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Post by Dan on Jun 12, 2017 21:31:20 GMT -5
My head is beginning to spin slightly at the thought of talking to them. They're all young adults now, the three of them - in higher education and creating their own independent lives, slowly. They are approaching final exams of the year before summer break, so obviously i don't want to disrupt them during that. But when is really the best time to tell them? When i have concrete plans that i can explain to them? Such as lawyers have been seen, a date has been set for me moving? That sounds sensible to me. And we are fully on board about talking to them together. ... How much do we explain? Some things are obviously very private so i think we can head off the more awkward questions and just reassure them of our plans to still co-parent, love and support them as much as we ever have, but just in separate locations. ... Disclaimer: I haven't done this yet... but I do think about it a lot, as I have one child heading off to college this fall, and another who will be a high school junior this fall. This "timing" question has been bouncing around my brain quite a bit. A few thoughts: As for WHAT to tell them... my hunch is "tell them what is necessary", leaning toward "a little less detail". (You can always add more later, if needed. But you can't unsay something if you say too much.) If they ask you a direct question, either answer honestly or say "it's a fair question, but I really can't discuss that at this time. Maybe in the future." As for details and difficulties of the sexless marriage: I don't see any reason why that MUST be part of the discussion now. I think that will be a discussion you can have in the coming years, and even then, probably one-on-one (rather than the family setting I'm imagining since you and your husband seem to plan to break the news together). As for WHEN to tell them... I think it is OK for you to tell them as soon as any part of the plan is pretty much set in concrete. If you are SURE you are going to split, but don't know the exact timeline or where you'll be going... it is OK to tell them you are going to split. You don't have to have the ink dry on the separation agreement before you break the news! As for "co-parenting"... when you mentioned they are in "higher education", I assumed you meant college. If so, the amount of parenting should be on a steep decline at this time. Remember, over the college years, the "adult/child" relationship transitions to an "adult/adult" relationship. Frankly, THAT ALONE is probably more of a change than "married-parent/child" to "divorced-parent/child"! So soon enough, THEY will start having to make adult choices about their relationships with their parents, whether they are together or not. If I misread you, and your kids are all in high-school... well, you are on the cusp of the above changes anyways. You are merely moving that transition forward a few years. Really: it is not the end of the world... or even the end of their world. |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jun 13, 2017 0:52:52 GMT -5
hello sister merrygoround, firstly, so glad the 'zip code' therapy was a great success, a chance to put things properly into perspective and see a bit of clarity perhaps. I think its a great time to talk to the kids. At least one is probably well aware of your unhappiness. You've been away for some time which is also slightly out of character, so taking some time to explain things will give them some clarity. I realise just how hard that must be though, kind of the final confirmation to yourself that its all over. Dont be afraid of tears in their presence. I dont think theres any need to go into great detail. Later on, maybe, if the circumstances allow. But for now, just to explain that the two of you have grown apart and that despite counselling and lots of joint discussion together, you have irreconcilable differences. Please dont get too anxious about your future. November is only around the corner. And the qualification you need will bring a great new start for you, only have to read your posts to see the intelligent and articulate manner you have. Be strong, we are all here for you to help. On a slightly darker note, maybe your absence has caused your H to consider things as well. Maybe he has realised he can carry on with his sex-free life without you, and with a low cost - you mentioned before about a lack of fairness in the division of assets where you live. On this note, please time your departure carefully, maybe he is thinking about getting away with more (financially) than he previously anticipated. Please be careful on that score and make sure you have some proper advice on the subject. But on the subject of talking to the kids, if he is in agreement, you should. Who knows what he may have said to them while you were away. Sending hugs |
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Post by merrygoround on Jun 13, 2017 1:42:16 GMT -5
@dan, two of the kids are almost 20 and have a year to go, including internships - then either look for work or decide if they want to study further. Youngest is 18 and has just completed university entrance exams.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 13, 2017 14:02:52 GMT -5
If he wasn't fearful of speaking with the kids he would be a robot. I initiated the whole divorce, and telling the kids was the second hardest thing I've ever done (telling her was harder since I knew it was the point of no return).
Your kids are old enough that they will get it. My 16 year old observed to me that my wife and I hadn't kissed in 6 years (just about right on the date). They pick up on a LOT.
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Post by unmatched on Jun 13, 2017 21:50:54 GMT -5
I would think if you are decided on going then telling them now would be a good thing for all of you. It will give them a chance for the situation to normalise a little and for them to realise they still have a home and a family and strong relationships with both their parents before there is any physical change. And it will feel a lot less like you are running away and abandoning them. I think this is particularly true for the younger one if he is going to live at college, as I have read a number of times that it can be difficult when kids go off to college and their parents divorce and they feel they have nothing to go back to. If he can see that you are both still there for him and able to work together and provide some solid foundation it might make the transition a lot easier.
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Post by merrygoround on Jun 14, 2017 2:49:14 GMT -5
Thankfully the university is in the city, so he will be commuting from home every day - not too huge a distance.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 14, 2017 10:39:33 GMT -5
I highlighted this last night in the book "say Goodbye to Crazy" By Dr Tara Palmatier, pg 171. Ch23 Identifying and Using Crazy's Fears to Protect Yourself.
The 5 fears.
The fear of abandonment.
" " " loss of control.
" " " feeling or appearing inferior or inadequate.
" " " loss of resources.
" ' " exposure.
This is under fear of loss of control: We strongly encourage yo to allow Crazy NO! control over your lives. Let parallel parenting kick in. Straightforwardly address any problems that this may have caused between you and your children. Don't be afraid to tell them the truth. All of it! Parent according to your values and explain the reason for doing so to your children. You don't have to demonize their mother/father to tell them your side of the story. Simply explaining that you, like anyone else, insist upon having your own rules in your own home. This concept is sensible enough to register with most kids. So will similar explanations for other problems between you and crazy, especially when delivered by a loving father/mother.
Your kids may not grasp all of it at the time, but those are some valuable seeds to plant. You never know when a young person will reevaluate their lives.
Remember ,your house- your rules.Not Crazy's. Anything else is the kind of control Crazy never should have had in the first place.
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Post by shamwow on Jun 14, 2017 14:18:57 GMT -5
My head is beginning to spin slightly at the thought of talking to them. They're all young adults now, the three of them - in higher education and creating their own independent lives, slowly. They are approaching final exams of the year before summer break, so obviously i don't want to disrupt them during that. But when is really the best time to tell them? When i have concrete plans that i can explain to them? Such as lawyers have been seen, a date has been set for me moving? That sounds sensible to me. And we are fully on board about talking to them together. ... How much do we explain? Some things are obviously very private so i think we can head off the more awkward questions and just reassure them of our plans to still co-parent, love and support them as much as we ever have, but just in separate locations. ... Disclaimer: I haven't done this yet... but I do think about it a lot, as I have one child heading off to college this fall, and another who will be a high school junior this fall. This "timing" question has been bouncing around my brain quite a bit. A few thoughts: As for WHAT to tell them... my hunch is "tell them what is necessary", leaning toward "a little less detail". (You can always add more later, if needed. But you can't unsay something if you say too much.) If they ask you a direct question, either answer honestly or say "it's a fair question, but I really can't discuss that at this time. Maybe in the future." As for details and difficulties of the sexless marriage: I don't see any reason why that MUST be part of the discussion now. I think that will be a discussion you can have in the coming years, and even then, probably one-on-one (rather than the family setting I'm imagining since you and your husband seem to plan to break the news together). As for WHEN to tell them... I think it is OK for you to tell them as soon as any part of the plan is pretty much set in concrete. If you are SURE you are going to split, but don't know the exact timeline or where you'll be going... it is OK to tell them you are going to split. You don't have to have the ink dry on the separation agreement before you break the news! As for "co-parenting"... when you mentioned they are in "higher education", I assumed you meant college. If so, the amount of parenting should be on a steep decline at this time. Remember, over the college years, the "adult/child" relationship transitions to an "adult/adult" relationship. Frankly, THAT ALONE is probably more of a change than "married-parent/child" to "divorced-parent/child"! So soon enough, THEY will start having to make adult choices about their relationships with their parents, whether they are together or not. If I misread you, and your kids are all in high-school... well, you are on the cusp of the above changes anyways. You are merely moving that transition forward a few years. Really: it is not the end of the world... or even the end of their world. Dan, When we told our kids (16 year old girl and 13 year old boy) back in early April, we also went with the "a little less detail" approach. My wife and I viewed it like an onion. Give them a little bit. If that satisfies their curiosity, good. If they have more questions, peel back a layer of the onion. Eventually, they will be satisfied. It was surprising to me that the "why" question really wasn't asked after the initial explanation of "we grew apart." My son had no idea what the hell that meant, so we each explained to him individually later that we really had nothing in common anymore. The kids where much, much more interested in the "what the hell happens to me" questions down to whether their pets would also "commute" back and forth between our houses. They were more interested in whether they could have friends over than our sex life (or lack thereof). A good rule of thumb is that kids are pretty darn flexible as long as you and your wife stick to the same script and emphasize the things that affect them. |
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Post by merrygoround on Jun 14, 2017 17:02:25 GMT -5
Thanks for everyone's input on this thread - things have been moved up somewhat. Basically, I applied for a job yesterday, had a great Skype interview today and this evening was offered the position - which I have accepted.
I start work back in the UK beginning of July. We will talk to the kids in the next couple days.
I only have two weeks left here. I am feeling shaky and rather overwhelmed at the speed this is happening now. I know I have to grab this opportunity and give it my best shot. I just didn't expect it this quickly - thought that it might take a few months yet. It may work out brilliantly, it may not. But I would always regret not trying.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 14, 2017 17:24:25 GMT -5
Way to go girl!!! WHOOO HWOO!!! Well worth the risk.
My crystal ball says your adult kids will back you and be proud of your changes. They want the real you, not the suppressed you.
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Post by TMD on Jun 14, 2017 22:19:32 GMT -5
Congrats on the job offer! So exciting!
We haven't told our kids yet, but it's on the list of things we committed to doing.
We consulted with a therapist-mediator. She said that less is more with respect to explanation (e.g. "We have decided not to live as adults together.") And the kids just want to know you'll still be there for them as co-parents. And you don't need to have al the details all panned out before telling them.
My roommate is much like yours. He is struggling to acknowledge that this marriage cannot be sustained. While I'm struggling with, "why would anybody fool themselves to believe that living like this is good for the soul?" Anyways, I digress. It's not your responsibility to catch him up. He is an adult with access to resources. He can try to sort it out should he choose to do so.
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Post by merrygoround on Jun 15, 2017 1:34:44 GMT -5
Very much my thinking TMD. Ive been accused of being driven, of completely checking out, of trashing the past couple of decades and more - and also his declaration that he should have concentrated on himself over all these years instead of living for everyone else. Ummm ok! Basically more denial. Whatever - he can sort his shit out of he wants to. I'm certainly sorting mine! |
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Post by baza on Jun 15, 2017 1:40:49 GMT -5
Fuck a duck ! The pace has picked up Sister merrygoround !! Are you enjoying doing the driving ? It can be a bit intimidating initially. |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Jun 15, 2017 1:44:17 GMT -5
Well done merrygoround, fabulous inspiration for us all :-) And ignore all the mind games, about what you have and havent done. In my experience, its the refusers who have done everything for themselves and we have just gladly accepted it all as a part of our (long suffering) relationship. Why we do this is beyond me, but I am amongst the most guilty, for creating a world, however fantastic, that is still a. not enough (for her anyway) and b. still sexless. I'm extremely proud of you ! |
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Post by merrygoround on Jun 15, 2017 2:43:59 GMT -5
Thanks so much! baza I'm reeling at the speed of it all - he is most unhappy about that. When I get a chance to breathe then I can maybe think about enjoying it lol. |
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