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Post by ggold on May 2, 2016 20:45:04 GMT -5
I am so relieved to have found this forum! I am hoping that I will not be judged but just allowed to be free with my feelings and experiences regarding my SM.
I cannot believe it when I write this out, but I've been in my SM for about 8 years or so. No sex, no affection, no intimacy....nothing. I've been married for 22 years. I got married young, right out of college. Went from living with my parents to living with my husband. We had a great connection prior to getting married. After a few years of marriage, the activity died down. I would reach out to him about the lack of sex and he would assure me he would change, things would get better. I was young and hopeful and believed.
Although not in a SM back then, the signs were there. Still, I ignored them and we went on with life. We adopted our three beautiful children and created our family.
He is a good man. This has been the root of my guilt. I would cry because I was lonely in the marriage but then convince myself that I could live without sex because he is a good father, provider, person, etc. I've been in therapy to deal with the guilt and I've come a long way. I know my marriage is over. We are friends and co-parents, partners and roommates. We are not lovers. I am not sexually attracted to him anymore.
We were in therapy last summer. I tried to do the homework of holding hands, sitting close to him, even going on a weekend getaway. I didn't feel it. I couldn't bring myself to hold his hand. It felt so forced, so unnatural. When we went away, I had to sleep in the same bed with him. (I haven't in years and tell the kids it's because he snores.) It was terrible.
I confronted him recently and spilled my feelings. Everything. I was very honest. He was devastated but finally admitted to having no sex drive. (He actually SAID the words...this was huge!) He said he is holding on to a thread of hope that our marriage can work. He now wants to go to therapy himself and work on him. He asked if I'd go back into counseling with him but I said no. He said he won't let me go. So, basically he doesn't want me sexually and he doesn't want anyone else to have me either. I have a lot of planning to do. I work part-time and rely on him financially. We have the children and they are my priority. This is going to be so difficult and my head is spinning. What I do know is that I need to move on. And I will...it just may take a little time...but my journey is just beginning.
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2016 21:03:36 GMT -5
ggold Phew, for a minute there I thought I had an alternate personality that was typing my story under your name. But no, I don't have 3 kids so probably also not a secret extra personality. I feel for you, no judgment here, just lots of empathy.
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Post by unmatched on May 2, 2016 21:03:42 GMT -5
Thank you for telling us your story, and you are absolutely not alone. There are people here who have left, people in the process of leaving, people who stay and have affairs, and people who just find ways to stick it out. And we all know how difficult this is, so nobody is going to judge you wherever you end up.
I am in a similar situation to you. My wife has a lot of issues around both emotional and physical intimacy, and has been uninterested in any kind of ongoing sex life for years. In my case she would have the occasional spark a few times a year, but in some ways that just made it worse the rest of the time. We ended up deciding to split about a week ago and went to talk it through with a counsellor, and now she wants to work on herself and do counselling together. But something for me has shifted and right now I feel quite repelled by the idea of sex and intimacy with her. I just think I would get hurt all over again. And why does she want to do this NOW when I have already distanced myself emotionally? I kind of get that maybe she needed a massive shock to start taking this seriously, but I have been telling her I am unhappy for years and she never seemed to care much then. So like you I feel I need to move on, but I also have a son and I would like to try and salvage as much of the good parts of our marriage as I can while we let it go.
So congratulations on getting to the point where you are now. It took me a long time to get through all the denial and trying to fix things and reach the point of actually feeling like letting it go. And it is still hard and I still love her and it feels stupid at times. But hang in there and you will find your way through.
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Post by petrushka on May 2, 2016 21:20:59 GMT -5
I don't get these people who won't connect, who won't listen, who won't care about your unhappiness, and yet, they don't want to let you go.
No, no, no. I have to say this: the first time I told my wife about my deep deep unhappiness - she pricked up her ears, she listened.
She changed what she could. Unfortunately, she has not changed what is clearly childhood damage from an abusive father, she has not
miraculously turned in to a sexual being either.
But: you may have noticed I've been a bit negative, depressed, unhappy the last few days, totally apart from the damned migraine yesterday.
She's apparently picked up on it, and been incredibly caring, affectionate and supportive. Makes me feel bad, almost, talking about what is
not working in our relationship. And it's not because I've lit a fire under her arse. She IS a genuinely caring person.
If I said I want out, I'd be out. I'd get out. It would not be contested. Those people who won't let go, they strike me as users. They've
used you, they've started to take you for granted, and they don't want to loose their comfort cause THEY are getting their needs met.
Well, not all of them are like that. Some are the control freaks who can't let go of any possession, whether they still use it and want it,
or not.
Ack!
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Post by ggold on May 2, 2016 21:32:07 GMT -5
I don't get these people who won't connect, who won't listen, who won't care about your unhappiness, and yet, they don't want to let you go. No, no, no. I have to say this: the first time I told my wife about my deep deep unhappiness - she pricked up her ears, she listened. She changed what she could. Unfortunately, she has not changed what is clearly childhood damage from an abusive father, she has not miraculously turned in to a sexual being either. But: you may have noticed I've been a bit negative, depressed, unhappy the last few days, totally apart from the damned migraine yesterday. She's apparently picked up on it, and been incredibly caring, affectionate and supportive. Makes me feel bad, almost, talking about what is not working in our relationship. And it's not because I've lit a fire under her arse. She IS a genuinely caring person. If I said I want out, I'd be out. I'd get out. It would not be contested. Those people who won't let go, they strike me as users. They've used you, they've started to take you for granted, and they don't want to loose their comfort cause THEY are getting their needs met. Well, not all of them are like that. Some are the control freaks who can't let go of any possession, whether they still use it and want it, or not. Ack! I hear you! He has known for years that I have been unhappy with our situation. I let him control this part of me. He avoided instead of facing the problem and I let it go for years. If he wants to be celibate, so be it. I just cannot join him on his path anymore. And FINALLY I am using my voice to say no more. |
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Post by unmatched on May 2, 2016 21:39:31 GMT -5
I hear you! He has known for years that I have been unhappy with our situation. I let him control this part of me. He avoided instead of facing the problem and I let it go for years. If he wants to be celibate, so be it. I just cannot join him on his path anymore. And FINALLY I am using my voice to say no more. Exactly! And what does that mean? I knew you weren't happy for years, but only now you are walking out the door am I interested in doing something about it. Not because I care about your happiness, but because it is having an impact on ME - the most important person in the world. (Sorry, feeling bitter this morning...) |
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Post by greatcoastal on May 2, 2016 21:45:41 GMT -5
You sound like a candidate for the " three choices speech!"
Outsource
Get divorced
Stay married and live in a ILIASM shit hole.
I'm tired, would others elaborate on this for this fine lady?
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Post by deborahmanning on May 2, 2016 21:52:37 GMT -5
Oh yes, the users. This is the situation I am in: H announced, after many tries at therapy together and separately, that he was DONE - not interested in reconciling in any way. Among his words were "We've never been married. I've never been happy." He said he was going to buy a trailer and move out. I told my parents, our few joint friends, and started to adjust mentally to single life.....
..... and he did not go. Turns out it's a lot of work to figure the practicalities of a separation out, and he doesn't want to do this work: he wants ME to do it. Call the attorneys, work out a custody schedule, figure out where he should live so our son doesn't have to change schools. Every time I did even part of this task, he would throw some monkey wrench into it. Doesn't like that lawyer. That schedule won't work with my shift.
He's still sleeping in the guest room, living like a hoarder. Piles of crap everywhere. He never wanted a wife, he wanted a maid and childcare provider.
Every month that goes by I hate him more.
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Post by deborahmanning on May 2, 2016 21:59:59 GMT -5
But ginkagold, I did not mean to derail your thread: Welcome. I think you're doing great, you sound very clear in your understanding of your needs vs. your husband's. A lot of these guys "go to therapy" in order to create a holding pattern; they know they're not really going to be able to change but if they've ticked that box, they feel justified in staying with the facade of a family life. I'm awfully sorry you went through the effort and endless paperwork of three adoptions with this guy -- that is going to make things so difficult!
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Post by Dan on May 2, 2016 22:01:44 GMT -5
Estimating your age at about 10 years younger than me: you are about the same age when I realized "I had had enough".
Leaving the marriage then would have been tough. (Mostly I was not emotionally ready.) I had tried "doing without (the intimacy)" for long enough. So I made a different tough choice: I decided to "outsource". (That is a euphemism here for having relationships outside of your marriage.) While I don't regret having the relationships at all, I do find myself second-guessing my "younger me": what I had left the marriage then? Yes: in the process of staying for that decade I learned a lot about myself, and life, and love, and that I am both worthy of and capable of having a wonderful physical intimate relationship. AND I've been around to raise my kids, which has been good for them and good for me.
But now I find myself facing a new tough choice: divorce and "starting over" in my fifties. I know it is doable... but it just seems like a lot of work. Which I suppose it is at anytime, especially with a family.
So: I'm not suggesting either "leave now" or "leave in 10 years" is a better plan for you. Just think as best you can about the trade-offs. If you leave sooner, you'll have more time to find and be with someone better for you.
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Post by unmatched on May 2, 2016 22:16:46 GMT -5
This is the situation I am in: H announced, after many tries at therapy together and separately, that he was DONE - not interested in reconciling in any way. Among his words were "We've never been married. I've never been happy." He said he was going to buy a trailer and move out. How long ago did he tell you that? |
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Post by deborahmanning on May 2, 2016 22:26:42 GMT -5
Six years ago.
He goes through phases of acting like he is about to plan to act, and I've fallen for it like an idiot. When I start making my own plans and he's gotten wind of them, he becomes loud, mean, vindictive. Never violent though, he knows exactly where the line is that would bring the police. I think I've got somewhat institutionalized.
But what does he expect me to do, exactly? Buy the trailer for him? I don't want to leave this house and he's the one always saying he hates it.
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Post by unmatched on May 2, 2016 22:41:51 GMT -5
Six years ago. He goes through phases of acting like he is about to plan to act, and I've fallen for it like an idiot. When I start making my own plans and he's gotten wind of them, he becomes loud, mean, vindictive. Never violent though, he knows exactly where the line is that would bring the police. I think I've got somewhat institutionalized. But what does he expect me to do, exactly? Buy the trailer for him? I don't want to leave this house and he's the one always saying he hates it. Six years !? If he has already checked out of the relationship and has no interest in it, then just find a lawyer who YOU like, file for divorce and let him worry about it when the ground disappears from under his feet. If he doesn't particularly want to move on and would rather mooch off you then there is no incentive for him to do anything at all. |
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Post by deborahmanning on May 2, 2016 22:55:08 GMT -5
Bingo. I guess I am slow, because everytime things get tense around here he talks about "the divorce" like it's just about to arrive in the mail. Or "when I leave", that's another one. It's been hard for me to decouple his clear speech with the total lack of action on his part. And I think part of the goal is keeping me confused.... after all, if I think he's JUST about to file, I won't take the trouble to do it myself. But 2016 is the year, I will file and let pieces fall where they may.
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Post by Deleted on May 2, 2016 23:54:54 GMT -5
But what does he expect me to do, exactly? Buy the trailer for him? I don't want to leave this house and he's the one always saying he hates it. Fred, let's go trailer hunting. They have a great deal on the FlimsyWind, and I think there's a lot available on top of the hill at the Tornado Alley Trailer Park. We'll visit on clear days. |
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