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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 13, 2017 9:04:35 GMT -5
Would you go out on a practice date with me? How does that sound? Anyone have experience with that? How did it go? Does it sound doable? Can a lot of good come out of it? Does it ease the tension of the I'm still in a SM?
Would love some feed back!
I think it's what's needed for me right now. Looking for that experience of just dating again, I meeen JEEEZ 25 yrs without dating? No commitment, more like "I need a friend", and I need some dating experience, and I could really use a moral boast by just relating one on one with someone of the opposite sex.
You may not be available to see that person very often, that's okay, it's just a practice. You may want to laugh and talk a bunch, that's okay, it's just practice. You don't want a one night stand, you want to reach a beginning level of intimacy again, that's okay, it's just a practice date. You may not find that person very attractive, that's okay, it's just a practice date. You may find that person extremely attractive, and they make you quite nervous, that's okay, it's just practice. Afterwards you can tell each other, how they did, and what you would sugest, because, it's just practice. You may end up with a very close friend, who you can tell just about anything too, because, it was just practice.
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Post by Copernicus on Apr 13, 2017 10:14:18 GMT -5
Just let me get my make-up on. I'll be ready in an hour...
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 13, 2017 10:50:19 GMT -5
This resonates for me. But I haven't tried it by saying these actual words. So far, each of the times that I thought it was a practice date, I've ended up naked in bed with the gentleman (that word is rather loosely applied here). One went horribly. One went pretty great. None gave feedback, really. My brain says this approach should work. But I'm not sure how people without the SM experience would actually take this sort of an invite. It seems & feels open & honest to me. But I'm not sure how rare open & honest IS in the actual dating world, and I guess I always chicken out instead of expressing it - because I figure it will be received in the wrong way (that is - I am afraid it will insult someone, I guess?)
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 13, 2017 11:03:06 GMT -5
Hi GeekGoddess are you worried, that you may worry to much, about worrying? (just kidding) I think a strong part of it is, " I am still married, and in a state of limbo, or confusion. I can't offer you what I would want to, if I was single again. I need confirmation that I am still capable of connecting with someone, after so many years of damage".
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Post by Dan on Apr 13, 2017 11:23:25 GMT -5
GC: are you asking for help from your friends on the forum, actually going on practice dates with you?
Or are you asking for advice "how do I ask a future female acquaintance to go on a practice date?"
Assuming the latter, my advice is:
- Join Meetup.com. Find things to do with people. Some of the people will be female. Practice making friends -- and chatting up women -- in this sort of "non-date" setting. Some of the females you meet will be your age. Some of them will be single. Some of them will be looking. You will find both candidate "practice date" friends this way, and -- some day -- candidate "dating" friends, too.
- Some (not all) of the meetups you go to should be "divorce support" or "50 and single" or "single parent but dating" sort of groups. In these sort of groups, ASK DIRECTLY about this idea of getting back in the dating pool. You will hardly be the only person with questions. It will be illuminating to hear the diversity of responses that you get. Float your idea about "practice dates" there, and see if it gets cheers or jeers.
- When you are ready to move on to a one-on-one type of outing... in most cases, don't ask a women expressly to be a "practice date". It is sort of like asking someone "I don't want to invite you to my dinner party, but can you come over and taste all the food, and tell me if it is good or awful?" Or kind of like asking a woman "will you be my crash-test dummy?" I think anyone who would enjoy spending one-on-one time with you would like to think "maybe we'll hit it off". To tell someone a priori "you're a test run" is just a bit insensitive/unappealing.
The one case where it would be OK to tip your hand "what I have in mind is a practice date" would be where you do have a genuine camaraderie with a female friend, and it has already been basically made clear that she is not interested in you. Maybe she is "not looking at this time" (which is code for "you're not my type"). Or maybe she actually is already attached, but would still "have a practice date with you" if it is an interest you share and she was just complaining that her boyfriend isn't interested in that particular movie/restaurant/band. THEN you could pitch a one-on-one outing as "don't worry, I'm not trying to start dating you".
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2017 11:33:16 GMT -5
I might consider it, but I KNOW Shamwow would do it for sure!
However, I suggest this:
The next time you are talking to a woman at church, ask her if she would mind answering a personal question. Then tell her that you are really nervous about dating and ask her if she would give you some tips about what she would want a man to behave on a date. As long as you are asking hypothetically, she will probably be happy to tell you.
I suggest the following: 1- Wear a suit. Few men wear well-fitting suits with a tie now, and if you do, you will stand out favorably. 2- Open doors, women love this. 3- Let her order first at a restaurant. 4- Get her talking. Ask about her life, her kids, her job, etc. Show interest. 5- At the end of the date, walk her to the door, thank her for a wonderful evening, and ask if you can call her again. Kiss her on the cheek.
Just my opinion.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 13, 2017 11:59:59 GMT -5
Part of me understands what you mean but the other part of me doesn't think a practice date is practical. I've gone out on 26 dates most first dates with no follow up, a few second dates some with sex, some without. After each date I write the man's name and what I learned from it. If I look at it this way then they are all practice dates until I find someone that I make a real connection with. My advice is to wait for your divorce to go through or don't wait, whatever you are comfortable with, get on a dating app and there will be opportunities for you to practice. I just believe in real life experience to learn something. Kind of like a job. How do I learn to do something - by doing it.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 13, 2017 12:08:18 GMT -5
I think practice dates are a bloody FABULOUS idea.
I would be more than happy to help out a friend in that respect.
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Post by Dan on Apr 13, 2017 12:12:38 GMT -5
If I look at it this way then they are all practice dates until I find someone that I make a real connection with. I think this is a good way to look at it! When I was doing job interviews, I would PURPOSELY go on the ones that I was not that interested in or felt I had little chance with FIRST... as it would allow me to "practice" for the interviews where I really did like the company and felt I had a decent shot. Just be honest with with whoever you are spending time with. Maybe not so honest as to call someone (to their face) a "practice date"... but if you don't think you are yet looking for a relationship, but really would like to invite a female friend to a particular place/event/evening, I think it is OK to find some way to tip your hand that you'd like to go to that with her as "just friends".
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 13, 2017 12:18:31 GMT -5
I also think we are who we are. I'm going to be myself and act myself. I want a man to be himself too. Being yourself should not take practice.
What I do think might need practice is being intimate with another person after being sex starved for so long. I reccomend finding a willing participant for that whether it means Ashley Madison, Tinder, a prostitute, etc.
I was much more prepared for the dating world because of outsourcing during my marriage. Even my confidence level is better today than where I was a year ago.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 13, 2017 12:39:28 GMT -5
If I look at it this way then they are all practice dates until I find someone that I make a real connection with. I think this is a good way to look at it! When I was doing job interviews, I would PURPOSELY go on the ones that I was not that interested in or felt I had little chance with FIRST... as it would allow me to "practice" for the interviews where I really did like the company and felt I had a decent shot. Just be honest with with whoever you are spending time with. Maybe not so honest as to call someone (to their face) a "practice date"... but if you don't think you are yet looking for a relationship, but really would like to invite a female friend to a particular place/event/evening, I think it is OK to find some way to tip your hand that you'd like to go to that with her as "just friends". That's more where my thoughts where. Like calling a company and asking " may I have 20 minutes of their time so I can learn more about the company". Not going in to apply for a job. I've had hundreds of surface relationships with married woman. Our kids went to school together, we go to the same church, the same gym, we surf at the same beach, the same grocery store etc... I have known woman who I help out. Painting their houses, mowing their lawns, teaching their kids, fixing their roof, helping them move, etc... it leads to sitting down and having lunch together, or a glass of tea on the back porch. Pure friendship with another woman. I am talking about bumping it up a level. Places, events, evenings, with those friends/that friend. This kind of reminds me of the nervousness of going to that first high school dance, and having your older sister say " so greatcoastal, how are you going to ask a girl for a dance? " She laughs! then says " pretend your at the dance, ask me, here's what you say". I guess I've been sheltered in a "safe, full of rejection" married environment with kids, for that long.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 13, 2017 12:47:08 GMT -5
I might consider it, but I KNOW Shamwow would do it for sure! However, I suggest this: The next time you are talking to a woman at church, ask her if she would mind answering a personal question. Then tell her that you are really nervous about dating and ask her if she would give you some tips about what she would want a man to behave on a date. As long as you are asking hypothetically, she will probably be happy to tell you. I suggest the following: 1- Wear a suit. Few men wear well-fitting suits with a tie now, and if you do, you will stand out favorably. 2- Open doors, women love this. 3- Let her order first at a restaurant. 4- Get her talking. Ask about her life, her kids, her job, etc. Show interest. 5- At the end of the date, walk her to the door, thank her for a wonderful evening, and ask if you can call her again. Kiss her on the cheek. Just my opinion. Thanks for that! You pretty much described my demeanor. Nobody wears a suit and tie here on beach-side in Fl. (maybe about 2 days in the winter) It's more like a dress shirt, khaki shorts, and flip flops!! Easter is this weekend. We'll see if I will be rubbing ants off of woman's legs again!!
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 13, 2017 12:48:10 GMT -5
I've had dates where: We left and no text or contact after We had sex then no text or contact after by one or the other or both A couple of men I went out with still contact me only one I respond to but that will probably end soon too
My point it's all practice all trial and error until you find the right one which I acknowledge may be never for me.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 13, 2017 13:26:05 GMT -5
If a man had approached me with that, I would have jumped on it. Something about that request seems innocent and sincere and softens the harsh realities of the Dating World.
I don't think you have to say it, though. Just hold that attitude in your own mind.
That makes it all less brutal FOR YOU.
It's all practice.
So lighten up and enjoy the journey.
I was sometimes good at that advise and sometimes bad. But that's all part of the journey, too. I had 40-some first dates. I lost count of the 2nds, 3rds and more dates, though I used to have the numbers memorized. I had three very different men as "FWBs" - yes kind of all at once, did that make me a slut? (I was super safe and nothing bad came of it). (oh god, and yes there were one night stands)
Lots of practice there.
Now, settled into a new marriage, happily, I can honestly say I don't want to go back to that lifestyle -- but I can also give the advise of "don't rush it." Enjoy it. Learn from it. Bring the lessons to the next relationship you find yourself in.
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Post by WindSister on Apr 13, 2017 13:29:16 GMT -5
I've had dates where: We left and no text or contact after We had sex then no text or contact after by one or the other or both A couple of men I went out with still contact me only one I respond to but that will probably end soon too My point it's all practice all trial and error until you find the right one which I acknowledge may be never for me. Ha.. I said the same thing as you only different.
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