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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 6, 2020 5:23:33 GMT -5
I've been married 20 years and most of it has been sexless. In the beginning, he worked so much I had no idea his sex drive was so low. I usually initiated since he was tired. Then after switching jobs and moving across the country, I thought things would change being that we had more time together. Needless to say, the issue got worse. He will literally say to me that he does want me and does want sex...that I'm being ridiculous. Complete gaslighting. I had to resort to tracking our sexual activity so I knew I wasn't crazy. We have sex once a quarter. Actually, I'm currently not having sex with him anymore - it's been 9 months. I'm hoping to get some good tips/advice or just hear others' stories now that I know this is a thing. Quarterly was my rate too for 2016-2018. The statistics say 1/5 marriages are sexless. It's criminal how well kept a secret this is. Welcome. You're going to find some remarkable support here. Adding to Baza's list, jerri 's journey might be useful. Her husband was willing, but couldn't make himself follow through.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2020 8:06:28 GMT -5
I've been married 20 years and most of it has been sexless. In the beginning, he worked so much I had no idea his sex drive was so low. I usually initiated since he was tired. Then after switching jobs and moving across the country, I thought things would change being that we had more time together. Needless to say, the issue got worse. He will literally say to me that he does want me and does want sex...that I'm being ridiculous. Complete gaslighting. I had to resort to tracking our sexual activity so I knew I wasn't crazy. We have sex once a quarter. Actually, I'm currently not having sex with him anymore - it's been 9 months. I'm hoping to get some good tips/advice or just hear others' stories now that I know this is a thing. Welcome jess .... As baza said rather accurately, though, these things rarely have the outcome we are hoping for when we first find these pages. The upside is, I was able to find the strength and clarity I needed to make the decision I needed to make thru the words of the members. I wish you luck! I would say luck in working things out as you now desire, but being out of mine just shy of a year now, I see things worked out as they needed to for me, if not how I initially hoped. Reach out whenever. We're all here for you.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 6, 2020 9:02:55 GMT -5
Welcome to the group jchiker. If you stay please share as much as you feel comfortable with. The more you share the more feed back you will get and that offers the potential for something that's really relevant and useful for you as you go forward. I would also encourage you to move your story to the Sexless Marriage or Choosing to Stay themes. I share some of the experiences you have related. Following menopause intimacy became quarterly and if I tried to initiate anything more it was usually unwelcome. I also tracked the frequency because my then W would often state "we just had sex". A quick look at the calendar would show it was weeks or months ago. Your avatar shows you to be relatively young, perhaps late 30's or early 40's. I am sorry to say this but if the history of your marriage has been pretty much low to non existent intimacy it's highly unlikely to get better. The one thought I have is has he ever had his hormones checked? Low testosterone is not uncommon and thyroid issues can reduce his desire as well. I would recommend a check up 1st to rule out medical issues as a cause. If he is OK physically then there is something else going on.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 6, 2020 9:16:23 GMT -5
Hello kittydupree,....mirrororchid has pretty much summed up the jest of what goes on here. We are not therapists, we do not dispense medical advice unless it is of the more generic stuff. What does happen here is people post as much info as they feel comfortable doing and the members dissect it and relate their own experiences to it. Sometimes members do come on just to b*tch or vent, and that's OK. We all have to blow off a little steam at times. The site consists of primarily empathetic and understanding people who have all experienced dysfunctional marriages or relationships. It is generally supportive but has been known to respond with some "tuff love" if it seems called for. Is it for actual help? Yes and No. Depends on what you are looking for. There are a few marriages that are fairly functional and where spouses seem to genuinely care about each other, in spite of the lack of intimacy. You will find those folks in the Choosing to Stay theme.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Nov 6, 2020 17:37:44 GMT -5
jess welcome. Looking forward to hearing more of your story. As many have said theses marriages rarely turn around people either stay and find a way to be happy with what they have or move on. I'm one that tried fixing it. Tried living with it . Tried out sourcing and eventually divorced. Been out 3 years.
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Post by jerri on Nov 7, 2020 3:59:57 GMT -5
I've been married 20 years and most of it has been sexless. In the beginning, he worked so much I had no idea his sex drive was so low. I usually initiated since he was tired. Then after switching jobs and moving across the country, I thought things would change being that we had more time together. Needless to say, the issue got worse. He will literally say to me that he does want me and does want sex...that I'm being ridiculous. Complete gaslighting. I had to resort to tracking our sexual activity so I knew I wasn't crazy. We have sex once a quarter. Actually, I'm currently not having sex with him anymore - it's been 9 months. I'm hoping to get some good tips/advice or just hear others' stories now that I know this is a thing. Quarterly was my rate too for 2016-2018. The statistics say 1/5 marriages is sexless. It's criminal how well kept a secret this is. Welcome. You're going to find some remarkable support here. Adding to Baza's list, jerri 's journey might be useful. Her husband was willing, but couldn't make himself follow through. Dejavu Over two decades Sexless Dejavu, He said l didn't stimulate him. Dejavu, I had to place dots on a calendar. Tips: I liked Ellen Kriedman's Book "Light her/his 🔥 Fire" and we liked the 10 second kiss. I dressed very sexy. Slipped out the master bedroom door, fell in the b ackyard, and rang the doorbell. He answered, I said, shh, don't tell your wife, I'm here to pleasure you!... We both had a blast, but what I didn't know was that it doesn't get better, it gets worse. I'm not going anywhere. I choose to stay here. I announced that I would be getting sex elsewhere. Notice l didn't ask? I didn't follow through until I knew I would probably not get sex and I was sure l was deserted. It was fun to finally find a man who was went out of his way in bed.
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Post by njsojourner on Nov 8, 2020 22:45:03 GMT -5
I can only offer one man’s view.... if you can otherwise get along and have what you need, outsource. Whether you tell him or not is clearly up to your after assessing how it will impact your situation. In my case, after trying everything possible, I decided staying and having my need met elsewhere was the best path for me and even for her. I am not sure if on some level she knows but we have never spoken about it (years ago outsourcing came up briefly and then she dropped it). But I have had a few “friends with benefits” I’ve connected with over the last few years — all married too — and looking for a good fuck (or at least a fuck). Lol. Though I like the ladies,treat them with respect, and give them what they want sexually, I maintain enough emotional distance to prevent complications. We get together, chat, often have dinner and/drinks, then go and have some great intimate fun. They are happy, I am happy, and I think our spouses are grateful we leave them alone. You deserve to be happy and sexually fulfilled. In my view, it’s just sex—not love—sex. Just my view and experience and it’s what keeps me semi-sane.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 9, 2020 11:31:44 GMT -5
jess welcome. Looking forward to hearing more of your story. As many have said theses marriages rarely turn around people either stay and find a way to be happy with what they have or move on. I'm one that tried fixing it. Tried living with it . Tried out sourcing and eventually divorced. Been out 3 years. This all of the advice summed up quite perfectly: "theses marriages rarely turn around people either stay and find a way to be happy with what they have or move on". I would only modify it slightly, perhaps, "these marriages never turn around..." In the absence of some very specific medical issue that is "curable", the libido gap only gets wider and resentment fills the space.
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Post by mirrororchid on Nov 9, 2020 20:22:43 GMT -5
jess welcome. Looking forward to hearing more of your story. As many have said theses marriages rarely turn around people either stay and find a way to be happy with what they have or move on. I'm one that tried fixing it. Tried living with it . Tried out sourcing and eventually divorced. Been out 3 years. This all of the advice summed up quite perfectly: "theses marriages rarely turn around people either stay and find a way to be happy with what they have or move on". I would only modify it slightly, perhaps, "these marriages never turn around..." In the absence of some very specific medical issue that is "curable", the libido gap only gets wider and resentment fills the space. It may be the exception that proves the rule, and it may be that success stories just disappear, no longer needing ILIASM support, but I have heard of women bringing husbands to their senses, and by searching "turnaround" I found: iliasm.org/post/128691which was PaulB's last post since January. We can hope the intervening silence is a good sign. I've seen a 3:1 ratio of women fixing things to guys. (and that's conservative) In my own experience, resentment did fill the gap produced by libidos separating further apart, until I started on the path to outsourcing, at which point I was able to be magnanimous, looking after her joy in our marriage which no longer needed to include sex. That improvement in my attitude may have contributed to our reset. (not to jinx it) Other ILIASM members may have collect more thorough/accurate stats.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Nov 9, 2020 20:41:23 GMT -5
While outsourcing did give me a better attitude for awhile. Things weren't great but I was able to be happy in the room mate situation. I also started putting myself first. But eventually instead of being grateful for what I was getting I started being resentful of what I couldn't have. Seeing happy couples out in public. Romance. Cuddling at night. Waking up with some one I wanted to be with. Even though me leaving was hard on him and hard for me it felt like the kinder thing to do. I guess things work out differently for everyone. The important thing is to be happy however you can be. ♥️
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timedelay
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Age Range: 46-50
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Post by timedelay on Nov 13, 2020 10:23:38 GMT -5
I do not plan on discussing it with her. That definitely is contributing to my dilemma on what to do and how to deal with this.
I don't know if you are still checking in here or how you have been doing with your marriage but I just came across this post and want to offer my two cents. Did you change your mind about discussing all these issues with your wife?
I'm biased toward complete honesty as a force for change; if neither you nor your wife are willing to offer truth then I don't see a way forward. You have a long history together. Isn't it worth unpacking that and working together as friends if nothing else, to find a future where you both can find joy? I know how hard it is, believe me, having tough conversations and uncovering a reality we've been skirting the edge of is a bloody nightmare at times. What's the alternative though? Carrying on for another decade or two, just like this?
I'm also wondering if you have considered counselling, either individually or as a couple? A professional might be able to provide the framework you both need to speak honestly about everything that has happened.
Apologies if you've already been over all this, I can't see the entire thread.
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timedelay
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Post by timedelay on Nov 13, 2020 10:38:08 GMT -5
I've been married 20 years and most of it has been sexless. In the beginning, he worked so much I had no idea his sex drive was so low. I usually initiated since he was tired. Then after switching jobs and moving across the country, I thought things would change being that we had more time together. Needless to say, the issue got worse. He will literally say to me that he does want me and does want sex...that I'm being ridiculous. Complete gaslighting. I had to resort to tracking our sexual activity so I knew I wasn't crazy. We have sex once a quarter. Actually, I'm currently not having sex with him anymore - it's been 9 months. I'm hoping to get some good tips/advice or just hear others' stories now that I know this is a thing. Hi jchiker. Sadly, yes, it is a thing. 20 years of sexless marriage is my backstory now too. I understand what you mean by the gaslighting. I have made progress since joining iliasm over a year ago and am happy to swap stories and tips (such as they are). It's reassuring and a bit depressing at the same time to find so many others going through similar things. Good luck with finding your solutions!
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Post by njsojourner on Nov 18, 2020 21:20:39 GMT -5
The great thing about this site is (1)we realize we are not alone and (2)we can support each other. It’s been great to have other reach out and support me, offer advice, commiserate. And I have been blessed to be able to return that for others who ask/reach out. If not us, who?
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mattyb
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Posts: 8
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by mattyb on Nov 25, 2020 22:08:16 GMT -5
So, I'm new here, obviously. And like a lot of posts I have seen already I never thought I would be here, and so on. I have been with my partner for nearly 20 years, we have 2 kids, both now teenagers. Our sex life is minimal, at best, and it really upsets me. I have tried to explain/tell my partner frequently but she just refuses to discuss it and it gets dismissed as 'nonsense', or 'don't be stupid'. I feel she has no acceptance of the issue or just doesn't want to deal with it, and how much it upsets me, leaves me frustrated and asking lots of questions about myself - am I just bad at sex? do I not do the right things? am I not pleasing her enough? I feel terrible by admitting 'I like sex', to me its part of the relationship, but now-a-days I don't even get a cuddle in bed, its at the point where I dread going to bed at night as it makes me feel so lonely. Am now slowly coming around to the realisation that things are not going to change, and that its me that needs to make the change. Having only found this forum today, purely by accident and reading a few of the posts I feel am I no longer alone. Not sure on the next step in my journey.
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Post by TMD on Nov 25, 2020 22:17:43 GMT -5
There is no shame in liking sex, mattyb. Having shame for liking sex is what kept me in my marriage well past its expiry date. ((Still in marriage, but no longer feel shameful for liking sex).
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