|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Apr 8, 2022 10:11:46 GMT -5
Hi poppy. Sorry you had to find your way here. We refer to it as the club nobody wants to be a part of. I would encourage you to poke around and read through the post history. There is a tremendous amount of experience and stories here that you might see yourself reflected in. When you are ready, feel free to ask questions or vent into the forum. I can't guarantee you will always hear what you want, but I'm pretty sure you will get perspectives that will help move your journey forward.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Apr 8, 2022 18:08:09 GMT -5
Hey there everyone, I've been with my hubby for 24 years now- married for 16 of them, and since 2011 there has been no sex at all- even worse for me, as I'm a tactile person by nature, next-to-no hugs or touch of any kind. When I try to iniate a hug, or look like I might be leaning in for a hug or just a shoulder to shoulder press- he visibly stiffens, makes some sort of joke or comment and moves away. It's been a while since I tried to initiate any sort of touch now as I hate that feeling of rejection, but I've got to tell you- it's messed with my head to the point of needing anti-depressants. Having raised our daughter, and then traveled where his job took us,(not being able to work for most of that) I have no savings, and very little in my retirement fund, so leaving isn't an option right now, and the biz I started pre-covid is struggling now, thanks to the lockdowns we had. This would be a lot more survivable if it didn't leave me quite so lonely. Thanks for listening guys- It helps to know that I'm not really alone in this. Hello poppy. It would be adviseable to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. In most jurisdictions you would most likely get half the divisible assets that accrued in the marriage after being together for "24 years and 16 years married". That might make your financial position quite different than you might think. You'd do no harm to check it out.
|
|
|
Post by angeleyes65 on Apr 9, 2022 14:11:39 GMT -5
poppy Welcome, sorry you find yourself in this situation. Would love to hear how it came about.. Do you think he avoids physical touch to avoid sex or is he totally checked out of the marriage? As others have said , lots of reading here you will definitely read things that that speak to you.
|
|
|
Post by steve1968 on Apr 9, 2022 14:36:14 GMT -5
poppy. 2011, wow, wish it wasn't so, but my sex life (other than self-pleasure) ended about the same time. Ugh. I'm not dealing with someone that shies away from any physical contact as you are, but she rarely initiates. I'm talking hugs and the like. Learning that it's NOT you and there's nothing wrong with you is a huge step. Staying vs leaving is a huge, huge decision. You can live with some measure of happiness whichever you choose. Good luck.
|
|
|
Post by steve1968 on Apr 9, 2022 14:39:21 GMT -5
sosad - it is absolute giddiness for me when I get even a slight hint of flirtation from a reasonably attractive member of the opposite sex. It's not you. Learning and accepting that there's nothing wrong with you is critical. It's on him.
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Apr 11, 2022 4:57:03 GMT -5
Hey there everyone, I've been with my hubby for 24 years now- ... ...When I try to initiate a hug - he visibly stiffens, makes some sort of joke or comment and moves away. ... it's messed with my head to the point of needing anti-depressants... ...Having raised our daughter, and then traveled where his job took us,(not being able to work for most of that) I have no savings, and very little in my retirement fund, so leaving isn't an option right now, and the biz I started pre-covid is struggling now, thanks to the lockdowns we had. ... It helps to know that I'm not really alone in this. Oh dear, Ms. Poppy. "I have no savings, and very little in my retirement fund, so leaving isn't an option right now" Given 24 years of marriage, you're likely over 40. Building savings and retirement funds seems like a monstrous obstacle. You may need to decide to "live dangerously". In your travels around ILIASM, you'll inevitably run past sexless marriage veterans who were in your shoes and found it not as scary as it seems. (Assuming leaving is your best course of action. Maybe, maybe not.) ILIASM member dallasgia started a thread called "Financially Terrified" at: iliasm.org/thread/6082/financially-terrifiedPerhaps that's a good start for you? I don't think it'll be out of line if you ask additional questions there. It includes preliminary steps you can do before calling a lawyer and just taking action can do a lot for the low mood of being "stuck", even if you never end up "pulling the trigger". The "visibly stiffens, but jokes about it" reaction seems scared rather than hostile. From that tiny window into your dynamic, it's sounding like bad experiences with intimacy are in his past or some type of spectrum reaction to physical stimulation may be going on. If I were the kind to pry, I'd be asking what your sex life looked like early on, and progressing through 2011. It gives a person some inkling about prognosis. What are prospects for outsourcing? (informed or consensual "cheating") Leaving may be unnecessary, depending on your husband's attitude and condition. Do you have a therapist? Or an online support group (well, maybe you've found a support group now). Every study says meds work better with talk therapy in addition. Being sad for a reason isn't a medical issue. It may be a problem that needs to be solved and the depression leaves with it.
|
|
|
Post by hanamidreaming on Apr 13, 2022 20:40:50 GMT -5
Hi, folks. I got here because r/DeadBedrooms mentioned you; I got there by googling “empty nest no sex”, as you do.
Turns out other people are getting sex in the empty nest. Thanks Google, affirming as always.
After Romeo&Juliet level drama, I eloped with my husband. Then we fell pregnant (it was a bad 40 weeks), then he began deploying, then the Towers fell…
(Now that I’ve pegged both my age and my gender)
Deployment turned into the rule rather than the exception, (I calculated recently that we’ve spent only slightly more than half our marriage in the same time zone) and deployments make strangers.
We built a family fairly successfully, and a friendship. Just not intimacy. What was once a year whether I needed it or not (attempt at sardonic joke) at the height of the war became no times a year. I got tired of physical rejection. Got tired of the avoidance two-step. Stopped rocking the boat. Only now, I’m so lonely I can get hot for a comic-book character…and I don’t know if I can face 30 more years tiptoeing around the elephant in the room.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Apr 14, 2022 2:35:10 GMT -5
Welcome, hanamidreaming. I'm sorry to hear of your predicament. I left Reddit a couple years ago because the admins for deadbedrooms couldn't handle certain things, like the truth. Anyhow, I am glad you found your way here, and I hope we can help. Military marriages are indeed tough ones, but, the few I am familiar with, there was usually a good, um, debriefing when the husband returned. I don't know what might have been going on in his head, but, whatever it was, your needs were not a part of it. Apparently, they still aren't. That's not good for you. I don't know why, and in most cases, the why doesn't matter. What is is what matters. So, where do you want to go from here? You should repost your greeting in the "Sexless Marriage Issues" section. It gets more traffic, so you will get a good variety of input there.
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Apr 14, 2022 6:04:17 GMT -5
... r/DeadBedrooms mentioned you; I got there by googling “empty nest no sex”, as you do. ...We built a family fairly successfully, and a friendship. ...at the height of the war became no times a year. I got tired of physical rejection. ... I don’t know if I can face 30 more years tiptoeing around the elephant in the room. You're googling "empty nest no sex", so the youngest (only?) is out of the house; job, school, travelling circus and beatnik troupe, etc. A good thing about ironhamster's suggestion of your own separate thread is you may get replies months from now that offer something useful. A guy has to ask what your husband does instead of you. Does he have any suggestions for your skin hunger if you're he's not up for supplying the goods? It sounds as though you got no "honeymoon phase", maybe due to external forces? Is he up for making one? Empty nesters sometimes need to reconnect. Maybe you're up for connecting for the first time. That may not be of interest for one or both of you. The people you were may have changed too much. Is an open marriage of interest? Keep the strong friendship-marriage thing as a source of stability. Someone to grow old with... someone else to ignite roaring flames with for a few weeks/months/years. (beware the danger that you end up wanting to marry the lover instead, if divorce is repulsive to you) When dating, were things initially zesty and dropped off only after deployment? After the wedding? Maybe not aflame from the jump?
|
|
|
Post by hanamidreaming on Apr 14, 2022 12:48:32 GMT -5
Thanks, folks.
Ironhamster, what I saw on DB was a lot of young people and a lot of binary thinking. A certain amount of ascribing to malice what is probably stupidity. (I didn’t post my problem, but I lurked a bit and commented occasionally.) in my experience, a lot of what looks like malice is actually down to boneheaded stupidity, and a certain amount of away-with-the-fairies stupidity is actually engineered malice.
And yes, there could be debriefs, as you put it—those where the source of “once a year” for a long time. But nothing would follow them except settling-in fights, and debriefs would get pushed back, from return day to the weekend to a couple of weeks in to never.
Mirrorchild, I don’t know what he does for himself. The R&J thing meant all our sex before marriage was special encounters (B&Bs, outdoors, cars),high drama & never at home. In the early days of marriage, we had push-pull timing: if I wanted sex he didn’t, if he did I didn’t, or couldn’t, or was right that minute up to my elbows in an unsexy domestic task and he took deferral as rejection. When he got out of uniform, he went into contracting, which is just service life with better paychecks, so he’s been mostly not here, at least up to 2020 when Afghanistan folded tents. Now he’s contracting stateside, but out of state. He’s been burning up the highways to see us every other weekend, but the cycle is the same—in bed asleep before 9, up at 3 or 4, gone within 36 hours with a lip-bump at the door. If I touch him affectionately he says “that’s nice” and falls asleep; if I touch him with intent he’ll criticize or move me bodily away, which stings. If I bring up that I want sex, in plenty of time to stoke fires, he’ll say “yes” and then fall asleep. Affairs are possible—he’s had plenty of time away to have them, and some suspicious events (he went on a training tdy; a female subordinate there sent home Xmas gifts for my kids; he texted “I miss you”, possibly to her, inadvertently to me when I was standing across the kitchen from him; a couple weeks later her husband came and picked her up in a highly dramatic altercation I only heard whispers of. Or when he reestablished contact with his ex-wife, supposedly to get to know the daughter who was adopted away; the wife then sent me a Christmas card, and I had to explain the whole thing to my kids.) Historically he’s been jealous, accusing me of “emotional” affairs I haven’t had and getting upset if I dress up for me and then go out where others can see me (I don’t mean socially—I never socialize alone.) That has tapered off, but tbh, I also don’t look as good as I used to.
I haven’t brought up how I feel, or asked why things are the way they are—it could be health, or he’s not into it, or he’s not into me.. I don’t know how to even broach the matter, and I’m scared of a potentially apocalyptic retaliation. He doesn’t hit or anything like that, but there’s a lot of ego there, and when you are married your spouse is in an opportune place to burn your crops and stamp salt into your earth, sometimes before you’ve even turned around. Plus we’ve become friends—we’ve spent years developing an intellectual connection internal to the relationship, and as you can probably tell from me spilling my intimate details to strangers on the internet, I don’t have a lot of external connections. So if the bridge burns, I’m largely alone.
Sorry, this turned into another small Russian novel of a post. I will take your advice and try to craft something for the main board.
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Apr 14, 2022 20:11:47 GMT -5
hanamidreaming, even a copy and paste of your post or posts above will get the ball rolling.
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Apr 15, 2022 4:45:35 GMT -5
MirrorOrchid, I don’t know what he does for himself. The R&J [Romeo and Juliet] thing meant all our sex before marriage was special encounters (B&Bs, outdoors, cars),high drama & never at home. In the early days of marriage, we had push-pull timing: if I wanted sex he didn’t, if he did I didn’t, or couldn’t, or was right that minute up to my elbows in an unsexy domestic task and he took deferral as rejection... ...Affairs are possible—...some suspicious events (... a female subordinate there sent home Xmas gifts for my kids; he texted “I miss you”, possibly to her, inadvertently to me when I was standing across the kitchen from him; a couple weeks later her husband came and picked her up in a highly dramatic altercation I only heard whispers of. Or when he reestablished contact with his ex-wife, supposedly to get to know the daughter who was adopted away; the wife then sent me a Christmas card... Historically he’s been jealous, accusing me of “emotional” affairs I haven’t had and getting upset if I dress up for me and then go out where others can see me (I don’t mean socially—I never socialize alone.) That has tapered off, but tbh, I also don’t look as good as I used to. I haven’t brought up how I feel...I’m scared of a potentially apocalyptic retaliation. ... Plus we’ve become friends—we’ve spent years developing an intellectual connection internal to the relationship, and as you can probably tell from me spilling my intimate details to strangers on the internet, I don’t have a lot of external connections. So if the bridge burns, I’m largely alone. Sorry, this turned into another small Russian novel of a post. ... Again, trouble yourself not about length of posts. Hopefully, "letting it out" is of use to you. By never romancing at home, it makes me ask if he was avoiding someone seeing him with you. A Significant Other he was keeping in the dark. Then all teh romance dies after marriage. Like the permanent bond was a buzz kill for him. Apocrypha has theories about that. Platonic ties to someone making sexual bonds weaken. The commitments piling up to a feeling of entrapment. All damn silly, if you ask me, but then, I was the refused spouse, so I would think that, wouldn't I? Not "socializing alone" I take to mean you don't meet with friends for drinks, dinner, billiards, bowling, or Zumba? Just you and the kiddo with soccer mom stuff at first? You had/have that intellectual bond as your "adult time"? I may be painting too constrained a picture. It's common enough for ILIASM members to depend on their spouse for company almost exclusively and allow other social partners to fall away until nearly no one is left. It's awkward to contact someone just to get together. Classic. It seems impossible to avoid the conclusion your husband cheats (outsourcing without disclosure). If you confirmed it, would would be the reaction? (not suggesting you do so. Involuntary celibacy is reason enough to leave or unilaterally open things. Just remembering divorce can be dramatically altered by adultery) A very common pathway out of sexless marriage is construction of a support network. Financial and social. That socializing alone thing might be something to start post-haste. Meetup.com may be a starting point. Any old hobbies you can clean the cobwebs off of? Maybe a book club you'd try? A spin class? If fitness classes get you feeling a bit more confident, expect the return of the jealousy. That is super common. Any effort at physical self-improvement automatically means prepping for an affair. (Projection?) Is it possible your jealous husband is engaging in control? Limiting your social circles to solidify dependence on him? I'd be curious if there are any social opportunities he'd be okay with. A support system is contrary to controlling spouses' interests. Sexlessness may be only the most noticeable reason to consider distancing yourself. (not that I'm pleased to bring up these possibilities.) Feel free to post replies to a new thread with your introduction if you like. I don't mean to tie you down to this one. BTW, congrats to reaching out for help with this.
|
|
|
Post by hanamidreaming on Apr 18, 2022 14:51:59 GMT -5
Yes, controlling is absolutely possible, although if so it has let up over the years. He even moved my parents here after my father got ill and decided I wasn’t disowned any more. The big issue has been the itchy feet and the concomitant perception of rejection: when he’s away, it’s all “I miss you”; when he’s here it’s all twitching in place until he can arrange to go away again. I get that, in uniform, you may not have control over all the timing (although some periods away are very clearly his choice), but once you’re out… Layer that over actual rejection (a 4-year drought, physically impeding my advances), and one begins to feel awful indeed. And you aren’t holding me here; reading what’s on this forum has been helpful in refining my interpretation of what’s happening to me.
|
|
|
Post by angeleyes65 on Apr 18, 2022 18:34:14 GMT -5
hanamidreaming I was also a military wife. I know the trying to learn to live together again after a long deployment is hard. Habits are formed. That being said we often pulled off the road to have sex when I picked him up from a deployment lol. One thing I do know is getting counseling or admitting an issue was really hard in the military it would possibly stop you from getting promoted. Maybe now that he's out he would go? Does he seem depressed , have PTSD? Seems to me not having sex with you then accusing you of cheating could be a sign that he is cheating hence the reason he thinks like that but is afraid you will leave. I would try to get him to couple counseling and personal counseling. That being said life is short.. you have options also with him being gone.
|
|
|
Post by hanamidreaming on Apr 18, 2022 19:20:32 GMT -5
hanamidreaming I was also a military wife. I know the trying to learn to live together again after a long deployment is hard. Habits are formed. That being said we often pulled off the road to have sex when I picked him up from a deployment lol. One thing I do know is getting counseling or admitting an issue was really hard in the military it would possibly stop you from getting promoted. Maybe now that he's out he would go? Does he seem depressed , have PTSD? Seems to me not having sex with you then accusing you of cheating could be a sign that he is cheating hence the reason he thinks like that but is afraid you will leave. I would try to get him to couple counseling and personal counseling. That being said life is short.. you have options also with him being gone. I remember one pretty earthshaking kiss in an airport post-deployment. They flew commercial (I forget why) and had to wear their BDUs and part of his platoon was there and people deplaning cheered. But no “I can’t wait to touch you” events otherwise. Mostly he’d come home, drop his stuff, white-glove the house & take me to task (not the fun way) over falling standards like I was his corporal. He was offered counseling for PTSD; it was a prerequisite for the VA to look into his sleep issues. He said no. (He “fails open” by 4 a.m.; hard to know if that’s PTSD or just ingrained habit.) We did couple counseling once, after our second son was born. I booked a male counselor at his request; we did one joint session and then the individual sessions, which apparently didn’t go well—he came back & accused me of suborning the therapist because I wore a skirt to my appointment. We didn’t go back, obviously. (I wish I had a Mata Hari-like capability to bend men to my will; it’d be useful hiring building contractors. Mostly I’m just clueless and half a step behind the conversation because I was thinking something else.)
|
|