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Post by merrygoround on Apr 22, 2017 1:05:24 GMT -5
My head is beginning to spin slightly at the thought of talking to them. They're all young adults now, the three of them - in higher education and creating their own independent lives, slowly.
They are approaching final exams of the year before summer break, so obviously i don't want to disrupt them during that. But when is really the best time to tell them? When i have concrete plans that i can explain to them? Such as lawyers have been seen, a date has been set for me moving? That sounds sensible to me. And we are fully on board about talking to them together.
How much do we explain? Some things are obviously very private so i think we can head off the more awkward questions and just reassure them of our plans to still co-parent, love and support them as much as we ever have, but just in separate locations.
The other concern I have is that i have always enjoyed and encouraged open and honest conversation with my kids. If they ask an honest question in the meantime (they might have noticed something already) and ask me about it, i am uncertain how to tackle that - especially when it does come around to us both sitting down with them - as i don't want them to feel that I've lied to them in some way, not prepared them for a bomb going off.
Lol i mentioned on another thread about my OH suddenly doing a lot of reading and research on this - he says he needs to sit down with the boys and explain to them not to make the same mistakes he did. I did hold up my daughter as an example to him recently and said, would you want her to be feeling the way i do, in a marriage like this? Works the same way for my sons as well as my daughter.
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Post by baza on Apr 22, 2017 1:57:30 GMT -5
Most people have 'amazing' children. That's just about a given. Yet, when it suits us, we can also hold a position that the kids are as dumb as a box of rocks, when it comes to intuiting that something may be amiss in their parents relationship. Sister merrygoround , I would greatly doubt that your kids are unaware that things between you and your husband aren't going so great. Reassurance that you are (both) planning on continuing on as loving and supportive parents (albeit not under the same roof) is the key point to get across. I don't know that specific details of the marital issue need be up for discussion. The marital relationship actually has bugger all to do with the kids. As regards "when" you tell them, I'd be opting for "the first available opportunity". I'd bet good money that they (or at least one of them) have twigged that there are problems and it will be a relief all round to get it out in the open. |
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 22, 2017 2:07:27 GMT -5
Most people have 'amazing' children. That's just about a given. Yet, when it suits us, we can also hold a position that the kids are as dumb as a box of rocks, when it comes to intuiting that something may be amiss in their parents relationship. Sister merrygoround , I would greatly doubt that your kids are unaware that things between you and your husband aren't going so great. Reassurance that you are (both) planning on continuing on as loving and supportive parents (albeit not under the same roof) is the key point to get across. I don't know that specific details of the marital issue need be up for discussion. The marital relationship actually has bugger all to do with the kids. As regards "when" you tell them, I'd be opting for "the first available opportunity". I'd bet good money that they (or at least one of them) have twigged that there are problems and it will be a relief all round to get it out in the open. Agreed baza - they've certainly heard and seen a few things over the years and have already asked recently about me crying and my quiet nature. Thanks for your input.x |
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Post by nolongerlonely on Apr 22, 2017 5:21:22 GMT -5
I agree with baza, its important to keep them informed. They are bound to have heard arguments or picked up intuitions, its important to keep your relationship going with them and reassure them your bond with them isnt changing at all. If things are amicable with your H, then maybe you should try to talk about it all together, nothing worse than getting a different story from each of you. Above all else, however independent and adult everyone behaves, they need you and you need them. You will always be their mum. If things become difficult for some reason, time is a great healer, you just have to reassure them you are always going to be there. Easy to write all that, maybe not so easy to do. Beware of emotional blackmail, very unfair but some humans seem quite happy to stoop to levels hardly imaginable.
I dont really know MG, theres never going to be a good time is there. If H is happy to accept it all and keen to keep it friendly, then I still think it would be lovely if you can all talk together. But if thats not possible for whatever reason, I still think its good to start sooner than later. Also I'm mindful about the important exams, maybe you and H should agree not to have the family discussion until they finish those. But if they already are aware of bits and pieces, then it will be in their minds so doesnt really matter. My dad died when I was 15. There was not choice on timing, if I could have done that then he would still be here. It had a very direct effect on my education and really everything about the way my life shaped itself. I was very lonely as a teen and in my 20's so probably made the wrong choice really easily and then stuck with it. Here I am feeling I've partly wasted over 50% of my life. You can help them in so many ways MG, I really believe its good to keep them informed, and continue to be there.
I've written loads of drivel sorry. Hope it helps a little bit. However they react, and however you choose to do it, make sure the door is always open for them to talk about anything at all. I think thats the message I should have put rather than writing so much
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 22, 2017 6:42:31 GMT -5
Hi Lonely  Goodness this is not drivel at all! I am so sorry for your loss, especially at such a formative age when you need that strong male presence in your life. We will certainly be approaching it together - that's what we have agreed upon and i don't see any reason for that to change - of course, avoiding those important dates. Lol on talking about this very thing this morning, he said couldn't we just wait until they're completely done and moving on with their lives? Are you kidding?! What if they're still here in their mid 30s?! Erm nope. Absolutely not! x |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 22, 2017 7:53:21 GMT -5
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 22, 2017 8:13:45 GMT -5
Thanks V much, GC. I'm going to settle down for a good read! x |
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 22, 2017 9:36:00 GMT -5
Very smart to wait until after exams. There will probably never be a perfect time to tell them but having a lot of details worked out is the way I went. My kids are young, so I wanted to have all the answers for them about their school, friends, where we will live, etc.
I was limited with the details I could tell them about why we are divorcing however if my kids were older meaning young adults then I would tell them the truth in hopes to inform them that sex is important in a marriage or any intimate relationship and when your partner is lying, manipulating, avoiding and neglecting you that's unacceptable and one should not tolerate that behavior.
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Post by merrygoround on Apr 22, 2017 11:02:24 GMT -5
Very smart to wait until after exams. There will probably never be a perfect time to tell them but having a lot of details worked out is the way I went. My kids are young, so I wanted to have all the answers for them about their school, friends, where we will live, etc. I was limited with the details I could tell them about why we are divorcing however if my kids were older meaning young adults then I would tell them the truth in hopes to inform them that sex is important in a marriage or any intimate relationship and when your partner is lying, manipulating, avoiding and neglecting you that's unacceptable and one should not tolerate that behavior. That is an excellent point, bballgirl. I could definitely see that being questioned and answered one on one, but not together! Funnily enough, H did say he needs to make sure the boys are informed about how important this is in a relationship for their own futures. Whether that was a lot of hot air, time will tell.x |
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Post by bballgirl on May 21, 2017 17:11:55 GMT -5
Very smart to wait until after exams. There will probably never be a perfect time to tell them but having a lot of details worked out is the way I went. My kids are young, so I wanted to have all the answers for them about their school, friends, where we will live, etc. I was limited with the details I could tell them about why we are divorcing however if my kids were older meaning young adults then I would tell them the truth in hopes to inform them that sex is important in a marriage or any intimate relationship and when your partner is lying, manipulating, avoiding and neglecting you that's unacceptable and one should not tolerate that behavior. I totally agree - talking to the kids is very important to me. Not long ago I overheard my W having the first talk about sex with my 12 year old daughter. I was so infuriated that she did this without my involvement! I was so flustered I didn't stick around to hear details but I wish I had. I made a decision that from then on my girls would learn more about sex from me than from their refuser mother. Of course I will do this without her involvement. I have to undo any damage she does. I agree and I know my kids feel more comfortable to talk to me about things. My son who plays baseball was telling me that his hair was getting caught in his cup and hurting him. You would think he would discuss this with his dad. My kids just feel more comfortable with me it's a risk free environment. That's the way a good sexual relationship should be, risk free. Where you can tell each other anything even your darkest fantasies even if they will not be acted upon but where there's no judgement. |
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Post by merrygoround on Jun 12, 2017 14:10:57 GMT -5
Ok guys I could really do with your opinions on this now.
As some of you may know from my story, I have today returned from "zipcode therapy" to the family home, having gained a lot of clarity and confirmation that indeed I am on the right path going forward with separation and divorce. I have received amazing support from family and friends and of course invaluable support and advice from the wonderful people here.
As you know the idea is that he will remain in the family home. He has an income, I was a stay at home mum, leaving my career to raise my three children and move abroad with him 12 years ago.He and his sibling have inherited a property between them - it could take years to sell, but when it does I will receive some funds from his half. That's all.
Fine, I can deal with that.
Since returning this morning I have raised the subject with him of when it would be best to inform the kids of everything.
I have to provide myself with an income. I am taking a 2-pronged approach on this. I have applied for a course in November, which looks like I will be accepted on - to qualify to teach English as a foreign language. That course takes time and obviously job hunting with that qualification more so afterwards.
I have also been applying for jobs using my former qualifications and skills sets, registered with agencies etc.
All of this in mind with gaining employment, providing myself with an income and future base for whatever the kids want to do in the future. Thankfully, as some of you know, my parents are offering me a room to stay as long as I need for this - and also another room for the kids to stay when they want to visit whilst they finish their education.
Bear with me lol this is getting long, I know.
I don't know when/if I will be successful in a job application, when that could occur for interview purposes etc. It could take a couple months or longer - who knows? But I am reaching out and trying.
I am of the mindset that now the kids have finished their finals that we approach the subject of splitting sooner rather than later. It's obviously never a good time, but with careful explanation and from us both wanting to show the kids we are amicable and continue to love and co-parent them, together with explanation of my plans to always have a base for them with me, I am hoping they will come to understand. The reason for doing it sooner is I dont know when I might get an interview or job - or just go to the course in November. But in the meantime it will show the kids that even together for a little while longer until plans are realised that life is still continuing amicably, visits are still happening, life is still progressing, and we are moving forward as friends with their best interests as our priority.
His view is that firstly I am the one driving this. That it's better to wait until I have definite news of plans and to do it shortly before I go.
I dont know when that could happen for the reasons I stated above. I don't want to be offered something and then the next week running to that opportunity without a decent period of time and calm with the kids seeing how actually, it wont be as terrible as he thinks it might go.
I am sorry for the length of this essay. We are trying to talk our way around this and I would seriously appreciate your views/feedback.
Thanks x
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 12, 2017 16:17:59 GMT -5
We are talking a few months difference here? It may not change things much at all for them
Now about YOU!
You have been struggling with this for quite a while.
You received support from family and friends.
You desperately need to know if you will receive a positive, or a negative response. The emotional limbo is highly stressful.
You will no longer have to skirt the issue.
You can be honest and open about it.
My crystal ball says, " Hell is coming to breakfast". Your spouse will try to win favoritism with the adult children. The crystal ball says the children will flock to what is true what is right, and can now confide in you the truth that they have seen all along. Not so much with your spouse.
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Post by merrygoround on Jun 12, 2017 16:44:03 GMT -5
Yes, as I thought it would develop during the conversation, he has said that he prefers to put it to the kids that this is their home and that they are free to go and visit me, but that this house is their home. So as not to give them ideas on disrupting their education.
WTF? I am the lesser parent now?
I have always said to him in our discussions on this subject that they should continue with the little time they have left here in their courses and whatever they decide after, that they know they will have a home base with either of us and are free to choose as they please. Surely it only expands their future opportunities??
He also doesn't understand my speed on this? He's totally in denial of the past and keeps asking what is driving me to this.
I have now told him I refuse to talk anymore on the subject of us, as that has come to an end and wish to remain amicable. Now we have to focus on the next, most important step, of speaking with the kids.
He seems fearful.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 12, 2017 17:16:20 GMT -5
He is fearful. Wait till the day when you refuse to speak with him and you say, "talk to my attorney about that."
Don't be to surprised if he catches up/on quickly. Do not drop your guard for a second when dealing with such a manipulative controller.
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Post by baza on Jun 12, 2017 18:41:43 GMT -5
I would be inclined to let cementhead say exactly what he proposes to the kids, that he - "prefers to put it to the kids that this is their home and that they are free to go and visit me, but that this house is their home"
It is a totally ridiculous proposition, unenforceable, and made from a position of weakness. Probably because he fears that if he can't *mandate* or *command* the kids to stay with him, they probably won't.
And he's probably right. They probably won't.
Newsflash for cementhead - the kids will do what they like.
For you, I'd be inclined to tell the kids that "both your doors are wide open for them" and leave it at that.
If pressed, you could say to cementhead - "your plan is unenforceable, so I will not endorse it, I'll trust the kids judgement".
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