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Post by brian on Dec 21, 2016 20:08:56 GMT -5
There was once a time where I thought that an arrangement/understanding like beeman has (had?) with his wife for "regular" sex would be enough for me. I have recently come to the conclusion that, even if my wife would agree to it, even daily sex wouldn't solve the issue. I want sex, but I don't want sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. At that point, I might as well pay for it. At least in that case I would get to do the things that I want to do, even if it's just a charade for cash. I don't want that. I want to be with someone that sees sex as something that is fun, pleasurable, and something that she WANTS to do with me. As best as I can tell, that's 3 strikes for my wife, so she's "out", so to speak. So now I have to think about why am I really staying. I don't fear change. I spend a lot of my time mentoring my staff to embrace change and adapt to it. A number of job changes has taught me that making major changes isn't as fearful as it sometimes appears. So that leaves me with the kids, and how they say they don't want a divorce, and the undesirable task of splitting the joint assets. Of those two, only the kids pull at my heart-strings. I need to help work them through this before I move forward, but it's hard.
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Post by baza on Dec 21, 2016 21:48:11 GMT -5
You can of course, consult with your kids (or anyone else you want to) Brother brian.
But the choice needs to be based primarily on what is in YOUR longer term best interests, and as such is your choice alone to make.
Inevitably there are other - secondary - considerations to be managed (such as your relationship with your ex, your kids, your extended family and suchlike) but these are matters over which you have little or no control. And whereas these people may well have an "opinion", they do not get a "vote".
If you ARE going to pull the pin, it has to be because it is the right thing for YOU.
Your kids (bless 'em) are likely just like most people. Their preference about what happens will be pretty much based on what they perceive to be THEIR best interests.
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Post by itsjustus on Dec 22, 2016 13:57:23 GMT -5
There was once a time where I thought that an arrangement/understanding like beeman has (had?) with his wife for "regular" sex would be enough for me. I have recently come to the conclusion that, even if my wife would agree to it, even daily sex wouldn't solve the issue. I want sex, but I don't want sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. At that point, I might as well pay for it. At least in that case I would get to do the things that I want to do, even if it's just a charade for cash. I don't want that. I want to be with someone that sees sex as something that is fun, pleasurable, and something that she WANTS to do with me. As best as I can tell, that's 3 strikes for my wife, so she's "out", so to speak. So now I have to think about why am I really staying. I don't fear change. I spend a lot of my time mentoring my staff to embrace change and adapt to it. A number of job changes has taught me that making major changes isn't as fearful as it sometimes appears. So that leaves me with the kids, and how they say they don't want a divorce, and the undesirable task of splitting the joint assets. Of those two, only the kids pull at my heart-strings. I need to help work them through this before I move forward, but it's hard. Just a quick note on "Staying For The Kid's", which is worthy of it's own thread.... (I'm not trying to just pick on your comment alone, Brian, I just thought it was a good place to start...) I left my marriage and my grown children fully supported me doing that. They believe it is the best thing for my ex and myself. However, they have huge resentments left from their childhood in a dysfunctional marriage that came out full force after the divorce. I should go into more detail on a separate thread, but my relationship with two of my daughters has devolved to the point that they will no longer speak to me, and I am not allowed to visit my grandchildren, even after family counseling. Another daughter is upset that these two are over-reacting, has broken off contact with them, but is upset with me and won't return my calls because I was trying to help the 4th daughter (yes, 4 girls....sigh) get established in life. The only one who WILL speak to me is the one I was helping, and only because I was helping her, after her mother kicked her out. All of this behavior and their actions on how to deal with issues can be traced right back to the example's of how to deal with relationship issues that my ex and I gave them while they were growing up. Their actions, words, feelings, and even facial expressions and vocabulary....match their mothers angry tones. It takes me right back into the dysfunction I thought I'd left behind....... I shouldn't have stayed for the kids. I should have left much sooner, with them. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Dec 22, 2016 14:13:07 GMT -5
There was once a time where I thought that an arrangement/understanding like beeman has (had?) with his wife for "regular" sex would be enough for me. I have recently come to the conclusion that, even if my wife would agree to it, even daily sex wouldn't solve the issue. I want sex, but I don't want sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with me. At that point, I might as well pay for it. At least in that case I would get to do the things that I want to do, even if it's just a charade for cash. I don't want that. I want to be with someone that sees sex as something that is fun, pleasurable, and something that she WANTS to do with me. As best as I can tell, that's 3 strikes for my wife, so she's "out", so to speak. So now I have to think about why am I really staying. I don't fear change. I spend a lot of my time mentoring my staff to embrace change and adapt to it. A number of job changes has taught me that making major changes isn't as fearful as it sometimes appears. So that leaves me with the kids, and how they say they don't want a divorce, and the undesirable task of splitting the joint assets. Of those two, only the kids pull at my heart-strings. I need to help work them through this before I move forward, but it's hard. Just a quick note on "Staying For The Kid's", which is worthy of it's own thread.... (I'm not trying to just pick on your comment alone, Brian, I just thought it was a good place to start...) I left my marriage and my grown children fully supported me doing that. They believe it is the best thing for my ex and myself. However, they have huge resentments left from their childhood in a dysfunctional marriage that came out full force after the divorce. I should go into more detail on a separate thread, but my relationship with two of my daughters has devolved to the point that they will no longer speak to me, and I am not allowed to visit my grandchildren, even after family counseling. Another daughter is upset that these two are over-reacting, has broken off contact with them, but is upset with me and won't return my calls because I was trying to help the 4th daughter (yes, 4 girls....sigh) get established in life. The only one who WILL speak to me is the one I was helping, and only because I was helping her, after her mother kicked her out. All of this behavior and their actions on how to deal with issues can be traced right back to the example's of how to deal with relationship issues that my ex and I gave them while they were growing up. Their actions, words, feelings, and even facial expressions and vocabulary....match their mothers angry tones. It takes me right back into the dysfunction I thought I'd left behind....... I shouldn't have stayed for the kids. I should have left much sooner, with them. Thank you for this message! A better place for this would be under other relationship issues (parenting). I have tried to get things started there, especially dealing with teenagers. It doesn't get much attention. Minutes ago I documented my STBX pulling her DARVO approach on my 14 yr old daughter, concerning helping her sister empty the dishwasher. It carries through to the whole family, and has me greatly concerned about her up-bringing. |
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Post by itsjustus on Dec 22, 2016 15:37:46 GMT -5
Just a quick note on "Staying For The Kid's", which is worthy of it's own thread.... (I'm not trying to just pick on your comment alone, Brian, I just thought it was a good place to start...) I left my marriage and my grown children fully supported me doing that. They believe it is the best thing for my ex and myself. However, they have huge resentments left from their childhood in a dysfunctional marriage that came out full force after the divorce. I should go into more detail on a separate thread, but my relationship with two of my daughters has devolved to the point that they will no longer speak to me, and I am not allowed to visit my grandchildren, even after family counseling. Another daughter is upset that these two are over-reacting, has broken off contact with them, but is upset with me and won't return my calls because I was trying to help the 4th daughter (yes, 4 girls....sigh) get established in life. The only one who WILL speak to me is the one I was helping, and only because I was helping her, after her mother kicked her out. All of this behavior and their actions on how to deal with issues can be traced right back to the example's of how to deal with relationship issues that my ex and I gave them while they were growing up. Their actions, words, feelings, and even facial expressions and vocabulary....match their mothers angry tones. It takes me right back into the dysfunction I thought I'd left behind....... I shouldn't have stayed for the kids. I should have left much sooner, with them. Thank you for this message! A better place for this would be under other relationship issues (parenting). I have tried to get things started there, especially dealing with teenagers. It doesn't get much attention. Minutes ago I documented my STBX pulling her DARVO approach on my 14 yr old daughter, concerning helping her sister empty the dishwasher. It carries through to the whole family, and has me greatly concerned about her up-bringing. greatcoastalDealing with teenagers is certainly a challenge, no matter the gender! But no, I have to disagree with you on the placement of my post. While I could fill volumes on trying to raise 4 girls (lol) my point, and I feel the biggest failure on my life, is raising them in such a dysfunctional marriage and household and not divorcing much sooner, that I'm afraid it has damaged all of us with scars for a lifetime. Children are by instinct born to observe. Humans by instinct are born to emulate those around them. Just these two facts alone leads to my opinion that no matter how much you would "act happily married" in front of your children....they know. They can easily do a comparative against other adult family members and friends. They can literally feel the tension. Whether they are aware of any uncertainty of their parents remaining married, they are certainly affected by the tension and stress. And learning how relationships are (mis) handled by the very ones who are responsible for teaching them how to integrate into the world at large. Knowing what I know now, seeing the affects directly in my own family, I cringe every time I hear "Staying for the kids..." |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 22, 2016 17:56:44 GMT -5
Exactly. Those kids whose parents stay together "for them" are going to grow up with really warped ideas of what love and sex and marriage should be about.
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Post by Chatter Fox on Dec 22, 2016 18:41:31 GMT -5
It's interesting that this thread kind of got resurrected. I can't believe I wrote that original post only a month ago! Things are much better lately. Not better on the sexual side of things but better in regards to my attitude. I want to try now. Quite a lot, actually. I've been happy lately at home. Thanks for all the great advice, everyone.
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