|
Post by ted on May 3, 2017 0:36:26 GMT -5
I'm so sorry, h . Those are tough feelings you're riding out. Every time I dared to get a little hope up, it would get hammered down somehow too. And then a whole new cycle of despair and anger began. Isn't it hard to believe they can think like that? I still can't wrap my mind around it. And that's not just rhetoric---I actually have trouble believing I find myself in this situation and that she holds the positions she holds. We're all just in a bad dream, right?
|
|
|
Post by h on May 3, 2017 1:30:27 GMT -5
I'm so sorry, h . Those are tough feelings you're riding out. Every time I dared to get a little hope up, it would get hammered down somehow too. And then a whole new cycle of despair and anger began. Isn't it hard to believe they can think like that? I still can't wrap my mind around it. And that's not just rhetoric---I actually have trouble believing I find myself in this situation and that she holds the positions she holds. We're all just in a bad dream, right? It's a bad dream that I want to wake up from. I held onto hope that her guilt over neglecting me would push her to try and change. Tonight just proves that her guilt was only over me feeling neglected, not guilt for doing the neglecting. I just wish that I had figured this out sooner. I tried so hard to believe that she genuinely wanted to work on our sex life. It just didn't even occur to me that she could have such an uncaring attitude towards something I consider vital to my overall happiness.
|
|
|
Post by merrygoround on May 3, 2017 2:24:07 GMT -5
Totally this. When they see you broken, when they see you exhausted from all the talks, discussions, attempts every which way and STILL don't admit and try and rectify the problem at the heart of it - just more talking and perhaps an apology....still doesn't address the bloody issue does it. Arrrgghhhh!
|
|
|
Post by h on May 3, 2017 2:42:36 GMT -5
Totally this. When they see you broken, when they see you exhausted from all the talks, discussions, attempts every which way and STILL don't admit and try and rectify the problem at the heart of it - just more talking and perhaps an apology....still doesn't address the bloody issue does it. Arrrgghhhh! It doesn't address the issue because they think there is no issue. My W really believes that I am the one with a problem. My problem is, I want to have sex with my wife! Instead, I'm laying here in bed alone at 3:30 AM typing away my frustrations. I have to get up in a couple hours and go to work but every time I close my eyes, I keep seeing her disgusted face judging me. It just hurts so much and makes me feel like some kind of animal. I know in my rational head that I shouldn't feel like this but it's hard to force myself to override those automatic responses. It's as if the default setting in my emotional mind is "I'm disgusting and hideous and should be grateful if she ever lets me be in the same room."
|
|
|
Post by nolongerlonely on May 3, 2017 9:05:54 GMT -5
no h, you are not disgusting or hideous, you are expressing the desire to do something that reflects the core of our very existence, let alone can be an incredible experience for both parties involved, and ideally at the same time, especially with practice !
If thats truly how you feel, then you are also truly better off going your own way. I was your age when I had the same thoughts, and convinced myself I was just being a selfish, sexually obsessed man. No facebook or forums in those days. 22 years on, I'm feeling worse about it than ever, needing to sort my life out sometime very soon. Dont be like me
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 3, 2017 9:25:24 GMT -5
H,
It's time to move to another bedroom. Don't continue playing the charade. Everything is not okay. Stop meeting your wife's needs. Stop the perfunctory "I love you" and the hugs and pecks on the cheeks. Go to work and leave without saying good-bye.
Don't do it out of anger but do it to protect yourself emotionally. If your wife says something, then tell her you did not get married to have a roommate. If she wants a roommate, then you'll be one.
You may be surprised how your wife starts to act. You grow some balls and she'll start to respect you more.
The hypocrisy will eat you up. That's what killing you right now. You're playing along and feeling miserable about the marriage.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 3, 2017 10:04:45 GMT -5
You may be surprised how your wife starts to act. You grow some balls and she'll start to respect you more. Respect you more? Maybe...... Reject you more. (most likely) Get angry. Not like it at all. Taking her control away? Not giving in? This is when the manipulation gets cranked up a few more notches! Once you start to show them the door the "kicking and screaming" starts. Don't hold your breath for the big change to happen. It's no longer your problem. You have to over come that and use this NEW FOUND SELF RESPECT for what it is . Respecting yourself.
|
|
|
Post by h on May 3, 2017 10:11:36 GMT -5
H, It's time to move to another bedroom. Don't continue playing the charade. Everything is not okay. Stop meeting your wife's needs. Stop the perfunctory "I love you" and the hugs and pecks on the cheeks. Go to work and leave without saying good-bye. Don't do it out of anger but do it to protect yourself emotionally. If your wife says something, then tell her you did not get married to have a roommate. If she wants a roommate, then you'll be one. You may be surprised how your wife starts to act. You grow some balls and she'll start to respect you more. The hypocrisy will eat you up. That's what killing you right now. You're playing along and feeling miserable about the marriage. Well on my way already. No physical contact this morning and no "I love you" either. Still angry and running on no sleep and a gallon of coffee. I just feel lied to and led on. Like the victim of a shady salesman's bait and switch. Anger and caffeine are all that's keeping me going though. Watched the clock all last night until the alarm went off this morning.
|
|
|
Post by itsjustus on May 3, 2017 14:36:15 GMT -5
Spent the last hour looking up counseling services in my area. Everything has been good and we had been getting along better this week. We talked and laughed at things together and had been more affectionate. Just had my Rose colored glasses slapped off my face though. W posts some BS flowery picture on Facebook that says: "Love is not about sex, going on fancy dates, or showing off. It's about being with a person who makes you happy in a way nobody else can." Naturally I gave it a "sad face" reaction but left it at that. She asked why. I told her that the very first line of it was just awful. W: Is that what you think, that love is just about sex? Me: Sex isn't all of love but it is a big part of it, included in it. The fact that you think it's not is just awful. Silence the rest of the night. I went to bed and she stayed up. She never came in to bed and I heard her go into the other bedroom. I think tomorrow things will be said that may possibly start the downward spiral to the end. She showed her true colors tonight. Sex will never be important to her. My sexuality is a big part of what makes me the man I am so who I am as a man must not be very important to her. So angry I can't sleep. Work tomorrow is going to suck. I agree with what your wife posted, I've seen it before. It just needs a little editing..... Love is not JUST about sex, Just about going on fancy dates, or just about showing off. Its also about being with a person who makes you hapoy in a way nobody else can. I'd also like to point out the irony...and hypocrisy of the last line as it relates to your marriage and your wife's refusing: "in a way nobody else can" also includes making you sexually happy....in a way nobody else can, assuming a monogamous marriage. Worth mentioning to her? Just sayin....
|
|
|
Post by h on May 3, 2017 14:51:12 GMT -5
Spent the last hour looking up counseling services in my area. Everything has been good and we had been getting along better this week. We talked and laughed at things together and had been more affectionate. Just had my Rose colored glasses slapped off my face though. W posts some BS flowery picture on Facebook that says: "Love is not about sex, going on fancy dates, or showing off. It's about being with a person who makes you happy in a way nobody else can." Naturally I gave it a "sad face" reaction but left it at that. She asked why. I told her that the very first line of it was just awful. W: Is that what you think, that love is just about sex? Me: Sex isn't all of love but it is a big part of it, included in it. The fact that you think it's not is just awful. Silence the rest of the night. I went to bed and she stayed up. She never came in to bed and I heard her go into the other bedroom. I think tomorrow things will be said that may possibly start the downward spiral to the end. She showed her true colors tonight. Sex will never be important to her. My sexuality is a big part of what makes me the man I am so who I am as a man must not be very important to her. So angry I can't sleep. Work tomorrow is going to suck. I agree with what your wife posted, I've seen it before. It just needs a little editing..... Love is not JUST about sex, Just about going on fancy dates, or just about showing off. Its also about being with a person who makes you hapoy in a way nobody else can. I'd also like to point out the irony...and hypocrisy of the last line as it relates to your marriage and your wife's refusing: "in a way nobody else can" also includes making you sexually happy....in a way nobody else can, assuming a monogamous marriage. Worth mentioning to her? Just sayin.... Thanks! I was so annoyed that I missed the irony of the last line.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 3, 2017 17:12:30 GMT -5
Silence the rest of the night. I went to bed and she stayed up. She never came in to bed and I heard her go into the other bedroom. I think tomorrow things will be said that may possibly start the downward spiral to the end. She showed her true colors tonight. Sex will never be important to her. My sexuality is a big part of what makes me the man I am so who I am as a man must not be very important to her. This is very sad, but I am also relieved that you are coming to this realization. I have been there. You are getting to the point where you realize that regardless of the reason, she has no desire to see you fulfilled. The next step is even harder. It may be tomorrow, next month, next year, or later, but at some point, you will start to ask yourself why you are accepting her treatment of you. But I was told by someone close that when that happens, you will need to forgive yourself. Hang in there brother! You have a long road, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. DISCLAIMER- There is always the possibility that your W could wake up and realize that she loves you so much that the thought of losing you is worse than trying. Some refusers have actually changed.
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on May 3, 2017 18:24:53 GMT -5
Watch out for her next step of manipulation, she could give in and have sex to get you to move back into the bedroom or stop the divorced talk from happening. If you do, make sure you use protection. It only takes 1 sperm and 1 egg.
|
|
|
Post by snowman12345 on May 3, 2017 20:48:53 GMT -5
H, It's time to move to another bedroom. Don't continue playing the charade. Everything is not okay. Stop meeting your wife's needs. Stop the perfunctory "I love you" and the hugs and pecks on the cheeks. Go to work and leave without saying good-bye. Don't do it out of anger but do it to protect yourself emotionally. If your wife says something, then tell her you did not get married to have a roommate. If she wants a roommate, then you'll be one. You may be surprised how your wife starts to act. You grow some balls and she'll start to respect you more. The hypocrisy will eat you up. That's what killing you right now. You're playing along and feeling miserable about the marriage. Well on my way already. No physical contact this morning and no "I love you" either. Still angry and running on no sleep and a gallon of coffee. I just feel lied to and led on. Like the victim of a shady salesman's bait and switch. Anger and caffeine are all that's keeping me going though. Watched the clock all last night until the alarm went off this morning. So, if it was a bait and switch - call her on it. When someone lies, you can accept what they say and go on being what you are or you can confront them with it. Show that you have knowledge of the lie and it is unacceptable. She has shown you who she is and how it will be with her now and in the future. The question is: What will you do about it?
|
|
|
Post by allworkandnoplay on May 3, 2017 21:12:28 GMT -5
H, It's time to move to another bedroom. Don't continue playing the charade. Everything is not okay. Stop meeting your wife's needs. Stop the perfunctory "I love you" and the hugs and pecks on the cheeks. Go to work and leave without saying good-bye. Don't do it out of anger but do it to protect yourself emotionally. If your wife says something, then tell her you did not get married to have a roommate. If she wants a roommate, then you'll be one. You may be surprised how your wife starts to act. You grow some balls and she'll start to respect you more. The hypocrisy will eat you up. That's what killing you right now. You're playing along and feeling miserable about the marriage. Careful here. I have not moved to another bedroom, but I stopped all of those other pretenses a long time ago. I don't even wear my wedding ring anymore (that's actually a longer story - maybe later). No reaction; Nothing... Occasionally, when she is angry and itching to fight she will throw it out there that "I don't make her feel wanted" or she feels "unattractive". However, most of the time she is content to stay in her part of the house and me in mine. So, in this respect it was a backfire, inasmuch as it did not result in a desired change of attitude or behavior.
|
|
|
Post by baza on May 3, 2017 21:13:14 GMT -5
Are you still holding the line that - "everything is great bar the sex" Brother h ?
|
|