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Post by h on Apr 25, 2017 11:09:51 GMT -5
I'm new to the site. Married, very little intimacy, but not interested in divorce. It has been suggested to me by several users and without going into too many details, suffice it to say: I have weighed the pros and cons and have found divorce to be a less desirable option at this time. If things change for the worse, I will reevaluate that decision but not at this time. What I am more interested in now are ways to cope with living in an otherwise good relationship except for the very limited sex life. In all other areas of our life together, things are good or at least ok. I am not yet willing to give up entirely. Any thoughts?
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Post by novembercomingfire on Apr 25, 2017 11:14:20 GMT -5
I'm new to the site. Married, very little intimacy, but not interested in divorce. It has been suggested to me by several users and without going into too many details, suffice it to say: I have weighed the pros and cons and have found divorce to be a less desirable option at this time. If things change for the worse, I will reevaluate that decision but not at this time. What I am more interested in now are ways to cope with living in an otherwise good relationship except for the very limited sex life. In all other areas of our life together, things are good or at least ok. I am not yet willing to give up entirely. Any thoughts? I have no affirmative recommendations, but i can recommend that you avoid my coping strategy of choice which was heavy drinking.
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Post by h on Apr 25, 2017 11:21:31 GMT -5
I'm new to the site. Married, very little intimacy, but not interested in divorce. It has been suggested to me by several users and without going into too many details, suffice it to say: I have weighed the pros and cons and have found divorce to be a less desirable option at this time. If things change for the worse, I will reevaluate that decision but not at this time. What I am more interested in now are ways to cope with living in an otherwise good relationship except for the very limited sex life. In all other areas of our life together, things are good or at least ok. I am not yet willing to give up entirely. Any thoughts? I have no affirmative recommendations, but i can recommend that you avoid my coping strategy of choice which was heavy drinking. Been doing that for a few years already. Not out of control or destructive but enough to get by. Looking for alternatives though.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2017 11:39:47 GMT -5
I'm new to the site. Married, very little intimacy, but not interested in divorce. It has been suggested to me by several users and without going into too many details, suffice it to say: I have weighed the pros and cons and have found divorce to be a less desirable option at this time. If things change for the worse, I will reevaluate that decision but not at this time. What I am more interested in now are ways to cope with living in an otherwise good relationship except for the very limited sex life. In all other areas of our life together, things are good or at least ok. I am not yet willing to give up entirely. Any thoughts? Well, you can try to distract yourself. You can get a hobby and focus all of your energy on that. You can focus on food and being a couch potato. Maybe play video games and eat a lot of junk food. That will make you gain weight and become physically unhealthy, which will decrease your sex drive. You can use conditioning to make yourself hate sex. I suggest that you get a device to give an electric shock, then watch some porn. Every time you see a naked female body, you can shock yourself. That could possibly work. You can talk to your wife about having a female friend just for sex. If she really feels bad about denying you, she should not have a problem with this. Of course, she may not be open to the idea. You can find a female friend just for sex without telling her. You would have to be really discreet, but it can be done. I wish I could tell you something that is more positive, but I really can't. So is there a reason that your W cannot make any changes? Will she not consider counseling or talking to a doctor about solutions? Why will she only consider sex on one occasion a month at the most?
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Post by doneanddone on Apr 25, 2017 11:55:24 GMT -5
Everyone here has their own way of dealing with their individual issues and circumstances. I think what i have found awesome about this site is within the first couple of days visiting and sharing my particular set of circumstances are that it kind of has lifted a weight off my shoulders. This is a form of communication that people tend to forget about and even if no one reply's to you and all you do is post what's on your mind, hey at least you aren't beating your dog, or taking 10 shots of Fireball and getting behind the wheel, both I do not recommend at all. This has been a stress reliever for me. Makes it that more easy for me to handle my SM.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 25, 2017 12:05:36 GMT -5
I'm new to the site. Married, very little intimacy, but not interested in divorce. It has been suggested to me by several users and without going into too many details, suffice it to say: I have weighed the pros and cons and have found divorce to be a less desirable option at this time. If things change for the worse, I will reevaluate that decision but not at this time. What I am more interested in now are ways to cope with living in an otherwise good relationship except for the very limited sex life. In all other areas of our life together, things are good or at least ok. I am not yet willing to give up entirely. Any thoughts? I have no affirmative recommendations, but i can recommend that you avoid my coping strategy of choice which was heavy drinking. I second that motion... In general, if you plan on staying you will want to be mindful not to pick up vices as coping strategies. Took me a while to sober back up again. Avoid that path if you can.
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on Apr 25, 2017 12:13:59 GMT -5
I plan on using exercise to help cope. I also plan to start a business out of my hobby. First I have to learn to focus though and stop using food to cope.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 25, 2017 12:33:44 GMT -5
I plan on using exercise to help cope. I also plan to start a business out of my hobby. First I have to learn to focus though and stop using food to cope. It is quite possible to run a marathon completely fucked up. I have ran at least 3 where after crossing the finish line I was way too drunk to drive home
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Post by lyn on Apr 25, 2017 12:34:08 GMT -5
I'm new to the site. Married, very little intimacy, but not interested in divorce. It has been suggested to me by several users and without going into too many details, suffice it to say: I have weighed the pros and cons and have found divorce to be a less desirable option at this time. If things change for the worse, I will reevaluate that decision but not at this time. What I am more interested in now are ways to cope with living in an otherwise good relationship except for the very limited sex life. In all other areas of our life together, things are good or at least ok. I am not yet willing to give up entirely. Any thoughts? h Keep reading here - keep posting. Look for and accept support where you can get it. Offer support to others - this is also therapeutic. I can only off a few tips to help you keep your "sanity" in this type of marital arrangement. -avoid isolation. This is key - -work-out - some form of exercise daily. -avoid negative thoughts about your self at all costs. -individual counseling - prob a good idea. Living in reality, accepting what your marriage is, is important. Whether staying or leaving - if you are in full acceptance of your situation, at least it pulls you out of "limbo". Good luck!
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Post by lyn on Apr 25, 2017 12:35:52 GMT -5
I plan on using exercise to help cope. I also plan to start a business out of my hobby. First I have to learn to focus though and stop using food to cope. It is quite possible to run a marathon completely fucked up. I have ran at least 3 where after crossing the finish line I was way too drunk to drive home Yikes shamwow 😉 h Uber is your friend
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 25, 2017 12:39:13 GMT -5
Options: Get a vasectomy. She won't have to worry about getting pregnant & this could potentially double the times per month she's a willing participant. If she somehow hoped you two would procreate someday, then there really are a lot of other options for her to use birth control (though I took control of my own b.c. & it may or may not be smart to trust the refuser spouse on something like this). Counseling- joint & single. If she won't go to couple counselor then I'd believe she's entirely happy with once a month. Which leads us to: The only thing you can control is your own attitude. If you can, learn to accept that you will always have a marriage that has an asterisk.... "everything is great! *(well except the sex)" and she will have a marriage that she is, without exception, very happy with. Other possibilities: You can outsource. Paid prostitution or Tinder hookup or other free dating sites if you the "long term affair" approach. You can talk to her about a side relationship (that is: it lets her "off the hook" 3 out of 4 weekends a month). Or don't bring it up if she isn't likely to agree (don't want to "let on" if you think she wouldn't go for it) Either - she wants to change & if so, counseling may be effective. Or - she doesn't want to & in that case, your attitude is the only thing you have any influence on.
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Post by h on Apr 25, 2017 12:40:35 GMT -5
I'm already overweight but I quit exercising to help reduce drive and the alcohol helps some. Got a hobby which has helped on top of extra hours at work.
The problem is that there are health issues that have come between us many times throughout our marriage. I have stood by her through them and understand the lack of intimacy at those times but the rest of the time, she just isn't interested. In the past, she has expressed that intercourse is painful but won't ask her doctor about it. She also has issues which make "alternative activities" difficult for her to manage. (I won't go into graphic details here.) The reason why it only happens once a month at most is that is the only time her monthly hormones ramp up her emotions to a point where her feelings of guilt come to the surface. I couldn't bring myself to even ask to outsource. To each their own but it would just feel wrong to me. Thanks for the ideas though. Hopefully my drive will lessen with time.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Apr 25, 2017 12:49:38 GMT -5
I don't know if anyone has ever coped by successfully reducing libido, but I find the idea that anyone should consider this as a good coping strategy to be about more than I can bear. Surely this can't be what we are reduced to ...
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on Apr 25, 2017 13:42:17 GMT -5
I don't know if anyone has ever coped by successfully reducing libido, but I find the idea that anyone should consider this as a good coping strategy to be about more than I can bear. Surely this can't be what we are reduced to ... Until now that is how I have unknowingly been coping, by reducing my libido. I was on bc in hopes it would help encourage some intimacy but I quit a couple months ago because why continue medicine with health risks for no benefit? Turns out these particular pills were killing my drive making it much easier to cope with lack of intimacy. Since I have been off I can barely look at a half decent looking man without picturing all sorts of dirty things 😱😱 I have considered going back on for this benefit but it feels like I'm lying to myself and medically changing myself to cope with this feels extreme. Idk.
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Post by h on Apr 25, 2017 14:02:25 GMT -5
Thanks doneanddone and lyn. Appreciate the support.
GeekGoddess- we would like to have children and don't use birth control. Activity is just so infrequent (and at the wrong time) that it hasn't happened yet.
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