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Post by lyn on Nov 28, 2016 21:04:06 GMT -5
Hi @smartkat and thanks for the welcome! You most certainly were never off-base expecting sex more than twice per year!
I don't know what is/was wrong with your H, but, I would think you would know his physical limitations..... What I mean is, he was probably able, just not willing. Of course no one could really know but him. I am sorry that you have gone through that as you certainly have every right to have an intimate and sexual relationship with your spouse.
It makes me so angry that this refusal situation is so common and never talked about in mainstream media etc. Until people really start talking about it, these controlling a-holes will just continue to prey on, and take advantage of kind, loving people like all of us.
Our current average is about every 18 months - I've decided that I will never ALLOW him to sleep with me again. Just trying to put myself into the best situation (physically and financially) possible to end this pathetic excuse for a marriage.
I'm angry today........ need to chill out as do some yoga or something lol.
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Post by lyn on Nov 28, 2016 21:08:29 GMT -5
Welcome trying! I'm new here too, well, I've been lurking for months. I'm not sure how reading all of these stories will affect you, but I know for me personally, I'm now facing reality that it's never going to change and the best thing I can do is take care of me and stop worrying/wondering why my H doesn't want me sexually. I hope you find comfort here! You deserve an intimate, sexual relationship with your spouse, plain and simple.
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Post by Dan on Nov 28, 2016 22:47:15 GMT -5
Welcome trying ! I'm new here too, well, I've been lurking for months. I'm not sure how reading all of these stories will affect you, but I know for me personally, I'm now facing reality that it's never going to change and the best thing I can do is take care of me and stop worrying/wondering why my H doesn't want me sexually. I hope you find comfort here! You deserve an intimate, sexual relationship with your spouse, plain and simple. Welcome, Lyn. So glad you found us! Good intro to your situation... and nice to see you already welcoming other newbies!
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Post by Mr. Positive on Dec 1, 2016 18:22:26 GMT -5
Hey everyone!!! I just found this place about 20 minutes ago. Did the new member registration and now I'm here. If you are new here, take a deep breath and relax. It looks like we finally found help.
One thing that made my day is knowing that women are dealing with this too. Woo Hoo! There is hope for me.
So a little about me. Not because I want to talk about myself but so others here can hopefully relate. I'm turning 40 and my wife of 10 years asked what do I want to do for my birthday. Thinking to myself, I said to myself, I would love to drive to Vegas and start off the trip with road-head. We can get a room and see how many times we can have sex before we have to come home. But I told her that Vegas sounds fun. Mainly because it's the best place for her to drink more than 2 drinks. Around drink 4+ is when there is a 10% chance that she gets horny. But this 40 thing is what gets me. I was laying in bed the other day because I was too frustrated to sleep because my wife of 10 years would rather sleep and doesn't even want a back rub. I was researching how often do normal people have sex in a marriage. I found that between 18-29years old, married people had sex 112 times a year, or a little over twice a week. Between 30-39, they had sex 86 times a year, or about seven times a month. I noticed the pattern already. The average marriage is going down hill fast. Every decade looses another 10-15%. So basically in a year or two I will be in a sexless marriage. First off I got jealous of the normal people. Second I got pissed at my high school sex ed teacher for lying to me that girls reach their peak at 30. My wife is no where near any peak. So yeah, I'm about to turn 40. So I thought to myself that I'm making our relationship the number 1 priority. Sorry kids. Sorry parents. Sorry friends. Sorry work(where I currently am). But my wife and I are number 1 until I fix this. Sorry moderator. I know this is supposed to be a quick reply but I'm pissed. Besides you wouldn't be here if you couldn't relate.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 1, 2016 20:29:23 GMT -5
Hi, Mr. Positive. Welcome. Here's more statistical food for thought... is your sexual drive average? Because that stat is loaded with a lot of sexless people... which means it's also loaded with a lot of highly-sexed people. For every sexless dude, statistically there's somebody getting laid at twice the average. I know which one I'd rather be.
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Post by Mr. Positive on Dec 2, 2016 11:17:01 GMT -5
Thanks DryCreek. I've given that a lot of thought. You know when you have a conversation with someone that you want to keep the conversation going. You tend to morph yourself to similar views to that person to keep the conversation going. To keep it relateable. I often wonder if most of my sex talks with friends are trying to relate to me because 90% of them have pathetic love lives and it's always the wives who come up with excuses. I do have one friend, an older female now in her late 60s, who told me 20 years ago that her and her husband made an agreement to have sex one night a week on a particular day. She said he looks forward to it because he gets to have sex. (That told me that she doesn't enjoy it so I still consider it a pathetic) Another friend told his wife before they got married that he gets too grumpy and nonfunctional if he goes more than a couple of days without sex. So they both admit they have sex to keep him satisfied. I also know for a fact that she has sex with him because he has cheated before and she wants to prevent it. I'm also not religious and have very few friends that are. I know from a few who are religious that most religions preach for the husbands and wives to have roles and it's important to satisfy the husband and to back him up on his ideas. Sorry but I want a wife who wants me just as bad as I want her. In every way. So far I don't know if I have ever meet a couple like that. I don't want a wife who is having sex to satisfy me. I don't want a wife who is having sex out of fear that I'll cheat on her, become nonfunctional, reduce the fighting, because a religious book tells her to, ect. I want to have so much damn good sex with her that we both communicate so well that I can make her squirt with just my tongue in under 5 minutes but we end up f*ucking longer and better than Sting and his wife does during their tantric sex. So to get back to your question... I think my sex drive is more than average. Because my aggression and frustration fades away just after we do have sex. It comes back within a couple of days. I think that's my sex drive. So if we are not the average, regardless of why people have sex, I think sexless people who have a sex drive tend to have more of a sex drive than people who do have sex on a regular basis. More proof that I think that my sex drive is more than average? About 3 weeks ago I was in the car by myself for a few hours so I was listening to audio interviews about bettering yourself and making your self more attractive. One of the interesting topics was on masturbation and watching porn by yourself. I guess there are scientific studies on how watching porn makes you less productive and makes you addictive to instant gratification. It also destroys your image of what a real relationship is. It will lead to connecting sexual gratification to being alone, isolation and voyeurism. "Porn essentially comes to replace natural, healthy sex. And what comes with sex is more than what comes with masturbation: courtship, touching, intimacy, smells, pheromones, and emotional connection, among other things. Masturbation skips all of these in favor of quickly triggering orgasm in a more direct way."-Trash Your Porn, Quit Masturbating and Crush Life-By Andrew Ferebee on July 18, 2013 Up until 3 weeks ago I was watching porn 2-3 times a day on average. Master bating .85 times a days on avg. You don't want to know where. So since then I've only masturbated 3 times and haven't watched any porn at all. So looking back at it I guess the studies were sort of right. I have become more productive with my time because I'm focused far more on results. That's why I found ILIASM.
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Post by Mr. Positive on Dec 2, 2016 11:27:32 GMT -5
BTW, I have great thoughts in the shower. Today's discussion with myself led to realizing that I need to become more positive about this whole thing. So I'm starting by changing my name here. So here is what led to this. I find it very common that people who want an intimate relationship and are married to someone who doesn't even want them touching them tend to get frustrated. This frustration leads to name calling(deniers, refusers, and much much worse.) It also leads to hiding things from our spouses. Leads to wanting relationships with anyone else who wants us. Basically it leads to separation. So to combat this problem I think it is vital to stay positive.
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Post by lwoetin on Dec 2, 2016 15:17:15 GMT -5
BTW, I have great thoughts in the shower. Today's discussion with myself led to realizing that I need to become more positive about this whole thing. So I'm starting by changing my name here. So here is what led to this. I find it very common that people who want an intimate relationship and are married to someone who doesn't even want them touching them tend to get frustrated. This frustration leads to name calling(deniers, refusers, and much much worse.) It also leads to hiding things from our spouses. Leads to wanting relationships with anyone else who wants us. Basically it leads to separation. So to combat this problem I think it is vital to stay positive. there hasn't been this much positivity here since... I can't remember. Hopefully your wife is the same way. Her peak may be just around the corner. Enjoy the forum and Vegas.
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Post by beachguy on Dec 2, 2016 18:34:23 GMT -5
Hey everyone!!! I just found this place about 20 minutes ago. Did the new member registration and now I'm here. If you are new here, take a deep breath and relax. It looks like we finally found help. One thing that made my day is knowing that women are dealing with this too. Woo Hoo! There is hope for me. So a little about me. Not because I want to talk about myself but so others here can hopefully relate. I'm turning 40 and my wife of 10 years asked what do I want to do for my birthday. Thinking to myself, I said to myself, I would love to drive to Vegas and start off the trip with road-head. We can get a room and see how many times we can have sex before we have to come home. But I told her that Vegas sounds fun. Mainly because it's the best place for her to drink more than 2 drinks. Around drink 4+ is when there is a 10% chance that she gets horny. But this 40 thing is what gets me. I was laying in bed the other day because I was too frustrated to sleep because my wife of 10 years would rather sleep and doesn't even want a back rub. I was researching how often do normal people have sex in a marriage. I found that between 18-29years old, married people had sex 112 times a year, or a little over twice a week. Between 30-39, they had sex 86 times a year, or about seven times a month. I noticed the pattern already. The average marriage is going down hill fast. Every decade looses another 10-15%. So basically in a year or two I will be in a sexless marriage. First off I got jealous of the normal people. Second I got pissed at my high school sex ed teacher for lying to me that girls reach their peak at 30. My wife is no where near any peak. So yeah, I'm about to turn 40. So I thought to myself that I'm making our relationship the number 1 priority. Sorry kids. Sorry parents. Sorry friends. Sorry work(where I currently am). But my wife and I are number 1 until I fix this. Sorry moderator. I know this is supposed to be a quick reply but I'm pissed. Besides you wouldn't be here if you couldn't relate. Your sex ed teacher was wrong. Women peak in their 40s. At least that's what I hear around here. That's normal women. Not our women. Our women usually died either the day after the wedding or a year or so later. Corpses are never revived.
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Post by ocleftwinger on Dec 3, 2016 2:45:07 GMT -5
Hello everyone. I found this group searching the internet and decided to join because google searches are the same old stuff anymore.
First off, I just want to put this out there... I still love my wife and family very much. The last thing I want to do is hurt them. We have been married 33 years. We have 3 adult children ages 26 (son), 24 (daughter) and 20 (daughter). Our youngest is still in school and our middle child is mildly autistic. Our son has had problems figuring out life but I feel he is on track now. But we provide them all with a roof over their heads.
I met her when I was in college. We worked together and I thought she was beautiful. She looked and acted older than her age (she was 19 I was 22). She was a tremendous lover and I was madly in love with her. She hurt my feelings initially because she wanted to be FWBs only and I wasn't wired that way. But after a six month hiatus, she decided that she wanted to be in an exclusive relationship because she missed the special way I treated her. When I graduated from college, we got married.
That said, my wife and I have not been intimate in almost 4 years. I am the high libido spouse in the relationship and pretty much always have been. We had 10 years together before having children and I found our sex life very satisfying. In fact, she would initiate sex herself many times. We had a very good and satisfying sex life for the first 10 years, or so I thought.
After the kids started coming she used to say she was too tired for sex, and it was me who always had to initiate or take her for getaways to have initimacy with her. We may have gone months without sex, but there was always sexual tension between us. I felt she used sex as a "control thing" after the kids were born. I think she resented that I could leave everyday and go to work while she stayed home to be a mom. In 2009, she was in a terrible car accident that left her in a wheelchair for six months, and she has been frigid ever since.
Since then we have had couple periods (a few months in 2011 and a few months in 2013) of sexual activeness but she has let it be known that sex does very little for her anymore. Her arthritis hurts her a lot. So even straight sex can be painful. But more than anything else, I don't enjoy feeling that it is just a "pity fuck" and therefore I no longer even ask and she seems ok with that. She doesn't have anymore desire and it hurts, but I do not hate her. I forgive her for feeling rejected.
A couple years ago I met a woman and had an affair. I was deeply in love with her but she had a lot of "luggage" and wanted me to leave my family and be with her. But I felt she was more interested in my money than in me. So I ended that. I'm fairly certain my wife knows that I cheated. But she has never brought it up.
I miss my wife. I know she will never be the same again.
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Post by petrushka on Dec 3, 2016 6:14:09 GMT -5
Hi OC, hope you find a comfortable place here.
best, -P.
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Post by lwoetin on Dec 4, 2016 2:30:41 GMT -5
Hello everyone. I found this group searching the internet and decided to join because google searches are the same old stuff anymore. First off, I just want to put this out there... I still love my wife and family very much. The last thing I want to do is hurt them. We have been married 33 years. We have 3 adult children ages 26 (son), 24 (daughter) and 20 (daughter). Our youngest is still in school and our middle child is mildly autistic. Our son has had problems figuring out life but I feel he is on track now. But we provide them all with a roof over their heads. I met her when I was in college. We worked together and I thought she was beautiful. She looked and acted older than her age (she was 19 I was 22). She was a tremendous lover and I was madly in love with her. She hurt my feelings initially because she wanted to be FWBs only and I wasn't wired that way. But after a six month hiatus, she decided that she wanted to be in an exclusive relationship because she missed the special way I treated her. When I graduated from college, we got married. That said, my wife and I have not been intimate in almost 4 years. I am the high libido spouse in the relationship and pretty much always have been. We had 10 years together before having children and I found our sex life very satisfying. In fact, she would initiate sex herself many times. We had a very good and satisfying sex life for the first 10 years, or so I thought. After the kids started coming she used to say she was too tired for sex, and it was me who always had to initiate or take her for getaways to have initimacy with her. We may have gone months without sex, but there was always sexual tension between us. I felt she used sex as a "control thing" after the kids were born. I think she resented that I could leave everyday and go to work while she stayed home to be a mom. In 2009, she was in a terrible car accident that left her in a wheelchair for six months, and she has been frigid ever since. Since then we have had couple periods (a few months in 2011 and a few months in 2013) of sexual activeness but she has let it be known that sex does very little for her anymore. Her arthritis hurts her a lot. So even straight sex can be painful. But more than anything else, I don't enjoy feeling that it is just a "pity fuck" and therefore I no longer even ask and she seems ok with that. She doesn't have anymore desire and it hurts, but I do not hate her. I forgive her for feeling rejected. A couple years ago I met a woman and had an affair. I was deeply in love with her but she had a lot of "luggage" and wanted me to leave my family and be with her. But I felt she was more interested in my money than in me. So I ended that. I'm fairly certain my wife knows that I cheated. But she has never brought it up. I miss my wife. I know she will never be the same again. welcome to the forum. We don't have many members here married 33yrs. Good to have your perspective. I hope you find some comfort here.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2016 16:06:51 GMT -5
ocleftwinger, my heart goes out to you. It sounds to me (to be blunt) like you always loved her more than she loved you. Sometimes that's how it is. But clearly, when you're left feeling more depleted than satisfied, and it's that way for a long time...you need to sit up and take stock of your situation. Physical health problems add a special wrench into the whole sexlessness issue - the refuser has what seems like a good excuse. My refuser also has health problems, including back pain that led to surgery and a dependence on prescription painkillers. But before you feel too guilty - there are people with quite serious health problems and disabilities who still want to have sex with their partners. In fact, some of them have come here because their "healthy" mate was the one refusing sex. That suggests to me that if they really wanted to, they could. Paralyzed people in wheelchairs have been known to have some kind of a sex life - so health problems *can* be gotten around. Anyway - welcome to our group.
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Post by ocleftwinger on Dec 4, 2016 20:05:56 GMT -5
ocleftwinger , my heart goes out to you. It sounds to me (to be blunt) like you always loved her more than she loved you. Maybe initially. But she did give me her whole heart after that and at one point I feel that she loved me more than I loved her. I think I changed a lot after graduating from college. I work in the technology field and I have ADHD too. So, it took a lot of concentration on my part to succeed. I know I became more introverted because of that. And I know I made her feel "shut out" too. I wasn't aware that was happening either because I felt that I was doing that for our collective benefit. She never refused me till after the kids came along.
Sometimes that's how it is. But clearly, when you're left feeling more depleted than satisfied, and it's that way for a long time...you need to sit up and take stock of your situation. Physical health problems add a special wrench into the whole sexlessness issue - the refuser has what seems like a good excuse. My refuser also has health problems, including back pain that led to surgery and a dependence on prescription painkillers. But before you feel too guilty - there are people with quite serious health problems and disabilities who still want to have sex with their partners. In fact, some of them have come here because their "healthy" mate was the one refusing sex. I don't feel guilty about the affair. It was a learning process in my life. I was an easy target actually. I lost a lot of weight to be in that relationship too. I wanted to impress my AP. I think she would have been ok with an FWB relationship initially, but then she started wanting more. I came to realize my wife is a much nicer person than my AP.
That suggests to me that if they really wanted to, they could. Paralyzed people in wheelchairs have been known to have some kind of a sex life - so health problems *can* be gotten around. It's not her physical problems that are my reason for forgiving her. It's that I can no longer satisfy her anymore. I used to be able to make her orgasm during foreplay regularly. Intercourse was my dessert. I don't want someone that just lies there waiting for me to finish. I am years past resenting her for lost libido. I honestly believe now, that her hormones are the reason and that the problem started after she started bearing children. And now it has been so many years, that the hormone problem is irreversible. I have a longtime female friend who is also in a SM. We have been talking about an FWB relationship. She proposed it to me several years ago and I declined because my kids were all still minors and I felt I was risking their happiness at home. But 100% celibacy has changed my mind and I recently told her that. She said she wants to, but she just ended a long term love affair and is still nursing a broken heart. I do not want her to fall in love with me either. I like her. But I probably wouldn't date her if I was single except for an FWB relationship. I think if I was single now, I couldn't see myself giving my heart to another woman like I have to my wife. Never again! Anyway - welcome to our group. Thank you.
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Post by lyn on Dec 4, 2016 20:47:23 GMT -5
ocleftwinger You sound like such a lovely, thoughtful person. Just wondering if your wife has spoken to her doctor about her lagging libido? There are many remedies for unbalanced or lacking hormones. This is true for both men and women. Just a thought, maybe she could try hormone replacement therapy.
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