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Post by shamwow on Jan 23, 2017 10:15:51 GMT -5
Thanks GC for the good advice.
My mind is open, my eyes are open, but my heart is also cut wide open right now. In addition to my hopes, it's essential I hear the advice that will keep my safe.
Most of our assets are not liquid, and she would need my permission to either draw against them or sell them. She knows nobody really out of state to move to. She could go to her mom, but her mom would smack her upside the head, send her back and tell her to work it out like an adult. I really love her mom.
My wife is a very pragmatic woman, not prone to emotional outbursts. I've given her a face-saving path to the other side. This path has the least damage to our children and also allows her to land on her own two feet financially.
If she wants to drain the bank accounts, fine. I make a very comfortable income and our accounts can be replenished with very little effort. And doing so would mark her as the "bad guy". I've known her for 20+ years, and I am willing to bet the ten grand or so at stake on it.
For the chance to cause the least damage to my kids and any future friendly relationship with my wife, I'm all in.
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Post by Carol on Jan 23, 2017 10:24:50 GMT -5
Very glad to see someone who is strong enough to realize to trust their feelings and intuition. Maybe I'll get there some day too. Prayers go out to you.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 23, 2017 10:30:02 GMT -5
Very glad to see someone who is strong enough to realize to trust their feelings and intuition. Maybe I'll get there some day too. Prayers go out to you. Thanks Carol. Honestly, I think some of that comes from reaching out to the ladies in the group via PM. My original letter was essentially a list of grievances. If I would have gone with that, I think I really would be needing legal counsel right now since both our backs would be up against the wall. Having some of the ladies look at what I was going to say and soften the edges helped considerably. Many of the things I thought were irrelevant or fluff turned out to be the pivotal parts of the conversation. |
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Post by lyn on Jan 23, 2017 10:42:38 GMT -5
shamwow. You have shown a tremendous amount of courage, strength, and, moreover, kindness. Everyone has their own story, unique unto them. Only you know the actual players and personalities involved (yours and your wife's). There is a lot of sorting out to do - it sounds like you're timeline will allow for everyone involved to ease into this new chapter of your lives in the most productive way possible. And, as you've mentioned, if you need to, you can get an attorney in short order - you know all of that. I hope even through this painful time, you can feel some sense of relief that you have firmly laid your cards on the table and the ball is now rolling..... It seems your direct, no b.s. approach is THE way to go in this situation. One day, I'll get to lay my own cards on my table - in the meantime, thank you so much for sharing your story and journey with us - it's inspiring for sure.. Sending positive thoughts to you and your family as you go through this life changing time.
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Post by cagedtiger on Jan 23, 2017 10:55:55 GMT -5
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts for sure. I'm glad you were able to make that first step- i know how hard it is. It sounds like your wife, while surprised, was able to stay level-headed about all of these things. It's good to hear you two have been able to discuss a way forward, and i hope it continues to work for you. Thanks CT. Any progress on your front? I was kind of hoping we were going to have synchronized announcements. About that... I'm about to bump my thread back to the top. |
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Post by shamwow on Jan 23, 2017 10:57:22 GMT -5
Thanks CT. Any progress on your front? I was kind of hoping we were going to have synchronized announcements. About that... I'm about to bump my thread back to the top. Dueling threads! Looking forward to it! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 23, 2017 11:07:32 GMT -5
Thanks GC for the good advice. My mind is open, my eyes are open, but my heart is also cut wide open right now. In addition to my hopes, it's essential I hear the advice that will keep my safe. Most of our assets are not liquid, and she would need my permission to either draw against them or sell them. She knows nobody really out of state to move to. She could go to her mom, but her mom would smack her upside the head, send her back and tell her to work it out like an adult. I really love her mom. My wife is a very pragmatic woman, not prone to emotional outbursts. I've given her a face-saving path to the other side. This path has the least damage to our children and also allows her to land on her own two feet financially. If she wants to drain the bank accounts, fine. I make a very comfortable income and our accounts can be replenished with very little effort. And doing so would mark her as the "bad guy". I've known her for 20+ years, and I am willing to bet the ten grand or so at stake on it. For the chance to cause the least damage to my kids and any future friendly relationship with my wife, I'm all in. Here's a thought for you, once you find the best attorney to fit your requirements and needs, ask that attorney to recommend one for your wife. Someone they have had experience with at reaching fair, even, workable agreements. You will be helping yourself, and will have gone above and beyond. Any thoughts about telling the children? In hindsight, now that things are being dragged out, it may have been better to mention it closer to the end. Still working through that, myself. |
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Post by LITW on Jan 23, 2017 11:31:48 GMT -5
I will say a prayer for you, brother Shammy. I hope things only get better for you as you move forward.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 23, 2017 12:00:54 GMT -5
Thanks GC for the good advice. My mind is open, my eyes are open, but my heart is also cut wide open right now. In addition to my hopes, it's essential I hear the advice that will keep my safe. Most of our assets are not liquid, and she would need my permission to either draw against them or sell them. She knows nobody really out of state to move to. She could go to her mom, but her mom would smack her upside the head, send her back and tell her to work it out like an adult. I really love her mom. My wife is a very pragmatic woman, not prone to emotional outbursts. I've given her a face-saving path to the other side. This path has the least damage to our children and also allows her to land on her own two feet financially. If she wants to drain the bank accounts, fine. I make a very comfortable income and our accounts can be replenished with very little effort. And doing so would mark her as the "bad guy". I've known her for 20+ years, and I am willing to bet the ten grand or so at stake on it. For the chance to cause the least damage to my kids and any future friendly relationship with my wife, I'm all in. Here's a thought for you, once you find the best attorney to fit your requirements and needs, ask that attorney to recommend one for your wife. Someone they have had experience with at reaching fair, even, workable agreements. You will be helping yourself, and will have gone above and beyond. Any thoughts about telling the children? In hindsight, now that things are being dragged out, it may have been better to mention it closer to the end. Still working through that, myself. Excellent advice on asking one attorney for a recommendation for one for my wife. As far as the kids go, we are hopefully a year out from them letting them know we are getting a divorce. I don't think it will be as much a surprise to them, though. My wife and I do more vacations with the kids separately than together. They also live in the house and can see we don't have a healthy marriage. No knock down drag out fights (not my style or my wife's), but we tend to ignore each other even when we are in the same room, even at the same dinner table. They have enough friends to see how various marriages work (and don't work). Our kids are pretty smart. And if my wife and I are smart, we will steer our relationship towards obvious friendship over the next year. When we announce, it will hopefully be concern, and nervousness on what happens next (which the two of us can address) rather than shock, fear, and anger (at least that is my hope). |
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Post by shamwow on Jan 23, 2017 12:02:22 GMT -5
I will say a prayer for you, brother Shammy. I hope things only get better for you as you move forward. Please also include my wife in those prayers, LITW. She just got a bomb dropped on her yesterday. |
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Post by LITW on Jan 23, 2017 12:11:23 GMT -5
I will say a prayer for you, brother Shammy. I hope things only get better for you as you move forward. Please also include my wife in those prayers, LITW. She just got a bomb dropped on her yesterday. Will do. Having been through that process once already, I know how hard it is, and will be for both of you. |
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Post by shamwow on Jan 23, 2017 12:21:24 GMT -5
Please also include my wife in those prayers, LITW. She just got a bomb dropped on her yesterday. Will do. Having been through that process once already, I know how hard it is, and will be for both of you. Yup. I'm not the only one who had the worst day of my life yesterday. And I knew it was coming... |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 23, 2017 14:38:58 GMT -5
In the state of Florida the law used to be, if you were married for 17 yrs or longer you would receive/or pay alimony for life. That was changed recently to 20 yrs or longer. You mentioned "going on 20 yrs?" When you file, and when the final divorce happens, might make a big difference in your payments. Just something to ask an attorney about, soon, real soon.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 23, 2017 15:07:01 GMT -5
Texas does not have spousal support except in extreme cases where the supported spouse has no capacity to earn an income.
While her income may not be what she is accustomed to, she has a masters degree and years of work experience. That should not apply in my case.
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Post by shamwow on Jan 23, 2017 15:46:50 GMT -5
In Texas,
The court can order spousal maintenance if the spouse seeking support will not have enough property at the time of the divorce to provide for basic needs and one of the following circumstances exists:
- one spouse is convicted of committing family violence against the other spouse or the other spouse’s child during the marriage, if the violence occurred during the divorce proceedings or within two years before the filing of the divorce action
- the spouse seeking support is unable to earn enough income to provide for basic needs because of a physical or mental disability
- the spouses were married for ten years or longer, and the spouse seeking support is unable to earn enough income to provide for basic needs, or
- the spouse seeking support has custody of a child of the marriage who requires special care and supervision because of a mental or physical disability, preventing the custodial spouse from earning enough income for basic needs.
None of those apply to my case. I should have been more specific on state requirements.
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