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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 10, 2021 19:49:01 GMT -5
Married 35 years to the woman I love.... I will never leave her. Welcome! and...sorry you're here. There is a section of the forum called "Choosing to Stay" that is supposed to remain respectful of your marital commitment if you want to vent there, seek advice, commiserate, or enlist other support whether that includes opening your marriage, an affair, or toughing it out. We've seen them all.
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alchemist
New Member
eskimo
Posts: 3
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by alchemist on Mar 18, 2021 9:57:08 GMT -5
Hey, just joined, UK male from near London - in my 50s and in DB on and off for 25 years plus. I've learned a lot about myself in this time and have finally reached some acceptance with it. It's no longer an issue for me - happy to share re that (or not). Tbh it's more lockdown over the last year that has been the real challenge, probably why I have arrived here! Anyway, I'm a writer among other things and is good to find a place with so many people being supportive to each other and not so good that so many people are in this position. Hopefully I can contribute at some point but for now I'm just saying hi!
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Post by worksforme2 on Mar 18, 2021 11:44:31 GMT -5
Welcome to our little group alchemist. I think I have seen you visiting once or twice lately. You are right in that we are generally supportive of each other although we sometimes point out the obvious when someone fails to see it in their dysfunctional relationship. Keep reading and hopefully you will find something that will be of use or comfort to you as you find your way through your SM. We are slowly but steadily adding to the membership living in Great Britain......DB ?
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Post by Handy on Mar 18, 2021 12:48:04 GMT -5
DB=dead bedroom About the same as a SM. Alchemist, welcome to the forum. I have read your post over on www.tapatalk.com/groups/sexlessmarriage/If semen retention works for you, great. It doesn't work for many people. Say Hi to Rudra from Handy on that forum. I used to post there until FaceBook took it over. I despise Face Book. I think highly of Rudra and she is one smart cookie in many ways. I recently viewed her Nebraska Water Falls posts.
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alchemist
New Member
eskimo
Posts: 3
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by alchemist on Mar 19, 2021 14:33:30 GMT -5
DB=dead bedroom About the same as a SM. Alchemist, welcome to the forum. I have read your post over on www.tapatalk.com/groups/sexlessmarriage/If semen retention works for you, great. It doesn't work for many people. Say Hi to Rudra from Handy on that forum. I used to post there until FaceBook took it over. I despise Face Book. I think highly of Rudra and she is one smart cookie in many ways. I recently viewed her Nebraska Water Falls posts. Hiya, yeah I posted there too. That forum is dead though I think? Thanks for the welcome! Yes, it is not for everyone. Might not even be for me long-term though it is for now. Not sure how long it would last if I met a Goddess lol. But really, it's different solutions for different people, we're all unique and evolving, anything is possible. Well... almost anything lol! Good to meet you!
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Post by jerri on Mar 23, 2021 18:32:46 GMT -5
Hello, alchemist Welcome. I am also from the SM forum with a large break in posting. I liked this one because it's harder to find and I was looking for Handy. You can bring over a memorable post to introduce yourself if you wish. I will go read a few of your posts.
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Post by scotinbe on Apr 6, 2021 7:41:01 GMT -5
I’m a 20 year old male (in my head anyway), but physically a child of the 70s.
Been with my wife 18 years, regular sex stopped literally the day we moved in together - 16 year, 4 months and 4 days ago (does that sound bitter?)
How we got together and started living together was a bit complicated. It was several years before we got married, now have 3 kids ranging from pre-teen to upper-mid single digits.
Kid number 1 was quite a surprise, since we’d only had sex 4 times in the previous 16 months. Obviously I knew exactly when conception happened!
Numbers 2 and 3 were planned - all I can say is that apparently I’m a very good shot, hitting bullseye almost first time all 3 times.
Other than that - British expat living on the continent for 20 years. Utterly miserable with the lack of intimacy, but feel completely trapped.
Recently started seeing a psychologist after finally admitting to myself I’ve been in burn-out state for years (self employed, 3 kids, mortgage, various other stuff etc).
I’ve managed to deal with (or at least acknowledge) most of the other issues I need to deal with - but this lack of intimacy really is the elephant in the room for me.
This is the 2nd sexless relationship I’ve been in - and I’m finally realising that it really isn’t my fault, and no matter how much I try to please - there will always be another hurdle to jump, or another reason for being the “bad guy” and being denied as a punishment.
I’ve had other relationships, some with fantastic physical side but emotionally a dead-zone, rarely found a good mix of sexual, emotional and intellectual “fit” - and when I did, life would sucker-punch me and I’d be spitting out teeth and blood for a looong time.
Anyway, I’ve already started posting in a couple of posts - sorry if I spam the forum a bit; it’s such a relief to finally talk to other ‘uman beans who are in the same boat!
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Post by angeleyes65 on Apr 6, 2021 9:17:43 GMT -5
scotinbe welcome to the club no one wants to belong to. But you're in good company. If you are looking for solace, a place to vent or encouraging stories on how people got out or stayed and found a way to cope. There is a little bit of everything here. There are even a few that turned it around but those are rare.
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Post by petrushka on Apr 6, 2021 15:20:32 GMT -5
This is the 2nd sexless relationship I’ve been in - and I’m finally realising that it really isn’t my fault, and no matter how much I try to please - there will always be another hurdle to jump, or another reason for being the “bad guy” and being denied as a punishment.
... what I call "the hamster wheel". Never mind how much you try to please, no matter what contortions you go to, it's never right, never good enough.
My wife (sexless and affection-less after 3 years) went down that road after 3 years in the relationship. Took me another 6 years (and landing in the
predecessor of this forum) to call her on it. Nothing I did was ever right. There was something wrong with every service, every gift, every excursion... not to mention that I 'kept abusing her'. Which seemed to happen in a parallel universe because I sure wasn't party to it. I checked with some of my friends, and some of her friends, and they agreed with me, so with 20/20 hindsight I think it was just behaviour to keep me at a distance, while she
was stomping around ready to blow up at the drop of a pin. Not really doing herself any favours either.
My approach was to tell her that I wasn't getting my needs met, that I wasn't getting my wants met, and I was rapidly losing the will and the interest in keeping the relationship going. And that I was utterly sick of all that passive aggressive shit.
I think I am one of the very few people in the forum who got lucky in that she listened to me, and she's modified her behaviour a lot over the last 18 years. Quite affectionate physically now, and no more bullshit - but sadly the interest in sex has not rekindled at all; and I'm not into dead fish sex, so ... 18 years as a monk by now.
If the hamster wheel had continued, I would have walked. It is emotional abuse, no more, no less. Just stop playing - stop trying to please, don't react to the accusations is my strategy and the abuse stopped. Behaviour that is not rewarded ... etc.
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 7, 2021 3:49:03 GMT -5
...Been with my wife 18 years, ... Kid number 1 was quite a surprise, since we’d only had sex 4 times in the previous 16 months...., I’ve already started posting in a couple of posts - sorry if I spam the forum a bit; ... I'd been with my wife 18 years when I'd had enough. I started tracking our intimacy on a calendar. We were clocking in at four times a year. Slightly higher than you. While I wasn't sexless at the time, it took very "unsafe" few attempts for my wife to be with child. Makes me wonder whether high fertility and sexlessness have a link. An especially fertile woman would have good evolutionary reason to be hesitant to have sex. She'd want to be very sure an extra baby was a good idea. Maybe to the subconscious level. I tend to think of spam as lots of posting offering no value. (like trying to sell junk). Almost no one has that problem here except some dude who keeps hawking a Vietnamese casino. (you think I'm kidding?)
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Post by iamdarkblue1980 on May 12, 2021 13:32:04 GMT -5
Ok I’m new here and to forum in general. I started at the anxiety app in Tapatalk and then found this one. So I’ll keep short and sweet… i’m 40 years old and have been sexually active since I was 16. I’ve always enjoyed sex everything about it I have been married twice and now divorced twice as well my first marriage ended after I gave birth to my son and my husband stopped touching me because my body was not the same as it was before (c section) and my husband would tell me how disgusting I was and how he was repulsed by seeing me naked. Fast forward to three years after that no sex at all I finally had sex again with who was way hot and younger who I worked with and ended up getting pregnant on the pill. That didn’t work out fast forward to a few years later when I married a guy who I’ve known since I was 12 years old. I thought I finally found THE ONE and Our sex life was the most magical sex life I could ever imagine I never felt that I needed to hide anything he always knew exactly what to do and it was great until I found out about his opiate addiction and left him. Fast forward to now I stayed single for a while and would go back to him when I needed to get off because I didn’t wanna sleep around. And then I met my current boyfriend we’ve been together two years he’s 12 years younger. At the beginning of our relationship sex is awesome I taught him a few things and he had a very good stamina I guess you could call me a cougar in a way. He loves me dearly and he loves my children just the same and I moved out of Florida to the Midwest to start a life here with him because his son is here. Ever since we’ve been here the sex is stopped the intimacy is stopped he barely even kisses me still loves me still does everything I ask but the sexual part of our relationship is gone and it’s driving me crazy so here I am on a forum talking to strangers about some thing I’ve never told anyone else.
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Post by Handy on May 12, 2021 13:45:30 GMT -5
Imdarkblue1980, welcome to the forum. You belong here. Start your own thread-story in the "Sexless Marriage Issues" area. That way everything you post will be in your own thread and not packed in with other peoples stories. Scars? I have a few but they haven't changed who I am. They shouldn't change who you are. Stuff happens that result in a few bo-boos, no biggie.
I look forward to hearing more about your life.
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Post by mirrororchid on May 12, 2021 19:14:28 GMT -5
Ok I’m new here and to forum in general. I started at the anxiety app in Tapatalk and then found this one. So I’ll keep short and sweet… i’m 40 years old and have been sexually active since I was 16. I’ve always enjoyed sex everything about it I have been married twice and now divorced twice as well my first marriage ended after I gave birth to my son and my husband stopped touching me because my body was not the same as it was before (c section) and my husband would tell me how disgusting I was and how he was repulsed by seeing me naked. Fast forward to three years after that no sex at all I finally had sex again with who was way hot and younger who I worked with and ended up getting pregnant on the pill. That didn’t work out fast forward to a few years later when I married a guy who I’ve known since I was 12 years old. I thought I finally found THE ONE and Our sex life was the most magical sex life I could ever imagine I never felt that I needed to hide anything he always knew exactly what to do and it was great until I found out about his opiate addiction and left him. Fast forward to now I stayed single for a while and would go back to him when I needed to get off because I didn’t wanna sleep around. And then I met my current boyfriend we’ve been together two years he’s 12 years younger. At the beginning of our relationship sex is awesome I taught him a few things and he had a very good stamina I guess you could call me a cougar in a way. He loves me dearly and he loves my children just the same and I moved out of Florida to the Midwest to start a life here with him because his son is here. Ever since we’ve been here the sex is stopped the intimacy is stopped he barely even kisses me still loves me still does everything I ask but the sexual part of our relationship is gone and it’s driving me crazy so here I am on a forum talking to strangers about some thing I’ve never told anyone else. Dang, girl. A hat trick of sexless relationships. It's uncanny. Welcome to ILIASM ILIASRelationship? Maybe need to go back to the opiate guy. Did this young buck think you'd be a mom for his kid? Crikey. Opiate guy seems to fill the bill when the need arises, and maybe he'll quit someday. I listen to addiction podcasts as part of my study of psychiatry, and I get the impression it's quite the feat to kick. While you wait for Mr. Right, maybe opiate guy will find his way out. Getting some loving from a non addictive friend may be helpful, I'd think. (Just so long as you don't get roped in!) My wife had two caesarians. I owe my kids to those scars. I disagree with your first husband's views.
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Post by baza on May 12, 2021 19:48:31 GMT -5
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Post by catlover on May 13, 2021 6:15:09 GMT -5
Married 35 years to the woman I love. Dealt with the obligatory sex for several years but that makes me feel guilty so I stopped approaching her when she admitted she really has no desire or "sex drive". No real affection which is difficult for me. Casual kiss on the lips when leaving the house but nothing more. Never touches me or cuddles in bed and I honestly miss the affection almost as much as the crazy sex we enjoyed when we first met. Tried to talk to her about what else I can do but she maintains that she simply has no interest. I've never been unfaithful but do engage in some porn to keep me from resenting her more. Tried to encourage soft "women's porn" viewing but she's not interested in that. We're an older couple (she 6 years younger than me) but I really miss the intimacy and affection. When I watch porn I don't fantasize about having sex with the women I picture her in those situations. I've tried to stop porn and have done so for a few months at a time but always fall back to it in frustration. I will never leave her. Damn, your situation sounds so similiar to mine. Tried to broach the topic of 'settling' for SOME physical affection, seem to reach some level of ynderstand ing and then nothing changes.
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