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Post by lessingham on Jan 24, 2020 4:06:42 GMT -5
A fanous female victorian socialite sat between Gladstone and Disraeli. (Titanic politicians from Victorian England for our US readers.) She was asked for her opinion. "After a few minutes conversation with Gladstone I was convinced I was sitting next to the most interesting man in the world. After a few minutes conversation with Disraeli, I was convinced he was sitting next to the most interesting woman in the world!" Good date advice right there.
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Post by carl on Jan 24, 2020 5:20:57 GMT -5
lessingham. That feels like a great piece of advice and I’ll take it on board. Just one thing though - what does it mean ?
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 24, 2020 10:25:46 GMT -5
It means that Gladstone told interesting stories starring himself. Disreli encouraged her to talk about herself and showed great interest in what she said. IMO too many men think dating is just a time to sell the woman on themselves by just talking about themselves. A great date also draws out the woman and shows interest in her by listening and commenting.
Back to the original question: if someone asked me out and said it was a practice date, I’d decline. I’m not interested in spending time on a date with a person tells me he who isn’t interested enough to take me seriously as a prospect. I also wouldn’t want to spend time with a man so insecure that he has to tell me he has to practice how to spend fun time with a date.
That being said, I consider all first or second dates to be opportunities only to see if one is a good fit with the other person. These are not high stakes events. One could even consider them practice.
Almost 7 years ago, when I went out for the first time with my post and lover, I hadn’t been out with anyone except my stbx in more than 35 years. I wasn’t considering my date to potentially the love of my life nor was I planning to fall in bed with him. He’d asked me out and I’d accepted because I thought he was a nice guy and would be a good opportunity to get experience (I.e. practice) after decades of not dating. I viewed it as low stakes and later learned he viewed our date in a similar way.
To my surprise, on the date I learned he and I had lots in common and he was an interesting person. Date ended by both of our choices at my door with a kiss on the cheek. Due to busy schedules and lack of desire in both of our parts to rush things, we had a few dates (3-4). over the next few months. We had our first real kiss on the 3rd date and I felt a powerful attraction to him but declined to go further then. I wasn’t ready yet and I also wanted him to be STD tested, something smart to do in these times (I had gotten std tested. Even though I hadn’t had sex in 8 years, my ex had been a cheater). Two dates later, after he had been tested, we had sex. Best sex ever!
We started as friends, real friends, with benefits and that turned into our becoming the loves of each others’ lives. Never would have happened if either of us had asked for a practice date. I can’t imagine wanting to date someone who told me I was only good enough for practice before dating a real prospect.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 24, 2020 10:56:40 GMT -5
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Post by carl on Jan 24, 2020 11:34:34 GMT -5
Thanks. I enjoyed reading that.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 24, 2020 11:53:51 GMT -5
The dating world (on line) can be a cruel place in this day and age. It's cruel enough how people will treat you as ,now single, and divorced.
Rejection and getting ghosted is highly probable once you put your whole foot into the dating pool. A good reason to have a year of healing and rebuilding your self esteem.
I was in need of a "practice date" (to help with my healing) with people I already knew for a while and had a surface friendship with. I saw it as "putting my toe into dating, instead of my whole foot", since it had been decades, and dating in your 50's is an entirely different ball game than dating right out of high school.
Here's an example of someone I often considered asking for a practice date. I will call her Linda. 1) Linda is the realtor who helped my W (now ex) and I buy and sell our home. She knew all my kids, my dog, she had seen our entire house, knew our finances, and had her own opinion about how my W( now ex) was a narcissist (manipulative controller).
2) Linda also went through a nasty divorce to a narcissist, and was in her 2nd year of healing.
3) Linda and I are the same age.
4) Linda and I saw each other at church almost every week and kept in touch on each others progress. More than just, "have a good day".
5) Linda was always there for me if I needed any help when it came to real estate regarding the divorce.
6) Linda was not in a situation to start another relationship.
7) Linda would be the kind to give me honest feedback, respect, communication, support, and not let it affect our friendship.
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Post by sadkat on Jan 24, 2020 12:00:28 GMT -5
It means that Gladstone told interesting stories starring himself. Disreli encouraged her to talk about herself and showed great interest in what she said. IMO too many men think dating is just a time to sell the woman on themselves by just talking about themselves. A great date also draws out the woman and shows interest in her by listening and commenting. Back to the original question: if someone asked me out and said it was a practice date, I’d decline. I’m not interested in spending time on a date with a person tells me he who isn’t interested enough to take me seriously as a prospect. I also wouldn’t want to spend time with a man so insecure that he has to tell me he has to practice how to spend fun time with a date. That being said, I consider all first or second dates to be opportunities only to see if one is a good fit with the other person. These are not high stakes events. One could even consider them practice. Almost 7 years ago, when I went out for the first time with my post and lover, I hadn’t been out with anyone except my stbx in more than 35 years. I wasn’t considering my date to potentially the love of my life nor was I planning to fall in bed with him. He’d asked me out and I’d accepted because I thought he was a nice guy and would be a good opportunity to get experience (I.e. practice) after decades of not dating. I viewed it as low stakes and later learned he viewed our date in a similar way. To my surprise, on the date I learned he and I had lots in common and he was an interesting person. Date ended by both of our choices at my door with a kiss on the cheek. Due to busy schedules and lack of desire in both of our parts to rush things, we had a few dates (3-4). over the next few months. We had our first real kiss on the 3rd date and I felt a powerful attraction to him but declined to go further then. I wasn’t ready yet and I also wanted him to be STD tested, something smart to do in these times (I had gotten std tested. Even though I hadn’t had sex in 8 years, my ex had been a cheater). Two dates later, after he had been tested, we had sex. Best sex ever! We started as friends, real friends, with benefits and that turned into our becoming the loves of each others’ lives. Never would have happened if either of us had asked for a practice date. I can’t imagine wanting to date someone who told me I was only good enough for practice before dating a real prospect. Bravo! I couldn’t agree with this more!
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Post by michael on Jan 25, 2020 12:11:50 GMT -5
Would you go out on a practice date with me? How does that sound? Anyone have experience with that? How did it go? Does it sound doable? Can a lot of good come out of it? Does it ease the tension of the I'm still in a SM? Would love some feed back! I think it's what's needed for me right now. Looking for that experience of just dating again, I meeen JEEEZ 25 yrs without dating? No commitment, more like "I need a friend", and I need some dating experience, and I could really use a moral boast by just relating one on one with someone of the opposite sex. I put this on a dating site a while back. No luck though. Girls don’t want to go on date a married man. It’s more depressing than being married with no sex. All I really wanted to know is if I was a man that someone would want to be with if I was available. I don’t even know that.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 25, 2020 13:35:46 GMT -5
Greatcoastal said: “Here's an example of someone I often considered asking for a practice date. I will call her Linda. 1) Linda is the realtor who helped my W (now ex) and I buy and sell our home. She knew all my kids, my dog, she had seen our entire house, knew our finances, and had her own opinion about how my W( now ex) was a narcissist (manipulative controller).”
Why not have just asked her to go out with you as a platonic friend? Then you could have asked for feedback about how potential romantic partners might view you? Seems she would have been a good person to cultivate as a friend. No need to call or view it as a practice date. It really is fine and a good idea to have women friends.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 25, 2020 13:40:02 GMT -5
Michael: “ I put this on a dating site a while back. No luck though. Girls don’t want to go on date a married man. It’s more depressing than being married with no sex. All I really wanted to know is if I was a man that someone would want to be with if I was available. I don’t even know that.”
What would have been in that for the women? They were looking for available romantic partners not a free meal with an unavailable insecure man.
Also divorce has to stand alone not depend on whether you think you can snag another partner, something that’s never guaranteed. If you aren’t sure you’d be happier single than married, stay married. But keep in mind all marriages end in death or divorce.
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Post by michael on Jan 25, 2020 22:23:53 GMT -5
Michael: “ I put this on a dating site a while back. No luck though. Girls don’t want to go on date a married man. It’s more depressing than being married with no sex. All I really wanted to know is if I was a man that someone would want to be with if I was available. I don’t even know that.” What would have been in that for the women? They were looking for available romantic partners not a free meal with an unavailable insecure man. Also divorce has to stand alone not depend on whether you think you can snag another partner, something that’s never guaranteed. If you aren’t sure you’d be happier single than married, stay married. But keep in mind all marriages end in death or divorce. I didn’t need to be told that. I knew that. I stated that in my post. Thanks. Just what I didn’t need to hear from someone else, and just the way I didn’t need to hear it. I might have a good reason to be insecure. Just so you know.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 25, 2020 22:44:05 GMT -5
Michael, work on becoming the type of person you enjoy spending time with. This means having the courage to get involved in activities that you like whether or not you have anyone with you. Become enjoyable and interesting to yourself. If you do these things, you won’t need an outside opinion to tell you that you could attract friends and partners. Instead of being willing to settle for whomever will tolerate you, you will be willing to let go of your unhappy marriage and set yourself free for whatever life holds. You’ll have the confidence to be contentedly single unless you find someone whom you enjoy being in a relationship with.
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Post by michael on Jan 26, 2020 4:47:24 GMT -5
Michael, work on becoming the type of person you enjoy spending time with. This means having the courage to get involved in activities that you like whether or not you have anyone with you. Become enjoyable and interesting to yourself. If you do these things, you won’t need an outside opinion to tell you that you could attract friends and partners. Instead of being willing to settle for whomever will tolerate you, you will be willing to let go of your unhappy marriage and set yourself free for whatever life holds. You’ll have the confidence to be contentedly single unless you find someone whom you enjoy being in a relationship with. I don’t think you know anything about me.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 26, 2020 4:49:44 GMT -5
Does the practice date nove onto the practice blow job? Just askin'
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 26, 2020 8:51:16 GMT -5
Does the practice date nove onto the practice blow job? Just askin' LOL!! I think the "practice blow job' comes after a real date, when you are ready to proceed to a commitment to have an ongoing relationship with another partner. The sex part needs 'practice' as well. A whole nother avenue of communicating with someone that"much of this is all new ground for me, again. I appreciate your confidence, desire trust, and patience in me, and I want to offer the same thing back to you." Things our refuser does not want and rejects, but can be highly valued by someone else, who is a giver and a receiver.
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