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Post by baza on Nov 25, 2020 22:45:12 GMT -5
So, I'm new here, obviously. And like a lot of posts I have seen already I never thought I would be here, and so on. I have been with my partner for nearly 20 years, we have 2 kids, both now teenagers. Our sex life is minimal, at best, and it really upsets me. I have tried to explain/tell my partner frequently but she just refuses to discuss it and it gets dismissed as 'nonsense', or 'don't be stupid'. I feel she has no acceptance of the issue or just doesn't want to deal with it, and how much it upsets me, leaves me frustrated and asking lots of questions about myself - am I just bad at sex? do I not do the right things? am I not pleasing her enough? I feel terrible by admitting 'I like sex', to me its part of the relationship, but now-a-days I don't even get a cuddle in bed, its at the point where I dread going to bed at night as it makes me feel so lonely. Am now slowly coming around to the realisation that things are not going to change, and that its me that needs to make the change. Having only found this forum today, purely by accident and reading a few of the posts I feel am I no longer alone. Not sure on the next step in my journey. Are you in a mindset where you figure - "everything is great bar the sex" Brother mattyb ? Many people do arrive here in that mindset. And as often as not, as their story unfolds, a tale emerges of deep dysfunctionality in the marriage with the lack of sex being the major symptom of underlying issues. So I'd invite you to take a step back, and as objectively as you can, put the marriage - the whole marriage - under the microscope. It is important in these situations to deal with the facts as they stand today. Not as the facts were say 20 years ago.
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mattyb
New Member
Posts: 8
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by mattyb on Nov 25, 2020 23:05:37 GMT -5
Thats the thing tmd, its got the point where I do feel guilty (probably wrong choice of words) for liking sex. To put some context. We have sex maybe 3-4 times a year, it now feels as though its some kind of sympathy shag rather than 2 people who have been together a long time enjoying and being committed. And its so functional, I could write down now the steps it would go through. Sad and lonlely place to be.
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mattyb
New Member
Posts: 8
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by mattyb on Nov 25, 2020 23:17:41 GMT -5
baza yes, I guess I do have that mindset to a degree. We get on fine, but I don't want to get on fine, I want to be in a relationship where everything is shared, and its not. While we get on, its all just going through the day to day stuff. The marriage isn't working, I guess I have fallen into the 'well we don't argue all the time, so everything must be ok'
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Post by TMD on Nov 26, 2020 0:13:37 GMT -5
Thats the thing tmd, its got the point where I do feel guilty (probably wrong choice of words) for liking sex. To put some context. We have sex maybe 3-4 times a year, it now feels as though its some kind of sympathy shag rather than 2 people who have been together a long time enjoying and being committed. And its so functional, I could write down now the steps it would go through. Sad and lonlely place to be. You’re preaching to the choir. We are a unique group of SM misfits. Hang in there.
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Post by gladifoundthisforum on Nov 26, 2020 5:31:47 GMT -5
Hello everybody, I'm a new (female) face from England I wish I had known about this site (or it's predecessor) many years ago; having read lots of stories/threads on here from other members, I now feel much more like a normal human, and less like a total weirdo I will be trying to get my situation written down to get opinions and feedback from you chaps, but I've got quite a lot of 'back-story' with my problem. (and I think it *is* all relevant) This is proving very hard to get down 'on-paper'.... When I eventually manage to get it all straightened out, please have patience with with what is going to be a very long post ! I'll 'speak' to you all soon, I hope :-)
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Post by baza on Nov 26, 2020 6:03:49 GMT -5
When you do get around to your story Sister gladifoundthisforum , post it in the "Sexless Narriage" folder would be my suggestion. Posts in the "Welcome" folder get buried really quickly as new posts accrue, so it's a helluva lot easier to follow if you have a stand alone thread.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 26, 2020 8:22:32 GMT -5
So, I'm new here, obviously. And like a lot of posts I have seen already I never thought I would be here, and so on. Welcome to the forum mattyb...You might consider moving your story to the SM or Choosing to Stay theme where more people are likely to see it. It seems you have done some reading already so you know what the site is about and maybe you have found some members who's stories mirror your own. Hopefully you will find this site useful.
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Post by isthisit on Nov 26, 2020 17:00:47 GMT -5
Hello everybody, I'm a new (female) face from England I wish I had known about this site (or it's predecessor) many years ago; having read lots of stories/threads on here from other members, I now feel much more like a normal human, and less like a total weirdo I will be trying to get my situation written down to get opinions and feedback from you chaps, but I've got quite a lot of 'back-story' with my problem. (and I think it *is* all relevant) This is proving very hard to get down 'on-paper'.... When I eventually manage to get it all straightened out, please have patience with with what is going to be a very long post ! I'll 'speak' to you all soon, I hope :-) Oh wow! You wait two years for another British woman, and like buses.... two come along at once! Welcome, and take your time to share your story. You will find kindness, wisdom and compassion here. You’re not a weirdo at all, and I hope that the support here will eradicate any of that thinking. We’ve all been there.
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Post by isthisit on Nov 26, 2020 17:45:14 GMT -5
baza yes, I guess I do have that mindset to a degree. We get on fine, but I don't want to get on fine, I want to be in a relationship where everything is shared, and its not. While we get on, its all just going through the day to day stuff. The marriage isn't working, I guess I have fallen into the 'well we don't argue all the time, so everything must be ok' Welcome, although I am sorry you find yourself here. You may need to be prepared for your perception above to change. It’s unlikely to be all great bar the sex, as you might be discovering. We’ve all trodden that path, take your time to process the stories and wisdom here.
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Post by njsojourner on Nov 27, 2020 9:34:57 GMT -5
Thats the thing tmd , its got the point where I do feel guilty (probably wrong choice of words) for liking sex. To put some context. We have sex maybe 3-4 times a year, it now feels as though its some kind of sympathy shag rather than 2 people who have been together a long time enjoying and being committed. And its so functional, I could write down now the steps it would go through. Sad and lonlely place to be. Mattyb don’t feel guilty for liking sex. I felt guilty for a while asking my wife repeatedly for sex and in her case making her feel guilty or upset over her lack of sex drive and inability to satisfy my needs. I may be in a different situation as my wife physically can’t have sex without pain so once that was properly diagnosed by doctors I felt even more guilty! But truthfully, men and women have needs and marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Everyone’s solution is different. In the end, it’s not rocket science as there are only a few options: (1)stay in a sexless marriage and learn to deal with it without animosity (not easy but not impossible I suppose); (2)stay and be angry and hate each other (not fun for anyone, especially if there are children); (3)stay and outsource with or without your partner’s permission; (4)leave the relationship and start over. I chose #3 but that is not for everyone. We all feel for you and have been there. Anyway we can help let us know.
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Post by snowman12345 on Dec 12, 2020 14:39:19 GMT -5
So, I'm new here, obviously. And like a lot of posts I have seen already I never thought I would be here, and so on. I have been with my partner for nearly 20 years, we have 2 kids, both now teenagers. Our sex life is minimal, at best, and it really upsets me. I have tried to explain/tell my partner frequently but she just refuses to discuss it and it gets dismissed as 'nonsense', or 'don't be stupid'. I feel she has no acceptance of the issue or just doesn't want to deal with it, and how much it upsets me, leaves me frustrated and asking lots of questions about myself - am I just bad at sex? do I not do the right things? am I not pleasing her enough? I feel terrible by admitting 'I like sex', to me its part of the relationship, but now-a-days I don't even get a cuddle in bed, its at the point where I dread going to bed at night as it makes me feel so lonely. Am now slowly coming around to the realisation that things are not going to change, and that its me that needs to make the change. Having only found this forum today, purely by accident and reading a few of the posts I feel am I no longer alone. Not sure on the next step in my journey. I think the majority of us here like sex (heck what's not to like?) and have unwilling partners. There is a lot of good advise and bad examples (mostly me) here. Good luck with your journey and may you find peace. P.S. Listen to Baza, he is the Yoda of ILIASM.
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Post by jerri on Dec 12, 2020 17:54:40 GMT -5
So, I'm new here, obviously. And like a lot of posts I have seen already I never thought I would be here, and so on. I have been with my partner for nearly 20 years, we have 2 kids, both now teenagers. Our sex life is minimal, at best, and it really upsets me. I have tried to explain/tell my partner frequently but she just refuses to discuss it and it gets dismissed as 'nonsense', or 'don't be stupid'. I feel she has no acceptance of the issue or just doesn't want to deal with it, and how much it upsets me, leaves me frustrated and asking lots of questions about myself - am I just bad at sex? do I not do the right things? am I not pleasing her enough? I feel terrible by admitting 'I like sex', to me its part of the relationship, but now-a-days I don't even get a cuddle in bed, its at the point where I dread going to bed at night as it makes me feel so lonely. Am now slowly coming around to the realisation that things are not going to change, and that its me that needs to make the change. Having only found this forum today, purely by accident and reading a few of the posts I feel am I no longer alone. Not sure on the next step in my journey. I think the majority of us here like sex (heck what's not to like?) and have unwilling partners. There is a lot of good advise and bad examples (mostly me) here. Good luck with your journey and may you find peace. P.S. Listen to Baza, he is the Yoda of ILIASM. you found a way and there's nothing wrong with that. You are not giving away anything that she wants and you didn't toss her to the curb! You are a good example. A lot of people turn their heads because it serves them as well. You haven't been caught?
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Post by petrushka on Dec 14, 2020 4:39:22 GMT -5
Hello everybody, I'm a new (female) face from England I wish I had known about this site (or it's predecessor) many years ago; having read lots of stories/threads on here from other members, I now feel much more like a normal human, and less like a total weirdo I will be trying to get my situation written down to get opinions and feedback from you chaps, but I've got quite a lot of 'back-story' with my problem. (and I think it *is* all relevant) This is proving very hard to get down 'on-paper'.... When I eventually manage to get it all straightened out, please have patience with with what is going to be a very long post ! I'll 'speak' to you all soon, I hope :-)
If nothing else, this site is wonderful for a sanity check. I think may of us were doubting outselves one way or another when we got here.
Generally speaking, these things don't apply: I am still attractive, am I not attractive enough? Should I do the dishes more often? Is my desire to have sex now and again unreasonable? Am I a sex fiend/addict? My partner is suffering a hormone deficiency.
These things don't seem to work: scented candles in the bedroom doing the dishes more often lingery, sexy dress, going to the gym every day ...
Mostly what it seems to boil down to is: we are living with a dud. What it boils down to is: what do you, I, he, she, it want to do about it, and
do we want to continue as it is, or can we not bear it any more.
Talking to people here may help to sharpen the picture and crystallize an answer.
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Post by gladifoundthisforum on Dec 14, 2020 16:48:40 GMT -5
You're very right about the sanity check! And it seems I am now in a 're-set'..... how long it lasts is anyone's guess....
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Post by saarinista on Dec 14, 2020 17:23:38 GMT -5
You're very right about the sanity check! And it seems I am now in a 're-set'..... how long it lasts is anyone's guess.... At least you know it's a reset. Not likely to last.
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