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Post by warmways on Apr 20, 2017 18:02:16 GMT -5
Bottle of water without cap on kitchen counter..
Taker walks by accidentally knocking to floor, spilling water
A few minutes later..
Giver: steps into water wearing socks
Taker: oh I spilled that and meant to clean it up. I just washed my hands. Can you do it?
Giver: my socks are wet.
Taker: I just washed my hands can you get it?
Giver but you spilled it and I need to change my socks.
Giver halfway up stairs. Where is the water from?
Taker: you left your water bottle on the counter without a lid so it's your fault, will you clean it up?
We've talked about how so many of us are givers who are married to takers. It's a one way street.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 20, 2017 18:42:48 GMT -5
Giver fakes backache cleaning up water, sorry can't make dinner or do laundry, geez this could last for weeks.
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Post by petrushka on Apr 20, 2017 21:33:02 GMT -5
Giver fakes backache cleaning up water, sorry can't make dinner or do laundry, geez this could last for weeks. And that is going to last how long? ........ 5 minutes? because a) guilt and b) taker will NOT step up to the plate, so it ends up being an own-goal. |
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 20, 2017 22:52:06 GMT -5
Giver fakes backache cleaning up water, sorry can't make dinner or do laundry, geez this could last for weeks. And that is going to last how long? ........ 5 minutes? because a) guilt and b) taker will NOT step up to the plate, so it ends up being an own-goal. I know but maybe 2 days max. I really wasn't serious with my response though. My ex did nothing around the house and after my son was born and I was working full time and still doing everything around the house however it was tough to keep up the housework. I asked him if we could get a cleaning lady and he said no that he didn't want a stranger in our house. So one day he tells me the floor needs to be mopped and I said to him "so mop it". After that he suggested we get a cleaning lady. |
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Post by petrushka on Apr 21, 2017 0:02:09 GMT -5
{wipes tears of laughter from eyes}
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Post by warmways on Apr 21, 2017 17:57:41 GMT -5
Then later he said he was wrong and realized it wasn't my fault and he leaves the cap off his water bottles all the time.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 21, 2017 19:53:38 GMT -5
Giver vs taker
FIL = giver
W. = taker.
Fil asks my w. (his daughter) to come in his room and get the computer working. Fil is 85 yrs old, half deaf, half blind.
Taker = What is this sticky stuff all over the floor?
Giver = I don't know.
Taker = It looks like you spilled something? It's all over the floor. Can't you see it?
Giver = No, I didn't spill ,or have anything up here, that I can remember.
Taker = It's all on the floor, it's shiny looking it's under your desk. Now it's all stuck on my shoes. Hear it when I walk, squeak, squeak?
Taker = You need to mop it up. Go get the mop.
Taker = Goes straight to her room, plops on the recliner in front of her computer. Does nothing, (cleans her own shoes)
Giver = Old man goes down the other end of the house. Can't see well enough to get a mop ready. Has to ask one of the boys to help him.
Giver = mops his own floor. later reports in to tell the taker that he cleaned his floor.
The difference between my W. and me. I would have immediately gotten the mop myself, cleaned the floor and the desk. I would have asked the teens about who left something in FIL's room, and would have looked for clues if it was the dog.
Well, you heard what my W. did. It's going to be an interesting household with me gone, the kids with me half the time, my STBX gone at work during the day. Some hard lessons are going to be learned. Changes are coming.
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Post by csl on Apr 22, 2017 15:41:06 GMT -5
Bottle of water without cap on kitchen counter.. Taker walks by accidentally knocking to floor, spilling water A few minutes later.. Giver: steps into water wearing socks Taker: oh I spilled that and meant to clean it up. I just washed my hands. Can you do it? Giver: my socks are wet. Taker: I just washed my hands can you get it? Giver but you spilled it and I need to change my socks. Giver halfway up stairs. Where is the water from? Taker: you left your water bottle on the counter without a lid so it's your fault, will you clean it up? We've talked about how so many of us are givers who are married to takers. It's a one way street. No need to get in a swivet, here. Just go ahead and wipe up the water yourself. But use all the socks in his sock drawer to do so. |
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Post by warmways on Apr 22, 2017 18:38:12 GMT -5
Two years ago I would have cleaned up the water immediately without thinking. I never called him on his crap. Now I still do everything because I don't want to live in a messy house but obvious stuff he does like spilling the water that he knew I'd not question him on, I do. It's just that I'm more conscious and his unwillingness to exert energy isn't immediately smoothed over like before. After a long day at work I don't clean up all the dishes right away. Sometimes it's easier to end up cleaning the messes but if starts to blame me for his stuff, I can't let it go.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 22, 2017 19:05:26 GMT -5
Two years ago I would have cleaned up the water immediately without thinking. I never called him on his crap. Now I still do everything because I don't want to live in a messy house but obvious stuff he does like spilling the water that he knew I'd not question him on, I do. It's just that I'm more conscious and his unwillingness to exert energy isn't immediately smoothed over like before. After a long day at work I don't clean up all the dishes right away. Sometimes it's easier to end up cleaning the messes but if starts to blame me for his stuff, I can't let it go. Set some boundaries like you would for a child. Stop cooking for him. Tell him if he cleans the kitchen for a solid month ,without missing a day,no excuses, then you will start cooking for him. Also pack up all the bowls plates, cups, and get some cheep plastic colored ones. One cup, one bowl, and one plate, for each of you.Yours and his. That way it's clear who leaves their mess around. Keep yours in the bedroom so he won't use them. Don't expect this to save your marriage. Think of it as steps closer to separating yourself from years of abuse, and preparing yourself for logical boundaries with the next lucky person. |
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 22, 2017 22:29:21 GMT -5
Set some boundaries like you would for a child. Stop cooking for him. Tell him if he cleans the kitchen for a solid month ,without missing a day,no excuses, then you will start cooking for him. Also pack up all the bowls plates, cups, and get some cheep plastic colored ones. One cup, one bowl, and one plate, for each of you.Yours and his. That way it's clear who leaves their mess around. Keep yours in the bedroom so he won't use them. Don't expect this to save your marriage. Think of it as steps closer to separating yourself from years of abuse, and preparing yourself for logical boundaries with the next lucky person. You can also teach him not to bully women. To treat others the way he would like to be treated. Also, explain to him that when someone corrects him because he is wrong, that it not controlling behavior. Also see if he acts like a child and throws a tantrum when he is corrected. See if he personally attacks people and isn't man enough admit he was wrong. It's a very telling experiment. Oh, but please use small words, just to make sure he understands them. |
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Post by warmways on Apr 23, 2017 8:12:08 GMT -5
Thank you. I'm taking these responses to heart. I woke up at 5 this morning to take care of the dog after surgery, and clean up the downstairs area with the kitchen living room etc. I had to so we don't live like this and was too busy this week. It's a bind because the mess gets too big and it has to be picked up. He realizes I'll do it when I reach my threshold. I'm going to reverse my ways. I have a friend now who was bullied and divorced and she doesn't take anything off of anybody anymore so is a great role model.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2017 11:59:57 GMT -5
Once my W punched me in the face. My mouth was slightly open, & her knuckle hit my teeth, scratching it. She looked at the blood on on her knuckle, & said, "You bit me!"
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 24, 2017 12:12:44 GMT -5
Omg flashjohn - WTF?! I'm so glad you've gotten out. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 24, 2017 13:34:09 GMT -5
Omg flashjohn - WTF?! I'm so glad you've gotten out. Thank you Double G! It was back in 2004, and it was the last time she hit me. I told her that I would not hit her back, but if she ever did it again, she was going to jail. Since I was and still am a prosecutor, she knew that it was not an idle threat. |
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