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Post by suzieq60 on Jan 6, 2022 23:29:37 GMT -5
Our marriage is strong but lacking anything sexual. Hi suzieq60I don’t know whether it’s the devil’s advocate in me (or just the devil), but… Is it safe to say, then, that your husband doesn’t have a problem at all? You permit this infidelity so he can have all the the sexual gratification he wants on his terms. And he need not concern himself with your desires or your pain: that is your problem. Is that correct? This is his strong marriage. Do you think he could endorse this statement for us?
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 7, 2022 5:57:52 GMT -5
The idea of an open M or a FWB can sound easy but how many people actually do it if they do not travel for work and have an 8AM to 5PM job?
My next question is what is a reasonable amount of money to spend on an affair per month? On a "cheaters website" one guy spent $500 a month. OTH someone that lives alone and has a local FWB, the expenses will be very reasonable.
A common expression on polyamory podcasts is: "Love is infinite, time is not." Monogamous folks are under the habit of assuming that relationships need all they can give; if you have a second lover, you'll split your time between spouse and your side squeeze. That's not how it works. You determine how much time you can dedicate to outside relationships and inform prospective lovers of this limitation up front; your "Bandwidth". Everyone has it. No one should be surprised or upset. If a lover needs more companionship, they can address excess bandwidth with a third companion until their needs/desires are met. Having four FWBs who have a day each month to spare makes for a once a week schedule if that was their goal. The 1:1 ratio of monogamy tends to get people thinking simply and statically. Money can be similar. You'll need companions with tolerance for a more austere dating life if you're pressed for cash; coffee, picnics, outdoor concerts rather than weekend cabin vacations in the Poconos. You may need to choose lovers based on their standards-of-living as well as their available time. If dating married people, they are commonly as limited with their time as you. They have a spouse, maybe kids. They have lives, you do not need to fill their time. The opposite problem may be in play; figuring out a day you can both get together. jerri ran into that frustration more than once.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 7, 2022 8:48:21 GMT -5
As a woman, if I were to be in an open marriage, it would take away time and money resources from current marriage. Alas, I'm not wealthy. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy, but most man are not wealthy either! So if I want an open marriage I'll probably have to pay for the guy's expenses too. That's not fair have to my current husband whom I don't hate... I just want to have sex! These sexless marriages suck. There are no easy answers While I agree that most men are not wealthy, but I don't think it necessatates that you would be paying for your partner's expenses. It might well mean that you would share some expenses, like the cost of a motel room or if you t,ook a weekend trip together, you would kick in half for the B&B or other costs. And SM's do suck. I take it you haven't seriously really considered the option of a FWB. Anything you do will take away money/resources from the marriage if what you do is only geared toward yourself. But if the FWB actually contributes in a positive way to the marriage, like reducing sexual frustration, perhaps the added costs might be worth it. That would be a decision that you must carefully weigh against the possibility that such a move on your part might end the marriage, unless your H agrees to the FWB or you have a DADT in place. Otherwise your fate is pretty much sealed. EDIT: mirrororchid has saidn some things above worth noting. You are married, so your available time for another relationship will be limited. probably the same for a prospective partner. The trick will be syncing your 2 schedules so time can be spent together. There's lots of free stuff out there to keep costs down, but some costs are unavoidable. If you want sex back in your life you will have to bite the bullet.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 7, 2022 18:36:32 GMT -5
"saarinista said: As a woman, if I were to be in an open marriage, it would take away time and money resources from current marriage. Alas, I'm not wealthy. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy, but most man are not wealthy either! So if I want an open marriage I'll probably have to pay for the guy's expenses too. That's not fair have to my current husband whom I don't hate... I just want to have sex!"
Far more men than women are on affair sites. As a woman, you could trade up, including getting a man who'd cover any expenses related to the affair. You are being overly pessimistic to think that you'd have to pay for hotel costs, etc. unless you deliberately chose to have an affair with a man who didn't have money to spare.
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Post by saarinista on Jan 8, 2022 23:29:55 GMT -5
"saarinista said: As a woman, if I were to be in an open marriage, it would take away time and money resources from current marriage. Alas, I'm not wealthy. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy, but most man are not wealthy either! So if I want an open marriage I'll probably have to pay for the guy's expenses too. That's not fair have to my current husband whom I don't hate... I just want to have sex!" Far more men than women are on affair sites. As a woman, you could trade up, including getting a man who'd cover any expenses related to the affair. You are being overly pessimistic to think that you'd have to pay for hotel costs, etc. unless you deliberately chose to have an affair with a man who didn't have money to spare. So I should deliberately choose to find an affair partner who has money to spare? 😉 Perhaps is that in the same vein as it's easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is a poor man? 😏 Unfortunately I personally found that to be not true. In fact, when I was single , I found that the more money prospects had, the meaner and ruder theh tended to be, but maybe that was just my experience.
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Post by saarinista on Jan 8, 2022 23:35:19 GMT -5
As a woman, if I were to be in an open marriage, it would take away time and money resources from current marriage. Alas, I'm not wealthy. I'm not looking for a sugar daddy, but most man are not wealthy either! So if I want an open marriage I'll probably have to pay for the guy's expenses too. That's not fair have to my current husband whom I don't hate... I just want to have sex! These sexless marriages suck. There are no easy answers While I agree that most men are not wealthy, but I don't think it necessatates that you would be paying for your partner's expenses. It might well mean that you would share some expenses, like the cost of a motel room or if you t,ook a weekend trip together, you would kick in half for the B&B or other costs. And SM's do suck. I take it you haven't seriously really considered the option of a FWB. Anything you do will take away money/resources from the marriage if what you do is only geared toward yourself. But if the FWB actually contributes in a positive way to the marriage, like reducing sexual frustration, perhaps the added costs might be worth it. That would be a decision that you must carefully weigh against the possibility that such a move on your part might end the marriage, unless your H agrees to the FWB or you have a DADT in place. Otherwise your fate is pretty much sealed. EDIT: mirrororchid has saidn some things above worth noting. You are married, so your available time for another relationship will be limited. probably the same for a prospective partner. The trick will be syncing your 2 schedules so time can be spent together. There's lots of free stuff out there to keep costs down, but some costs are unavoidable. If you want sex back in your life you will have to bite the bullet. I have considered a FWB, but, it's not easy to find one. Especially when married! Not easy to find one, not easy to find time and money for one, not easy to cover up the relationship. I think open marriage is far preferable, except for the fact that few spouses will go for that.😔 And unless the spouses of both people in the relationship are in on it, then it's not TRULY open. Having only one side open is effectively-closed.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 9, 2022 6:20:43 GMT -5
I have considered a FWB, but, it's not easy to find one. Especially when married! Not easy to find one, not easy to find time and money for one, not easy to cover up the relationship. I think open marriage is far preferable, except for the fact that few spouses will go for that.😔 And unless the spouses of both people in the relationship are in on it, then it's not TRULY open. Having only one side open is effectively-closed. Having a FWB is one way of opening up the relationship, whether it's known, apprpved of or disapproave of by your H. I agree his willingness to ignor or allow the extra activity by you would be the better of possible senerios. And you are right, most spouses are not going to be happy knowing their partner is sexually active with someone else. But which is the more preferable for you, your H happy and you quite frustrated or you happy and him a silent partner in a DADT agreement. Having this talk with your H is a difficult task. I did it because honesty is important to me so I didn't want to be deceitful and go behind my spouses back. She would not agree but it put her on notice of just how fragile the marriage was becoming. It's possible if your H knows you are serious about opening the marriage, even if it's just on one side he may be spurred into changing his behavior. Then again he may rebuff your efforts and insist on continued celibacy for the both of you. Then you will have another choice to make. Continue as is or gamble on the possibility of something else. But at least the cards for that hand will be on the table.
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Post by saarinista on Jan 9, 2022 20:42:00 GMT -5
worksforme2 I mean I've talked with my husband seriously several times about my sexual discontent and even threw the concept of open marriage out there. He didn't flat out reject it but the conversations always just seem to tail of inconclusively. It's strange.. A few days ago he started 😭 tearing up and apologized to me for the fact that we never have sex. So then I hugged him and comforted him because I care about him! And I don't want him to feel bad....sigh. Honestly, the sex was never that great to begin with, so it's not like I greatly miss sex with him in particular. I just don't like the idea of never having even mediocre sex again, ever. It fees like death. But the idea of divorce feels overwhelming too. Sigh. I want him in my life, but more like a brother anymore, and in fact that's what our relationship resembles in reality. .
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Post by mirrororchid on Jan 10, 2022 6:54:50 GMT -5
... threw the concept of open marriage out there. He didn't flat out reject it but the conversations always just seem to tail of inconclusively. It's strange.. A few days ago he started 😭 tearing up and apologized to me for the fact that we never have sex. So then I hugged him and comforted him because I care about him! And I don't want him to feel bad....sigh. ...I just don't like the idea of never having even mediocre sex again, ever. It feels like death. But the idea of divorce feels overwhelming too. Sigh. I want him in my life, but more like a brother anymore, and in fact that's what our relationship resembles in reality. Nothing about those first two observation gibes with his wanting a divorce if you took a lover. Your comforting him upon his guilt ridden collapse may be sending a mixed signal that the status quo is going to be acceptable forever. You have basically been given more permission to seek out a FWB than almost any spouse should expect. I'd stop asking "if" or "whether" and move the conversation to "How." Would he want to know? If not, what would his "finding out" look like? If so, is it half-way? Do you make up transparent alibis for your trysts like Jerri? Both of you knowing the alibis aren't credible and are merely an agreed upon lie that gives the appearance of "normal" marriage. Might it be more acceptable? Does he want to ask a bit about where you had dinner or what movie you saw? Is the smile on your face impossible to ignore? Does he want to know how great it was? (This happens. Sometimes compersion, sometimes cuckold kink, sometimes seeking inspiration to participate himself) Is it permissible to bring your lover home if your husband is not there? Even if he is? Would he be okay meeting a lover you've grown emotionally fond of? Can you have sex in your own home? Should you be discreet so neighbors don't ask nosy questions? Do you want to be cavalier about it, hiding nothing, so when the nosy neighbors do bring it up, you can be ready? "Who? Christopher? Wears glasses? Lambchop sideburns? Yeah, they're old friends. Thanks for your concern." Your forced celibacy is bringing your husband to literal tears. Is it a favor to avoid a FWB? Or torture?
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 10, 2022 7:22:02 GMT -5
worksforme2 I mean I've talked with my husband seriously several times about my sexual discontent and even threw the concept of open marriage out there. He didn't flat out reject it but the conversations always just seem to tail of inconclusively. It's strange.. A few days ago he started 😭 tearing up and apologized to me for the fact that we never have sex. So then I hugged him and comforted him because I care about him! And I don't want him to feel bad....sigh. Honestly, the sex was never that great to begin with, so it's not like I greatly miss sex with him in particular. I just don't like the idea of never having even mediocre sex again, ever. It fees like death. But the idea of divorce feels overwhelming too. Sigh. I want him in my life, but more like a brother anymore, and in fact that's what our relationship resembles in reality. . It seems like your H is truely remorseful about the intimacy having gone away in the marriage. If so, has he persued the reason for this himself. Is it physical, emotional or psychological in nature. If it's physical there are a number of options available to him. Depending on the scope of his ED there is of coarse Viagra and Cialus. If the pills aren't effective the next step is injections, along the lines of Caverjet. It's more expensive but my reading tells me is pretty effective in bringing about an erection. If the problem is in his head then that's a different story and will need to be addressed with a therapist or psychologist. You actually sound like there may be the possibilty of why chasing and finding the cause. Knowing the cause of the problem can help focus your search for a remedy.
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Post by jerri on Jan 26, 2022 8:03:42 GMT -5
The idea of an open M or a FWB can sound easy but how many people actually do it if they do not travel for work and have an 8AM to 5PM job? My next question is what is a reasonable amount of money to spend on an affair per month? On a "cheaters website" one guy spent $500 a month. OTH someone that lives alone and has a local FWB, the expenses will be very reasonable.
A common expression on polyamory podcasts is: "Love is infinite, time is not." Monogamous folks are under the habit of assuming that relationships need all they can give; if you have a second lover, you'll split your time between spouse and your side squeeze. That's not how it works. You determine how much time you can dedicate to outside relationships and inform prospective lovers of this limitation up front; your "Bandwidth". Everyone has it. No one should be surprised or upset. If a lover needs more companionship, they can address excess bandwidth with a third companion until their needs/desires are met. Having four FWBs who have a day each month to spare makes for a once a week schedule if that was their goal. The 1:1 ratio of monogamy tends to get people thinking simply and statically. Money can be similar. You'll need companions with tolerance for a more austere dating life if you're pressed for cash; coffee, picnics, outdoor concerts rather than weekend cabin vacations in the Poconos. You may need to choose lovers based on their standards-of-living as well as their available time. If dating married people, they are commonly as limited with their time as you. They have a spouse, maybe kids. They have lives, you do not need to fill their time. The opposite problem may be in play; figuring out a day you can both get together. jerri ran into that frustration more than once. Very well written!!! My hubby wanted me to get sex outside the marriage but wanted it discreet. He left the bedroom out of protest and the need to masturbate uninterrupted. When he went to bed I went out. I got busted a lot but he didn't really challenge me. I told him I was uncomfortable and would be lying about where I would be going. Or just don't ask at all. You know exactly what I am doing. But my dearhusbansd's date night was never interrupted.
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Post by jerri on Jan 26, 2022 8:24:58 GMT -5
Remember that sexless RS are not like having a roommate or siblings around. A roommate or sibling cheers you on when you get boffed!! Husband's and wives just get jealous and possessive! So rare to have them as a cheerleader so we should tell them what we are doing, give them extra loving and doting. Sit down with realistic rules and then go get fucked hard as my mentor said! Hahaha Come back respect the fact that it will be a learning rough experience. Ease their fears...cater to them and go back out and check off the Kamasutra move for the day and just say goodbye to the pressures of the day and have really fun sex! My boyfriend got cock blocked on a few occasions as well and all we could do is just laugh!
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 26, 2022 12:01:51 GMT -5
sarinista said: "So I should deliberately choose to find an affair partner who has money to spare? 😉 Perhaps is that in the same vein as it's easy to fall in love with a rich man as it is a poor man? 😏
Unfortunately I personally found that to be not true. In fact, when I was single , I found that the more money prospects had, the meaner and ruder theh tended to be, but maybe that was just my experience."
Your circumstances are different now than when you were single. Well off single men are in the catbird seat on regular dating sites. However, there are relatively few married women on affair sites. Such sites attract many men, few women. Indeed, many of the "women" on those sites are bots. Some of the real women are just there for an ego trip, not to get a lover. As a married woman looking for sex, you'd be in high demand and would be able to pick and choose from a variety of potential partners. Just ask the men here who'd tried to find lovers on such sites.
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Post by pnwguy on Feb 20, 2022 23:35:32 GMT -5
Hello all. Sexless for the past 10 years this April (4/22). 10 years prior detereoration after our last child to a few time per year. This, from a 26 year marriage to what I later discovered was a self proclaimed asexual partner.
I can say I have been to the far side of hell and back and will be able to share my experences and hopefully help peovide a glimmer of clarity to those who feel and experience the emotional pain and confusion these situation create.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 21, 2022 0:42:13 GMT -5
Welcome pnwguy,...Feel free to give us your experience in a SM. that's a goodly part of what this site is all about. If you have been lurking and reading then you know we are a broad spectrum of individuals who find themselves sharing a common malady. Anything you experienced and found helpful may be of help to someone else.
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