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Post by saarinista on Sept 27, 2020 11:39:04 GMT -5
Hello. Yes complete newbie here. Just was introduced to this forum by a member in a marriage forum.
I can't believe how many people are in the same boat as I.
Short or who I am...... 25 years married-My wife left me and my son for a 2 year affair. Then she came to me and asked me to protect her, because he was threatening her and others. So I felt obligated.
So basically the other guy is the last person to ever have sex with my wife. Yea I know I am an idiot for sticking with this. But I did alot of it for my son. Welcome. So you felt obligated to rescue your refuser wife, eh? Amazing what we do for the people who hurt us, isn't it? Have you discussed your feelings with your wife? Any indication your son is grateful for what you're doing? Are YOU feeling good about taking your wife back. What are you getting out of this arrangement? Those are just a few of the questions people here might ask you. Again, welcome.
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Post by njsojourner on Sept 29, 2020 19:59:46 GMT -5
My wife and I have been married 22 years, and I believe we've had sex only about 10 times. The last time was about 9 or 10 years ago, and before that was about 5 years. So, not much in the way of physical intimacy. Even my attempts to just cuddle are tolerated for about a minute before she shrugs me off. I masturbate frequently, but I feel starved of intimate physical contact. Aside from this, she is wonderful in just about every way. We get along very well, we've supported each other, and been exceedingly strong partners in raising our son, who will be going off to college next year. We laugh together, we talk about our days, we make plans for the future. And yet, the fact of the matter is that, in the absence of sex, I think compulsively about extramarital relations (not with anyone specifically, just imagining). I've even created dummy accounts on dating sites to see what's out there (just looking; never communicated with anyone, don't want to mess with other people's lives). And, of course, I've been researching my "condition" and have found my way to this ILIASM community. So, obviously, something needs to be addressed. The thing is, I am not angry at her at all. I guess I do feel resentful at times, but more frequently I'm just so sad that I haven't been able to enjoy this type of relationship with the women I love more than anything in the world. And I don't think I ever will. And I guess I've got to figure out what to do about it.
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Post by njsojourner on Sept 29, 2020 20:14:41 GMT -5
We are all here because we are in a sexless relationship and there are millions of us. I know not everyone can be like me or has my situation. But after years of sexless marriage with an otherwise great wife—I know without sex how could she be great? But she is—she cares for me, my children and grand kids. She is generous to others, donates to her time and treasure to those in need. She is smart and interesting too. But absolutely no interest whatsoever in sex with me or anyone. Now that I am in my 60s I realize there is more to this relationship than sex. Someone will have to be there to wipe the drool from my mouth someday. But I have needs and I do my best to protect her dignity by being uber discreet. Nothing is perfect, nothing can be guaranteed. But life is indeed short and I believe that sex is an important part of our lives so I enjoy all of life’s pleasures NOW. If it comes crashing down, I am a big boy and I will take my punishment whatever it is. I live for now because who knows what tomorrow will be like. Just my philosophy. It does take work to keep,it all discreet and under wraps but frankly, I am a having the time of my life.
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Post by baza on Oct 3, 2020 21:06:54 GMT -5
27 years in a loving and by-and-large happy marriage that became sexless after my wife went through menopause and started having pain issues with sex. I didn’t want to hurt her, so I stopped having sex with her. My own interest in sex resurged three years ago and I’m afraid that I was less than a gentlemen sometimes when she didn’t want sex. Fighting over sex was common, mostly started by me. After two years and some counseling through our church, we had gotten things to the point where we were having less than I wanted and up to her ability to tolerate it. Then COVID hit and we’ve been sexless for eight months and no prospect of anything changing anytime soon. All of my wife’s energy seems to be taken up with work and reading panic porn and Trump hate news online, and she’s always tired. She is insistent that I not help her, but she’s not helping herself either. She says she’ll let me know when she’s ready again but I see no progress toward that. She has no interest in an open marriage and I think even bringing it up would kill our marriage. Looking for something I can do, other than waiting to die. To keep track of your post(s) it's a good idea to open your own thread in the sexless marriage folder. Stories that get dumped into the welcome folder are easily lost and buried. Anyway, if you have gotten desperate enough to start googling "sexless marriage" it's a real bad sign as to the future of your deal. For that reason it is a pretty good idea to see a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you. (Actually it's a good idea irrespective of the quality of ones' marriage - as all marriages end. Death or divorce guarantee you that) You might use the information, or you might not. But you do need the information so you can deal with the facts of your situation. That's all I'd suggest - see a lawyer as step one.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 4, 2020 9:04:34 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum witzend. I can identify with the loss of intimacy due to menopause, I experienced the same in my marriage roughly 8yrs ago. And the resulting loss of moisture in her vagina can bring about a less than comfortable PIV experience. But there are lubricants made for just that condition and hormone therapy for her could help with the loss of libido. The trick is for her to want to use the medications available to her to bring back intimacy. And obviously there are other avenues for satisfying your sexual needs other than PIV. Surely she knows how to give hand jobs, blowjobs, etc. You I would hope would be open to using toys for her that do not require insertion and of coarse giving her oral sex as well. As for her current mindset regarding Covid19 and the upcoming election, I can't give you much advice there. I have found that by the age of 30 most people have little motivation to change the prejudices they have toward other viewpoints, people or philosophies. Even facts will be ignored if they do not fit into a preconceived notion of what is acceptable and right and what isn't. You have had discussions about the lack of intimacy. I would hope the discussions included you making her aware of just how damaging her actions are to you and the marriage. If she is aware of the damage she is doing yet makes little or no effort to change, it is likely she places very little value on you or the relationship. She may value the positive things you bring to the marriage( money, skillsets as a handyman, being a good companion, etc,) but not so much on you as a person. If you have done some reading here you may have noted that there are essentially 3 courses open to you. Stay, cheat or leave. Your post reads like you are in the stay mode right now. I suggest you read the posts in the Choosing to Stay theme. Hopefully you will gain some insight into your marriage and what is the likely scenario you face going forward.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Oct 8, 2020 16:05:25 GMT -5
Hi all. Just a quick note to the board. I would love to be participating more but I'm in the final two weeks of finishing a house and it's crunch time for both appraisal and final County approvals. So, I'll see you all in a couple weeks when my life isn't quite so consumed with building a home.
See ya-
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Post by vickie on Oct 21, 2020 10:31:04 GMT -5
Vickie I am 45. I have been married for 5 years. Live in WV. I have 2 daughters.
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Post by Handy on Oct 21, 2020 10:44:24 GMT -5
Welcome Vickie, from the Mountain State.
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Post by Handy on Oct 21, 2020 16:11:21 GMT -5
Vickie, tell us more about your situation why you are here and what you would like to accomplish.
Start a new threasd under one of the main topics that apply to your situation. We are a friendly and caring group so post away.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Oct 23, 2020 18:18:42 GMT -5
Welcome Vickie
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Post by cooldude on Oct 29, 2020 0:48:59 GMT -5
Howdy iliasmers! I am an EP dude from a decade ago with a pretty similar handle. I definitely remember Pinkberry and possible baza. Looking forward to connecting and giving an update.
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Post by Handy on Oct 29, 2020 2:12:32 GMT -5
Welcome back Cooldude.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Oct 29, 2020 7:09:37 GMT -5
Welcome back Cool dude. I was also a former member of EP.
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jess
New Member
Posts: 3
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Post by jess on Nov 6, 2020 0:42:58 GMT -5
I've been married 20 years and most of it has been sexless. In the beginning, he worked so much I had no idea his sex drive was so low. I usually initiated since he was tired. Then after switching jobs and moving across the country, I thought things would change being that we had more time together. Needless to say, the issue got worse. He will literally say to me that he does want me and does want sex...that I'm being ridiculous. Complete gaslighting. I had to resort to tracking our sexual activity so I knew I wasn't crazy. We have sex once a quarter. Actually, I'm currently not having sex with him anymore - it's been 9 months. I'm hoping to get some good tips/advice or just hear others' stories now that I know this is a thing.
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Post by baza on Nov 6, 2020 3:55:46 GMT -5
It's a good idea to open your own thread in the Sexless Marriage folder Sister jess (it makes it easier to find for the members and easier for you to update if you wish to). Anyway, welcome to the group. Your story is pretty typical of the stories in the group. And typically, these situations don't improve, leaving you with some very challenging choices. There are a lot of stories telling firsthand of other members journeys, I'd recommend you read a few - from their first post onward. Suggested members - choosinghappy - elynne - @whynotm3 - ballofconfusion to name just a few. There's a wealth of information in the stories of those above.
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