Post by WindSister on Apr 13, 2017 12:55:29 GMT -5
So I have been happy with the fact I feel in my heart of hearts that I have come to a good, sound, mature place of acceptance when it comes to my husband's ex. I had to work through my own insecurities of never feeling good enough (in all I do in life, not just in relationships, it's something that plagued me all my life). I have also had to work through the grief and acceptance of not having my own children, which I did prior to meeting my husband, but was re-awakened upon meeting him. With that last challenge came my utter sadness and disgust that he had children with HER. Thinking of them together experiencing all that pregnancy entails and then raising kids, etc. used to make me physically ill. I can honestly say that it doesn't anymore. I went through the entire grief process with it all - it wasn't "just jealousy." But, now, here I am saying I am good with it all and really believing it.
The true test will be this Saturday at Step-granddaughter's 6th Birthday Party. It's usually just his two daughters, their husbands, the grandkids, us and his ex and her man at these "parties." These shin-digs have been something to get used to as a new wife, new step mom, new step-grandma. Sometimes others show up, like the parents of his daughter's husbands, but rarely, as they are simply not as supportive or involved with them, I guess. So we have this weird little tribe forming, I guess - there is no getting around it. She is here to stay. I am here to stay. Get along, we must.
The last party we had was in January. I don't know why I had issues, but I was super insecure during it so I was a little quiet. I was TRYING to be smiley and pleasant but I guess I didn't succeed as much as I thought I did in my own mind because one of his daughters asked in a text why I was so quiet afterwards. THEN ("to top it off beautifully," she says sarcastically), the ex wife posted a picture she snapped on facebook of the 2 year old opening gifts and she got the most ugly shot of me in the background, looking crabby. I WASN'T crabby, I was feeling uncomfortable, but feeling uncomfortable does not make one photogenic so there that is.... for all the world to see. Ugh. I could almost hear her and her friends laughing at how horrid I am but I recognize that is just insecurity in my own mind (maybe they did, maybe they didn't, right now I honestly don't care). Myself, I don't think I'd post ugly pictures of people on line, I'd crop them out, but what can ya do.
Like I said, I am at a good place with myself and the whole ex-factor, so I really don't care about that whole picture thing anymore. I know who I am and I know what I have had to overcome - I don't need to be uncomfortable around her, I belong in this family. I am here. I don't have to play small, or question my every move. I will be confident, genuine and loving. I will also SMILE, SMILE, SMILE!!! Genuinely this time, so it's not that "nervous smile" that makes me look like I am being tortured. (I can laugh at myself -- that is how I look when I am not feeling at ease in a social situation).
Side note - that same day, after the party, we went cross country skiing and we asked someone to snap a picture of us. I did post that one and my friends told me I was "glowing" - I responded, "Thanks, I only glow in my natural element".. Pretty sure no one would connect the two pictures and that comment but me, though I secretly hoped some would.
ANYWAY--- I will update here, if that's okay, on how Saturday goes down. I have tried to look at step parent boards for support/commiserating, but honestly they are all so negative, I couldn't stand it. I guess reading all the drama people have makes me realize how good I have it with my step daughters and even their mom, but that's as far as I will get involved in those boards. What we feed our minds does matter and reading that the ex should be referred to as "the enemy" is just not real helpful. So, I am forcing myself in on your space over here simply because of the fact I was here once (for two years) as I worked through my own SM and find myself where I am. And, we are never done learning and growing. And, this group feels safe to me.
((thanks for tolerating))
So --- on to another fun, joint family function! I think I am ready. lol
The true test will be this Saturday at Step-granddaughter's 6th Birthday Party. It's usually just his two daughters, their husbands, the grandkids, us and his ex and her man at these "parties." These shin-digs have been something to get used to as a new wife, new step mom, new step-grandma. Sometimes others show up, like the parents of his daughter's husbands, but rarely, as they are simply not as supportive or involved with them, I guess. So we have this weird little tribe forming, I guess - there is no getting around it. She is here to stay. I am here to stay. Get along, we must.
The last party we had was in January. I don't know why I had issues, but I was super insecure during it so I was a little quiet. I was TRYING to be smiley and pleasant but I guess I didn't succeed as much as I thought I did in my own mind because one of his daughters asked in a text why I was so quiet afterwards. THEN ("to top it off beautifully," she says sarcastically), the ex wife posted a picture she snapped on facebook of the 2 year old opening gifts and she got the most ugly shot of me in the background, looking crabby. I WASN'T crabby, I was feeling uncomfortable, but feeling uncomfortable does not make one photogenic so there that is.... for all the world to see. Ugh. I could almost hear her and her friends laughing at how horrid I am but I recognize that is just insecurity in my own mind (maybe they did, maybe they didn't, right now I honestly don't care). Myself, I don't think I'd post ugly pictures of people on line, I'd crop them out, but what can ya do.
Like I said, I am at a good place with myself and the whole ex-factor, so I really don't care about that whole picture thing anymore. I know who I am and I know what I have had to overcome - I don't need to be uncomfortable around her, I belong in this family. I am here. I don't have to play small, or question my every move. I will be confident, genuine and loving. I will also SMILE, SMILE, SMILE!!! Genuinely this time, so it's not that "nervous smile" that makes me look like I am being tortured. (I can laugh at myself -- that is how I look when I am not feeling at ease in a social situation).
Side note - that same day, after the party, we went cross country skiing and we asked someone to snap a picture of us. I did post that one and my friends told me I was "glowing" - I responded, "Thanks, I only glow in my natural element".. Pretty sure no one would connect the two pictures and that comment but me, though I secretly hoped some would.
ANYWAY--- I will update here, if that's okay, on how Saturday goes down. I have tried to look at step parent boards for support/commiserating, but honestly they are all so negative, I couldn't stand it. I guess reading all the drama people have makes me realize how good I have it with my step daughters and even their mom, but that's as far as I will get involved in those boards. What we feed our minds does matter and reading that the ex should be referred to as "the enemy" is just not real helpful. So, I am forcing myself in on your space over here simply because of the fact I was here once (for two years) as I worked through my own SM and find myself where I am. And, we are never done learning and growing. And, this group feels safe to me.
((thanks for tolerating)) So --- on to another fun, joint family function! I think I am ready. lol
