerance for that kind of garbage excuse. |
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Post by ggold on May 3, 2016 12:00:44 GMT -5
YES! I agree. Just sucks that it has taken me this long to realize it! Thx!
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Post by DryCreek on May 3, 2016 12:02:49 GMT -5
No drive is not an excuse. You literally could not apply the "no desire" to do anything else that's important to having a healthy relationship and get away with it. I have 0 tolerance for that kind of garbage excuse. I completely agree. "I just didn't feel like going to work this week." "I wasn't up for feeding the kids today." "Hygiene is overrated. It's not worth my effort." Why is it that interpersonal relationships - and marriage, at that - are given a free pass to be tended to only when one is "in the mood"? Life is full of responsibilities. How is it that people recognize even goldfish need regular care and feeding, but a marriage is expected to thrive when no effort is made? |
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Post by ggold on May 3, 2016 13:33:16 GMT -5
"How is it that people recognize even goldfish need regular care and feeding, but a marriage is expected to thrive when no effort is made?"
OMG!! I never thought of this!! BTW he feeds the friggin' fish every day!!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 14:19:46 GMT -5
No drive is not an excuse. You literally could not apply the "no desire" to do anything else that's important to having a healthy relationship and get away with it. I have 0 tolerance for that kind of garbage excuse. Woah, Great Point!! I have no desire for hard work. I should see a doctor and see if I have a hormone deficiency. I have no desire to change diapers. Maybe I should get counseling. Can't really muster the Mojo for the girls basketball game. I know it's important to my son that I go to his track meet, but I just don't want to. Bill, I have no desire to submit the FY2017 operating budget next week. Apart from that, the job is ok. |
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Post by LITW on May 3, 2016 16:53:10 GMT -5
Wishing you success on your journey. When they dont want you, but dont want anybody else to have you that makes it very hard, and very unfair.
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Post by ggold on May 3, 2016 17:37:28 GMT -5
Wishing you success on your journey. When they dont want you, but dont want anybody else to have you that makes it very hard, and very unfair. Yes, it is extremely unfair at this point. Thank you. I need positive thoughts right now! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 20:17:27 GMT -5
No judgment here. Everybody else has pretty well covered it...I will just welcome you to the group that nobody wants to be a part of. It sucks that we need it, but it's good that it's here for us.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2016 22:03:49 GMT -5
He won't let you go but he won't have sex with you either. If he's going to get his act together with his own counseling that's going to take years if at all, and even then it will be the kind of sex where he manages not to dislike it.
No, you made the right decision to decline more counseling. I hope his "promise" not to let you go doesn't translate into a drawn out divorce. He can't stop it (if you're in the US) but he can sure drag it out.
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Post by TMD on May 3, 2016 22:05:21 GMT -5
Felt, in many ways, you were writing my story (although I got married a bit later). One thing that wasn't covered is that you need an executable plan to accompany whatever choice you make.
Welcome aboard!
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curt
New Member
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Post by curt on May 3, 2016 22:27:15 GMT -5
I am so relieved to have found this forum! I am hoping that I will not be judged but just allowed to be free with my feelings and experiences regarding my SM. I cannot believe it when I write this out, but I've been in my SM for about 8 years or so. No sex, no affection, no intimacy....nothing. I've been married for 22 years. I got married young, right out of college. Went from living with my parents to living with my husband. We had a great connection prior to getting married. After a few years of marriage, the activity died down. I would reach out to him about the lack of sex and he would assure me he would change, things would get better. I was young and hopeful and believed. Although not in a SM back then, the signs were there. Still, I ignored them and we went on with life. We adopted our three beautiful children and created our family. He is a good man. This has been the root of my guilt. I would cry because I was lonely in the marriage but then convince myself that I could live without sex because he is a good father, provider, person, etc. I've been in therapy to deal with the guilt and I've come a long way. I know my marriage is over. We are friends and co-parents, partners and roommates. We are not lovers. I am not sexually attracted to him anymore. We were in therapy last summer. I tried to do the homework of holding hands, sitting close to him, even going on a weekend getaway. I didn't feel it. I couldn't bring myself to hold his hand. It felt so forced, so unnatural. When we went away, I had to sleep in the same bed with him. (I haven't in years and tell the kids it's because he snores.) It was terrible. I confronted him recently and spilled my feelings. Everything. I was very honest. He was devastated but finally admitted to having no sex drive. (He actually SAID the words...this was huge!) He said he is holding on to a thread of hope that our marriage can work. He now wants to go to therapy himself and work on him. He asked if I'd go back into counseling with him but I said no. He said he won't let me go. So, basically he doesn't want me sexually and he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. I have a lot of planning to do. I work part-time and rely on him financially. We have the children and they are my priority. This is going to be so difficult and my head is spinning. What I do know is that I need to move on. And I will...it just may take a little time...but my journey is just beginning. |
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Post by warmways on May 3, 2016 22:32:29 GMT -5
I am so relieved to have found this forum! I am hoping that I will not be judged but just allowed to be free with my feelings and experiences regarding my SM. I cannot believe it when I write this out, but I've been in my SM for about 8 years or so. No sex, no affection, no intimacy....nothing. I've been married for 22 years. I got married young, right out of college. Went from living with my parents to living with my husband. We had a great connection prior to getting married. After a few years of marriage, the activity died down. I would reach out to him about the lack of sex and he would assure me he would change, things would get better. I was young and hopeful and believed. Although not in a SM back then, the signs were there. Still, I ignored them and we went on with life. We adopted our three beautiful children and created our family. He is a good man. This has been the root of my guilt. I would cry because I was lonely in the marriage but then convince myself that I could live without sex because he is a good father, provider, person, etc. I've been in therapy to deal with the guilt and I've come a long way. I know my marriage is over. We are friends and co-parents, partners and roommates. We are not lovers. I am not sexually attracted to him anymore. We were in therapy last summer. I tried to do the homework of holding hands, sitting close to him, even going on a weekend getaway. I didn't feel it. I couldn't bring myself to hold his hand. It felt so forced, so unnatural. When we went away, I had to sleep in the same bed with him. (I haven't in years and tell the kids it's because he snores.) It was terrible. I confronted him recently and spilled my feelings. Everything. I was very honest. He was devastated but finally admitted to having no sex drive. (He actually SAID the words...this was huge!) He said he is holding on to a thread of hope that our marriage can work. He now wants to go to therapy himself and work on him. He asked if I'd go back into counseling with him but I said no. He said he won't let me go. So, basically he doesn't want me sexually and he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. I have a lot of planning to do. I work part-time and rely on him financially. We have the children and they are my priority. This is going to be so difficult and my head is spinning. What I do know is that I need to move on. And I will...it just may take a little time...but my journey is just beginning. What you write sounds like my stuff, too. This place is so supportive and you can learn so much. I hope you find a lot of clarity and understanding as you find your way out. Don't be hard on yourself .. It's going to help for you to be your best friend. (: |
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I know the "I am done" feeling all too well, and I think it's great that you have clarity about your need to move on. I think it was mountainrunner who suggested to at least go on and meet with an attorney to see what it will take. I second that. 
