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Post by baza on Dec 28, 2019 20:16:06 GMT -5
The slant I get on your post Brother mrg is that your missus' extracurricular activity may still be going on. But that's not particularly important at this point. If this is so, it makes no material difference to your situation in any event. The core issue of what you want out of the marriage is completely at odds with what she wants out of the marriage. Are you dis-satisfied enough to put the marriage on the line - AND - (if necessary) walk away from it ?
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mrg
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Post by mrg on Dec 29, 2019 0:21:54 GMT -5
Thanks Saarinista. Your response is how I've been thinking. I do not want to end my 37 year marriage but I also want to have sex again. I have always enjoyed sex and I miss not having it. Also, I didn't realize how much I liked the intimacy until it was gone too. I really am contemplating having sex outside my marriage (again) but if I am discovered I am sure my marriage will end. There will be no recovery based on her last reaction when she found out about my affair.
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mrg
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Post by mrg on Dec 29, 2019 0:36:07 GMT -5
All,
I do not see the need for STD testing. I wore condoms both times I had intercourse with the other woman and my wife knows that (she asked). It has been over 3-1/2 years and I have not had any symptoms associated with STDs. I do not think this is my wife's issue.
To answer the question, I am the one who discovered her emotional affair in January 2011. She had left he computer on the kitchen counter. I came home and heard it clicking like crazy. I looked and saw that she was messaging the other man from her phone but I could see the conversation on the computer screen. It devastated me. She had been talking to him and texting him constantly on the phone. She had been secretly meeting him when I was with her at stores. They wrote love letters, left messages on holidays, gave gifts to each other, etc. etc. This had been going on for almost 3 years. And this is only what I discovered. It took a week before she shut it down with him and I do believe it is over. I believe (and know) that my poor behavior as a husband and disrespect toward her prior to the discovery definitely contributed to her waywardness. After the discovery, I worked very hard to modify my behavior and I definitely changed it. I treat her well. I complement her frequently, give her gifts, take her out, do things she wants to do, etc. etc. Today, she still really seems to appreciate it all and treats me well in all ways except when it comes to intimacy and sex. I do not push the lack of intimacy/sex or discuss it with her given our previous experiences and I do not plan on discussing it with her. That definitely is contributing to my dilemma on what to do and how to deal with this.
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Post by baza on Dec 29, 2019 6:36:01 GMT -5
Again Brother mrg , if this situation is to be resolved, then some plain honest discussion is unavoidable. Further, unless you are prepared to put the marriage on the line, you aren't going to be able to resolve it. And yes, putting the marriage on the line could quite conceivably blow it up. In fact, that's pretty likely based on the stories seen in here. Think it all through mate. But if you are NOT prepared to put the marriage on the line (and that's a perfectly valid position to take) it is pretty hard to see this one coming to the resolution you'd like.
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Post by jim44444 on Dec 30, 2019 8:39:28 GMT -5
mrg Welcome to the forum. As you read through the stories here you will find that there is no magic solution to an SM. Some might contend that there NO solution, magic or otherwise. I believe a solution exists if partners can discuss their individual needs, are empathic to their partners needs, and are willing to push their personal boundaries for the sake of the relationship. Sorry mrg but I do not see that in your relationship. Consider what you posted that seems to have been glossed over. Believe her. She has no desire or intention to ever fuck you again. That is your reality. Can you seduce her into changing her mind? Not likely and impossible if the two of you do not come to terms with her affair and yours. Quit using the affairs as a war club and see them as a wake up call, learn from them and grow. I will loosely cite your words where you said you won't discuss your SM with her because it causes distress. That scenario precludes all hope of a pleasant resolution. There is only a future of what you have now unless you change the dynamics. To get to a new dynamic you must destroy the old one or as baza states "Put the Marriage on the line".
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 30, 2019 9:28:58 GMT -5
jim44444, you make an interesting point that I hadn’t considered before... that perhaps the affairs are less something to be recovered from (though that is an option), but instead might be indicators that the marriage ended long ago.
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Post by Handy on Dec 30, 2019 12:06:34 GMT -5
Jim said: I will loosely cite your words where you said you won't discuss your SM with her because it causes distress. That scenario precludes all hope of a pleasant resolution. There is only a future of what you have now unless you change the dynamics. To get to a new dynamic you must destroy the old one or as baza states "Put the Marriage on the line"
MrG, this is where you are at and that won't change unless you both are willing to push out of your respective comfort zones and talk about the individual issues (in addition to any type of affair) and BOTH come to some sort of conclusions, be they to start a new marriage, keep going down the same paths or emotionally or physically separate.
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Post by moonshine on Jan 4, 2020 9:33:28 GMT -5
Hello everyone -
Moonshine here, short-time lurker. I have been separated from my H for a year and have filed for divorce. We were married for 9 years, though we were together for another 8 before that. That’s nearly half of my entire life!
I am grateful to everyone who is on here and shared their experiences. It made me feel far less alone in my situation, and helped me learn and think through what I was experiencing.
Here’s to a happier & healthier 2020 for everyone.
-Moonshine
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jan 7, 2020 22:49:44 GMT -5
Hello everyone - Moonshine here, short-time lurker. I have been separated from my H for a year and have filed for divorce. We were married for 9 years, though we were together for another 8 before that. That’s nearly half of my entire life! I am grateful to everyone who is on here and shared their experiences. It made me feel far less alone in my situation, and helped me learn and think through what I was experiencing. Here’s to a happier & healthier 2020 for everyone. -Moonshine Congratulations on your escape. The other side is great isn't it?!
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Post by worksforme2 on Jan 8, 2020 9:32:34 GMT -5
welcome moonshine,...perhaps it's too soon for you to speak about how it's working out for you after having left your SM. I hope it's going for the better. If we here at ILIASM were helpful for you in the decision making I'm glad that we were of some benefit to you. I'm sure everyone here wishes you well as you move forward in the next stage of your life.
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Post by moonshine on Jan 11, 2020 16:49:01 GMT -5
Thank you for the welcome! It feels a bit lonely at times I have to admit as it’s not even been a full year, and I am still getting used to it. But more than that, I simply feel relief. We met in college, dated for 7 years long distance, and were married for 9 years after that. I am re-learning how to be by myself again. Feeling lonely because of my marriage was the worst of all worlds, I had extreme anxiety and went through several bouts of depression. I don’t feel that anymore and that alone makes it easier to breathe everyday. I used to think there was something wrong with me, my ex used to tell me I was abnormal/crazy for wanting too much sex (i.e. anything more than once every year or two years). And there was always reason for him to refuse me -dishes still in the sink (yes!), grad school, work, his parents living with us, my brother living with us, living in separate cities, his health which then became the permanent shield that I was not allowed to ever question. My view of my own appearance and self was so distorted and I am still picking up the pieces of that. I spent years trying to understand what I could do differently, and finally came to the conclusion nothing I could do would change it. It was not apparent to me when we dated as he is the only guy I had ever dated and we lived in separate states for almost the entire time. Hindsight is 20/20, maybe I would have noticed the red flags sooner. Oh well, nowhere to go from here but up
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 16, 2020 19:48:20 GMT -5
Well, it's been a while since I came to ILIASM.org, so my intro is a bit overdue. Perhaps it will give a bit of POV to my comments up and down the forums.
In December 2015, sex seemed conspicuously infrequent when I decided to gather empirical evidence so my complaints could not be taken as a matter of me whining subjectively.
I starting recording our sessions on a calendar, marking each day as to which of us climaxed, both, or neither.
2016 and 2017 graced us with four sessions each.
2018 saw a substantial uptick with five.
2019 set the sheets ablaze at nine! (more on that later)
In February 2017, I explained that I'd been unhappy with the dearth of sexual activity and that it wouldn't continue. I was not going to remain celibate. She told me it was a problem we would have to work on together.
Well.....
She was scared by side effects of hormonal creams offered by her doctor and she refused a lubricant syringe I found to help with her dryness (she's post menopausal). She didn't go to the doctor for any other suggestions.
So....
In 2018, I hit Tinder, Coffee and Bagel, Bumble, and OKcupid and sought out polyamourous married women to date, explaining that I'd not be hiding our activities from my wife and she shouldn't from her husband.
OKcupid was my runaway favorite in short order because you could specifically require your picks to be married. You could also specify that your picks not just accept married men, but prefer them. It was a useful thing because I had no interest in leaving my wife so adding the roadblock of a husband to a woman thinking of "stealing" me away had great appeal.
On dating web sites, I read dismal reports about lack of results on dating sites and hints on improving one's chances actually coincided with my strategies anyway. (e.g. Actually READ their profile, make an insightful comment on something special she took the trouble to tell you about. You know. Sneaky stuff like that.)
In short order (less than a month?), having contacted maybe six women, I had my first date from OKC and uncomfortable questions had me admitting my plans to my grown daughter. (20 years of age at the time). She wasn't hugely surprised as my wife is clinically depressed which makes her grumpy and tired most of the time. It's pretty common for clinically depressed people to have rock-bottom libidos.
Anywho (sic), I went on the date and shortly thereafter the Mrs. found out and I spent no time denying it. I explained that it didn't make much sense to tell her about my dating if I wasn't in demand. If I couldn't get any, what was the point of fantasizing about an open marriage?
The first date had been something of a looker. I'd say she was a 7 at least.
There was no second date, though we had a very nice goodbye exchange. My guess is she had lots of gents to choose from.
Within the month, maybe after three more tries, I landed date two. Kathy was a spunky, luckless lady who got lots of interest but from a lot of flakes. Jealous girlfriends, unexplained ghosting. Just sad.
We weren't terribly well matched, but in as much as physical interaction was key for us both, being well matched might be a bad thing. We were married but devoted to our spouses.
Then, I effed up.
I did a pretty lousy job on my wife's birthday. In my quest for sex, I neglected her emotionally.
I suspended all the dating accounts and logged special occasions and holidays in the calendar so I'd warn myself of them well in advance and did a pretty good job making Christmas, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, our anniversary, and her next birthday pretty nice. When we'd have sex, I'd get her flowers that week. (Never actually saying why. She hasn't made the connection yet, or at least, she hasn't said so.)
My wife asked if I'd intended to start dating again and I told her yes; in January.
Can you guess what happens next?
Sure you can.
We made love six times in the next two months, surpassing an entire year's performance for the previous three years.
Then it went a month. To be fair we were out of town for almost a week, separately, and I nursed a cold for a week and a half, so that month was excusable.
But now...we're at 17 days, with a dry spell likely lasting three weeks-best case.
*shrug* I get it. I said I'd date in January. She rocked my world until February. And...? She thinks we're good til death do we part?
Honestly. Refusers. It's like they're a different species.
I called Kathy to catch up a few weeks back but she warned me she was helping her son move to college and she might be wiped. She was.
I plan to invite her to that Taco joint soon. I'm positing the different ways to give the "bad news" to the Mrs.
You're caught up.
Stay tuned.
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Post by jim44444 on Mar 16, 2020 22:01:35 GMT -5
mirrororchid, If you are planning to take her out you had better do it soon. So many jurisdictions are shutting down restaurants. So you told your wife you were going to date and she went into reset mode. Or did she? Could she be aroused by the scenario of you with another woman?
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Post by baza on Mar 16, 2020 22:33:40 GMT -5
Do you know how a divorce would shake out for you in your jurisdiction Brother mirrororchid ? When you introduce a 3rd party into an already struggling situation, it is inevitably a game changer - but you don't know (and cannot know) what direction the situation might veer off to. Of the assorted permutations in these "3rd party involved" situations, divorce is the most likely outcome (at the instigation of one of you - not necessarily you) so it is not a bad idea to get yourself a heads up from a lawyer.
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 17, 2020 19:54:30 GMT -5
mirrororchid , If you are planning to take her out you had better do it soon. So many jurisdictions are shutting down restaurants. So you told your wife you were going to date and she went into reset mode. Or did she? Could she be aroused by the scenario of you with another woman? It sure fit the description of "reset mode", but I don't know that she was aroused. I suspect she did it to undermine my justification. I don't need Kathy if she's offering intimate company, and she's right. But now that reset mode is over, so is the hiatus. I tend to think some wives are giving their husbands a second look and realize that if another woman thinks he's worthy, she may be too harsh. The new appreciation may arouse some wives in terms of deciding their husbands are worthwhile lovers. It's the affirmation by an outside party that's arousing, not the outside party herself. You were right about coronavirus cutting off the Taco joint option in my area, but Kathy claims she'd like to go hiking with me, which my wife just physically cannot. I have a challenging trail I want to try not far from Kathy. We'll do that instead, assuming the park service hasn't barred entrance. It doesn't look like they have.
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