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Post by unmatched on Apr 19, 2016 1:37:51 GMT -5
Could some of these solutions work in some cases? How about the say .1 per cent of cases where a turnaround and healthy marriage was achieved. The truth is any of these things can work and it is entirely possible to turn around a marriage that is seemingly a complete train wreck. IF, and only IF, both of you want to do it. And if both of you are willing to commit to a fair degree of awkwardness, difficulty, pain and frustration to get to where you want to go. And if both of your goals are within a reasonable hailing distance of each other. If, on the other hand, either one of you is not interested in dealing with their shit, is not interested in intimate physical bonding and sex, or is not interested in or willing to do whatever they can to support their partner and bring them happiness ... in those cases once your marriage has gone downhill the anecdotal evidence would suggest that it is pretty well fucked. Because if you think about it, how is it ever going to change? You cannot possibly, by yourself, do enough to change her mindset and make her suddenly want to be giving, supportive, affectionate and sexual. And if you do you will always be living with the fear that she will turn back again. And as soon as she isn't happy with something then she will. That is not a relationship, that is living with a spoilt two year old. So if you can get her onside, then go for it as hard as you can. If you can't get her onside, you have already lost. And don't go for it by yourself, thinking she will come on board at some point (see the previous paragraph). Best of luck. |
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 19, 2016 3:01:34 GMT -5
What Unmatched said.
Linchpin for a turnaround rests on both parties' desire to work for a fix. Frequently the refusing spouse denies a problem exists, or is unwilling to work on it.
Bear in mind that classically *they* have the amount of intimacy that works for them. Aside from getting you to accept that (which is unlikely), any "working on a fix" involves them having more sex than they desire. This requires them seeing beyond their selfish interests, which many people are unwilling to do.
Until you can overcome that hurdle, the "how" of repairing things is irrelevant. Which is why the reported turnarounds are infrequent.
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Post by legoman on Apr 26, 2016 23:25:39 GMT -5
Thanks for the advice. It really takes two to make a relationship work. This ILIASM shithole is just so draining. Constant debates in my head about leaving and staying when my spouse already asked for divorce and me begging not to. The extreme loneliness and rejection during what could be the prime of my life. Not knowing when I will have intimacy and affection in my life again. Just thinking of the consequences of divorce, losing time with my kid and not being there for my child everyday or leaving my child alone with a toxic individual that is my wife. Hoping that if I stay as long as I can that some day I can get her to love me again after being in this shitpit for a few years. Getting depressed when on this site because I get to dwell more on my current situation rather than keeping busy with something but at the same time getting relief and appreciating the incredible support from you all.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 27, 2016 1:21:14 GMT -5
legoman, at the risk of sounding callous and insensitive, I will simply quote what struck me from your words - your w asked for a divorce. Find legal representation (for yourself) and tell her to file the papers. In the meantime, you are in our thoughts. There is no "easy" decision, just the "best" choice, among terrible ones.
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