mishy
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by mishy on May 18, 2021 16:02:28 GMT -5
Hi. I am so grateful to find this site. I have been with my husband for 32 years married for nearly 27. I have not had sex since 2007. Prior to that it was 3 or 4 times a year, if I initiated it. I was told it was my fault because of "the way I am". I tried everything but to no avail. I don't care if he is asexual but I feel used. He knew sex was not his thing and instead of just saying that he made me feel like I was the problem. I have given him two beautiful children and I help him project an image to the world. I finally realised nothing I did would make a difference. I do not actually know what the issue is because he hasn't named it. I worry sometimes that I will find out he has some weird perversion and everyone will assume I knew. I have no idea what is the issue. After nearly 33 years who would believe me? I am so depressed and he knows it. Whatever his issue is he need to keep it to himself is greater than confronting it. We do actually get on great but the pretence is killing me. I have never been on birth control and actually ended up going down the IVF route because my GP couldn't understand why I hadn't got pregnant. That's how far I have gone to protect his image. Now I am middle aged and unattractive and in poor health. The more down I feel the happier he is. I know what the options are but I am stuck. Funny thing is if he had just been honest the no sex might not have been a deal breaker. But I resent that to protect himself he hung me out to dry. I am waffling. Once again I am thankful to have found this forum.
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mishy
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by mishy on May 18, 2021 16:02:52 GMT -5
Hi. I am so grateful to find this site. I have been with my husband for 32 years married for nearly 27. I have not had sex since 2007. Prior to that it was 3 or 4 times a year, if I initiated it. I was told it was my fault because of "the way I am". I tried everything but to no avail. I don't care if he is asexual but I feel used. He knew sex was not his thing and instead of just saying that he made me feel like I was the problem. I have given him two beautiful children and I help him project an image to the world. I finally realised nothing I did would make a difference. I do not actually know what the issue is because he hasn't named it. I worry sometimes that I will find out he has some weird perversion and everyone will assume I knew. I have no idea what is the issue. After nearly 33 years who would believe me? I am so depressed and he knows it. Whatever his issue is he need to keep it to himself is greater than confronting it. We do actually get on great but the pretence is killing me. I have never been on birth control and actually ended up going down the IVF route because my GP couldn't understand why I hadn't got pregnant. That's how far I have gone to protect his image. Now I am middle aged and unattractive and in poor health. The more down I feel the happier he is. I know what the options are but I am stuck. Funny thing is if he had just been honest the no sex might not have been a deal breaker. But I resent that to protect himself he hung me out to dry. I am waffling. Once again I am thankful to have found this forum.
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mishy
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by mishy on May 18, 2021 16:04:48 GMT -5
Hi. I am so grateful to find this site. I have been with my husband for 32 years married for nearly 27. I have not had sex since 2007. Prior to that it was 3 or 4 times a year, if I initiated it. I was told it was my fault because of "the way I am". I tried everything but to no avail. I don't care if he is asexual but I feel used. He knew sex was not his thing and instead of just saying that he made me feel like I was the problem. I have given him two beautiful children and I help him project an image to the world. I finally realised nothing I did would make a difference. I do not actually know what the issue is because he hasn't named it. I worry sometimes that I will find out he has some weird perversion and everyone will assume I knew. I have no idea what is the issue. After nearly 33 years who would believe me? I am so depressed and he knows it. Whatever his issue is he need to keep it to himself is greater than confronting it. We do actually get on great but the pretence is killing me. I have never been on birth control and actually ended up going down the IVF route because my GP couldn't understand why I hadn't got pregnant. That's how far I have gone to protect his image. Now I am middle aged and unattractive and in poor health. The more down I feel the happier he is. I know what the options are but I am stuck. Funny thing is if he had just been honest the no sex might not have been a deal breaker. But I resent that to protect himself he hung me out to dry. I am waffling. Once again I am thankful to have found this forum.
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Post by Handy on May 18, 2021 16:53:36 GMT -5
Mishy, welcome to the forum. We all understand your situation because most of us have been or are in a similar situation. Uou are among friends. I rarely see an asexual spouse change, so there are 3 main options with some sub options. 1. Suck it up and stay. 2. Have an affair secretly or just be open and inform your H. 3. Divorce and move on. You can try couples counseling but that rarely changes things and you can try counseling just for you and ignore your H. After 33 years, I and most of the people on this forum will believe you. It happens and the myth that all men want sex is a lie, some don't and never will want sex, no matter how sexy you look. No one can do much about aging but I will encourage you to work on being healthier. I am in a similar boat but I do all of the medical advice directed to my age group.
Start your own thread in the "Sexless Marriage Issues" area. That way you will have a place to keep your thread separated from other people's posts. It is easier to read and to remember what was posted.
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Post by mirrororchid on May 18, 2021 18:25:35 GMT -5
... I was told it was my fault because of "the way I am".
What way is that? (Not to say knowing will help. That's called "Why chasing" around here. Causes a lot of frustration and rarely effects results.)
...He knew sex was not his thing and instead of just saying that he made me feel like I was the problem...Funny thing is if he had just been honest the no sex might not have been a deal breaker....We do actually get on great but the pretense is killing me.... Now I am middle aged and unattractive and in poor health. I know what the options are but I am stuck.He wasn't honest, yet it looks like it still wasn't a deal breaker. If you'd like to float some ideas about your health issues over at "Off-Topic", maybe we can help get you in a situation where you feel you'll be equipped to take more than one option and un-stick yourself?
You may want to look at a few posts by Jerri. She got along with her husband, didn't leave, but outsourced and made it work (so far). If health issues clear up, perhaps that's a path forward you'll prefer since he's a fine housemate, just not a lover.
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Post by baza on May 18, 2021 19:29:32 GMT -5
Hello Sister mishy . You say you've been reading in here a lot, and are aware of what your options are. Keep reading would be my suggestion, which could be the starting point of your information gathering process.
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Post by petrushka on May 19, 2021 3:41:29 GMT -5
I have never been on birth control and actually ended up going down the IVF route because my GP couldn't understand why I hadn't got pregnant. That's how far I have gone to protect his image. Now I am middle aged and unattractive and in poor health. The more down I feel the happier he is. I know what the options are but I am stuck. Funny thing is if he had just been honest the no sex might not have been a deal breaker. But I resent that to protect himself he hung me out to dry. I am waffling. Once again I am thankful to have found this forum.
You may have to explain to the GP that wind pollination works for tomatoes, but not for humans?!?
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Post by angeleyes65 on May 21, 2021 10:37:59 GMT -5
mishy I know you feel like you are stuck but trust me you are not. I was married 35 years. Also two kids, now grown. He struggled with depression and was manipulative. I have no family in state. Had never lived on my own. Leaving was the hardest and best thing I have ever done. I only regret I didn't do it sooner. Feel free to message me
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stu
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by stu on Jul 2, 2021 4:50:34 GMT -5
Hi all!
Like everyone else who posts here am new to this page. I will update my avatar as soon as I am not using my phones internet!
I stumbled across this site from google after doing a search for “sexless relationships”. I will likely post my position soon, but I think I should read other posts to get a feel of how the site operates and see what other people have spoken about on the matter.
I hope you take the time to of read this and that you have been also coping with what we all would say is a very bad time of our modern life with COVID and the impact this has had on many of our lives?
Stay safe all and hope to get started posting soon.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jul 2, 2021 11:54:55 GMT -5
@ stu welcome to the club nobody wants to be a part of. But you are in great company. The people in this group provided me with a lot of knowledge, insight and support. Great group of people.
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stu
New Member
Posts: 9
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Post by stu on Jul 2, 2021 16:19:37 GMT -5
@ stu welcome to the club nobody wants to be a part of. But you are in great company. The people in this group provided me with a lot of knowledge, insight and support. Great group of people. Thank you angel eye. It looks like I have found a place to vent or express my feelings. I hope that I get to fully engage on this site and help others too.
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Sept 13, 2021 3:36:20 GMT -5
My situation: We are in our eighth year of marriage, our 4th or 5th year of sexless marriage. When I say sexless ,I mean sexless. Zero, zip, zilch, nada, nothing. No kisses, cuddles and very few embraces. This is the exact opposite of the pattern our sex lives had when we were dating and newly married ( 1st 2 years a or so) . Back then it was good, frequent , healthy and robust. The change is mind boggling and has caused me great emotional grief. I mourn for what we had that seemed to just disappear. My first clue that all was not well was the times when sex became. ( on his part) very perfunctorily preformed…you know..just going through the motions, no passion. I am, at 53 years young unable to imagine this state, devoid of passion for the rest of my life. I haven’t strayed, nor do I want a divorce, necessarily, but I do want to re-kindle what we once had. We see a therapist/marriage counselor ( we saw him briefly before we married also) . My husband once claimed that his lack of desire was due to my weight gain . When we married I was about 127 lbs…I gradually crept up to about 160. When I dropped the weight this still made no difference, as he either didn’t notice or just refrained from commenting. I told him I loved him the other day, to which he replied “ thank you” . When I agreed to “ for better or worse” I could not, in my wildest dreams imagined that sex ( or lack of it) would be the “ worse”. I’d like to convey my relief upon finding this forum and knowing I’m not as alone as I feel. Thanks…
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Post by baza on Sept 13, 2021 4:45:07 GMT -5
Welcome to the zoo Sister lanie . Might be worth you posting this as a stand alone thread in the Sexless Marriage area. Posts in this welcome area tend to get lost.
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lanie
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by lanie on Sept 13, 2021 5:31:43 GMT -5
Thank you baza, both for the welcome and the advice .
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 13, 2021 6:12:52 GMT -5
Welcome lanie,..Like the rest of us you are still trying to puzzle out what happened and why. It's fortunate you found this site as you are trying to find your way through this difficult time. Most of us did the "why" chasing for years, some for decades and most of us had little success. If you haven't been able to get an honest answer from him about his loss of desire for you I would 1st suggest looking for a medical reason. Low testosterone, thyroid issues and other medical conditions can have a great impact on the desire for sex. Start looking there 1st. And again, welcome to the forum.
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