|
|
Post by shamwow on Jan 23, 2017 8:36:30 GMT -5
Sunday was the hardest day of my life (so far). After almost 20 years of marriage, I told my wife I no longer love her and we will be getting a divorce.
Our marriage has been on the downward path for about 13 years now. Like a frog being boiled alive, though, I didn't consciously realize it until the past few years. Our marriage was mostly sexless from the beginning (not my choice), but there was always love. However, over time, my love for her also faded and eventually died.
So I found myself, letter in hand, going into our bedroom yesterday morning. The letter was only about 3/4 of a page long. Some of you have helped me tune it so that, although the message was clear, the blow to her was lessened as much as possible. For those of you who helped, you have my eternal thanks for seeing things I had blinders to.
I had rehearsed the letter almost to memorization, so I figured there would be no problem reading it. Christ, that couldn't have been further from the truth. I started breaking down in the first sentence. It took me almost 15 minutes to choke out the entire thing with halting pauses all along the way.
She was shocked, had no idea this was coming. She asked if we could resolve this, and I said categorically "no". I had suffered too much pain to ever love her again. This might be cruel, but giving her hope would have been worse. She needs to understand this isn't just another talk like we've had over the years. Yes, she knew our marriage was in trouble, but had no idea that this particular morning I would announce it was ending. We talked and sat in silence. Then talked some more. I asked her if she needed a hug. It turns out that we both did. It was the first real hug we had given each other in years.
I had rehearsed the post-talk in my mind as well, but none of that came to mind. I told her that I had some thoughts, and between the two of us, came to the following agreements, at least for the short term.
- We both agree the number one priority is the kids. Neither of us will use them as a weapon. In any case, they are old enough to see if mom or dad was using them that way and would probably call literal bullshit themselves.
- For the immediate future, things remain exactly as they are now (essentially, roommates successfully raising kids together)
- We targeted a final separation time towards the beginning of the summer, 2018. This is for a variety of reasons I won't go into, but mainly involve kids, housing, her needing to start a career, and finances. It's hard to unwind 20 years together overnight.
- I told her the close friends / family I had discussed this with, she told me who she was going to talk with. This is mainly to prevent this from getting out and spiraling out of control until we are ready to announce this to everyone.
- We defined boundaries. We will continue to sleep in the same bed and won't touch each other (no change from now). If one of us needs a hug, the other will be there for them. Neither of us would freak out if we saw the other undressed, but wouldn't prance around naked either.
- I came into this "unarmed" (no lawyer) and I don't plan on getting one. Lawyers thrive on conflict, not resolution. Our main focus is on the kids, and starting a shooting war in our home is not the way to best serve that goal.
Now, if anyone is going to flame me for the year and a half timeline (or not lawyering up), please refrain. You don't know me, you don't know my wife, you don't know our situation, or the eventual outcome I desire. If your desired outcome is different, then feel free to choose different tactics.
My goal is in two years we can still break bread with our respective families at holidays, birthdays, and other events. Talking with my wife yesterday, I think there is an extremely viable path forward. It is going to be tough. I have been angry SO long. To make this work I will have to help her work her way through her own anger (that she doesn't even know she has yet) as well as put my own aside.
By the end of the conversation, we had even laughed a few times, and then got down to the "business" of the day, taking care of our kids.
Now the hard work begins.
I'm not a "religious" man, but if any of you out there are, say a prayer for us. The good lord knows who ol' shammy is.
|
|
|
|
Post by jim44444 on Jan 23, 2017 8:54:59 GMT -5
Good luck with the process. Do not let the timeline slip unless the law or catastrophe intervenes. If you find you need a lawyer in the future (or she does) then put your ego on the shelf and get the best you can. Remember that judges are lawyers and like to screw those who represent themselves. My friend, a judge, gave me that advice.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2017 9:08:45 GMT -5
Good job Shammy!! You executed this beautifully. I have a good feeling this will be an amicable divorce with bridges intact. Kudos!!
|
|
|
|
Post by novembercomingfire on Jan 23, 2017 9:12:43 GMT -5
Sunday was the hardest day of my life (so far). After almost 20 years of marriage, I told my wife I no longer love her and we will be getting a divorce. Our marriage has been on the downward path for about 13 years now. Like a frog being boiled alive, though, I didn't consciously realize it until the past few years. Our marriage was mostly sexless from the beginning (not my choice), but there was always love. However, over time, my love for her also faded and eventually died. So I found myself, letter in hand, going into our bedroom yesterday morning. The letter was only about 3/4 of a page long. Some of you have helped me tune it so that, although the message was clear, the blow to her was lessened as much as possible. For those of you who helped, you have my eternal thanks for seeing things I had blinders to. I had rehearsed the letter almost to memorization, so I figured there would be no problem reading it. Christ, that couldn't have been further from the truth. I started breaking down in the first sentence. It took me almost 15 minutes to choke out the entire thing with halting pauses all along the way. She was shocked, had no idea this was coming. She asked if we could resolve this, and I said categorically "no". I had suffered too much pain to ever love her again. This might be cruel, but giving her hope would have been worse. She needs to understand this isn't just another talk like we've had over the years. Yes, she knew our marriage was in trouble, but had no idea that this particular morning I would announce it was ending. We talked and sat in silence. Then talked some more. I asked her if she needed a hug. It turns out that we both did. It was the first real hug we had given each other in years. I had rehearsed the post-talk in my mind as well, but none of that came to mind. I told her that I had some thoughts, and between the two of us, came to the following agreements, at least for the short term. - We both agree the number one priority is the kids. Neither of us will use them as a weapon. In any case, they are old enough to see if mom or dad was using them that way and would probably call literal bullshit themselves. - For the immediate future, things remain exactly as they are now (essentially, roommates successfully raising kids together) - We targeted a final separation time towards the beginning of the summer, 2018. This is for a variety of reasons I won't go into, but mainly involve kids, housing, her needing to start a career, and finances. It's hard to unwind 20 years together overnight. - I told her the close friends / family I had discussed this with, she told me who she was going to talk with. This is mainly to prevent this from getting out and spiraling out of control until we are ready to announce this to everyone. - We defined boundaries. We will continue to sleep in the same bed and won't touch each other (no change from now). If one of us needs a hug, the other will be there for them. Neither of us would freak out if we saw the other undressed, but wouldn't prance around naked either. - I came into this "unarmed" (no lawyer) and I don't plan on getting one. Lawyers thrive on conflict, not resolution. Our main focus is on the kids, and starting a shooting war in our home is not the way to best serve that goal. Now, if anyone is going to flame me for the year and a half timeline (or not lawyering up), please refrain. You don't know me, you don't know my wife, you don't know our situation, or the eventual outcome I desire. If your desired outcome is different, then feel free to choose different tactics. My goal is in two years we can still break bread with our respective families at holidays, birthdays, and other events. Talking with my wife yesterday, I think there is an extremely viable path forward. It is going to be tough. I have been angry SO long. To make this work I will have to help her work her way through her own anger (that she doesn't even know she has yet) as well as put my own aside. By the end of the conversation, we had even laughed a few times, and then got down to the "business" of the day, taking care of our kids. Now the hard work begins. I'm not a "religious" man, but if any of you out there are, say a prayer for us. The good lord knows who ol' shammy is. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. You have approached this (Including in sharing it with us) with remarkable patience, caring and poise. I would not deign to offer any comments, but you certaibly have my thoughts of support. |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jan 23, 2017 9:17:57 GMT -5
Thanks, all. Another tough thing yesterday was telling my parents. My dad already knew, but I didn't have anything rehearsed for my mom. I had to think of it on the way driving there.
How in the hell do you ladies drive while crying? That shit is dangerous!!!
|
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jan 23, 2017 9:20:11 GMT -5
Let the healing begin! You have lifted a huge burden off of both your shoulders, (she may not realize that yet) and for the family as well. It's such a mixed bag isn't it? I want to say, CONGRATULATIONS, you did it!!! Then immediately follow it up with , I'm sorry you are going through the worst time in your life. What it says is that big changes are coming. As you can testify, those changes don't go smoothly. Big ones never do.
Don't dwell on it now but be open to making your plan flexible for change.
No plan on getting a lawyer? I say this with respect, and as friendly advice. Think about buying a house, with out using a realtor. Your going to discover the contracts that have to be written, the correct legal forms that have to be used, the notarization that has to be done, the witnesses that need to be present, etc...a whole lot of headache, time, hassle, frustration, this could have been eliminated by using a realtor.
Reaching, and keeping that two year time limit, also includes an attorney. Drawing up the paper work and reaching agreements, you will sleep much better knowing that is already taken care of. It will be a great help in your financial decisions over the next two years, and emotional approaches towards children, discipline, activities, and family interactions.
Just a suggestion, Find a lawyer who specializes in collaborative law. I think you would be pleased with that approach. Happy to send you more info. at the right time.
Prayers for you and your family, that healing, new bonding, new joy, and strong, steady people will come into your life to give you the guidance, hope, and mentoring that you need. Time to start asking, and taking.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jan 23, 2017 9:26:09 GMT -5
Good job! I know how difficult announcing the D word is, and it sounds like you and your wife will come out of this ok. There is life after divorce and life goes on.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jan 23, 2017 9:32:34 GMT -5
I absolutely plan on getting a lawyer, but I will get one once we have a firm idea of what both my wife and I want.
That could be next week, next month, or even the beginning of next year. However, I will not allow either of us to drag our feet. In my experience, lawyers are great to draft documents where both sides agree on the major points. My wife and I just started the conversation, and gave ourselves plenty of time to figure out what comes next.
Now that the fear, anxiety, and trepidation of the event has passed, she needs some time to come to grips with this. Don't worry, if she were to decide to "go nuclear" on me, I have all of the paperwork the lawyer is going to ask for (deeds, financial statements, birth certificates, etc...). Just because I haven't retained the services of one doesn't mean that I don't have my ducks in a row.
My goal is over the holidays almost two years from now, we will all still be able to sit around the same table and celebrate the holidays together. From our conversation yesterday, there is a VERY viable path to that goal. The only non-negotiable item is the kids, and in my state, I have to be an egregious father to get anything other than co-custody. And I'm an amazing father (false modesty aside).
Everything else is just stuff.
|
|
|
|
Post by tamara68 on Jan 23, 2017 9:38:01 GMT -5
I think it is remarkable how quickly your wife was cooperative and excellent you have been able to agree on how to proceed.
Getting things rolling is the hard part. Both of you have a goal and you will succeed when you keep that in mind.
|
|
|
|
Post by bballgirl on Jan 23, 2017 9:42:35 GMT -5
What you describe for your family is possible.
My divorce is an example of what you describe.
We spent the kids birthdays together, Christmas, sporting events, etc.
Sometimes on a Friday night when I have the kids he will ask if we want to go to dinner.
We are friends, we are co parents, we just aren't lovers but we never were.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jan 23, 2017 9:51:44 GMT -5
What you describe for your family is possible. My divorce is an example of what you describe. We spent the kids birthdays together, Christmas, sporting events, etc. Sometimes on a Friday night when I have the kids he will ask if we want to go to dinner. We are friends, we are co parents, we just aren't lovers but we never were. I wouldn't say we were NEVER lovers, but we haven't really been for the past decade. What I'm working towards isn't possible in all situations. It isn't, but if you have the right conditions and both are agreeable, I know it can be done. |
|
|
|
Post by cagedtiger on Jan 23, 2017 9:51:58 GMT -5
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts for sure. I'm glad you were able to make that first step- i know how hard it is. It sounds like your wife, while surprised, was able to stay level-headed about all of these things. It's good to hear you two have been able to discuss a way forward, and i hope it continues to work for you.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jan 23, 2017 9:53:52 GMT -5
I think it is remarkable how quickly your wife was cooperative and excellent you have been able to agree on how to proceed. Getting things rolling is the hard part. Both of you have a goal and you will succeed when you keep that in mind. Thanks tamara. It's early, of course, but the first thing I said after I read the letter was that my highest priority was the kids. I know that's her highest priority. When you both have the same end goal and everything else is negotiable, there are many paths to get there. I'm sure we will find ours. |
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jan 23, 2017 9:58:44 GMT -5
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts for sure. I'm glad you were able to make that first step- i know how hard it is. It sounds like your wife, while surprised, was able to stay level-headed about all of these things. It's good to hear you two have been able to discuss a way forward, and i hope it continues to work for you. Thanks CT. Any progress on your front? I was kind of hoping we were going to have synchronized announcements. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jan 23, 2017 9:59:51 GMT -5
I absolutely plan on getting a lawyer, but I will get one once we have a firm idea of what both my wife and I want. That could be next week, next month, or even the beginning of next year. However, I will not allow either of us to drag our feet. In my experience, lawyers are great to draft documents where both sides agree on the major points. My wife and I just started the conversation, and gave ourselves plenty of time to figure out what comes next. Now that the fear, anxiety, and trepidation of the event has passed, she needs some time to come to grips with this. Don't worry, if she were to decide to "go nuclear" on me, I have all of the paperwork the lawyer is going to ask for (deeds, financial statements, birth certificates, etc...). Just because I haven't retained the services of one doesn't mean that I don't have my ducks in a row. My goal is over the holidays almost two years from now, we will all still be able to sit around the same table and celebrate the holidays together. From our conversation yesterday, there is a VERY viable path to that goal. The only non-negotiable item is the kids, and in my state, I have to be an egregious father to get anything other than co-custody. And I'm an amazing father (false modesty aside). Everything else is just stuff. Great to hear friend, great to hear! Remain open minded as you gain ground, and move foward. You have a lot of leg work ahead of you. Your ducks are in a row? Well without knowing all your details, I'd say the last one is wandering a bit. Having the papers served, and assets frozen helps both of you. Life goes on, spending goes on, freedom to spend, and control your own spending is still there, but if it gets out of hand, you are much better off with the law on your side. Lets say your wife gets crappy advice from a manipulative, friend, or relative. She pulls all your money, and takes the kids out of state. Your prepared for the worst with the law on your side. Look back on what you learned from your season on here. Your in the advanced class now, chapter one, gaining ground, by using the law to it's fullest potential, and to your advantage. Not all attorneys are money hungry thieves. Several are better than therapists! They have seen it all before and will ease your fears. Like paying for a mentor. By the time I hired my attorney I went in saying, "your the 4th attorney I have met with, I don't need an introductory speech, I have specific questions. That helps everyone. Hope you and your mom have a really nice meal together. Time for taking, and healing. Change is coming. |
|
