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Post by Handy on Oct 7, 2019 23:51:03 GMT -5
Well maybe! A case I know about locally, the W went through medical school while the H worked. When the W got a job, the H wanted to stay home. She divorced him. He got $nn dollars a month from her until he finished his college degree. Because her earning potential was so much higher than his, she had to pay $2K a month child support and they each had 50%/equal time of physical custody. OK the money differences might not be a problem in your case so one less thing to worry about for now. On another note, some couples get a legal separation before a divorce. That way her bills are hers and your bills are your responsibility.
I know the emotional stuff is difficult and I don't have much advice about how to make it less painful other than start doing more things you like doing that does not include your W. That is what I am doing and some other posters have done.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 7, 2019 23:55:06 GMT -5
Greetings ScottDinTN from another basement dweller. 🏡 I hope your cellar is better waterproofed than mine. 🙄 So, you have your own apartment too? Sorry yours isn't so waterproof. I've been slowly improving my "apartment". When I moved down here, I didn't want to move away from the kids and not see them, so I moved the TV and Nintendo down here as well. Made it our entertainment room (Man Cave) but I have a bed here too. Less privacy but I see the kids more than it just being my bedroom. I've worked on insulating the walls, put in two doors (there were none for this room to start), ran some new electrical outlets, now I'm working on putting in a small bathroom. My plan is that eventually I will never have to go upstairs unless I want to. Now I have to for kitchen and a shower. I chose this room because it has its own exterior door so eventually it could be a completely separate apartment. It feels good to work on something of my own. I'm a fan of simple living so I've been doing a lot of downsizing. I've gone thru every single item I own and have thrown out a lot. Now all my belongings fit in one room (except for my tools in the garage). Will make things easier for the eventual move but I like a decluttered life.
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Post by Handy on Oct 8, 2019 15:15:53 GMT -5
ScottDinTN .....(except for my tools in the garage).
That also describe me.
WTG on the improvements to your "man Cave."
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olima
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Post by olima on Oct 25, 2019 15:40:42 GMT -5
Hi, all. I've been in my current relationship for almost 18 years, married for 2, sexless for 9. Even on our wedding night. I love my husband, and obviously when we married I accepted the risk of a celibate life, but I don't really want to be with anyone else. We have discussed our sexual relationship a lot, and it basically comes down to sexual hangups on both our parts (though a bit more on his). I'm hoping to find advice on how to progress to a more sexually satisfying relationship (if there's anything like that to be found here), and also to find anyone in a similar situation to commiserate with. I don't just want to give up, or to accept. That makes me feel so lonely and sad. But that is certainly a possibility in my future.
I'm glad I found this forum. It does help me feel less alone.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Oct 25, 2019 16:53:05 GMT -5
Hi, all. I've been in my current relationship for almost 18 years, married for 2, sexless for 9. Even on our wedding night. I love my husband, and obviously when we married I accepted the risk of a celibate life, but I don't really want to be with anyone else. We have discussed our sexual relationship a lot, and it basically comes down to sexual hangups on both our parts (though a bit more on his). I'm hoping to find advice on how to progress to a more sexually satisfying relationship (if there's anything like that to be found here), and also to find anyone in a similar situation to commiserate with. I don't just want to give up, or to accept. That makes me feel so lonely and sad. But that is certainly a possibility in my future. I'm glad I found this forum. It does help me feel less alone. I'm not in your situation but need more information on the hangups to offer advice . Welcome to the group!
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Post by baza on Oct 25, 2019 16:55:13 GMT -5
Hello Sister olima and welcome to the zoo. I'd suggest a lot of reading in here. The news isn't real good in regard to finding stories on "how to progress to a more sexually satisfying relationship". Such stories are as rare as rocking horse shit unfortunately.
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olima
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Post by olima on Oct 25, 2019 17:34:29 GMT -5
Hi, all. I've been in my current relationship for almost 18 years, married for 2, sexless for 9. Even on our wedding night. I love my husband, and obviously when we married I accepted the risk of a celibate life, but I don't really want to be with anyone else. We have discussed our sexual relationship a lot, and it basically comes down to sexual hangups on both our parts (though a bit more on his). I'm hoping to find advice on how to progress to a more sexually satisfying relationship (if there's anything like that to be found here), and also to find anyone in a similar situation to commiserate with. I don't just want to give up, or to accept. That makes me feel so lonely and sad. But that is certainly a possibility in my future. I'm glad I found this forum. It does help me feel less alone. I'm not in your situation but need more information on the hangups to offer advice . Welcome to the group! His hangups are a bit convoluted, and they took me a long time to figure out. The gist is this: His interests lie in BDSM, but he's always been afraid to act out any fantasies for fear of "hurting" anyone. But he also has extreme guilt about objectifying women. "Normal" sex just doesn't do anything for him. But even when I offer to try something kinky and/or adventurous, he simply can't do it. For some reason, he has always thought of sex as dirty, and so even though (or perhaps, because) he is constantly thinking about it (and constantly checking out other women, which frustrates me to NO end), it's almost as if he's punishing himself by remaining celibate. On top of that, he's also a bit of a germophobe, and even though he showers daily, he says his hygiene isn't good enough. Add to that his being a bit overweight doesn't make him feel like he could be anyone's "sex object." But he doesn't want me to tell him that I find him sexy, he wants to be degraded and told that he's pathetic, inadequate, etc. The thought of that makes me feel uncomfortable, because all I want to do is make him feel good, not bad. I try to talk him up, not down. It's such a catch-22. He's seeing a therapist, and even though he's made progress in some areas of his life, this isn't one of them, and doesn't seem to be a priority to him even though I've talked to him about how our lack of a sexual relationship makes me feel. He just accuses me of trying to make him feel like shit by talking about it. I've gone through so many emotional cycles through the years we've been together, and I just don't see any light at the end of the tunnel. As I said, I married him knowing this was a problem, and I don't know that it can ever be resolved. I've gotten to the point that I can compartmentalize it away, at least most of the time. We've been sleeping separately for years now, ostensibly because we have different sleep schedules (I work overnight). But even on nights off, I don't want to sleep in the bed with him because it was so devastating to lie there next to him, night after night, hoping that something --ANYTHING-- would happen, and nothing ever did.
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olima
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Post by olima on Oct 25, 2019 17:36:24 GMT -5
Hello Sister olima and welcome to the zoo. I'd suggest a lot of reading in here. The news isn't real good in regard to finding stories on "how to progress to a more sexually satisfying relationship". Such stories are as rare as rocking horse shit unfortunately. XD thanks. I've read a bit so far, and even if some of the circumstances are different from mine, the emotions and responses elicited are SO familiar. I think I'll be hanging out here for a while.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Oct 26, 2019 11:47:44 GMT -5
Not saying it can't be fixed but you have some high walls to scale. Sleeping at different times in different rooms presents problems of their own. As far as the germaphobe and wanting humiliation, bdsm type play .. I'm no expert on any of this. But if you really want to work it out I would suggest possibly a sex therapist. Maybe reading stories on Literotica that are up his alley either alone to help you role play or together as foreplay. Maybe the sex could start with showering together to address the germs. I understand it is hard to say degrading things I couldn't either but you could send him stories like that to get him excited. Hopefully you at least snuggle and have affection. You married him knowing so I guess you figured you can live with whatever you can work out. He has to be willing to compromise you can't give 100% of the effort.
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olima
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Post by olima on Oct 27, 2019 17:57:45 GMT -5
Welcome olima ! So the sex-life isn’t working. How about the touch-life? (Holding hands, making out, etc.) How about the talk-life? (Can you explain to him how you feel without getting stonewalling/defensiveness/denial/avoidance back from him?) Do you feel resentment in any of this? Just trying to get a gauge of how deep-rooted this is. We are fairly affectionate -- holding hands, hugging, kissing (but not making out), caressing arms, legs, back. But that's as far as it goes. We're affectionate room mates, really. He used to get very defensive when I'd try to talk about it, and still does sometimes. Other times he just acts annoyed, like he's tired of discussing it. Very occasionally he'll accept it in the spirit in which I've been trying to convey it, which is that I just want us to enjoy each other. The only time he'll approach it with any true enthusiasm is if he's been drinking. Especially liquor. But trying to have a conversation with an intoxicated person is very frustrating and circular, because he also gets his feelings hurt easier then, too.
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mrg
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Post by mrg on Dec 28, 2019 1:34:26 GMT -5
Hi. I am a 59 yr old man who has been married for 37 years to the same woman. We have not had sex for the last 3-1/2 years after my wife found out I had an affair with another woman. At that time, she said no matter what happened with our marriage she would never have sex with me again. I immediately shut down all contact with the other woman and I have successfully worked on restoring my behavior and marriage. However, even though we get along great together now, there is no intimacy in our marriage. Our hugs and kisses are very short. She says she loves me but she will not cuddle with me, or give me deep kisses, or sit next to me on the couch, etc. etc. It really really hurts. I feel so lonely and I do not feel wanted. I am very worried that one of us will die without ever having experienced intimacy with each other again. I just do not understand what I can or should do. I pray every night for forgiveness of my sins/past actions. Every trip we go on, or every holiday/celebration that comes up, I get my hopes up that just maybe, we might be intimate again. Unfortunately, it never happens. I love my wife dearly and I do not want to give up on our marriage but I really do not know how to handle this anymore.
I wrongly had the affair strictly for the sex because she was never interested in, or desired to have sex. My wife had a very strong emotional affair with another man that went unnoticed by me for a few years. When I discovered her fling, it devastated me and resulted in a similar period (but smaller timeframe of 16 months) with no sex. When we started having sex again, she did not want any foreplay and only wanted me to get my business done. I felt bitter about this whole situation and told myself that if opportunity ever arose, I would take it. Lo and behold, a few years later, opportunity reared its ugly head and I jumped at it. Now, I understand how wrong and stupid that was. I wish I could take it all back....
Anyhow, I find myself here on this board because I do not want to fall into the same pitfalls I did before. Not sure how it can help but I am giving it a try. I want my marriage to work and I want to be intimate with my wife again but I really am lost (and so sad) about it all. I never thought my life would be like this. I see so much sex/intimacy everywhere I look, yet I have none of it in my life. I know others on these boards are experiencing the same pain and frustrations. I feel for all of you too. It just isn’t fair for any of us.
Thanks for letting me talk about this. I really do hope it helps.
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Post by saarinista on Dec 28, 2019 4:21:03 GMT -5
Welcome, mrg. So sorry for the pain you are in. You sound like a decent person who was really lonely and reached out to another human who wanted to connect. I get it. I'm 59 also and my husband stopped wanting sex 10 or so years ago. I'm not sure we were ever that compatible, but we went through the motions.... until he stopped trying and I tried to put it out of my mind and convince myself it didn't matter. But it DOES matter. Without sex, you are roommates. Sounds like your wife is not very forgiving even though she had her own dalliance. What's up with that? You're not a bad person. She's not a bad person. People are not perfect. Is your marriage repairable? Eh, stick around, read and post when you want . Sounds like it's not been too hot for a long time, but maybe you can beat the odds. 37 years is a long marriage. If you can't fix it, here are your options: You can stay married and have no sex, you can divorce and find joy elsewhere, or you can stay married and have sex with someone outside your marriage. You will find no judgment here, nor any easy answers, but a lot of honesty and even hope. Welcome!
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Post by angeleyes65 on Dec 28, 2019 11:16:49 GMT -5
mrg. Welcome. As I first started reading this I thought you were in a sexless marriage because you had an affair. That happens. I have a friend in that situation She also can't or won't get passed it. She stays for the kids and religious reasons. But after digging in I discovered he had an affair because sex was few and far between and more of a duty on her part. In my opinion when sex gets to be that way before you cheat the marriage needs to be reviewed and couseling. It's either hormone related or the relationship became just about being parents, work and keeping up the house. Ot there is some underlying disconnect or resentment that hasn't been be addressed. That's a good time to reassess. Get doctor's appts. And start doing fun adult couple dates nights and reconnect. I think it gets to the point that people love each other but aren't in love. The sexual chemistry goes away. I think that part of the marriage/ relationship needs to be worked on always. That being said. After reading on seems like you had an affair because you were in a sexless marriage of sorts and because she had a emotional affair. That means there was something missing for her. Maybe that's a good place to start. Find out what she was getting out of the emotional affair and give her that. Send her flirty texts. Give her compliments. Make her feel sexy. Make sure you do things together you both enjoy. Go for a drive so you can talk and listen. Make a list of restaraunts you each want to try or things you want to see. Or activities you want to do and start knocking them off. But I think the key to getting back on the sex train is feeling sexy and wanted. Dress up and go dancing. Have a couple of drinks. Did you get tested for STD 's after the affair ? That could still be lurking in her mind. You may want to consider marriage counseling if you haven't. She may not fully be able to get past the hurt by or trust issues. But address her emotional affair too because that is just as bad. Maybe not in her eyes but most counselors will tell you it is. You made it this far hopefully you can get it all back. Life is too short to drag out in an unhappy relationship.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 28, 2019 13:57:52 GMT -5
mrg, I agree with angeleyes65 that this started well before your affair, based on your story. It sounds like she had checked out of your intimate relationship much earlier when she perused the emotional affair; yours was the trigger for her to stop maintaining the façade of a sexual relationship via duty sex. There’s no knowing if it’s reparable, but it does seem like you need to do some introspection (and counseling can help a lot with that) to identify why she drifted when she did. Not to point the finger at you (though you probably played a role, as most of us do), but you can only work on you. If you can get her to do the same via individual and joint counseling, then perhaps you two can identify why the train left the tracks in the first place, and work on that to rebuild a foundation. I think if you don’t get to that level, then efforts to rebuild will be shaky at best, at risk of collapsing because underlying issues have been ignored. I like the idea of getting screened for STDs sooner than later, to get that off the table as a concern for her. Easiest and cheapest is usually to get it done by your primary doctor during an annual physical. Otherwise, it’s about $200 to do out-of-pocket at an independent lab.
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Post by Handy on Dec 28, 2019 15:33:52 GMT -5
Mrg, you can't do much to make your W change her mind or attitude so it is best to work on your own stuff without expecting her to change or do anything for you.
Some of the advice already given is good to a point but it will also keep you stuck in a sexless marriage for a long time according to what people on this forum have posted. The statistical odds are 1 in 100 or 200 couples restore the sexual bond and eliminate the "feeling alone" part of the relationship.
Words are only ideas and what counts are actions.
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