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Post by bklynbeth on Apr 20, 2016 22:43:14 GMT -5
Hey there everyone,
I'm writing a big feature about sexless marriage for Prevention magazine. The aim of the article is to raise awareness of the issue and help couples through it. I'm looking to briefly chat with a few women over 50 who are in sexless marriages and are unhappy about it (i.e., they want sex more often than their husbands do). The interviews will of course be anonymous, with only the interviewees' age and city identified. If you fit that description, feel free to reply, and we can set up a time to talk.
Thanks so much!
--Elizabeth
EDIT: You can email me directly at elizkuster@gmail.com to set up a time to chat. FYI I'm a freelance writer and not Prevention staff. --Elizabeth Kuster
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Post by unmatched on Apr 20, 2016 23:07:38 GMT -5
Hi Elizabeth, I am afraid I am not a woman or over 50 so I am not much use to you but I do have a request. Please, please make sure that your article makes it clear that sexless marriages are only ever fixable if both partners are really interested in trying to fix it. I think for most of us here that would be considered the bottom line.
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Post by snowman12345 on Apr 21, 2016 6:50:23 GMT -5
Hi Elizabeth, I am afraid I am not a woman or over 50 so I am not much use to you but I do have a request. Please, please make sure that your article makes it clear that sexless marriages are only ever fixable if both partners are really interested in trying to fix it. I think for most of us here that would be considered the bottom line. What he said. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2016 6:55:11 GMT -5
I'm 48, so not quite old enough.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2016 9:43:22 GMT -5
I'm the right age (51) but I am in the process of leaving my SM. If I can still help, let me know. It's such a huge thing for a woman to know she's not the only woman in a SM - I felt like a total freak. You hear a lot about men who are wanting more sex, but I never heard anything about women in my position until I found this group.
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Post by Admin on Apr 21, 2016 10:27:23 GMT -5
Elizabeth, I'm inclined to take your post at face value, but I do have to consider the possibility that it is disingenuous and, if so, the possible impact to the privacy and security of our members. Any member is free to reply to you on this thread or via PM. However, I'd like to request that you edit your post (use the "Edit" button) to ADD a public email address or web address where interested individuals can contact you DIRECTLY. Ideally, this would be an address/site that pretty much shows that you are a bona-fide reporter and/or an actual member of the Prevention staff. For example, please consider this: - Post the same "call for input" on the Prevention web site or official Prevention blog or Facebook page.
- Edit your post here to include a link to that public posting.
Or: - Post a link a public site of your own so that others know your full name and may become familiar with your prior work, and have "official" (publicly posted) ways to get in touch with you. Example: your Huffington Post feed.
We walk a fine line here of wanting the issues of sexless marriage to get more discussion; we seek new members here for the purpose of mutual support; and yet some VERY private discussions happen here, and we want to keep it "as safe a place as possible" so that important role can continue for current and future members. We hope that you will do your best to assist us -- or at least no jeopardize our ability -- in continuing to perform this vital, online support community. Also, if you are considering making mention of or posting a link to this forum directly, please PM me ( link) so that we can have a brief chat about it. (I frankly, would welcome it, but will be consulting with a few other members and will collect and attempt to address any concerns that they have.) Thanks. Admin |
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Post by bklynbeth on Apr 21, 2016 12:26:12 GMT -5
Hi Elizabeth, I am afraid I am not a woman or over 50 so I am not much use to you but I do have a request. Please, please make sure that your article makes it clear that sexless marriages are only ever fixable if both partners are really interested in trying to fix it. I think for most of us here that would be considered the bottom line. What he said. Thanks for that feedback/input, snowman12345 and unmatched. And yes, I definitely make that clear in the article. One partner can't fix it alone -- the other partner has to be on board 100%. --E |
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 21, 2016 13:33:21 GMT -5
Thanks for that feedback/input, snowman12345 and unmatched. And yes, I definitely make that clear in the article. One partner can't fix it alone -- the other partner has to be on board 100%. I suppose the "over 50" requirement is to align with the magazine's demographic, but I'll chime in with another request... Anybody can write about hardship of a woman because her husband has ED, diabetes, a heart condition, or some other medical ailment. That's not newsworthy; that's life. The story that needs to get out is the one where a man, who is in fine health, refuses intimacy with his wife who desires him. Or perhaps the one where a man with a mild medical issue refuses all forms of intimacy, not just the one mode that's affected. The story to tell is one of an attractive, loving woman who still desires her husband after 20 or 30 years. How he is indifferent or cold to her needs. Refuses to acknowledge there's an issue or discuss it. Refuses therapy, or attends under duress with no desire for a fix. How maybe he "checks the box" by having sex infrequently to placate her, but even then in the least intimate way possible. And the effect it has emotionally. How truly "soul-crushing" it is to be rejected at such an intimate level by the person closest to you. How it can make a beautiful woman feel ugly and unlovable, even suicidal. How she clings to hope for decades, expecting that surely it'll get better - trying endlessly to "earn" the affection of someone who continues to reject her, and beating herself up for being a failure. Trapped, trying to figure out "why". And the toll this takes on mental and physical health. How the destruction of her self-image leads her to stay in a bad situation. How she's actually very desirable to other men, but she doesn't see it. Or how an affair eventually opened her eyes to how desirable (and capable) she really is, and how her marriage is fraught with far more inter-personal issues. How she comes to realize that her marriage is missing far more than "just the sex" - that intimacy is missing. And how lack of intimacy is allowing other cracks in the marriage to grow, adding friction and tension to the relationship. How the enlightenment, and not the affair, leads her to divorce. Nearly everyone here arrived thinking they were alone in their plight. Just the awareness that others are suffering the same is a huge personal validation that they're not defective as a human being. Nearly every story has been seen here before, and the similarities are unsettling. And the outcome is predictable, because the spouse refuses to work on the issue; stay or leave, the sexlessness does not improve. The message to get out is that people should be intolerant of poor intimacy. Being patient leads to a redefinition of "normal"; expectations drift, and discontent creeps in. And all those marginal character traits start to become bigger issues because intimacy isn't there to keep it glued together. That it *does not* get better; hope is not a strategy, and time is their enemy. I predict you'll have a hard time telling the whole story within the ethical / moral constraints of your publication, but this is the harsh reality of the epidemic. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2016 13:34:57 GMT -5
Bklnbeth,
Please also provide a link to your professional website or at least a resume. Thank you,
Z
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 21, 2016 13:46:22 GMT -5
Thanks for that feedback/input, snowman12345 and unmatched. And yes, I definitely make that clear in the article. One partner can't fix it alone -- the other partner has to be on board 100%. I suppose the "over 50" requirement is to align with the magazine's demographic, but I'll chime in with another request... . . . The message to get out is that people should be intolerant of poor intimacy. Being patient leads to a redefinition of "normal"; expectations drift, and discontent creeps in. And all those marginal character traits start to become bigger issues because intimacy isn't there to keep it glued together. That is *does not* get better; hope is not a strategy, and time is their enemy. I predict you'll have a hard time telling the whole story within the ethical / moral constraints of your publication, but this is the harsh reality of the epidemic. God that brought serious tears to my eyes! I could not have said this any better!! That's exactly it! That's what is important about everyone that goes through a SM both women and men. Rejection by the one person that is supposed to love you and then rejects your requests to try and fix things is soul crushing and yes gets one to think crazy things. Thank you for writing this DC! Hugs |
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 21, 2016 13:56:00 GMT -5
DC's post got me going and now my blood is boiling.
Thanks DC for saying it all so well.
In a nutshell a sexless marriage where there is no medical problems involved where for example a man would rather get off to porn because it's easier, less intimate and he's lazy: IS ABUSE!! It's mental and emotional abuse!
Where a woman or man tries in do many different ways to get their spouse to be intimate and then they finally throw them a bone once or twice a year then says I promise we won't wait so long next time (deceit, just tying the knot in the reset) is Cruel!
Again my main point: SM is Abuse!
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Post by smilin61 on Apr 21, 2016 15:10:14 GMT -5
Thanks for that feedback/input, snowman12345 and unmatched. And yes, I definitely make that clear in the article. One partner can't fix it alone -- the other partner has to be on board 100%. I suppose the "over 50" requirement is to align with the magazine's demographic, but I'll chime in with another request... . . . The message to get out is that people should be intolerant of poor intimacy. Being patient leads to a redefinition of "normal"; expectations drift, and discontent creeps in. And all those marginal character traits start to become bigger issues because intimacy isn't there to keep it glued together. That is *does not* get better; hope is not a strategy, and time is their enemy. I predict you'll have a hard time telling the whole story within the ethical / moral constraints of your publication, but this is the harsh reality of the epidemic. Thank you Drycreek. A million thank yous. |
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Post by darktippedrose on Apr 21, 2016 16:16:07 GMT -5
I would like to add that many women under 50 experience a sexless marriage. I've known younger women whos husbands or bfs have been rejecting them since they got married as a teenager. or as soon as they had a baby together.
I'm 32 and my husband started rejecting me after 2 weeks of marriage, but it didn't get really bad until I was 25.
And some women who are in their 50s, have been enduring this problem for a VERY long time. its rarely a sudden problem.
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Post by Dan on Apr 21, 2016 17:04:38 GMT -5
Ditto DryCreek....
Ditto DarkTippedRose...
The only thing I'd like to add is this: reverse the genders in DryCreek's write up, and it still holds. So many good, dedicated men try to "do the right thing" in the face of marital sexlessness (sticking with it, giving her another chance, etc), while being denied a normal, healthy sex life.
It may cut differently than it cuts women, but it is just as deep and -- likely -- as painful: the drain, the doubt, the demoralization, the depression.
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Post by Chatter Fox on Apr 21, 2016 19:24:28 GMT -5
Thanks for that feedback/input, snowman12345 and unmatched. And yes, I definitely make that clear in the article. One partner can't fix it alone -- the other partner has to be on board 100%. I suppose the "over 50" requirement is to align with the magazine's demographic, but I'll chime in with another request... Anybody can write about hardship of a woman because her husband has ED, diabetes, a heart condition, or some other medical ailment. That's not newsworthy; that's life. . . . The message to get out is that people should be intolerant of poor intimacy. Being patient leads to a redefinition of "normal"; expectations drift, and discontent creeps in. And all those marginal character traits start to become bigger issues because intimacy isn't there to keep it glued together. That is *does not* get better; hope is not a strategy, and time is their enemy. I predict you'll have a hard time telling the whole story within the ethical / moral constraints of your publication, but this is the harsh reality of the epidemic. Beautifully written. Nailed it. Bravo! |
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