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Post by rejected101 on Jan 6, 2017 16:28:15 GMT -5
So there are many people on this site who are in very unhappy marriages full stop. Forget sex, there are a host of other significant issues that seem to be a destroying the relationship. Thankfully that isn't me (yet). The ONLY issue in my marriage is the intimacy although I can see how over the next 10 years this issue could lead to another and then that could lead to another and so on.
Without further ado I wanted to share an idea as per the title. If I were the one with the lower sex drive (and I've tried to be completely honest to myself about this) I would never dismiss my wife in the manner I am dismissed. I would look at it and think....
....hmm, you married her, fancy her, think she's kind, funny and a nice person. One day someone else will think the same but they may offer the physical relationship she craves. What are you doing to stop her from going?
It's simply not enough to consider yourself perfect or even plenty good enough to rule out the appeal of others. It borders on arrogance and at the very least is the definition of complacency.
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jan 6, 2017 16:32:05 GMT -5
So there are many people on this site who are in very unhappy marriages full stop. Forget sex, there are a host of other significant issues that seem to be a destroying the relationship. Thankfully that isn't me (yet). The ONLY issue in my marriage is the intimacy although I can see how over the next 10 years this issue could lead to another and then that could lead to another and so on. Without further ado I wanted to share an idea as per the title. If I were the one with the lower sex drive (and I've tried to be completely honest to myself about this) I would never dismiss my wife in the manner I am dismissed. I would look at it and think.... ....hmm, you married her, fancy her, think she's kind, funny and a nice person. One day someone else will think the same but they may offer the physical relationship she craves. What are you doing to stop her from going? It's simply not enough to consider yourself perfect or even plenty good enough to rule out the appeal of others. It borders on arrogance and at the very least is the definition of complacency. I would do anything within my power to provide that which she craves. And i would accept giving her as many whore cards as she wanted or needed. Therein lies the problem. I already do. She simply craves anything but sex. And she counts on the fact that i would give her this if she wanted it. And so it goes. |
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Post by sunniedays on Jan 6, 2017 17:05:22 GMT -5
"So there are many people on this site who are in very unhappy marriages full stop. Forget sex, there are a host of other significant issues that seem to be a destroying the relationship. Thankfully that isn't me (yet). The ONLY issue in my marriage is the intimacy although I can see how over the next 10 years this issue could lead to another and then that could lead to another and so on.
Without further ado I wanted to share an idea as per the title. If I were the one with the lower sex drive (and I've tried to be completely honest to myself about this) I would never dismiss my wife in the manner I am dismissed. I would look at it and think....
....hmm, you married her, fancy her, think she's kind, funny and a nice person. One day someone else will think the same but they may offer the physical relationship she craves. What are you doing to stop her from going?
It's simply not enough to consider yourself perfect or even plenty good enough to rule out the appeal of others. It borders on arrogance and at the very least is the definition of complacency."
Rejected101:
You don't mention the manner in which you were/are dismissed. No one who truly loves someone should ever treat them rudely or with disrespect.
Is it the fact that your wife refuses you which causes your unhappiness, or is it the way she goes about refusing you?
You say that your marriage isn't unhappy full stop; that the only issue is the intimacy, yet you close your post by stating her behavior borders on arrogance. Is she aware that you consider her borderline arrogant?
When you put yourself in her position, as you say you have, what solutions have you come up with? How do you think YOU would change yourself, if you were the refuser?
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Post by baza on Jan 6, 2017 17:08:31 GMT -5
It would seem that on reflection, you assess your marriage as being - "not too bad" Brother rejected.
Fair enough.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 6, 2017 17:24:04 GMT -5
If arrogance and complacency are full blown issues,(which lead to many other issues, and other tittles) then the ONLY issue is not just intimacy.
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 6, 2017 17:31:38 GMT -5
"So there are many people on this site who are in very unhappy marriages full stop. Forget sex, there are a host of other significant issues that seem to be a destroying the relationship. Thankfully that isn't me (yet). The ONLY issue in my marriage is the intimacy although I can see how over the next 10 years this issue could lead to another and then that could lead to another and so on. Without further ado I wanted to share an idea as per the title. If I were the one with the lower sex drive (and I've tried to be completely honest to myself about this) I would never dismiss my wife in the manner I am dismissed. I would look at it and think.... ....hmm, you married her, fancy her, think she's kind, funny and a nice person. One day someone else will think the same but they may offer the physical relationship she craves. What are you doing to stop her from going? It's simply not enough to consider yourself perfect or even plenty good enough to rule out the appeal of others. It borders on arrogance and at the very least is the definition of complacency." Rejected101: You don't mention the manner in which you were/are dismissed. No one who truly loves someone should ever treat them rudely or with disrespect. Is it the fact that your wife refuses you which causes your unhappiness, or is it the way she goes about refusing you? You say that your marriage isn't unhappy full stop; that the only issue is the intimacy, yet you close your post by stating her behavior borders on arrogance. Is she aware that you consider her borderline arrogant? When you put yourself in her position, as you say you have, what solutions have you come up with? How do you think YOU would change yourself, if you were the refuser? The only thing I think I can say is I would look to discuss it without getting defensive and find an honest compromise. I have had my discussions and I no longer feel welcome to bring up the same old subject as I know it would be referred to as. If she wants the heating set at 16 and I want it at 24, 20 becomes the temperature that keeps us both happy. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 6, 2017 17:57:47 GMT -5
Take your example of compromising at 20. You are dealing with a arrogant,complacent partner. What's going to happen? The setting will not be changed, due to her complacency. The setting will be switched back due to her complacency and arrogance to even acknowledge that any compromise was reached at all. The setting will be forgotten about time and time again due to her complacency. The setting will be switched back when ever she wants it due to her arrogance. Your compromise will mean nothing, meaningless words, over-ridden by her actions.
Only one of you will be happy.
You, on the other hand have been trained that being a strong male is one who can compromise and keep the peace by constantly caving, giving in, remaining complacent, all in the name of being strong and able to take it like a man.
She knows this and uses it against you every chance she gets.
She remains happy.
She calls your discussions as the same old subject. She has totally avoided anything you say as relevant, reversing it and making YOU the offender.
She remains in control, and happy.
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Post by sunniedays on Jan 6, 2017 18:39:01 GMT -5
But you can't compare a compromise on a thermostat with a compromise with sex. You want sex five times a week. She wants sex once a week. You use your logical brains to compromise at three times a week. It's wonderful in theory. It's the very definition of compromise. And it works wonderfully when you're deciding how many times a week you're deciding to eat Mexican food for dinner. But now you know she only wants sex once. Actually had to use your best arguments to convince her to agree on three times a week. You KNOW those other two times -- she doesn't really want to do it. You actually want to have sex -- the most intimate personal act two people can do -- you want to engage in sex, knowing if she were king it would only be once a week? I'm not saying either position is wrong. You're not wrong to want what you want. But you can't make someone want something they don't want. Desire is not negotiable. You WANT your partner to WANT to have sex with you. (not you, specifically, just people, in general) When they don't, it's not wrong. It just is. And if you do want something your partner doesn't want, you're not wrong. You're just different.
GREATCOASTAL
"Take your example of compromising at 20. You are dealing with a arrogant,complacent partner. What's going to happen? The setting will not be changed, due to her complacency. The setting will be switched back due to her complacency and arrogance to even acknowledge that any compromise was reached at all. The setting will be forgotten about time and time again due to her complacency. The setting will be switched back when ever she wants it due to her arrogance. Your compromise will mean nothing, meaningless words, over-ridden by her actions.
Only one of you will be happy.
You, on the other hand have been trained that being a strong male is one who can compromise and keep the peace by constantly caving, giving in, remaining complacent, all in the name of being strong and able to take it like a man.
She knows this and uses it against you every chance she gets"
Seriously, if someone stays in a relationship where they feel their partner is arrogant and "uses" things against them, I think they might have more than a few issues to deal with of their own.
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Post by thebaffledking on Jan 6, 2017 21:37:00 GMT -5
It would seem that on reflection, you assess your marriage as being - "not too bad" Brother rejected. Fair enough. Yeah, baz, and don't we ALL begin this trip through hell at that staging area! Stock up, rejected101, you'll need lots of supplies for the coming journey. |
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Post by shamwow on Jan 6, 2017 22:22:42 GMT -5
So there are many people on this site who are in very unhappy marriages full stop. Forget sex, there are a host of other significant issues that seem to be a destroying the relationship. Thankfully that isn't me (yet). The ONLY issue in my marriage is the intimacy although I can see how over the next 10 years this issue could lead to another and then that could lead to another and so on. Without further ado I wanted to share an idea as per the title. If I were the one with the lower sex drive (and I've tried to be completely honest to myself about this) I would never dismiss my wife in the manner I am dismissed. I would look at it and think.... ....hmm, you married her, fancy her, think she's kind, funny and a nice person. One day someone else will think the same but they may offer the physical relationship she craves. What are you doing to stop her from going? It's simply not enough to consider yourself perfect or even plenty good enough to rule out the appeal of others. It borders on arrogance and at the very least is the definition of complacency. Unless it was bait and switch. In that case your thought process is "I don't really like sex but if I can just get past the wedding I'll never have to do it again and I will have security, safety, money, social standing, or whatever they think they can from the relationship. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 6, 2017 23:01:19 GMT -5
If she wants the heating set at 16 and I want it at 24, 20 becomes the temperature that keeps us both happy. But it's not. 20 is a setting that leaves you both unhappy. Neither one of you is getting what you want; it's an unpleasant compromise. Food for thought... could you really be so selfless as to give her passionate sex if you didn't enjoy it / hated intimacy? Is that act of selflessness really so different from saying you'd be sexless if she needed? I suspect for many of our spouses, it's as hard for them to give intimacy it as it is for us to go without. I'm willing to acknowledge a basic incompatibility is possible -- it's the solution that's so agonizing. |
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Post by DryCreek on Jan 6, 2017 23:35:33 GMT -5
I'm with you there, DryCreek. I'm thinking that my W is actually wishing she was more intimate with me, and others in her life. I'm learning just how complex trust, attraction, and respect are. And how easily they can be bruised. I have as much healing to do as my W does. We're all cracked teacups, to some degree. I wonder whether, for many of them (like mine), they even comprehend. Do they "know what they don't know"? Is it more like "My spouse has this never-ending craving for pineapple; I don't know why and it seems very irrational. We'll have it occasionally because they like it, but it's not my thing and there's no way I'm eating it as often as they want it." |
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Post by novembercomingfire on Jan 7, 2017 11:27:17 GMT -5
Take your example of compromising at 20. You are dealing with a arrogant,complacent partner. What's going to happen? The setting will not be changed, due to her complacency. The setting will be switched back due to her complacency and arrogance to even acknowledge that any compromise was reached at all. The setting will be forgotten about time and time again due to her complacency. The setting will be switched back when ever she wants it due to her arrogance. Your compromise will mean nothing, meaningless words, over-ridden by her actions. Only one of you will be happy. You, on the other hand have been trained that being a strong male is one who can compromise and keep the peace by constantly caving, giving in, remaining complacent, all in the name of being strong and able to take it like a man. She knows this and uses it against you every chance she gets. She remains happy. She calls your discussions as the same old subject. She has totally avoided anything you say as relevant, reversing it and making YOU the offender. She remains in control, and happy. Compromise is only as good as the mutual commitment to sustain it. Just like anything else, if one person has a hidden agenda, there will be an inevitable shift to their secret comfort zone. In my case, the compromise went like this: i wanted sex once a day, she was comfortable with once a month. She was willing to compromise at ... you guessed it, once a month. She saw this as a compromise, because her real (unstated) ideal was never. And over a brief period of time, she reduced things to never, or nearly never (i suppose one can always get drunk enough to put up with anything). But if your partner thinks that sex three times a year is the high end of normal, you are fucked (or, unfucked as the case may be). Compromise is a joke if real motives are concealed for whatever reason ... |
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 8, 2017 4:58:44 GMT -5
If she wants the heating set at 16 and I want it at 24, 20 becomes the temperature that keeps us both happy. But it's not. 20 is a setting that leaves you both unhappy. Neither one of you is getting what you want; it's an unpleasant compromise. Food for thought... could you really be so selfless as to give her passionate sex if you didn't enjoy it / hated intimacy? Is that act of selflessness really so different from saying you'd be sexless if she needed? I suspect for many of our spouses, it's as hard for them to give intimacy it as it is for us to go without. I'm willing to acknowledge a basic incompatibility is possible -- it's the solution that's so agonizing. I can't help but disagree with you. 20 is a compromise, 20 is closest to his and to her preference. There's a big difference between not getting exactly what you want and being unhappy with what you have. Marriage's work due to compatibility and where you find the odd compatibility, compromise is what makes you find a solution. |
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Post by rejected101 on Jan 8, 2017 4:59:45 GMT -5
But it's not. 20 is a setting that leaves you both unhappy. Neither one of you is getting what you want; it's an unpleasant compromise. Food for thought... could you really be so selfless as to give her passionate sex if you didn't enjoy it / hated intimacy? Is that act of selflessness really so different from saying you'd be sexless if she needed? I suspect for many of our spouses, it's as hard for them to give intimacy it as it is for us to go without. I'm willing to acknowledge a basic incompatibility is possible -- it's the solution that's so agonizing. I can't help but disagree with you. 20 is a compromise, 20 is closest to his and to her preference. There's a big difference between not getting exactly what you want and being unhappy with what you have. Marriage's work due to compatibility and where you find the odd compatibility, compromise is what makes you find a solution. Where you find the odd INCOMPATIBILITY |
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