Post by thebaffledking on Nov 30, 2016 7:01:00 GMT -5
Here's what I wish you would know and understand, but never will.
I just want you to know how you have crushed me. And it's so frustrating for me because you have no concept of what you've done. It's like you became immune to understanding how much this shit hurt......like maybe you so disliked or were so disgusted with me that you just didn't even care. How someone who loves you can just go on and keep saying these hurtful things -- some minor, some shockingly major -- and even after I'd expressed how hurt and confused I was, you just didn't ever care. But that's just it -- maybe you loved me once, but you don't love me now, and haven't for years.
I don't know what happened with you, honestly. I just can't recall me doing anything that would warrant such treatment. And if you DID, what the fuck are you still doing here? If you had such contempt for me, you should have LEFT........instead, you kept me hoping for years that things would turn around......and then the last 4 years or so, I have checked out.......it became obvious that nothing was going to change, you simply do not want an intimate relationship, it's not who you are.......you've never been.......but you put it all on me. You blamed me for everything. You ARE contemptuous of me in word and action. Maybe you don't agree, who knows. It doesn't matter. It's how you made me FEEL, for years.......you just torched me, I swear you hated me and maybe still do......except for one thing. I have given you a life that you enjoy and are content with ON YOUR OWN.......and you don't want to leave it. You're not a bold, confident person when it comes to the big things like moving, job-hunting, starting over. So you stay........and you have watched me rot. You asked me why I'm always angry and depressed and withdrawn.........and when I told you, you rejected what I was saying. You have always rejected what I've tried to express. You never wanted to listen, you just went straight into deflect-and-destroy mode. You asked for the truth, but then you blasted it out of mid-air before it ever had a chance to reach you.
You have felt you had the right, or need, to list out item after item of what you don't like about me. Who the fuck made you a judge? You think when I got married, I was looking for someone to point out all of their ideas of my flaws, tell me they don't want to sleep with me anymore, move to another bedroom, usurp my right to equality in parenthood, get berated in the car, and on and on? What did I do? Never mind -- it's nothing to do with me. It isn't. It's your upbringing, it's your wiring. How you feel about me actually has very little to do with me, and everything to do with you and who you are. And that's fine. You are who you are, I am who I am, and that's why I'm leaving you. I can't stand this dead life any longer. A 30 year crawl to an unhappy, unfulfilled, lonely grave doesn't appeal to me.
I don't hate you. I don't even know you well enough any more to hate you, and we had some good years and some fun adventures. We raised great kids. But that's all in the past now. I'm not done living. I'm not done fucking, by a longshot. I'm not done wanting to wake up in the morning and feel something other than dread. I'm tired of going to bed alone, facing you across the dinner table with little but awkward silence and a few thoughts about the kids. I'm tired of you walking around the house sighing and clearly contemptuous of me. I don't WANT to eat dinner with you. I don't WANT to be in the same rooms as you. I don't WANT to travel with you or go out to a restaurant with you. I don't WANT to be around you at all anymore. It's awkward, it's stilted, the air is thick with resentment.
I'm lonely. I'm depressed. Every moment of my life for the last dozen years has been consumed by this. It has forever changed who I am, it has rewired my brain, it has likely damaged my health with things that may show up sooner than later. You have taken from me all joy in living. All of my interests and avocations lie heaped in a corner covered in dust.
And yet.......I'm not unkind to you. I can't be. It's not in my nature. You have no idea of the heart that I have because you don't know how to read it, you don't appreciate it, you are SO different from me, and let me tell you -- you are not HALF the human being I am. I didn't deserve this........and now I find myself fighting for my life just to get away from you because it's not in my nature to hurt anyone.......blessing with the right person, deadly curse with you.
I don't know. I just want out. I could go with never seeing you again, though I wish you well and won't make a fuss over the simple division of assets we share. I won't be an asshole. I expect you will not be kind to me with family or friends. I don't care about that. But I suspect you will say unkind things about me to OUR adult children, and if you do, I will let them know of the absolute nuke you dropped on me 8 years ago when, right after I told you nicely and lovingly, how I wished we could get our intimate life back, you told me I could sleep with a prostitute if I wore a condom. I will tell them that. I'm tired of being the bad guy. I'm tired of you going along scot-free through all of this. Did you have any idea that I was suicidal for two or three years, sharing the same home? If you LOVE someone, you'd feel that, you'd know.
You need to go now. I can't be around you. You are more toxic than a box jellyfish to me. You have destroyed my spirit for living. I can only hope that once you're gone, I can climb back out again and find some meaning. But for now, I just want you gone.
I just want you to know how you have crushed me. And it's so frustrating for me because you have no concept of what you've done. It's like you became immune to understanding how much this shit hurt......like maybe you so disliked or were so disgusted with me that you just didn't even care. How someone who loves you can just go on and keep saying these hurtful things -- some minor, some shockingly major -- and even after I'd expressed how hurt and confused I was, you just didn't ever care. But that's just it -- maybe you loved me once, but you don't love me now, and haven't for years.
I don't know what happened with you, honestly. I just can't recall me doing anything that would warrant such treatment. And if you DID, what the fuck are you still doing here? If you had such contempt for me, you should have LEFT........instead, you kept me hoping for years that things would turn around......and then the last 4 years or so, I have checked out.......it became obvious that nothing was going to change, you simply do not want an intimate relationship, it's not who you are.......you've never been.......but you put it all on me. You blamed me for everything. You ARE contemptuous of me in word and action. Maybe you don't agree, who knows. It doesn't matter. It's how you made me FEEL, for years.......you just torched me, I swear you hated me and maybe still do......except for one thing. I have given you a life that you enjoy and are content with ON YOUR OWN.......and you don't want to leave it. You're not a bold, confident person when it comes to the big things like moving, job-hunting, starting over. So you stay........and you have watched me rot. You asked me why I'm always angry and depressed and withdrawn.........and when I told you, you rejected what I was saying. You have always rejected what I've tried to express. You never wanted to listen, you just went straight into deflect-and-destroy mode. You asked for the truth, but then you blasted it out of mid-air before it ever had a chance to reach you.
You have felt you had the right, or need, to list out item after item of what you don't like about me. Who the fuck made you a judge? You think when I got married, I was looking for someone to point out all of their ideas of my flaws, tell me they don't want to sleep with me anymore, move to another bedroom, usurp my right to equality in parenthood, get berated in the car, and on and on? What did I do? Never mind -- it's nothing to do with me. It isn't. It's your upbringing, it's your wiring. How you feel about me actually has very little to do with me, and everything to do with you and who you are. And that's fine. You are who you are, I am who I am, and that's why I'm leaving you. I can't stand this dead life any longer. A 30 year crawl to an unhappy, unfulfilled, lonely grave doesn't appeal to me.
I don't hate you. I don't even know you well enough any more to hate you, and we had some good years and some fun adventures. We raised great kids. But that's all in the past now. I'm not done living. I'm not done fucking, by a longshot. I'm not done wanting to wake up in the morning and feel something other than dread. I'm tired of going to bed alone, facing you across the dinner table with little but awkward silence and a few thoughts about the kids. I'm tired of you walking around the house sighing and clearly contemptuous of me. I don't WANT to eat dinner with you. I don't WANT to be in the same rooms as you. I don't WANT to travel with you or go out to a restaurant with you. I don't WANT to be around you at all anymore. It's awkward, it's stilted, the air is thick with resentment.
I'm lonely. I'm depressed. Every moment of my life for the last dozen years has been consumed by this. It has forever changed who I am, it has rewired my brain, it has likely damaged my health with things that may show up sooner than later. You have taken from me all joy in living. All of my interests and avocations lie heaped in a corner covered in dust.
And yet.......I'm not unkind to you. I can't be. It's not in my nature. You have no idea of the heart that I have because you don't know how to read it, you don't appreciate it, you are SO different from me, and let me tell you -- you are not HALF the human being I am. I didn't deserve this........and now I find myself fighting for my life just to get away from you because it's not in my nature to hurt anyone.......blessing with the right person, deadly curse with you.
I don't know. I just want out. I could go with never seeing you again, though I wish you well and won't make a fuss over the simple division of assets we share. I won't be an asshole. I expect you will not be kind to me with family or friends. I don't care about that. But I suspect you will say unkind things about me to OUR adult children, and if you do, I will let them know of the absolute nuke you dropped on me 8 years ago when, right after I told you nicely and lovingly, how I wished we could get our intimate life back, you told me I could sleep with a prostitute if I wore a condom. I will tell them that. I'm tired of being the bad guy. I'm tired of you going along scot-free through all of this. Did you have any idea that I was suicidal for two or three years, sharing the same home? If you LOVE someone, you'd feel that, you'd know.
You need to go now. I can't be around you. You are more toxic than a box jellyfish to me. You have destroyed my spirit for living. I can only hope that once you're gone, I can climb back out again and find some meaning. But for now, I just want you gone.
